Coach: Boy, am I exhausted.
Norm: Not much sleep, huh?
Coach: No, Normie, I slept like a baby. It's just that I dreamed I had insomnia all night.
Cliff: You know, someday that man's head is gonna open up and a prize will pop out.

Sam: Hey, Diane. Psst. You know, I've been thinking...
Diane: Have you? The odds makers take a beating again.

Coach: OK, folks. Just to help you pass time away while you're waiting for your table upstairs, I'm going to show you a little trick that never fails to leave people with their mouths wide open. I'm going to guess your age by asking you three simple questions. OK?
Man: Sounds like fun.
Coach: Good. OK, first question. What year were you born?
Man: You gotta be kidding.
Coach: Please, bare with me, will you?
Man: 1949.
Coach: 1949. OK, second question. Uh, How much do you weigh?
Man: About 185 pounds.
Coach: 185 pounds. OK, third and last question. What do you do for a living?
Man: I'm a carpet salesman.
Coach: Carpet salesman. OK, I should have an answer for you right after dinner.
Man: After dinner?
Coach: Yeah, I didn't realize I had to carry a number.

Diane: Well, I think it's only fair that you tell him you have five children.
Carla: Six.
Diane: OK, six. But don't wait... I thought it was five.
Carla: It was. I just came from the doctor.
Diane: Oh! Oh! Carla, when you were in high school and you took Hygiene... did you cut the how-not-to lecture?
Carla: I had to. I was pregnant. I'm the most fertile woman living. For me, there's only one absolutely foolproof method of birth control, and it makes me sick to my stomach.
Diane: What's that?
Carla: Saying no.

Carla: I'm in love with someone else.
Dr. Ludlow: Who is it, Carla?
Carla: I don't know his name. I've never even met him yet. But I've had this really clear picture of him in my mind for what seems like forever. But he is going to walk into this bar one night. Well, not walk, more like swagger. You know, confident, but not cocky. He's OK-looking, but he's no pretty-boy. He's a swell dresser. He's got on this burgundy leather jacket. He's got cherry LifeSavers in one pocket and a pack of Camels in the other. He's trying to quit them both, but he can't. His nose is broken in all the right places. And he's got this scar that he won't talk about. He cracks his knuckles all the time, drives me up the wall. But what are you going to do? Doesn't talk much. Doesn't have to. He falls for me. Hard. I hurt him a few times. He gets over it. We get married. So, you see, it'd be a little messy if I was already married when he got here.
Dr. Ludlow: You know, Carla, I sort of have a dream girl myself.
Carla: Oh. Oh, tell me about her.
Dr. Ludlow: Well, she's a spunky, hearty, curly-haired little spitfire who doesn't know what's really good for her.
Carla: Well, I hope you find her someday.
Dr. Ludlow: Me too. By the way, I intend to take care of that child financially.
Carla: You bet your buns you will, Benny baby.

Sam: What seems to be the problem here, folks?
Frasier: Well, Sam, my colleague has dropped a crumb during dinner and in the intervening hours it has become encrusted on his tie.
Cliff: So what? You could take Norm's tie here, put it in a kettle and make soup. Incidentally, it's a little known fact, the tie was invented in ancient times to be used as a bib. You know, to wipe your chin.
Coach: You mean they're thinking of changing that?

Frasier: I guess we've been trying too hard. We've been too eager. Sam, can I get a beer or something, please? Especially that first night when we made such buffoons of ourselves.
Diane: We, Frasier?
Frasier: All right, you.
Diane: Me?
Frasier: Yes! The way you fawned over him was nothing less than criminal. If you had taken off your clothes and writhed on the floor in front of him, it would have been a refreshing note of subtlety. No wonder the man's been shunning us.
Diane: Frasier, you were so obsequious, if he had asked you to cluck like a chicken and lay an egg, you would have squatted and asked, "What color?"
Frasier: Well, he didn't ask me to, so it's a moot point at best, Diane.

Cliff: No, it's true, Coach. See, many scientists believe that the little finger, that's the pinkie in the legerdemain, will one day, like the tail, disappear, you know, cos it serves no useful purpose.
Coach: Well, you know, people couldn't go swimming without their little finger.
Norm: Why do you need a little finger to swim, Coach?
Coach: When you come out of the water, you can't do this. [cleans out ear]
Cliff: I stand corrected.

Dr. Ludlow: Carla, my proposal was not exactly met with the enthusiasm I expected, and it suddenly occurred to me that I never heard the word "yes".
Carla: I know. Look, Benny, I got to tell you some things. Would you sit down for a minute?
Dr. Ludlow: Oh. This sounds serious.
Carla: It is. It is. Uh... Have you seen The Brady Bunch?
Dr. Ludlow: Yes, I think so.
Carla: Well, picture them with knives.
Dr. Ludlow: I don't understand.
Carla: I have five kids.
Dr. Ludlow: Five?
Carla: Well, five and counting. You're going to be a daddy.

Norm: Well, I think this occasion calls for somebody to buy a round of drinks!
Dr. Ludlow: Oh, well, I'll do that!
Norm: Hey, you beat me to it. I'll get the next one.