Michael: Ah, Tahani. I've been working on my Western Hemisphere brunch banter. Tell me what you think. That New Yorker article was crazy. You haven't seen Hamilton? Hey, did you hear about Stephanie?
Tahani: Very well done, Michael.

Eleanor: What is it with you and frozen yogurt? Have you not heard of ice cream?
Michael: Oh, sure, but I've come to really like frozen yogurt. There's something so human about taking something great and ruining it a little so you can have more of it.
Eleanor: [chuckles] That is very human. Why do you need a human to be your assistant? I mean, aren't there more of... whatever you are?
Michael: Well, since we're becoming friends, like Ross and Phoebe...
Eleanor: Weird combo to pick, but okay.
Michael: I'm gonna tell you a secret. Usually, architects don't live in their neighborhoods. Usually, the people show up, we play the movie, Janet is there to answer questions, and you're on your own. But I had this theory. I thought transition would be easier if the architect were on-site for at least the first 1,000 years or so.
Eleanor: That's why you've been so freaked out. 'Cause your butt is on the line.
Michael: My boss thought I was nuts. And if this neighborhood doesn't work, I am in big trouble. But more importantly, I promised all of you that you would be safe and happy. And you just don't break a promise. Unlike Ross when he promised Emily not to talk to Rachel.
Eleanor: Wow, you are really into that show.

Michael: This is where the sinkhole opened up. And the guest list that night was limited.
Janet: [appears] There were a total of 30 people here that night.
Michael: [laughs]
Eleanor: Only 30, huh?
Michael: [laughs] How do you pump your fists again? Is this it?
Janet: But 66 others passed through to take a look before it opened, and everyone else in the neighborhood was in a close radius.
Eleanor: Oh, boy, that... doesn't narrow it down at all. Feels like the end of the road. "End of the Road," Boyz II Men, karaoke. Let's go... don't think about it too much.
Michael: Janet. My hoodie, please. [Michael puts on a grey hoodie, pulls the hood over his head and tightens the drawstrings]
Eleanor: What's happening?
Michael: I give up. I can't help the people I promised that I would help. I feel like Friends in season eight, out of ideas and forcing Joey and Rachel together, even though it made no sense. I hope the sinkhole opens up again and swallows me whole.

Michael: Tahani, I'm so sorry. We need to cancel this party immediately.
Tahani: But why?
Michael: For a being like me, retirement... is not something fun.
Chidi: What is "retirement" for you, exactly?
Michael: Well, I wasn't gonna share this so as not to upset you, but it's, a... [sighs] an extreme form of punishment. We call it "The Eternal Shriek." My soul will be disintegrated, and each molecule will be placed on the surface of a different burning sun. And then my... my essence will be scooped out of my body with a flaming ladle and poured over hot diamonds.
Tahani: Oh, but the diamonds sound lovely.
Michael: They're not... And then what's left of my body will be endlessly beaten with a titanium rod, like a...
Tahani: Like a pinata.
Michael: Yes, except you have the string around my waist, but instead it will definitely be around my genitals.

Michael: And finally, a multi-part question: Did you ever appear on the American television program The Bachelor or its companion shows The Bachelorette and Bachelor in Paradise, or post on any social media site that you were emotionally invested in any of the relationships the contestants were pursuing?
Eleanor: No.
Michael: Okay. You did very well on the questionnaire, Eleanor. So far, so good.

Chidi: Michael...
Michael: Oh, hi, Chidi. Want some pizza? Bad Place crew delivered a hundred of these to my office. All Hawaiian, the worst pizza.

Michael: Okay. I think I figured this out. There is a real Jianyu, a Taiwanese monk who took an oath of silence at the age of eight. But, three months ago, he went into such a deep meditative state that he registered as dead, and when you died at that exact same moment, our system mistook you for him. Perhaps because you share the exact same IQ.
Jason: Cool.
Michael: No, not cool. He stopped learning at the age of seven.

Michael: I mean, all this hard work, all the planning, all for nothing. This really sucks.
Eleanor: No, it doesn't. This is wonderful. You saw us all on Earth... a selfish ass, an idiot DJ, a tortured academic, a hot, rich fraud with legs for days... Side note, I might legit be into Tahani. But that's for another time. You thought we would torture each other, and we did for a little, but we also took care of each other. We improved each other, and the four of us became a team. So, the only thing you succeeded in doing was bringing us all together.
Michael: Oh, Eleanor. That's it! My big mistake was bringing you all together, having you be soul mates living next to each other. Next time, I'll spread you out so it's more of a slow burn.
Chidi: Uh, next time?
Michael: Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna erase your memories, you know, make a few changes and start over again. Hopefully. Just gotta get the boss man to sign off. Wish me luck.

Chuck: I have some questions about my character too. Like... can he bite them?
Michael: No. Okay, reminder: the most important thing tonight... and this is crucial... you need to get Eleanor drunk at the welcome party, so she will say and do a bunch of bad stuff. And then we take that stuff and use it to build our chaos sequence in the morning. For example, you remember last time, she stole all the cocktail shrimp, and we made giant nightmare shrimp fly through the sky? See, it's those details that make her realize she's in danger of being found out. Okay... I know that this kind of large-scale deception is not what you were trained to do. There are gonna be days when you're just sick of being around these disgusting humans, with their weird, gross little mouths, and their stupid elbows. You're gonna be tempted to say, "Screw it. Can't we just go back to HQ "and do this the old-fashioned way? "Pull out some fingernails, toss someone in an acid pit, fire up the old penis flattener?" And sure, sure, that sounds nice. But it also sounds easy. We're all here because we believe that there's a better way to make humans miserable. And I... I believe in you. So, "torture" on three. Ready? One, two, three...
All: Torture!
Chuck: And biting!
Michael: Nope! No.

Chidi: No way. Soul mates are real?
Michael: They sure are. Although, your soul-mate situation is a little unusual.
Chidi: Oh, no. I don't have one, do I? That's fine. I mean, who needs a soul mate, anyway? My soul mate will be... books!
Michael: No, no, it's not that you don't have a soul mate, it's that you have multiple soul mates. Here. Now, normally, our omniscient system perfectly analyzes each person's profile, and then matches him or her with another person. But in your case, the system matched you with two other people. It's a rare occurrence, like... like a double rainbow, or someone on the Internet saying, "You know what? You've convinced me I was wrong."