Michael: [cackling] Are you kidding me? Eleanor Shellstrop, you sneaky little so-and-so. That was some very quick thinking. I'm extremely impressed. And to be honest... I'm relieved. At least there's an explanation for why this all went south so fast. But you're not gonna be so lucky next time.
Tahani: Next time?
Chidi: What?
Michael: Yeah. [laughs]
Eleanor: Oh, no. He's gonna do it again! [eats paper]
Michael: That's not gonna work this time... dummy.
Tahani: Okay, excuse me. I'm sorry, but this is unacceptable. I demand to speak to your superior.
Michael: I am so sorry, madam. Please forgive me. [snaps fingers]

Michael: How did it come to this? I was just trying to do of something innovative and different that would improve the way we make humans' lives miserable for eternity.
Jason: Mm, well...
Michael: Shut up. What are my options? Do I have any? I mean, I can't go along with her plan. It'll be a spectacular failure. But I can't ignore her or she'll rat me out to Shawn. I'm trapped.
Jason: You're saying a lot of words right now, and I only know some of them, like "rat" and "Jason". But I know a little wisdom I can give you.
Michael: I know everything that happened in your life, and it was all stupid, so I highly doubt that.
Jason: I was a member of a 60-person dance crew in Jacksonville. We were called "Dance Dance Resolution: We Resolve To Dance". One day, Donkey Doug and I got into a fight because I'd framed his girlfriend for boogie board theft, so he started a new dance crew called Hashtag DougLife and immediately challenged us to a dance-off. He said, "Meet us inside the abandoned orange juice factory at midnight." That night, as the clock struck 12:00, me and my crew came together with a determination we had never shown before and slashed all their tires. It was dope. The end. By Jason Mendoza.
Michael: You know, that inane story actually contains a bit of good advice. Thank you, Jason.
Jason: You got it, homey. I give good advice. Guess that's why I'm in the Good Place.

Eleanor: What is so funny?
Michael: I'm sorry, I shouldn't be laughing. How do I explain this? I'm basically an exterminator and you're cockroaches. My job was to squish you and poison you and yet, somehow, my very survival now depends on you, the cockroaches, agreeing to help me. That's funny.
Eleanor: We're cockroaches to you?
Michael: Yeah. Or dung beetles. I don't know. Something small and gross that creeps on the ground in its own filth. Just being honest.

Chidi: Is there any way that you can die?
Michael: Yeah, actually there is. It's called retirement. It's rare, but when one of us really screws something up... [clicks teeth]
Chidi: And what happens exactly?
Michael: Well, it's fairly straightforward. My essence would be scooped out of my body with a flaming ladle, and every molecule of my body would be placed on the surface of a different sun.
Eleanor: Sure.
Chidi: So is that what would happen if your boss found out that you defected to our side?
Michael: Yeah.
Chidi: Okay, so that might actually happen, and if it did there would be no more... Michael. Think about that for a second. Imagine being retired. Everyone else is here. But you? Poof. Gone. Nothingness. Inky black void. Done.
Michael: Okay. I'll think about that.
Michael: Huh. So... you're saying that I would be... No... Me? [exclaiming]
Chidi: Okay! Now we're getting somewhere.

Chidi: Michael, you've been kind of quiet. What do you think about all this?
Michael: Well, obviously the dilemma is clear. How do you kill all six people? So I would dangle a sharp blade out the window to slice the neck of the guy on the other track as we smush our five main guys. [off their looks] Oh, I did the thing again, didn't I?
Chidi: Yep. Ten more, buddy.
Michael: "People good." "People good." Why is that so hard to remember? People... What is it?
Chidi: Good.
Michael: Good.

Chidi: Okay, Michael... trust me. When it comes to human ethics, I just know more than you. I've been studying it my whole life.
Michael: It's just that it's so theoretical, you know? I mean, you know, maybe there's a more... concrete approach. Here, let's try this.
[After Michael snaps his fingers, he, Chidi and Eleanor are suddenly on a trolley car in a busy city district]
Chidi: Oh, God! Michael, what did you do? [trolley bell ringing]
Michael: I made The Trolley Problem real so we could see how the ethics would actually play out. There are five workers on this track and one over there. Here are the levers to switch the tracks. Make a choice.
Chidi: T-the thing is, I mean, ethically speaking...
Eleanor: No time, dude! Make a decision!
Chidi: Well, it's tricky! I mean, on the one hand, if you ascribe to a purely utilitarian worldview...
[Chidi is splattered with blood as the trolley crashes into the five workers.]
Michael: Okay. So... what did we learn?

Michael: What? I'm finding this incredibly helpful. I think I'm really starting to get it. Oh, I know. We'll do the one where you're in a boat next to a volcano, and you can either save 50 people, or one awesome dog or whatever.
Chidi: No, no, no, no, no.
Eleanor: Hey. Are you torturing us again?
Michael: What?
Eleanor: You don't care about learning ethics lessons. You're just torturing Chidi again, aren't you?
Michael: Busted.
Chidi: What?
Michael: [laughing wildly] I'm sorry. Old habits die hard. Not as hard as those people you crushed with the trolley, though. Boom!
Chidi: I'm sorry, is this funny to you?
Michael: Yeah. I thought that was clear from my laughter. Oh, come on. My bad. Look, I'm still on your team, okay? I just needed to let off a little steam. Phew.

Michael: I screwed up. I'm owning it. I mean, I'm a superior being... I ought to act like one, right? So I really thought about each one of you, and I got you something that will make you happy. I call them "opposite tortures."
Eleanor: Do you mean presents?
Michael: Yes, that's better. Thank you. Tahani, here's yours.
Tahani: Holy mama. Is this a diamond?
Michael: Yeah. Honestly, I don't get the appeal. Diamonds are literally carbon molecules lined up in the most boring way. They're worthless space garbage. What you're holding right now... that's basically meteorite poop.
Tahani: [squealing] And I have the biggest piece!

Michael: What do you want from me, man? You want me to give you a golden nameplate for your office? Or you want a diamond bigger than Tahani's?
Tahani: No! Then this would be worthless.
Chidi: I don't want anything.
Michael: Oh. Oh, okay. Ah, I get it. I get it. You want me to admit that I was wrong. You want me to say, "Oh, Chidi, I'm so sorry because I didn't understand human ethics and you do. It made me feel insecure, and I lashed out. And, oh, please help me because I feel so... so lonely and vulnerable."
Chidi: Yes.
Michael: Oh, Chidi, I am so sorry. I, um... I didn't understand human ethics, and you do. And it made me feel insecure, and I lashed out. And I really need your help because I feel... so lost and vulnerable.
Chidi: Have a seat.

Michael: Tahani Al-Jamil, elegance, grace, sophistication, but enough about your sister. [audience laughing] You know what the worst moment of Tahani's life was? When the last song played at one of her parties, and she would run off and cry because she still hadn't won her parents' approval. [laughter] You know the other worst moment of Tahani's life? Every other moment of her empty, pointless life! Hey-oh!