Carla: I'm not kidding, Sammy. I've- I've gone over two years now without having a kid. Now that's a record for me. I'm not taking any chances. I was gonna stay home, turn off the lights, lie down but the cable man's coming over.
Sam: Sweetheart, I promise you, I won't let anybody put the moves on you, okay?
Carla: Oh, no, you don't understand, Sammy. It's not them, it's me. When the mercury hits 95, I can't be responsible for my actions.
Sam: Oh.
Cliff: Oh! Who is that hunk over there in the uniform with the cute buns? Oh, my God, it's Clavin! Oh, this is, this is worse than I thought. Has he always had that mustache? Iced coffee will cool me down.

Carla: Why'd you do it, Cliff? I begged you to get yourself fixed. I even offered to pay for it. Hell, I offered to do it for you!

Carla: Well, Doc, if you ask me, you're wasting your time sitting around here feeling sorry for yourself, when you should be out there trying to get her back.
Frasier: How do you suggest I do that?
Carla: Get off your butt and take charge. Be a caveman. A woman likes that.
Frasier: Caveman?
Carla: Trust me. Nick Tortelli... now there was a caveman. In fact, the next time you see one of those drawings of how man evolved from the ape, look real closely at that second guy.

Frasier: Divorce. Lilith wants a divorce. You know, l... I know we've been separated and I've been saying some pretty bitter things, but I guess deep down in my heart of hearts, I'd always hoped for some sort of a reconciliation. Now I just don't know how to feel.
Carla: Hey, you know, Fras, I went through this same thing when Nick left me. And the way I look at it, here's what you can do. You can get angry and bitter, learn to hate the world, snap at people.
Frasier: Or?
Carla: Or what?

Carla: I'll tell you what the point of life is: Having kids. Creating life. Sure, it's disappointing and painful, heartbreaking at times. Sure, they can drive you crazy and make you think you just can't get through another day. Where was I going with this?

Carla: I'm in love with someone else.
Dr. Ludlow: Who is it, Carla?
Carla: I don't know his name. I've never even met him yet. But I've had this really clear picture of him in my mind for what seems like forever. But he is going to walk into this bar one night. Well, not walk, more like swagger. You know, confident, but not cocky. He's OK-looking, but he's no pretty-boy. He's a swell dresser. He's got on this burgundy leather jacket. He's got cherry LifeSavers in one pocket and a pack of Camels in the other. He's trying to quit them both, but he can't. His nose is broken in all the right places. And he's got this scar that he won't talk about. He cracks his knuckles all the time, drives me up the wall. But what are you going to do? Doesn't talk much. Doesn't have to. He falls for me. Hard. I hurt him a few times. He gets over it. We get married. So, you see, it'd be a little messy if I was already married when he got here.
Dr. Ludlow: You know, Carla, I sort of have a dream girl myself.
Carla: Oh. Oh, tell me about her.
Dr. Ludlow: Well, she's a spunky, hearty, curly-haired little spitfire who doesn't know what's really good for her.
Carla: Well, I hope you find her someday.
Dr. Ludlow: Me too. By the way, I intend to take care of that child financially.
Carla: You bet your buns you will, Benny baby.

Carla: You know, speaking of, uh, weight and stuff, I got a riddle. Which is heavier, a pound of Cliff's brain or a pound of dead flies?
Woody: It's a trick question. A pound is a pound. They both weigh the same. Go ahead, ask me another of Mr. Clavin's brain questions.
Carla: Okay, let's see. Uh... [clears throat] if you dropped Cliff's brain and a bowling ball off the top of the Empire State Building...
Woody: Yeah? Yeah?

Carla: Sammy, you better be careful.
Frasier: See, even Carla agrees with me.
Carla: No, I'm just worried that he's going to blow it with both chicks. Mothers and daughters talk to each other. Well, not in my family, but usually.
Sam: Sweetheart, I've handled trickier situations than this before. You remember the time I dated those lovely Henshaw triplets all at the same time?
Carla: Sammy, first of all, that was back when you were drinking like a fish. And second of all, that was one chick.

Coach: Uh-oh, Carla's late again.
Sam: Oh, nuts.
Carla: [enters] OK, I'm late! My kid was throwing up all over the place. You don't buy that excuse, I'll quit, because I don't work for a man who has no compassion for my children. And it doesn't look like you're exactly swamped here. I'm usually very punctual. If you don't like it, that's fine, because this ain't such a great job to begin with. I'm gonna change. [exits]
Sam: [to Coach] Think I was too hard on her?

Carla: All right. Our prayers are answered. Normie, babe. Yastrzemski's up with a man on.
Norm: The fountain of youth. C'mon now.
Carla: Now we'll get something going! You and me, Yaz. You and me, Yaz. My hero. My man.
Norm: Ah, popped it up! Sox lose again.
Carla: You old fossil! That's it. That does it. May I have your attention, please, everyone? I have an announcement to make. As of right now, [all join in] Carla Tortelli is no longer a Red Sox fan. No, no, really, I mean it this time. Now stop that, OK? [by herself] Have I said that before?