Chidi: Good! But there's a lot of other versions of this, like what if you knew one of the people? Does that change the equation? Or what if you're not the driver, you're just a bystander? Or let's throw the trolley out altogether. Let's say you're a doctor, and you can save five patients. But you have to kill one healthy person and use his organs to do it.
Tahani: But that's not the same thing.
Chidi: Why not? It's still choosing to kill one person to save five, isn't it?

Michael: These five people all need organ transplants, or they will die. Eleanor's perfectly healthy. Chidi, do you want to slice her open and use her organs to save the five sick people?
Eleanor: Chidi, Chidi, think about this. I'm your hottest friend... No, Tahani. I'm your nicest fr... No, Jason. I'm your friend.
Chidi: I-I won't do it. As a doctor, I've taken the Hippocratic Oath to do no harm, and although five people will die, I cannot harm one innocent person to save them and forsake my oath. It's unethical.
Michael: Okay. Tell their families.
Chidi: What?
[After Michael snaps his fingers, the trio are now in a hospital corridor with a group of families]
Girl: Doctor Chidi? My daddy needed a heart transplant. Did you save his life? He was working, then a really bad man ran him over with a trolley.
Chidi: Oh! Come on!

Chidi: An unlimited library. All of my philosophy heroes walking around, waiting to be engaged in rigorous intellectual debate, and I hope that library is air-conditioned, because we are going to be working up quite a sweat. Oh! And soul mates! I hope they're real. I mean, you know for all of us. I hope everyone gets someone special.

Chidi: Okay, here's the thing. That balloon wants us to be the best version of ourselves. But for the four of us, that's not just a metaphor. There have literally been 802 different versions of us. And how do I know that this version is the best version of myself? How do I know it's not version #85, or 322, or 558?
Jason: Or 69, or 420? [Jason and Eleanor slap palms]
Chidi: And then you get into the whole idea of consciousness. And I mean just forget about best. And what version of Chidi is even real?
Tahani: What happens here? Does he eventually tire himself out?
Eleanor: Usually, but this one seems to be getting stronger as he goes on.
Chidi: ... And this Chidi is an imposter!
Eleanor: Okay. This is pretty simple, bud. You've been our teacher this whole time. And we are much better because of you. If we're the best versions of ourselves, which that balloon just proved, then you definitely are.
Chidi: So in a way, it doesn't matter if I was better in version 492 or whatever, because the best version of me is just as much about my effect on the world around me as it is about my own egocentric self-image. I really meant that much to you guys?
Eleanor: Of course you did. Now let's get you back on that scale, dorkus.

Chidi: [animatronic figure] I'm Chidi Anagonye, or maybe I'm not. I can't decide anything. Or maybe I can. Aww. I can't decide. My stomach hurts. [audience laughing]
Eleanor: What? They kind of nailed it. I've heard you say all that stuff.

Chidi: [sings] You put the Peeps in the chilipot, and eat them both up You put the Peeps in the chilipot, and add the M&Ms You put the Peeps in the chili pot, It makes it taste... bad! [clears throat] [talks] I'm gonna eat all this chili and/or die trying. Anyone want any? I'm just gonna put it right down here. Come on. Dip your paws in my chili. Scoop your little mittens right in the stew.
Man: Professor? I can see that you're going through something, but exams are next week. So can you teach us anything?
Chidi: All right, nerd. You want to learn something? I'll teach you something. I'm gonna teach you the meaning of life. How do ya like them apples? Now over the last, 2,500 years Western philosophers have formed three main theories on how to live an ethical life. Now, first off, there's "virtue ethics." Aristotle believed that there were certain virtues of mind and character, like courage or generosity. And you should try to develop yourself in accordance with those virtues. Next, there's consequentialism. The basis for judgment about whether something is right or wrong stems from the consequences of that action. How much utility, or good, did it accomplish versus how much pain, or bad. And finally, there's deontology. The school of thought that there are strict rules and duties that everyone must adhere to in a functioning society. Being ethical is simply identifying and obeying those duties and following those rules. But here's the thing, my little chili babies all three of those theories are hot, stinky, cat dookie. The true meaning of life, the actual ethical system that you should all follow is nihilism. The world is empty. There is no point to anything and you're just gonna die. So, do whatever! And now, I'm gonna eat my marshmallow candy chili in silence and you all can jump up your own butts.
Woman: Is that going to be on the test?
Chidi: Yes. And no. And you all get "A"s or "F"s. And there is no test. And you all failed it, and you all got "A"s. Who cares? Goodbye. [groaning voice] Goodbye.

Chidi: Yeah, I'm pretty excited to relax and have a drink. I mean, saving souls feels great, but Sydney to Budapest to Phoenix to Calgary... I'm so jetlagged, I can't even regrender my chorf. Don't even know what I was trying to say.

Eleanor-Janet: I don't get this, man. Why wouldn't you want to know what our life was like? You're not even a little bit curious what it was like to hit this? I don't mean this this. Although, frankly, I would also hit this this.
Chidi-Janet: I don't want to see those memories because, philosophically speaking, they're none of my business. They happened to someone else. Let me explain. [summons a black board] Take a seat. Conceptions of the self. Let's start with John Locke, who believed that personal identity was based on having a continued consciousness. Essentially, memory. Memories are links in a chain that together form a single self. If I can't remember what happened because it happened to a Chidi from another timeline, it's not a unified me.
Jason-Janet: Just because you don't remember doing something doesn't mean you didn't do it. I have no idea how it happened, but there is definitely a tattoo on my butt that says "Jasom."
Chidi-Janet: That brings us to Derek Parfit.
Tahani-Janet: It does?
Chidi-Janet: Parfit said even if I have memories from an earlier time, that doesn't necessarily mean it was me. After all, if my brain was split in two and each half was put in a different person, which one is me? All I know is that other Chidi doesn't exist anymore, and this one does. So this must be the real Chidi.
Eleanor-Janet: And all I know is that you're just barfing Wikipedia all over everyone to avoid talking about your feelings.
Chidi-Janet: Let's talk about David Hume.

Chidi: It's okay. Cry as long as you want.
Eleanor: I'm going to. [sniffling] 'Cause my tears taste like the nacho cheese from my favorite movie theater. That's a really weird incentive to keep crying. Relationships are stupid. You're scared you're never gonna have a real one, and then when you do, you're scared it's gonna go away.
Chidi: Here's an idea. What if we don't worry about whatever comes next? There's a quote I like by Tolstoy: "There is only one time that is important: Now. It is the only time...
Both: "When we have any power."
Eleanor: I know that quote. An unverified Tyra Banks account posted that meme on Instagram.
Chidi: Well, now I hate it. [Eleanor laughs] There is another quote first spoken by a very wise, very attractive, occasionally very sweaty philosopher: "You gotta try." Now, she was talking about making the world a better place, but I think it applies to relationships too.

Eleanor: So, Chidi, do you remember that woman Simone from the party the other night?
Chidi: Simone... The Third Eye Blind superfan who walked around cutting off people's ponytails?
Eleanor: That's the one. Uh, I need your help, acclimating her to the neighborhood. I've tried, but since she thinks this whole thing is imaginary, and I'm an authority figure, I'm extra suspicious.
Chidi: Well, what makes you think I'd have any more luck?
Eleanor: Chidi, you and Simone... are soulmates.
Chidi: Soulmates? Like our souls are... are...
Eleanor: Mates, yes. Everyone has people that they're cosmically bound to, and the system brings them together in the afterlife. And I can say, with complete certainty, that you and Simone are two such people. [Chidi chuckles] I haven't told her yet. I wouldn't have told you, ordinarily, but since she's gone a little cuckoo bananas... That's the official architect term. Uh, I thought it was prudent to let you know.
Chidi: Whoo, boy, uh... [chuckles] I'm getting a stomachache. But a good one! A happy stomachache! This is new. There are some great writings on simulated realities that might help her adjust. Descartes, Moravec, Zhuang Zhou... I wonder if I can summon a book from my apartment.
Eleanor: Well, good luck.
Chidi: This is incredible. I spent my whole life in pursuit of fundamental truths about the universe, but I never actually fell in love with someone.
Eleanor: I know.
Chidi: Oh, right. Of course. You know everything about me.
Eleanor: I do indeed.