Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Whodunit?’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Whodunit?

313. Whodunit?

Aired January 3, 1985

Carla starts a secret relationship with Frasier's mentor, Dr. Bennett Ludlow (James Karen).

Quote from Coach

Coach: Boy, am I exhausted.
Norm: Not much sleep, huh?
Coach: No, Normie, I slept like a baby. It's just that I dreamed I had insomnia all night.
Cliff: You know, someday that man's head is gonna open up and a prize will pop out.

Rate

Quote from Diane

Sam: Hey, Diane. Psst. You know, I've been thinking...
Diane: Have you? The odds makers take a beating again.

Quote from Coach

Coach: OK, folks. Just to help you pass time away while you're waiting for your table upstairs, I'm going to show you a little trick that never fails to leave people with their mouths wide open. I'm going to guess your age by asking you three simple questions. OK?
Man: Sounds like fun.
Coach: Good. OK, first question. What year were you born?
Man: You gotta be kidding.
Coach: Please, bare with me, will you?
Man: 1949.
Coach: 1949. OK, second question. Uh, How much do you weigh?
Man: About 185 pounds.
Coach: 185 pounds. OK, third and last question. What do you do for a living?
Man: I'm a carpet salesman.
Coach: Carpet salesman. OK, I should have an answer for you right after dinner.
Man: After dinner?
Coach: Yeah, I didn't realize I had to carry a number.

Quote from Carla

Diane: Well, I think it's only fair that you tell him you have five children.
Carla: Six.
Diane: OK, six. But don't wait... I thought it was five.
Carla: It was. I just came from the doctor.
Diane: Oh! Oh! Carla, when you were in high school and you took Hygiene... did you cut the how-not-to lecture?
Carla: I had to. I was pregnant. I'm the most fertile woman living. For me, there's only one absolutely foolproof method of birth control, and it makes me sick to my stomach.
Diane: What's that?
Carla: Saying no.

Quote from Carla

Carla: I'm in love with someone else.
Dr. Ludlow: Who is it, Carla?
Carla: I don't know his name. I've never even met him yet. But I've had this really clear picture of him in my mind for what seems like forever. But he is going to walk into this bar one night. Well, not walk, more like swagger. You know, confident, but not cocky. He's OK-looking, but he's no pretty-boy. He's a swell dresser. He's got on this burgundy leather jacket. He's got cherry LifeSavers in one pocket and a pack of Camels in the other. He's trying to quit them both, but he can't. His nose is broken in all the right places. And he's got this scar that he won't talk about. He cracks his knuckles all the time, drives me up the wall. But what are you going to do? Doesn't talk much. Doesn't have to. He falls for me. Hard. I hurt him a few times. He gets over it. We get married. So, you see, it'd be a little messy if I was already married when he got here.
Dr. Ludlow: You know, Carla, I sort of have a dream girl myself.
Carla: Oh. Oh, tell me about her.
Dr. Ludlow: Well, she's a spunky, hearty, curly-haired little spitfire who doesn't know what's really good for her.
Carla: Well, I hope you find her someday.
Dr. Ludlow: Me too. By the way, I intend to take care of that child financially.
Carla: You bet your buns you will, Benny baby.

Quote from Cliff

Sam: What seems to be the problem here, folks?
Frasier: Well, Sam, my colleague has dropped a crumb during dinner and in the intervening hours it has become encrusted on his tie.
Cliff: So what? You could take Norm's tie here, put it in a kettle and make soup. Incidentally, it's a little known fact, the tie was invented in ancient times to be used as a bib. You know, to wipe your chin.
Coach: You mean they're thinking of changing that?

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: I guess we've been trying too hard. We've been too eager. Sam, can I get a beer or something, please? Especially that first night when we made such buffoons of ourselves.
Diane: We, Frasier?
Frasier: All right, you.
Diane: Me?
Frasier: Yes! The way you fawned over him was nothing less than criminal. If you had taken off your clothes and writhed on the floor in front of him, it would have been a refreshing note of subtlety. No wonder the man's been shunning us.
Diane: Frasier, you were so obsequious, if he had asked you to cluck like a chicken and lay an egg, you would have squatted and asked, "What color?"
Frasier: Well, he didn't ask me to, so it's a moot point at best, Diane.

Quote from Coach

Cliff: No, it's true, Coach. See, many scientists believe that the little finger, that's the pinkie in the legerdemain, will one day, like the tail, disappear, you know, cos it serves no useful purpose.
Coach: Well, you know, people couldn't go swimming without their little finger.
Norm: Why do you need a little finger to swim, Coach?
Coach: When you come out of the water, you can't do this. [cleans out ear]
Cliff: I stand corrected.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Well, I think this occasion calls for somebody to buy a round of drinks!
Dr. Ludlow: Oh, well, I'll do that!
Norm: Hey, you beat me to it. I'll get the next one.

Quote from Norm

Norm: All this talk about romance gives me a warm spot right here.
Cliff: Yeah.
Norm: Or was it that meal I had at the Hungry Heifer? Oh, yes, yes, yes. I went back for their special chicken dinner.
Cliff: What was it?
Norm: A bowl of pellets and a handful of grain.

Quote from Carla

Dr. Ludlow: Carla, my proposal was not exactly met with the enthusiasm I expected, and it suddenly occurred to me that I never heard the word "yes".
Carla: I know. Look, Benny, I got to tell you some things. Would you sit down for a minute?
Dr. Ludlow: Oh. This sounds serious.
Carla: It is. It is. Uh... Have you seen The Brady Bunch?
Dr. Ludlow: Yes, I think so.
Carla: Well, picture them with knives.
Dr. Ludlow: I don't understand.
Carla: I have five kids.
Dr. Ludlow: Five?
Carla: Well, five and counting. You're going to be a daddy.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Sam: Hey, Normie, what would you like?
Norm: I don't know. You got anything pale and cold?
Carla: Yeah, but it's Diane's day off.
Norm: I'll have a beer then, I guess.

Quote from Frasier

Sam: Listen, is it possible this Ludlow fellow hasn't been seeing you two because he's been spending all his time with Carla?
Frasier: Yes, Sam. Either that or he had to finish his paper route on Mars. [Diane laughs] I'm sorry, Sam, you had to feel the sting of my wit, but it's a ludicrous question.

Quote from Carla

Sam: Are you OK?
Carla: Would you knock it off? Okay, okay. You're all going to know eventually so you might as well know now. I turned Benny down and I'm pregnant again. So, in case your math is bad, that makes six. Count them, six kids for an unmarried woman. I don't want your sappy looks. I don't want your charity. I don't want your sympathy. As a matter of fact, I don't even want to talk about this anymore. I just want to be left alone to live my life. Got it?
Sam: Got it. [everyone goes back to their business]
Carla: What are you people made of, stone?

Quote from Norm

Frasier: Coach, he's only one of the giants of psychiatry. Author, innovator, educator, and I'm not ashamed to say my idol and inspiration.
Norm: All right, you lean over and pretend to admire his tie tack, and you just nibble the morsel off real quick. Who's the wiser?
Diane: Sam is right. We have to tell him.
Frasier: Of course you're right. Oh, Sam, may we have three brandies, please? And I guess I'm the one who should tell him. After all, I'm the one who suggested beef Wellington.
Norm: Beef Wellington, you say? Where's that tie? Show me.

Quote from Norm

Cliff: Uh, Say, Norm?
Norm: Yes, Cliff?
Cliff: You seem to have a spot there on your tie.
Norm: So I do, so I do. Thank you, Cliffie, for pointing that out. You know, if more people were as conscientious as you are, I think we could wipe out social embarrassment in our times.
Cliff: Well, don't thank me, Norm. Periodic tie checks are the duty of every American citizen. [Dr. Ludlow walks away]
Norm: Did he look at his tie?
Cliff: No.
Norm: So much for subtlety. All right. You just start a fire for diversion. I'll hose him down.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Now wait a minute. Wait a minute. There are two mysteries going on here. First, Carla's been seeing this obviously very classy guy. And second, your pal's been avoiding two of you like the plague. Of course, that's the lesser of the two mysteries.
Frasier: Sam, you're talking about one of the most distinguished and accomplished men of letters I know, dating a common barmaid.
Sam: You're dating a barmaid.
Frasier: Well, she wasn't a barmaid when I met her.
Sam: Oh, that's right. That's right. She was a lunatic.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Frasier is in a very fragile state of mind. Your asinine theories, while suitable fodder for inane bar conversation, do nothing to ease his bitter pique.
Sam: Wait a minute a here. The one word I understood in that, I don't exactly care for. My theory's not asinine.
Diane: You're right. It's a lot worse. Think of the two of them together. [Dr. Ludlow enters the bar] Bennett Ludlow and Carla? It's hair-brained. Just imagine it! Well, you don't have to imagine it, there it is now. Have you ever seen... [screams]
Sam: No, I guess I haven't.
Frasier: Diane, what's... [screams]

Quote from Carla

Carla: You know, Benny here may look like a stiff, but he's really out for a good time.
Dr. Ludlow: I was drawn to Carla right from the start. Well, there's something so sensual, so earthy about her.
Carla: By the way, didn't any of you suspect anything?
Sam: No, no, I think you would have had to be a real brain to figure this one out, don't you think, Frasier?
Cliff: Uh, how come you kept this relationship such a secret, huh?
Carla: Well, that's the way me and Big Ben wanted it. Our backgrounds are a little different, which is a slight problem. I mean, if word starts getting around you're seeing a guy who tucks his T-shirt in his undershorts, then your reputation is shot to hell.
Dr. Ludlow: And I had similar reasons to be discrete.

Quote from Carla

Diane: Carla, I couldn't help noticing you're not exactly leaping for joy. Bennett Ludlow is a wonderful catch.
Carla: Yeah, well, there's some things he doesn't know about me.
Diane: Well, a little mystery is good for a marriage. What haven't you told him?
Carla: Well, I haven't been completely honest about my kids.
Diane: What haven't you told him about them?
Carla: That they live.
Diane: He doesn't know you have children? Carla, I think you'd better tell him. He's going to wonder who those little people are running around your place.
Carla: I was hoping he'd be too polite to ask.

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode