Eleanor: If you're not human, why do you look like us?
Michael: Everyone in the Bad Place Bureau of Human Affairs gets randomly assigned a human body so we can get the feel of how best to torture you. I gotta say, it took me a long time to get used to the hanging bits.
Eleanor: Gross.
Michael: Oh, get your mind out of the gutter, Eleanor. I was talking about my testicles.

Michael: So that's their plan.
Jason: This doesn't seem so bad.
Michael: Yeah. It really tucks my nuggets. I worked so hard on my torture ideas, and theirs are so basic. These millennials, they have no work ethic. Oh, sorry, a millennial is someone who has only been torturing people for a thousand years. Millennial.

Chidi: I just want to have a little chat about your progress. In the last homework assignment, I asked you to examine the ethics of "Les Miserables," in which a man steals a loaf of bread to feed his starving family. Would you please read your first paragraph here?
Michael: "Everyone in this story sucks and belongs in the Bad Place. The thief is bad. The officer chasing him is bad. All the whiny prostitutes are bad. Plus, they're all French, so they're going to the Bad Place automatically."
Chidi: Do you see how you're already off topic?
Michael: Chidi, I've been around a long time... like, all of it. But I know for a fact that if you steal a loaf of bread, it's a negative 17 points... 20 if it's a baguette because that makes you more French.
Chidi: Okay. Sure. But philosophy is about questioning things that you take for granted, and I-I just don't think that you're doing that. I mean, "I personally know that Victor Hugo is in the Bad Place being tortured. He's a real wuss, too. If one of the lava monsters even gets near the guy, he's like, 'Sacre bleu, I peed in m' pants.'"
Michael: I don't know what you want from me. T-that's exactly what he said.

Shawn: Before tonight's party, I'd love to talk more about your strategy for torturing Tahani. I'm impressed you were able to make her fall in love with Jason. She must be miserable.
Michael: Yeah. Humans make a lot of mistakes when they're horny.

Michael: Hello, you dummies! [all laughing] This neighborhood was a labor of hate for many people here, so I thought that we should celebrate with an art form that we literally invented here in the Bad Place: the comedy roast! [all cheering] I see Jason Mendoza's here. Jason might not be the smartest guy in the world, but he is the dumbest guy in the world. Oh, Jason, buddy, all you had to do was to keep quiet, but you couldn't stop talking about Kendall Jenner or that dumb quarterback... what was his name? Derek Bortles? Always ranting about Derek Bortles. Lucky for you, my friend, Jaguars games are the only ones televised in the Bad Place, because they suck!
Jason: No, they don't. All we need is a defense and an offense and some rule changes.
Eleanor: Don't take it personally. He just has to put on a show for the other demons.

Shawn: So, just to be clear, you actually rebooted them over 800 times, and all of these reports of their torture are completely fake?
Michael: Yes, but frankly, this is on you. A lot of those details I just took directly from Stephen King novels and episodes of Pretty Little Liars.

Michael: Oh, wow! I was just on Earth. It was incredible. The... the traffic, the pigeons. And I saw this place that was, at once, a Pizza Hut and a Taco Bell! I mean, oh! The mind reels. A Pizza Hut and a Taco Bell! Ah!

Michael: Hang on. I'm not giving up yet. Let's have an old-fashioned brainstorming session. We'll get Chinese food, and we'll throw pencils and stick them in the ceiling, and someone will say something innocuous and I'll say, "Wait... Say that again."

Michael: Eleanor? Come on in. Hi, Eleanor. I'm Michael. How are you today?
Eleanor: I'm great. Thanks for asking. Oh, one question. Where am I? Who are you? And what's going on?
Michael: Right, so, you, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead. Your life on Earth has ended, and you are now in the next phase of your existence in the universe.
Eleanor: Cool. Cool. I have some questions.
Michael: Thought you might.
Eleanor: How did I die? I-I don't remember.
Michael: Yes, um, in cases of traumatic or embarrassing deaths, we erase the memory to allow for a peaceful transition. Are you sure you want to hear? [Eleanor nods] All right, so you were in a grocery store parking lot. You dropped a bottle of something called "Lonely Gal Margarita Mix for One." And when you bent down to pick it up, a long column of shopping carts that were being returned to the shopping cart collection area rolled out of control and plowed right into you.
Eleanor: Oof. That's how I died?
Michael: No, sorry, there's more. You were able to grab on to the front of the column of shopping carts, but it swept you right out into the street where you were struck and killed by a mobile billboard truck advertising an erectile dysfunction pill called "Engorge-ulate." Funnily enough, the first EMT to arrive was an ex-boyfriend of yours...
Eleanor: Okay, that's... I get it, thank you.
Michael: Oh, okay, sorry.

Michael: [on video] [chuckles] Ah. Hello, everyone. And welcome to your first day in the afterlife. You were all, simply put, good people. But how do we know that you were good? How are we sure? During your time on Earth, every one of your actions had a positive or a negative value, depending on how much good or bad that action put into the universe. Every sandwich you ate, every time you bought a magazine, every single thing you did had an effect that rippled out over time and ultimately created some amount of good or bad. You know how some people pull into the breakdown lane when there's traffic? And they think to themselves, "Ah, who cares? No one's watching." We were watching. Surprise. [audience laughs] Anyway, when your time on Earth has ended, we calculate the total value of your life using our perfectly accurate measuring system. Only the people with the very highest scores, the true cream of the crop, get to come here, to the Good Place. What happens to everyone else, you ask? Don't worry about it. The point is, you are here because you lived one of the very best lives that could be lived. And you won't be alone. Your true soul mate is here too. That's right. Soul mates are real. One of the other people in your neighborhood is your actual soul mate, and you will spend eternity together. So welcome to eternal happiness. Welcome to the Good Place. Sponsored by: otters holding hands while they sleep. You know the way you feel when you see a picture of two otters holding hands? That's how you're gonna feel every day.