Cliff: Zoos are kind of sad, you know? Huh? I mean, all those sedentary animals can't move, can't run free, they just sit there and drink and shovel food in their faces.
Norm: [stuffing his face] Sorry, man, that is no kind of life.

Carla: Sammy, you better be careful.
Frasier: See, even Carla agrees with me.
Carla: No, I'm just worried that he's going to blow it with both chicks. Mothers and daughters talk to each other. Well, not in my family, but usually.
Sam: Sweetheart, I've handled trickier situations than this before. You remember the time I dated those lovely Henshaw triplets all at the same time?
Carla: Sammy, first of all, that was back when you were drinking like a fish. And second of all, that was one chick.

Woody: All right, all right. All right! I'm going on tonight! I'm going on!
Frasier: What do you mean, in your theater group?
Woody: Yeah, yeah. The lead has a fever of 106. The rest of the cast tried to drag him out of bed, but he kept falling down. I get to go on!
Rebecca: Woody, are you ready to go? We're going to be late for the kiddie party.
Woody: Oh, Ms. Howe, I hate to let you down, but I can't be your clown. I'm playing Marc Antony. "Friends, Romans, countrymen."
Rebecca: What are you talking about?
Woody: Countrymen - people who live outside the city. You know, shepherds, farmers, ranchers.

Frasier: Sam? You're trying to date your girlfriend's daughter. Now, isn't there a little voice in the back of your mind trying to tell you something?
Sam: Little voice?
Frasier: Your conscience?
Sam: My conscience? You mean like Jiminy Cricket?
Frasier: Well, okay.
Sam: Well, yeah, as a matter of fact, I do hear this little voice. But it's not coming from the direction of my brain.

Rebecca: You have no idea how lucky we are. That was Woody on the phone. He called to check up on us. That handkerchief is a trick handkerchief. If you had pulled that out of your pocket, your pants would have fallen down around your ankles and then we would've seen those skimpy underpants.
Frasier: Oh, good Lord. That's not the half of it. You see, I took off that little French torture device that Lilith got me earlier today. I've been doing this al fresco.
Mrs. Ridgeway: Dr. Crane, would you come here for a moment? I'd like you to meet my mother.
Frasier: Why yes, I'd be delighted to. I've heard such wonderful things about her. [a woman sneezes] Gesundheit, madam. Here's my handkerchief.
Rebecca: [o.s.] No! [woman screams, loud thud]
Mrs. Ridgeway: [o.s.] Mother? Mother?

Woody: Sorry, Dr. Crane, I just don't understand this word association stuff.
Frasier: Right, allow me to demonstrate. Now, I'll say a word, and then you say the first word that you think of. Norm, we'll start with you. [Norm clears his throat] Over.
Norm: Under.
Frasier: Inside.
Cliff: Outside.
Frasier: Bottom.
Woody: Thermostat. [Norm and Cliff chucke]
Cliff: If you could make any sense out of that, uh, I got a sawbuck here with your name on it.
Frasier: Okay, you're on. It might not be a total non sequitur. Let me see, uh... Perhaps in the house Woody grew up in, the thermostat was at the bottom of the stairs.
Woody: Actually, it was in the kitchen.
Cliff: I'll, uh, take cash or check.
Frasier: No, no, or, uh, well, the, uh, the heater may have been in the, uh, cellar, and so it was at the bottom of the house.
Woody: Nope.
Frasier: Thermostat is difficult to spell. Woody was at the bottom of his class.
Rebecca: Woody, did you turn up the heat again?
Woody: Yes, Miss Howe.
Rebecca: I told you, it's too hot in here. Now, if you keep turning it up, I have to keep turning it down. That wouldn't be a problem if they hadn't put the damn thermostat in such an awkward place. [bends over] I can barely reach it.
Woody: Sorry, Miss Howe.

Frasier: Well, how was Paris?
Lilith: It was thrilling. The City of Light. Here.
Frasier: Ooh, what's this?
Lilith: A souvenir. I'm tired of your pinstripe boxers. They're dull, unimaginative and bourgeois.
Frasier: Well, they always speak very highly of you. [opens box] An eye patch.
Lilith: No, you ninny, it's French underwear.
Cliff: [chortling] It doesn't leave, uh, much to the imagination, there: [chuckling] does it, Fras? Not that I was imagining anything.
Lilith: They're all the rage in Paris. They sell them everywhere. I bought these at the Louvre.

Frasier: Well, Lilith, dear I do appreciate the gift, dearest, but, uh, l, I don't know if they're really me.
Lilith: Well, don't make up your mind before you even try them on.
Norm: Yeah, what do you say, Fras? Strap them on.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah.
Frasier: Well, I suppose I could slip into the bathroom for a moment.
Lilith: Oh, Frasier, do. [phone rings]
Frasier: Say, what am I going to do with the old pair?
Lilith: Save them; I'm making a memory quilt.

Woody: Sam, phone for you. It's Judy.
Sam: Judy... [chuckling] [on the phone] Hi! Well, of course I remember you. You're kidding me? Well, that's just around the corner. Listen, why don't you come on over? We can replay all the old memories. [laughs] All right. [hangs up] Judy who?
Woody: She didn't say, Sam.
Carla: How many Judys have you dated?
Norm: Well, let's see, there was, uh, Judy Johnson, right? The, uh, tall redhead, remember? She had freckles, great legs.
Cliff: There's Judy Petinski.
Norm: Oh, yeah.
Pete: Yeah, Judy Chang.
Sam: Wait a minute, wait a minute. How come you guys remember my love life better than I do?
Norm: Well, I think it meant more to us, Sammy.

Sam: Wow. You used to be so... And now she's so... So, uh hey, how are you?
Laurie: I'm fine, Mr. Malone.
Sam: "Mr. Malone"? Hey, come on, I'm the same guy that used to push you in the swings and give you piggy-back rides and play with you in the bathtub.
Judy: No, that was me.
Sam: Oh, right, right, right.