Michael: We have no way to know what this really means for the experiment. I don't think we can play it safe. I have a plan. It's risky. But it might be the only way to get them to where they need to be. Do you trust me?
Eleanor: Yeah. Fork it. Whatever it is, I'm in.
Jason: I'm always down for forking it.
Tahani: We trust you Michael.
Michael: Then trust... the Magnificent Dr. Presto.
Eleanor: Man, you cannot pull that hat out after you ask us if we trust you.

Eleanor: Okay. Ladies and gentlemen... I can't believe I'm saying this. The Magnificent Dr. Presto. [applause]
Michael: Thank you. Now, I know some of you may not believe in magic.
Janet: Well, I think they believe in some magic. Yesterday everybody ate a lollipop that let them talk to birds. [applause]
Michael: Okay, but this is Earth magic. And it's harder. And if you don't understand that, I am here... to change your mind. [laughs] Oh, come on. It started out as a dollar bill and now it's four quarters. "Change your mind"?
Janet: Michael, it's three quarters.
Michael: What? Oh, three quarters. Three quarters, even harder! Thank you! [tepid applause] Can you make them clap harder?
Janet: They see what they see, man.

Brent: So... no Best Place?
Eleanor: [mockingly] "Oh, so no Best Place?"
Michael: Oh, Brent, you big white oaf. Never change, bud.
Eleanor: Well, I guess we should let him know you guys are on your way.
Michael: Yeah.
Brent: Wait. On our way where?
Michael: The actual Bad Place. They let us toy with you a little just for kicks, but now you're going... [squeaks] And trust me on this. It's a lot worse. [both laugh]

Judge: Take it away, Matt.
Matt: Okay, the moment we've all been waiting for. The test results that dictate the future of humanity. Here we go. In 30, 29...
Judge: Ahem.
Matt: ...two, one. Voila. [slot machine sound effects] I thought this would be fun. Had a lot of time alone in there.
Michael: Bam! Simone got 12% better than she was on Earth. Bam! Chidi got 26% better. Bam! John got 44% better. [comical music plays on machine] Shoot. Shouldn't have committed so hard to this "bam" thing.

Michael: No, Mindy's house. Eleanor always thought there should be a Medium Place for people who led medium lives. That's the answer. We make the Medium Place a third option.
Eleanor: Of course. Maybe if you score negative points on Earth. "Sorry, you blew it. Enjoy having your penis flattened." Over a million or whatever, party time. And everyone else in between gets their own, personal Cincinnati.
Chidi: It's definitely less cruel than the current system, but it's not great.
Michael: Well, it might be the best we can do given the circumstances. Let's try to sell it to the brass.

Michael: Fork this. If we're gonna lose, let's lose on our own terms. Let's come up with a completely new idea that actually makes the universe better.
Eleanor: Amen. At least then, we can hold our heads high. Okay, we need to come up with our ideal plan in about 10 minutes.
Michael: Guys, it's all come to this. Everything we've been through... the multiple lives you led on Earth, all the lives you led here, all the ethics training and lessons and journeys to the farthest corners of the afterlife, all happened so that we could be here, together... as the very best versions of ourselves, to solve the ultimate problem in the nick of time.
Eleanor: Cool speech. Now it's nine minutes.
Michael: Chidi, can you do this?
Chidi: Actually, what you just said, the very best versions of ourselves, gave me an idea.
Michael: Ha. Turns out it was a cool speech.

Michael: Okay, so, thoughts?
Megan: Yeah. This all sounds so lame.
Michael: No, it's the current system that's lame. It's so basic. You get a human's file, and let's be honest, you never even read it. You just skip to the fears and phobias section and use that to torture them. Fear of snakes, throw them in a snake pit. Worried something's gonna happen to your normal cylindrical penis, flatten it. This new way allows you to test their specific psychological flaws and weaknesses.
Janet: And trust us, they have plenty. [points at Tahani]
Tahani: Hey.
Janet: Sorry. I'm in selling mode.

Janet: Michael, why did you fire Vicky?
Michael: Look, I know she did well on the first test, but it's beginner's luck. There's an X factor here. A secret sauce that only I truly know how to pour over the... the juicy s-steak of this process.
Janet: I've never said this before, but... what?
Tahani: Not only is Vicky good at test design, but she's good at teaching the others.
Michael: Well, that's the problem. She's moving too fast. We have to learn how to walk before we can run.
Janet: So, first, you thought it would take forever, and now it's moving too fast?
Michael: First of all, you know, uh, shut up. A-and second of all, just shut up.

Michael: It's you guys.
Jason: For real?
Michael: The Judge agreed that the four of you don't need to take the test. Turns out that saving every soul in the universe is worth a few points. You're in. [all laughing and cheering] [a hot air balloon lands] I know, I know. It's real this time. I promise. Get in.
Chidi: Are you coming, too?
Michael: Yeah, I figured I would. Recently unemployed. Might as well do some traveling. Shall we?
Chidi: Whoa.
Jason: Foles!

Michael: I am so honored by this gesture. This feels right. This will be my new purpose. Everything's falling into place.
Chuck: Great, let's get to it. Just put on this ceremonial robe.
Michael: Ha!
Drew: Boy, do you have the shoulders for a robe.
Daisuke: Just sign this scroll.
Michael: I've never signed my name before. What signature type to choose? A "Doctor Blob," or no, "Athlete who doesn't really care about the kid." Oh, wait, no. "Middle school girl with crush on Zac Efron." That way, I can put a little heart over the "I".
Chuck: Perfect, and here is your official medal.
Michael: Now I know what Mary Lou Retton feels like.
Chuck: And great, now you are officially in charge of the Good Place.
Michael: I'm sorry. "In charge"?
Chuck: Yup, you're the boss now. That was all legally binding, and we all quit, effective immediately. That is irreversible, so it's all your problem now. Don't try to find us, no take-backs. Okay, bye-bye!