Norm: [enters] Good afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Coach: What'll you have, Normie?
Norm: A 1929 Lafitte Rothschild, Coach. Or a beer, whatever everyone's having.

Cliff: Hey, Norm, we haven't heard much lately about your quest to sire an heir for the old throne. So how goeth the baby-making?
Norm: Not good. Vera thinks it's my fault she's not pregnant. Says I'm not trying hard enough.
Cliff: Well, I hope before you answered intemperately, you took into account her frustration in the maternal instinct department.
Norm: No, I said, "Drop dead in a ditch."
Cliff: Perfect.
Norm: I used to think that sleeping was the greatest pleasure you could have in bed. Now I'm sure of it.
Larry: Hey, Norm, what's the matter? Why don't you like having sex with your wife?
Norm: We're not exactly what each other wants in a sexual partner, you know. For example, she wishes I looked a little more like Charles Bronson. And I wish she looked a little less like Charles Bronson.

Diane: You can't give her some standard prearranged speech you have for dumping women.
Sam: I do not have a standard prearranged speech for dumping women. Come on, every situation is different. For example, the speech I dumped you with would be totally inappropriate.
Diane: I don't think you dumped me.
Sam: Well, you see? That was the beauty of it. Come on, give me credit, would you, for knowing that I couldn't possibly have one speech for every situation.
Cliff: Yeah, he's got six.
Norm: Sammy, I think this one calls for number three: "It's times like these, I'm ashamed to be a man."

Sam: Come on, I wanna know what lousy things these people know about me.
Diane: I told them about Christmas.
Sam: That again? What is wrong with giving steak knives? I give them to my mother and she loved them. I give them to you and I never hear the end of it.
Diane: Sam, for heaven's sakes, I was your lover. You could have given me something more personal.
Sam: What did you give me for Christmas? A scarf. What's so personable about that?
Diane: I knit it myself. And I had to take classes to learn how. I sent away for the cashmere months in advance just to get that particular grade. I consulted a colorist to determine the best colors for you and I hand-dyed the fabric myself!
Sam: Yeah, well, I would have made the steak knives except I hocked my forge to buy the bar.

Diane: I told them about the time I was laid up with the flu and you didn't visit me once.
Sam: That- That- That-
Diane: And you sent me second-hand flowers for Valentine's Day.
Sam: Well, I was nowhere near-
Diane: You wanna hear this or not? I told them about the time I cooked you a seven-course Sichuan dinner for your birthday and you had a burger on the way over.
Sam: I remember that, and there was an explanation. I just can't remember what it was.
Diane: And the time you lied about a relative dying so you could go skiing and debauching with your buddies.
Sam: You still don't see the humor in that?
Diane: I wanted to spend the day with you after our first night together and you went to a football game.
Sam: Oh, it wasn't a football game. I mean, the winners went to the play-offs.

Sam: I'm sorry. I did the best I could when I was with you. I mean, you're right, I have blind spots and I'm not a very good boyfriend, but I never tried harder with any woman in my life. I mean, we had some bad times, but I'll tell you, the good times with you were some of the best of my life.
Diane: That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Sam: Diane, I-
Diane: No, Sam, stop. I want to get out of here before you say something stupid that ruins it. No, no, now stop. Don't ruin it.
Sam: I'm not gonna ruin it.
Diane: Ssh. Ssh. Ssh.
Sam: [to himself] Oh, yeah, that woulda ruined it. Oh, would it ever!

Diane: Sam. Well, what happened? That was an awfully long dinner.
Sam: Oh, this is pitiful, you wearing your heart on your sleeve like that.
Diane: How did you and Amanda get along?
Sam: Well, she's OK, I guess. Not triple A, but the food was good and she's got pretty good table manners.
Diane: High praise from a man who thinks mashed potatoes are finger food.

Sam: Oh, I can't believe you're so blatantly jealous. You still can't stand the sight of me with another woman, huh?
Diane: My heart goes out to any living creature in your company.
Sam: You know, one of these days you're gonna wise up and realize that if you want a chance of getting back together with me, you're gonna have to talk a little nicer.
Diane: Sam? You are an unmitigated egomaniac.
Sam: Too little, too late. Good night.

Coach: You know, Normie, I was just thinking. When you and Vera do have the baby, you're going to have to give it a name, right?
Norm: Yeah, we're toying with the idea of naming it, yeah.
Coach: Well, when it comes time to name the baby, you should consider Barry.
Cliff: Why, what's so special about Barry?
Coach: He's a whizz with names, Cliff. He gave me my nickname.
Cliff: Coach?
Coach: What?
Cliff: Uh, never mind.

Coach: As I was saying, Norm, Barry gave me my nickname, Coach.
Larry: Hey, that was inventive. You were a coach, so he called you Coach.
Coach: You know, you're probably right, Larry. Because I always thought he gave me the name because I never flew first class.
Norm: We're not going to need Barry's help, Coach. We've got a list of names to fight over. We're gonna wait until the baby's born and fight over boy names or girl names.
Cliff: Well, uh, Norm, you don't have to wait till the baby's born if you use, you know, sonar.
Coach: Oh, yeah, Sonar's a beautiful name.