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‘Send in the Crane’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Send in the Crane

709. Send in the Crane

Aired January 5, 1989

One of Sam's old flames returns with her college-age daughter. Meanwhile, Frasier fills in for Woody after he agrees to be a clown.

Quote from Norm

Cliff: Zoos are kind of sad, you know? Huh? I mean, all those sedentary animals can't move, can't run free, they just sit there and drink and shovel food in their faces.
Norm: [stuffing his face] Sorry, man, that is no kind of life.

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Quote from Carla

Carla: Sammy, you better be careful.
Frasier: See, even Carla agrees with me.
Carla: No, I'm just worried that he's going to blow it with both chicks. Mothers and daughters talk to each other. Well, not in my family, but usually.
Sam: Sweetheart, I've handled trickier situations than this before. You remember the time I dated those lovely Henshaw triplets all at the same time?
Carla: Sammy, first of all, that was back when you were drinking like a fish. And second of all, that was one chick.

Quote from Woody

Woody: All right, all right. All right! I'm going on tonight! I'm going on!
Frasier: What do you mean, in your theater group?
Woody: Yeah, yeah. The lead has a fever of 106. The rest of the cast tried to drag him out of bed, but he kept falling down. I get to go on!
Rebecca: Woody, are you ready to go? We're going to be late for the kiddie party.
Woody: Oh, Ms. Howe, I hate to let you down, but I can't be your clown. I'm playing Marc Antony. "Friends, Romans, countrymen."
Rebecca: What are you talking about?
Woody: Countrymen - people who live outside the city. You know, shepherds, farmers, ranchers.

Quote from Sam

Frasier: Sam? You're trying to date your girlfriend's daughter. Now, isn't there a little voice in the back of your mind trying to tell you something?
Sam: Little voice?
Frasier: Your conscience?
Sam: My conscience? You mean like Jiminy Cricket?
Frasier: Well, okay.
Sam: Well, yeah, as a matter of fact, I do hear this little voice. But it's not coming from the direction of my brain.

Quote from Frasier

Rebecca: You have no idea how lucky we are. That was Woody on the phone. He called to check up on us. That handkerchief is a trick handkerchief. If you had pulled that out of your pocket, your pants would have fallen down around your ankles and then we would've seen those skimpy underpants.
Frasier: Oh, good Lord. That's not the half of it. You see, I took off that little French torture device that Lilith got me earlier today. I've been doing this al fresco.
Mrs. Ridgeway: Dr. Crane, would you come here for a moment? I'd like you to meet my mother.
Frasier: Why yes, I'd be delighted to. I've heard such wonderful things about her. [a woman sneezes] Gesundheit, madam. Here's my handkerchief.
Rebecca: [o.s.] No! [woman screams, loud thud]
Mrs. Ridgeway: [o.s.] Mother? Mother?

Quote from Woody

Woody: Sorry, Dr. Crane, I just don't understand this word association stuff.
Frasier: Right, allow me to demonstrate. Now, I'll say a word, and then you say the first word that you think of. Norm, we'll start with you. [Norm clears his throat] Over.
Norm: Under.
Frasier: Inside.
Cliff: Outside.
Frasier: Bottom.
Woody: Thermostat. [Norm and Cliff chucke]
Cliff: If you could make any sense out of that, uh, I got a sawbuck here with your name on it.
Frasier: Okay, you're on. It might not be a total non sequitur. Let me see, uh... Perhaps in the house Woody grew up in, the thermostat was at the bottom of the stairs.
Woody: Actually, it was in the kitchen.
Cliff: I'll, uh, take cash or check.
Frasier: No, no, or, uh, well, the, uh, the heater may have been in the, uh, cellar, and so it was at the bottom of the house.
Woody: Nope.
Frasier: Thermostat is difficult to spell. Woody was at the bottom of his class.
Rebecca: Woody, did you turn up the heat again?
Woody: Yes, Miss Howe.
Rebecca: I told you, it's too hot in here. Now, if you keep turning it up, I have to keep turning it down. That wouldn't be a problem if they hadn't put the damn thermostat in such an awkward place. [bends over] I can barely reach it.
Woody: Sorry, Miss Howe.

Quote from Lilith

Frasier: Well, how was Paris?
Lilith: It was thrilling. The City of Light. Here.
Frasier: Ooh, what's this?
Lilith: A souvenir. I'm tired of your pinstripe boxers. They're dull, unimaginative and bourgeois.
Frasier: Well, they always speak very highly of you. [opens box] An eye patch.
Lilith: No, you ninny, it's French underwear.
Cliff: [chortling] It doesn't leave, uh, much to the imagination, there: [chuckling] does it, Fras? Not that I was imagining anything.
Lilith: They're all the rage in Paris. They sell them everywhere. I bought these at the Louvre.

Quote from Lilith

Frasier: Well, Lilith, dear I do appreciate the gift, dearest, but, uh, l, I don't know if they're really me.
Lilith: Well, don't make up your mind before you even try them on.
Norm: Yeah, what do you say, Fras? Strap them on.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah.
Frasier: Well, I suppose I could slip into the bathroom for a moment.
Lilith: Oh, Frasier, do. [phone rings]
Frasier: Say, what am I going to do with the old pair?
Lilith: Save them; I'm making a memory quilt.

Quote from Norm

Woody: Sam, phone for you. It's Judy.
Sam: Judy... [chuckling] [on the phone] Hi! Well, of course I remember you. You're kidding me? Well, that's just around the corner. Listen, why don't you come on over? We can replay all the old memories. [laughs] All right. [hangs up] Judy who?
Woody: She didn't say, Sam.
Carla: How many Judys have you dated?
Norm: Well, let's see, there was, uh, Judy Johnson, right? The, uh, tall redhead, remember? She had freckles, great legs.
Cliff: There's Judy Petinski.
Norm: Oh, yeah.
Pete: Yeah, Judy Chang.
Sam: Wait a minute, wait a minute. How come you guys remember my love life better than I do?
Norm: Well, I think it meant more to us, Sammy.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Wow. You used to be so... And now she's so... So, uh hey, how are you?
Laurie: I'm fine, Mr. Malone.
Sam: "Mr. Malone"? Hey, come on, I'm the same guy that used to push you in the swings and give you piggy-back rides and play with you in the bathtub.
Judy: No, that was me.
Sam: Oh, right, right, right.

Quote from Woody

Carla: "Did you hear about the human cannonball? It's hard to find a man of his caliber."
Cliff: I don't, uh, hear any hilarity ensuing there, Wood-man.
Woody: Oh, you have to try them both at the same time, the props and the jokes. Try it again.
Cliff: Boy, this is going to be flop city.
Carla: "Did you hear about the human cannonball? It's hard to find a man of his caliber."
[Norm and Carla laugh as Woody honks a horn and squirts water at Cliff]
Woody: See? Can't miss.
Norm: Let me try this. This looks like fun. Uh, all right. "You hear about the sword swallower who only eats penknives 'cause he's on a diet?"
[Woody once again honks a horn and squirts water at Cliff]
Cliff: All right, all right, you think that's funny? Go ahead, Norm, do another one. [takes the squirty flower from Woody]
Norm: All right. Uh, "Did you hear about the, uh, the tightrope walker who went nuts? They had to, uh, throw a net under him."
[Woody honks the horn and Carla squirts Cliff with the bar hose]
Carla: You know, you're right. It is funnier when you do it.

Quote from Frasier

Norm: Frasier, you okay, bud?
Frasier: I'm a little concerned here, Norm. My fingers are tingling. My hand's numb, my feet are cold. Either I'm having a heart attack or this new French underwear Lilith gave me is too tight. [stands up] Ah. Ah. Cancel the paramedics.

Quote from Frasier

Rebecca: Okay, kids, you say hi to Binky!
KIds: Hi, Binky!
Rebecca: Binky, do your act.
Frasier: I don't have an act, I'm a psychiatrist.
Rebecca: Show them your funny feet.
Frasier: Well, I can't, I've got these big shoes on. Oh, I see what you mean. Say, kids, what do you think of these feet, huh? I got such big feet because my mother was a goose. Want to hear me honk? [horn honks]
Rebecca: The real clown was killed.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Hey, guys. Wait till you hear this. I'm sitting at a table in this restaurant with Judy and Laurie. The mother reaches over and grabs my knee and says, "Sam, I want you."
Norm: Get out.
Sam: Then I feel the daughter reaching over and grabbing my other knee. She says, "l want you, too, Sammy."
Norm: Well, yeah, yeah?
Sam: Then I woke up. You know what this dream means, don't you?
Norm: Mm-hmm, it means you even dream better than we do.
Sam: No, no, it means that Frasier's right. That my conscience is getting to me. You know, I must feel bad that I'm going out with this woman while I'm trying to score with her daughter at the same time.
Carla: Sammy, you're scaring me.
Sam: How do you think I feel? I mean, this hasn't ever happened to me before. I mean, you don't think that... that I'm getting scruples?

Quote from Lilith

Lilith: Frasier, where the hell have you been? You were supposed to pick me up at the airport.
Frasier: Well, um, gee, I didn't do a very good job of it, did l? Well, welcome home, dear. Where have you been?
Lilith: Paris. Perhaps you remember, we liberated it during the war.
Frasier: Yes, now that I recall, you did say something about it. Well, I've just been so damn busy. You do forgive me, don't you?
Lilith: Oh, of course. I could never stay mad at you.

Quote from Sam

Carla: Wasn't there, um, a Judy Marlowe?
Sam: [chuckling] Oh, that's the one I remember.
Norm: Sammy, hot stuff.
Sam: Oh, you betcha. God, did we have great times. I remember all the playgrounds, the circuses, the pony rides...
Lilith: Uh, excuse me, Sam. Exactly how old was this Judy?
Sam: No, no, she was a divorcee. She had this little girl. Must be about what, 15 years since I've seen the two of them.

Quote from Carla

Sam: Just in case, you know, if she comes in here and she's not very good-looking, will you do me a favor, pretend like you're my wife.
Carla: Okay.
Sam: All right.
Carla: Give me all the money in your wallet.
Sam: Why? What are you doing?
Carla: I'm practicing.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Lilith, I have only one thing to say to you. Vive la difference.

Quote from Sam

Rebecca: Woody, I asked you to bring up a case of scotch 15 minutes ago. Now, will you just do it, please?
Woody: Sorry, Miss Howe; right away.
Carla: Whoa. Get up on the wrong side of the web?
Rebecca: No, I am just sick and tired of the way I am treated by this company. They're trying to break my spirit, to bring me to my knees. They want to see how long its going to take before I say I quit.
Sam: Why, what do they want you to do now?
Rebecca: Throw a party.
Sam: Oh, my God, these people must be stopped.

Quote from Woody

Rebecca: I'm supposed to throw a kiddie party for the executives' brats. Well, I'll show them. I am going to throw the best damn party of the year. I am going to have the best food, the best games... Does anybody know where I can hire a professional clown?
Carla: Would you settle for a couple of amateurs with red noses?
Frasier: Say, you know who you should hire? Woody. He's an actor. At least a perennial understudy.
Rebecca: That's not a bad idea. I wonder if Woody's interested. Woody? I have to hire a clown for a children's party. Do you think you could handle the part?
Woody: "Handle the part"? I've always wanted to play a clown. You hear that, everybody? I get to be a clown.
I'm a clown, I'm a clown, I'm a clown!

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