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‘Where Nobody Knows Your Name’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Where Nobody Knows Your Name

904. Where Nobody Knows Your Name

Aired October 11, 1990

Rebecca is disappointed when Robin's French chargé d'affaires comes public as the woman he turned himself in for. Meanwhile, as Boston endures an Indian summer, Carla worries about being in heat.

Quote from Carla

Carla: I'm not kidding, Sammy. I've- I've gone over two years now without having a kid. Now that's a record for me. I'm not taking any chances. I was gonna stay home, turn off the lights, lie down but the cable man's coming over.
Sam: Sweetheart, I promise you, I won't let anybody put the moves on you, okay?
Carla: Oh, no, you don't understand, Sammy. It's not them, it's me. When the mercury hits 95, I can't be responsible for my actions.
Sam: Oh.
Cliff: Oh! Who is that hunk over there in the uniform with the cute buns? Oh, my God, it's Clavin! Oh, this is, this is worse than I thought. Has he always had that mustache? Iced coffee will cool me down.

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Quote from Norm

Cliff: Anybody seen my gum? Left it around here somewhere.
Norm: What'd you take your gum out for?
Cliff: To give my mouth a rest, you know.
Frasier: Dear Diary, today it finally happened.
Norm: Wood, can I have another... Oh! Cliff, I think I found your gum. This is a new jacket, too, man.
Frasier: Well, Norm, you know, might I suggest that you ice it and then try to scrape the bulk of it off with a razor blade, and maybe that way you can save it.
Cliff: Oh, no, that's okay, Frasier. I was about to get a new piece anyway.
Norm: Sounds like a lot of work, Frasier, I don't know.
Frasier: Well, alternatively, you could wait several years for the resins to break down, the gum to harden and fall off by itself.
Norm: [lifts his arm to drink his beer] I seem to have my full range of movement. I can wait.

Quote from Carla

Sam: Ha. What's with the getup?
Carla: It's Indian summer, Sam. I need these clothes for protection.
Sam: Protection from what?
Carla: The eyes of men.
Sam: What are you talking about?
Carla: Every time I've conceived a kid it's been during Indian Summer. That's when I'm at my most fertile, Sammy. I cannot let any man touch me, talk to me or see me, or I'll be shooting out kids like a Pez dispenser.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: I just hope the rag magazines don't find out that I am the mystery woman. Who am I kidding? Those bloodhounds will ferret me out the first chance they get. But at least I have my dignity. Well, I'm off to change the blue stuff in the toilet bowls.

Quote from Woody

Cliff: What's the matter, Wood?
Woody: I don't get The Far Side.
Cliff: Woody, come on. Hand it over here. Come on. Let's have a look. Okay, Wood, now you see here in the first panel, the cows are standing on their hind legs, right? The second panel, when the car goes by, they're acting like normal cows.
Norm: See, the idea here is, Wood, that, uh, you know, cows only act like cows when, when we're around. Other times they act like people. Now, does that- Does that help you clear it up a little bit for you?
Woody: I just meant I don't get The Far Side in my newspaper at home, but thanks for treating me like a one-year-old.

Quote from Woody

Frasier: Well, Rebecca, don't be upset. I mean, she's actually doing you a favor. You're off the hook. The press is going to tear her apart and leave your relationship with Robin unsullied.
Rebecca: I guess you're right. I mean, the only thing that really does matter is that, that I am Robin's true love. And it actually makes it more romantic because we're the only ones who know.
Norm: Yeah, except for us.
Woody: And I kind of told my mom in Hanover.
Rebecca: You know what I mean. It's sort of like a secret valentine between me and Robin.
Norm: And us.
Woody: And my mom.
Rebecca: Woody, who cares if your mother knows? I mean, who is she going to tell?
Woody: Are you serious? She has choir practice tonight. Once she gets a cup of coffee in her, those old biddies will bleed it out of her. For a moist crumb cake, she'll tell anybody why you never see Uncle Willie and Aunt May in the same room at the same time.
Norm: Why, uh, why would that be, Wood?
Woody: I don't see any crumb cake.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: My God. It's another scorcher out there. I am sick and tired of peeling patients off of my leather couch. I'll tell you, the ones in shorts scream like banshees when I get them up fast. Well, fortunately, I'm a trained psychiatrist and I've learned to tune out cries for help.

Quote from Sam

Sam: When I was pitching for the Sox. Yeah, sure, fame has its perks. I mean, you don't have to stand in line at restaurants. That's very nice. And cops let you slide on a few traffic tickets. That's that's very nice. Autographs, I mean, that's cool and all of that. But, basically, it's just a hassle.
Rebecca: Really?
Sam: Yeah, sure. Not being famous is ten times better.
Rebecca: Really?
Sam: Yeah. Yeah, you get treated just like everybody else. You can go to the supermarket in peace. Nobody crowds around you. As a matter of fact, they don't pay any attention to you at all. No, they certainly don't let you cut ahead of them in the ten-items-or-less line. No, no, no, no, no, no. You have to wait behind all the old ladies. Some of them have way beyond ten items. 'Cause believe me, you've got all the time in the world to count every little can, every little loaf of bread.
Rebecca: Sam.
Sam: By the time you get to the front of the line, they're only too happy to cut up your credit cards right in front of your face because you're nothing!
Rebecca: Sam. Sam, are you all right?
Sam: I miss it so much, Rebecca.
Rebecca: Oh, I know you do. But we're both better off without it, Sam.
Sam: Do you remember- Remember all the attention I got when that truck almost hit me?

Quote from Frasier

Norm: Oh, every time we turn on Robert Vaughn's Amazing Discoveries, we always get the hair-loss episode. I mean, it's like they, they never did any others.
Frasier: Well, listen, we don't have to watch an infomercial. We can choose from any of 60 wonderful cable stations here. Well, there's Lyle Waggoner talking about impotence. Oh, people trying to whiten their yellow teeth. Singing in the Rain. Oh, how to buy real estate with no money down.
Norm: Wait, wait, wait, you just passed by one of the all-time classics, Frasier. Put it back on the yellow teeth one.

Quote from Woody

Rebecca: Don't bother, Sam. I've seen the article. It's just a stupid, pitiable act of a desperate woman. Those letters are not real.
Frasier: They never are.
Rebecca: Robin did not type those letters. I have seen his typewriter. He doesn't even use that font...
Woody: [answers phone] Cheers. Oh, hi, Mom. It's for me. Um, yeah, yeah, I- I saw the article. Miss Howe says it's not even his font. What? No, Mom, font isn't a bad word. No, it's not... All right. Okay.
[After Woody hangs up the phone, Sam hands him a bar towel as he walks away]
Woody: Thanks a lot, Miss Howe.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: I mean I cannot just ask him if he loves Jeanne Marie because then he will think that I don't trust him.
Sam: You don't.
Rebecca: I know, but I should. But if I ask him, "Do you love Jeanne Marie?" and he says "Yes," I don't think that I could handle that. And if I ask him if he loved me and he said "Yes," then he would know that I did not trust him. And trusting him is the one thing that I really should do since he gave up his fortune for me if he really did give it up for me, which I can never know because I can't ask.
Sam: Let me see if I can put this in a nutshell... What?
Rebecca: Sam, would you ask him for me?
Sam: No. No, no. No, I don't want to do that. I've never been to prison.
Rebecca: Oh, well, it's not really a real prison. No it's like a minimum-security deal. It's like summer camp, only Robin has to spend seven to ten summers there.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Say, where's- Where's Carla?
Norm: She asked us to lock her in the office until the heat wave breaks.
Frasier: For goodness sakes. I mean this has gone on long enough. The human female doesn't have an estrous cycle. Someone is gonna have to tell her that the weather cannot affect human beings this way. [knocks] Carla! May I have a word with you, please?
[After Frasier opens the door, Carla pulls him into the office. A disheveled Frasier emerges a moment later, closes the door and locks it shut.]
Norm: How is she, Fras?
Frasier: Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Quote from Woody

Rebecca: Hey, you guys, listen to this. "Rumor has it that the reason jillionaire jailbird Robin Colcord gave up his fortune and freedom was a mystery femme. But so far our little caged Robin isn't singing."
Woody: Boy, that writer really paints a picture, doesn't he? You know, I can just picture Mister Colcord sitting on his little perch in a cage, sharpening his beak on a cuttlebone-
Rebecca: Woody. Woody.
Sam: Pecking away at a little bell made out of sesame seeds.
Woody: Yeah!

Quote from Carla

Norm: Rebecca, this is kind of a rip-off, isn't it? I mean, they don't even mention your name.
Rebecca: And don't think I'm not grateful.
Norm: What do you mean? You could have been famous.
Rebecca: Yeah, s-someday I would like to be famous, but not because I'm involved with a rich man. I mean, I would like to be known for some real achievement.
Carla: Oh, yeah. How's that cure for leprosy coming along?

Quote from Frasier

Rebecca: You know what I mean. You know how the girlfriends of rich millionaires are treated by the press; like cheap sluts.
Frasier: You know, I think it stems from the envy that the public feels towards people who achieve a certain level of notoriety. Well, also the fact that most of those women have posed nude in popular men's magazines. But, you know, frankly, I wouldn't waste my money on publications like that. I mean, those letters are not real.

Quote from Norm

Paul: Wait, wait, go back. There was a picture of Robin Colcord.
News Anchor: [on TV] Sources have confirmed the identity of Colcord's mystery woman.
Rebecca: Oh, God! They found me out!
News Anchor: Colcord's secret lover revealed herself in a press conference today to be Jeanne Marie Beaulier, Charges d'Affaires for the French Consulate. Miss Beaulier...
Rebecca: Excuse me?
Norm: I thought Robin dumped that French babe for you weeks ago.
Rebecca: Well, he did! The nerve of that cheap slut pretending like Robin turned himself in for her!
Norm: Don't worry, Rebecca. Your friends know who the real cheap slut is.
Rebecca: Thank you, Norm.

Quote from Woody

Woody: [answers the phone] Cheers. Oh, hi, Mom! It's for me. Oh, yeah, yeah, I saw the news, but don't believe everything you see on TV. That French lady, Jeanne Marie, was telling a big whopper. It was really Miss Howe who was having well, you know, with Mister Colcord. Oh, all right. I'm sorry. I will.
[Woody hangs up the phone, grabs a bar towel and walks away]
Norm: Where're you going, Wood?
Woody: I have to go wash my mouth out with soap.
Norm: I'm sorry, Woody.
Woody: Yeah, well, maybe next time you'll think about the consequences of your actions.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Hey. This is getting very serious.
Rebecca: Thank you for your concern, Sam.
Sam: Do you have any idea how much that TV costs?
Rebecca: What?
Sam: The corporation owns this bar for three years, you don't break anything. I have it for three weeks, you yank my television off the wall.

Quote from Sam

Rebecca: I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. It's just that I didn't expect this thing with Jeanne Marie to go this far. Before, nobody even took it seriously. And all of a sudden she's getting national attention. Tonight she's going to be on Arsenio.
Sam: Yeah, I know. And thanks to you, I can't watch it.
Rebecca: Why hasn't Robin spoken out? I mean, why hasn't he denied this? What if what if he really does love Jeanne Marie? What would I do?
Sam: Hey. I know.
Rebecca: What?
Sam: I'll get my landlady to tape Arsenio.
Rebecca: No, Sam.
Sam: No, no, no, you're right, you're right, you're right. Then I'd be obligated.

Quote from Carla

Sam: Carla, uh, watch the bar for me, will you? I've got to go down to prison for a minute.
Carla: Prison? Isn't that where they keep all the bad, lonely men?
Sam: Now, come on, Carla. Don't.
Carla: Oh, Sammy, take me with you, please?
Sam: No.
Carla: Smuggle me in in your pants. [grabs on to Sam's leg]
Sam: No!
Carla: Please? I need a tattooed man! Please, Sammy.
Sam: Carla, no!

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