Adam: You may be seated.
Adam: [on tape] The year is 2033, crime is at an all time high and volcanoes are everywhere!
Beverly: What is this? We agreed you were only gonna film the stop signs.
Adam: Trust me. You need to hook in the audience with a story.
Pops: [on tape] The President's plane has crash-landed in Jenkintown. That's the forbidden sector. Only you can help us! Is that right, what I'm saying?
Adam: [on tape] Even though I only have one eye, I'll do it. I'll save the President. It's go time. Nothing will stop me! [tires screech, metal crunches]
Pops: [on tape] The President blew up before Snake could get to him. The mission has failed. I'm re- I'm really not following the story.
Adam: [on tape] We need a stop sign.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] I just couldn't stop wondering why Crosby and Ball didn't seem to care that our team was so epically bad. And then it hit me.
Adam: [grunts] The ball just punched me.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] They wanted us to lose, like in Major League.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Even though Earl Ball wanted us to lose, I'd use my favorite sports movie to help us win.
Adam: Okay, our Major League journey from underdog scrubs to skilled champions begins with one thing. Meet Jobu, the idol that Pedro Cerrano prays to that helps you hit the curve ball.
Matt: Uh, bro? That doll seems a little super insensitive.
Adam: He's hilarious in the movie, but presenting it now just makes me feel kinda weird.
Matt: Yeah, I'd- I'd put it away.

Coach Nick: Hey! Don Juan! We're in the middle of class!
Woman: Cupid-Gram for Adam Goldberg.
Adam: Jackie, this is too much.
Jackie: Those aren't from me.
Adam: What? But then who-
Coach Nick: "To my little schmoopaloo"
Adam: Oh, balls! Stop!
Coach Nick: "I know you're all grown up, but you'll never be too old to be mama's number-one mushy-tushed Valentine baby."
Adam: But the next sentence says, "Just kidding, I'm your mom, and I have clear boundaries."

Adam: No! I'm taking Jackie to the drive-in.They're playing the movie "Twins."
Murray: You are not bailing on your mom to go see Arnold Schwarzenegger in a comedy. The Terminator can't be twins with little Louie from "Taxi." It makes no sense.
Adam: But they did it! He's the big, muscle-y twin, and Danny DeVito is the little, squishy one. It's funny, 'cause that's not how twins work!

Beverly: Well, I guess it's time to move on. Murray! It's you and me Friday night! We're getting Moroccan!
Murray: What? What have you done?
Adam: Have fun. You're gonna love sitting on the floor.
Murray: For the whole meal?! I can't even prop myself up against the wall?
Adam: Just you on the floor, sitting on a colorful, scratchy pillow.
Murray: I can't do this! My body will give out!
Adam: Hey, it's outta my hands.
Murray: But it's Valentine's Day! She's gonna want to talk about love and feelings. That's not my thing!
Adam: Bring me back a handful of that wet potato stuff, big guy. Beep, beep!

Beverly: Murray, you keep on surprising me. You got matchbooks from all our favorite restaurants and framed them in a piece of loving art?
Murray: Framed what, now?
Adam: Wow, Dad! I never knew you were capable of such an ambitious romantic gesture. In fact, it'd be wrong for me to steal your special dinner.
Beverly: He's right, Mur. We're back on!

Adam: Aww, Jackie, thanks again for this awesome V-Day gift.
Jackie: Anytime you miss me, all you gotta do is hit "Play."
Coach Nick: [on tape] Hey, Goldfarb! Since you don't listen to me in gym class, maybe you'll listen to your furry friend.
Adam: Balls! Giant Coach Mellor must've grabbed Teddy when I wasn't looking.
Coach Nick: This isn't the school from "Fame," so put down your lightsaber and focus on what's real important, sports! [Adam throws the Teddy bear into a bin]
Jackie: Good form.

Johnny Atkins: Dude! You're starting your own club based on the movie I introduced you to? This betrayal will not stand! My Highlander Club challenges yours to a battle!
Adam: We have no club! Mr. Crosby specifically said there can be only one!
Mr. Crosby: Actually, this challenge makes sense. Like the epic conflict between Connor MacLeod and the fearsome but misunderstood Kurgan, you must both fight for "the prize." You will fight only in the shadows, never in woodshop! Consider this holy ground because I don't want you touching my stuff. If a sword touches your neck or your lower head, you are out. The last one standing earns the right to lead his own Highlander Club.
Adam: Or, maybe there can be two?
Mr. Crosby: Nope, there can be only one! Highlander Club.

Adam: No! My groggy sister may have no purpose or prospects, but she's right. We have to fight back 'cause we have something that Johnny Atkins and his crew don't have.
Dave Kim: All their baby teeth?
Adam: No.
Dave Sirota: A crush on their cousin?
Adam: No!
Dave Kim: Their very own fern?
Adam: No!
Beverly: A mama who will fix it?
Adam: No! We are all skilled with the blade. I myself have a lifetime of training with a lightsaber.
Beverly: You also have a mama who will fix it.