Judge: Your experiment with the humans is over.
Michael: Are you gonna kill them?
Judge: No. But starting now... there is no more monitoring them. They're just regular humans that need to hit the regular point threshold to see if they make it into the Good Place.
Michael: Hm...
Judge: And if they don't... [blows raspberry] And right now, the two of you are going back to the Bad Place.
Janet: But they'll retire Michael. And I'll be marbleized!
Judge: Well, maybe you should have thought about that before you intervened in human affairs! I mean, because of you, Byron Allen owns The Weather Channel now.
Michael: Is- Is that bad?
Judge: I don't know, but it's weird, man!

Judge: So here are the rules. Michael designs the new Neighborhood however he wants. The Bad Place gets to choose the four new humans. But they have to be the same general level of badness as the original four, all right? No serial killers, no dictators, no one who managed a boy band. Michael will not get the files in advance, so he does not have forever to plan. But he can then change the neighborhood however he wants.
Shawn: Yeah, I have about a billion objections to this.
Michael: So do I.
Judge: Good. That means it's a fair compromise.

Judge: How are you guys surprised? I mean, what did you think was gonna happen if you won?
Michael: I don't know. I thought we could just give, like, give three points for eating an apple instead of two.
Tahani: Yes, why can't we just tweak the points a little? Just, you know, a little boost. Like Spanx, but for your soul.
Eleanor: Yes.
Judge: Guys, the problem isn't the points. It's that Earth has become too complicated for the points to reflect the value of human behavior. Remember? The whole thing you discovered? And now I have no choice but to fix it. Where did I put that human wiper outer thingy? Lip gloss, lip gloss, thing that ends all the wars, Justified Season 2.
Shawn: Wow, you won. And you still somehow failed. Classic. [laughs]

Judge: Aw, nuts. How did I fall for that?
Chidi: Please, have a seat, Your Honor.
Judge: I already told you. I'm not interested. Give me one reason why I should hear you out?
Janet: Okay. Here he is.
Timothy Olyphant: [appears] Ma'am.
Janet: You made me an Olyphant?
Timothy Olyphant: I think you should hear them out, Judge. Only seems fair.
Judge: Yeah, you're probably right. Well played, Janet. I don't mind taking in the view when the scenery is so pretty. Oh, I should call Shawn for this.

Judge: Well?
Shawn: Hmm... pass.
Eleanor: Well, guys, I really thought you had it.
Judge: It has been a genuine pleasure, sweetie. [Timothy Olyphant disappears] Oh. [sings] Gonna erase the Earth Erase the Earth

Michael: Hey-oh! Time to go nuts, 'cause I brought donuts... Huh, no one's here. Shoot. That was gonna be a big laugh.
Judge: Hey, sweetie. Did you not get the message?
Michael: No. Why, was the meeting cancelled?
Judge: Uh, yeah. Forever. We dissolved the council.
Michael: What?
Judge: We don't need it anymore. Your system's working perfectly. Millions of humans passing their tests, you know. Oh, Vicky's really killing it on the training, so it's all good.
Michael: Well... [stutters] All right, well... Hang on, now. Look, how are we even sure that this is the right system? I mean, honestly, I think Shawn was right. This whole thing sucks and we should start from scratch.
Judge: Relax, worrywart. Take a load off. Huh? Enjoy yourself. You know what I just discovered recently? Podcasts. There's, like, a billion of them and they just keep coming.
Michael: Hmm.
Judge: Now scoot. I got a new Radiolab to listen to about how clams learn. [both chuckle] Pretty excited.

Judge: Well, it wasn't in you. Any last words?
Neutral Janet: These are my last words. End of words.
Judge: Yes. Really boring. Bye! [marbleizes Neutral Janet] All right, who's next?
Bad Janet: Your dad's pimply butt, you fat dink.
Judge: That is so interesting because last time I checked, I didn't have a dad. That's why I'm attracted to all the father figures on the TV shows I watch. M'kay?

Judge: All right, fun stuff.
Eleanor: Yeah.
Chidi: Yeah?
Judge: Feeling good?
Eleanor: Very.
Chidi: I think so, yes.
Judge: Great. You're all going to the Bad Place.

Judge: I mean, look at us. Good times. All right, off to eternal damnation.
Michael: [o.s.] [yells] Hey!
Judge: Do you hear something?
Michael: [arrives through the portal] Oh! Hey, guys. How you been?

Judge: We can watch together. I can whip up some nachos.
Janet: I am incapable of eating, so.
Judge: Suit yourselves. Party poopers.
Michael: Ah, party poopers!
Judge: I guess it'll just be me and Mark, then.
Michael: Naughty, naughty.