Cliff: [whispering] I did it. I did it. I went out. I got her a great birthday present.
Coach: You mean it's Carla's birthday already again? I tell you, the older you get, the time goes...

Diane: I challenge you to a waitressing contest. Whoever gets the most tips between now and closing time wins.
Carla: You're on, sucker. I'll even give you a ten buck head start.
Diane: That's an insult! And thank you. We'll need a judge to make sure this contest is conducted on the up and up.
Carla: It's Sam's bar, we'll let him be judge.
Sam: Oh, ladies, I'm honored, but don't you think it would be better to find someone who gives a rat's behind?
Coach: Well, I do, make me the judge.
Diane: Oh, we couldn't have a more impartial judge.
Coach: Well, thank you, Diane. Now, if either one of you suspects any wrongdoing, you come to me and I'll make an immediate and final decision.
Carla: Do we have any appeal?
Coach: Well, I think you're both cute as a button, but that's not going to affect my decision.

Diane: Norman, you're jumping to conclusions. Now stop being so morbid.
Norm: Ever since I heard this news, all I can think of is how I may be coming to the end of my life with nothing to show for it.
Diane: Well, you've got all of us, your friends. And we're going to be with you all the way through this.
Sam: You bet.
Coach: You mean we're going to have to have the surgery and everything, Diane? I'm not saying I won't do it!
Diane: I'll explain it later, Coach.
Coach: Everybody says, "l'll explain it later."

Coach: You know, Normie, I was just thinking. When you and Vera do have the baby, you're going to have to give it a name, right?
Norm: Yeah, we're toying with the idea of naming it, yeah.
Coach: Well, when it comes time to name the baby, you should consider Barry.
Cliff: Why, what's so special about Barry?
Coach: He's a whizz with names, Cliff. He gave me my nickname.
Cliff: Coach?
Coach: What?
Cliff: Uh, never mind.

Coach: As I was saying, Norm, Barry gave me my nickname, Coach.
Larry: Hey, that was inventive. You were a coach, so he called you Coach.
Coach: You know, you're probably right, Larry. Because I always thought he gave me the name because I never flew first class.
Norm: We're not going to need Barry's help, Coach. We've got a list of names to fight over. We're gonna wait until the baby's born and fight over boy names or girl names.
Cliff: Well, uh, Norm, you don't have to wait till the baby's born if you use, you know, sonar.
Coach: Oh, yeah, Sonar's a beautiful name.

Cliff: Holy coyote! What's that stink? Smells like they're burning the chef's special up there at Melville's.
Carla: Smells like they're burning the chef.
Cliff: No. No, wait a minute, I know what that smell is. [everyone groans as they see Coach with a cigar in his mouth]
Coach: Anybody mind if I smoke?
Carla: Not if you put the lit end in your mouth.
Coach: I learned how to smoke them this way, Carla, and I'll stick with it, thank you.
Sam: Whoo. Boy, is somebody boiling tar in here?
Coach: No, Sam. I'm smoking my cigar.
Sam: Would someone please boil some tar in here?

Norm: What's that stench?
Coach: It's my cigar, Normie. Let me know if it bothers you.
Norm: It bothers me.
Coach: Join the club.
Diane: New cologne, Sam? It's a step up.
Sam: Do you have any idea how much that cigar stinks, Coach?
Coach: Are you kidding? It's right below my nose.

Carla: Hey, Coach. Want to play Red Sox trivia?
Coach: Yeah, sure. Fire away.
Carla: Oh, good. I got some real tough ones for you this time. Ready? Number one. What over .300 hitter was called-
Coach: Jimmy Foxx.
Carla: Right. That was just an easy warm-up. Now we're going to start, okay?
Coach: Shoot.
Carla: What Red Sox shortstop-
Coach: Don Buddin.
Carla: I'm thinking of an outfielder-
Coach: Conigliaro.
Carla: Boy, you are good. Try me now.
Coach: Uh... Who was the only man to pinch hit-
Carla: Lu Clinton.
Coach: You sure you want to go on?
Carla: Eh, I don't know. It's just not as much fun as it used to be. Think we've been playing together too long?
Coach: Well, was the next answer to your next question going to be Frank Malzone?
Carla: Yeah.
Coach: Yeah.

Sam: Well, you know, maybe I'm just lucky, but nothing like that ever really happened to me.
Coach: No. Wait a minute, Sam. What about when I told you that you weren't even invited to the Red Sox alumni dinner this year?
Sam: I wasn't invited to the alumni dinner?
Coach: No, no, no. What am I talking about? They're not even having a dinner. Uh, but while I'm thinking about it, can I have Saturday night off?
Sam: What for?
Coach: Uh... Death in the family.
Sam: Sure.

Coach: [on the phone] Well, it's a stupid oversight. If Sam Malone isn't invited, I'm not coming. I'm only kidding. I'll be there. Eight o'clock. [hangs up] [to Sam] Wrong number.