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48Quotes from ‘My Valentine Boy’

The Goldbergs: My Valentine Boy

615. My Valentine Boy

Aired February 13, 2019

Ahead of Valentine's Day, Murray and Adam go head-to-head in trying to pawn off Beverly on the other. Meanwhile, Geoff helps Erica find a replacement for Lainey in the Dropouts.

Quote from Pops

Murray: Damn it, Al! You filmed it backwards!
Pops: I pushed the button like Adam does.
Murray: It was off when it was supposed to be on!
Pops: Why would a red light mean "On"? Red is the international signal for "Stop"!
Murray: That's with cars, not with cameras!
Pops: Oh, now you're a camera expert!

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Quote from Naked Rob

Barry: Luckily, I'm here to shepherd Geoff into the world of anger and unreasonable passion. First, we role-play. Andy, you'll be Erica.
Andy: Okay.
Naked Rob: Um, actually, I'd like to play Erica. I'm more than just a guy who likes to be naked. I have range, you know?

Quote from Matt

Matt: I'd like to also throw my hat in the ring for the role of Erica. I mean, feel how soft my hands are.
Barry: Fine! You can all be Erica.

Quote from Adam

Beverly: Murray, you keep on surprising me. You got matchbooks from all our favorite restaurants and framed them in a piece of loving art?
Murray: Framed what, now?
Adam: Wow, Dad! I never knew you were capable of such an ambitious romantic gesture. In fact, it'd be wrong for me to steal your special dinner.
Beverly: He's right, Mur. We're back on!

Quote from Murray

Beverly: Schmoopie, mother-son dance lessons?
Adam: Wait, what? Oh, wow.
Murray: Little Fred Astaire even rented a tuxedo for the occasion.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Moonlight trail rides? Murray, you didn't.
Murray: Seems like I did.
Adam: Got your cowboy boots from that trip to the dude ranch that you hated.
Beverly: This is the best day of my [bleep] life!

Quote from Murray

Murray: You think this is over? I got two words for you, whale watching.
Adam: I see your whale watching and raise you a hot-air balloon ride.
Murray: Tandem bike ride in Martha's Vineyard.
Adam: Apple picking and making a pie.
Murray: Antiquing in New England.
Adam: Couples massage!
Murray: Shakespeare in the park!
Adam: Swimming with dolphins!
Murray: Rowboating at dusk!
Adam: Pasta-making class!
Murray: Italian opera!
Beverly: Y'know, you two fighting over me has been so much fun, I've lost track of who I'm going to dinner with.
Adam: Still deciding.
Murray: We'll letcha know.

Quote from Erica

Erica: What the hell has gotten into you?!
Geoff: I don't know, but do you like it?
Erica: Not even a little bit.
Geoff: Good. I hate it, too! Barry got me all riled up and convinced me you were gonna leave me for Evan 'cause I'm nice.
Erica: I'm a college dropout with a band that rehearses in her parents' basement. The only consistently good thing in my life is you.
Geoff: Oh, thank God.
Erica: And you! [to Barry] Stop messing with Geoff's head. You know it's all oatmeal up there.
Geoff: Huh?

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Well, hello, Virginia Kremp.How's V-Day treating ya?
Virginia Kremp: Well, as we say in the flower game, business is blooming.
Beverly: Shh. I'm in mid-brag. As you know, my guys have showered me with expensive gifts and ticket experiences.
Virginia Kremp: She's here, Charles! Bring in the Valentine Explosion.
Beverly: It's so big and deserved! "Your devoted husband and keeper of your heart, Murray."
Virginia Kremp: Hmm, Murray. No, no, I think that's a mistake. Um, Adam actually came in and ordered that for you.
Beverly: Um... You're very wrong. Clearly, it's from my husband.
Mr. Kremp: No, I took the order. It was your son, the one who forces Chad to act in his weird videos.
Beverly: Then why does it say it's from my "devoted husband," Charles? Why does it say "Murray" if Adam bought the flowers, Charles? Why, Charles?
Virginia Kremp: One theory is that they are trying to dish you off on each other. The other theory is I should keep my big, fat mouth closed. Okay. I'm gonna go now. Bye.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: You don't need a tape. Just tell me everything now.
Murray: Right now? To your face?! I can't do that!
Beverly: Please?
Pops: Just tell her, Murray.
Murray: Fine! I love you! And I hate that I live in a constant panic, afraid to tell you that. And I hate that I can't express how much you mean to me!
Beverly: You just did, Mur.
Murray: I just said that I love you.
Beverly: I know.

Quote from Adam

Adam: Aww, Jackie, thanks again for this awesome V-Day gift.
Jackie: Anytime you miss me, all you gotta do is hit "Play."
Coach Nick: [on tape] Hey, Goldfarb! Since you don't listen to me in gym class, maybe you'll listen to your furry friend.
Adam: Balls! Giant Coach Mellor must've grabbed Teddy when I wasn't looking.
Coach Nick: This isn't the school from "Fame," so put down your lightsaber and focus on what's real important, sports! [Adam throws the Teddy bear into a bin]
Jackie: Good form.

Quote from Adam

Coach Nick: Hey! Don Juan! We're in the middle of class!
Woman: Cupid-Gram for Adam Goldberg.
Adam: Jackie, this is too much.
Jackie: Those aren't from me.
Adam: What? But then who-
Coach Nick: "To my little schmoopaloo"
Adam: Oh, balls! Stop!
Coach Nick: "I know you're all grown up, but you'll never be too old to be mama's number-one mushy-tushed Valentine baby."
Adam: But the next sentence says, "Just kidding, I'm your mom, and I have clear boundaries."

Quote from Erica

Geoff: Whoo! So awesome.
Erica: Geoff, please. We all know there's no band without Lainey.
Other Erica: Yeah. She was the one who taught me you can read music. And I was like, "No, Lainey, you hear music." And she was like, "No, you can read it, too." And I was like, "Whoa."

Quote from Pops

Pops: This is a fun, little ditty. It's 17 minutes long, and it tells the story of a boy who lost his rag. [strumming] Ohh!

Quote from Erica

Joey Wawa: All right, so, how does this work?
Erica: Wait, aren't you the guy that stands outside the Wawa and buys beer for high school kids?
Joey Wawa: Five for you, one for me.
Erica: No, I remember the rule.
Joey Wawa: I can play lead or rhythm, as long as there's a couch for me to crash on.
Erica: No offense, but you should probably leave.

Quote from Murray

Beverly: Damn it, Murray! I almost broke my neck on your pants!
Murray: What?! Everybody knows my pants go by the front door.

Quote from Murray

Beverly: What have we here?
Murray: Oh, stop. Don't look at that. It's not even Valentine's Day yet.
Beverly: I bet I know what it is... A fancy assortment of Jagielky's Candies!
Murray: You loved them for the last 18 years, so I thought I'd buy 'em again!
Beverly: "Dear Bevy, you're as sweet as candy." Murray!
Murray: I wrote it last year, so I knew you'd love it again!

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: [to Murray] See, this is what I love about Valentine's Day. I get candies and notes and dinner with my special guy. [to Adam] I made us reservations, pickle.
Adam: Wait, me?! I can't be your Valentine pickle this year.
Beverly: But I made us a reservation at the new Moroccan place. It's fun 'cause you get to eat with your hands. But it's also disgusting, so I will be sneaking some silverware in my purse. Fun!

Quote from Adam

Adam: No! I'm taking Jackie to the drive-in.They're playing the movie "Twins."
Murray: You are not bailing on your mom to go see Arnold Schwarzenegger in a comedy. The Terminator can't be twins with little Louie from "Taxi." It makes no sense.
Adam: But they did it! He's the big, muscle-y twin, and Danny DeVito is the little, squishy one. It's funny, 'cause that's not how twins work!

Quote from Barry

Geoff: Come on, man. Erica doesn't like guys like Evan. She's more into the supportive fella who claps from the sidelines.
Barry: They're sharing a single microphone, dude!
Geoff: So?
Barry: Sharing a mic is the musical equivalent of Frenching under a waterfall.

Quote from Barry

Geoff: Oh, God! What is this heat I feel rising in my throat?
Barry: That's called jealousy, my friend. Embrace it.
Geoff: My chest hurts, and so do my eyes.
Barry: Then it's time you learn. There's only one way to keep Erica, harness the thing women crave most. Irrational behavior.
Geoff: Dude, I'm spinning out, even though this all sounds so wrong!
Barry: Is it? How do you think I got a smoke-show like Lainey?
Geoff: No one knows.
Barry: It's 'cause I was loud, passionate, crazy possessive, and easily threatened.
Geoff: But you're not with Lainey anymore.
Barry: 'Cause the one time I was a supportive nice guy, like you, she ditched me for L.A.
Geoff: Dude, I never thought of it like that. You got to help me not wind up like you by acting exactly like you.
Barry: Let's go warm up by screaming at clouds that look like Evan.

Quote from Adam

Beverly: Well, I guess it's time to move on. Murray! It's you and me Friday night! We're getting Moroccan!
Murray: What? What have you done?
Adam: Have fun. You're gonna love sitting on the floor.
Murray: For the whole meal?! I can't even prop myself up against the wall?
Adam: Just you on the floor, sitting on a colorful, scratchy pillow.
Murray: I can't do this! My body will give out!
Adam: Hey, it's outta my hands.
Murray: But it's Valentine's Day! She's gonna want to talk about love and feelings. That's not my thing!
Adam: Bring me back a handful of that wet potato stuff, big guy. Beep, beep!

Quote from Murray

Beverly: There's my little love monkey.
Adam: Mom, we've discussed this. I'm insanely too old for tuckies.
Beverly: Oh, I'm not here for tuckies. I'm here to see the man who felt so bad about bailing on our Moroccan feast that he poured his heart out into a Valentine poem.
Adam: Valen-what-now?
Murray: The boy felt so guilty, he wrote you a poem? This, I got to hear.
Adam: Uh, hear what?
Beverly: "Her heart, more precious than all of Earth's jewels. Her love, deeper than the ocean's darkest canyons. Her embrace, a home I will live in forever. And I call this safe place Mama."
Adam: Whoa. Wow.
Beverly: I have to take you to a Valentine's dinner now, if it's okay with your father.
Murray: Oh-ho-ho, this is the kind of love I don't want to get in the way of.
Beverly: I love my Murray. Gnah!
Adam: Damn you and your shockingly beautiful prose!
Murray: When I get cornered, I come out fighting.

Quote from Matt

Barry: JTP, I've gathered you all here today to ensure young Geoffrey doesn't get ditched for a super-hot guitarist. They shared a microphone!
Naked Rob: Oh, that's bad.
Andy: So intimate!
Matt: It's like Frenching under a waterfall!

Quote from Geoff

Geoff: Yo, Dando.
Evan: Oh, what's up, Geoff?
Geoff: Oh, I'll tell you what's up. It just so happens that I don't like your stupid, handsome face or your super-talented guitar playing or your amazingly luscious hair!
Erica: What the hell is happening right now?
Barry: Geoff, a word. Love the energy, but your insults are coming off as compliments.
Geoff: Good note. Here I go again.


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