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43Quotes from ‘I Coulda Been a Lawyer’

The Goldbergs: I Coulda Been a Lawyer

613. I Coulda Been a Lawyer

Aired January 23, 2019

Beverly campaigns for another stop sign following a minor car accident, reigniting her claim that she could have been a lawyer. Meanwhile, Murray gets behind Barry when it's time to apply to colleges.

Quote from Beverly

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, my mom didn't go into an office but she did have an important job, getting the Goldbergs' day off and running, and it all started with a hearty breakfast.
Beverly: Ghostbusters cereal for my little Marshmallow Man.
Adam: [singing] Crunchin' makes me feel good!
Beverly: Triple protein, quadruple egg, and quintuple cheese omelet for my grizzly Barry.
Barry: My body will turn all of this into muscle immediately. Watch.
Beverly: Erica, Raisin Bran with a prune juice chaser. What's good for the heart is also good for the bottom.
Erica: Gah, Mom! But also, thank you.

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Quote from Beverly

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And when she sent us off, that's when my mom's work really began. Yes, I'm calling about my flight to Fort Lauderdale, which might as well have been to hell because that's what my back and upper groin have been in since we landed. What does "TWA" stand for, anyway? "The Worst Airline"? You know what, Wayne? Just connect me to your supervisor. I'm gonna need to speak to your supervisor, Lydia. You know what? I need to talk to your supervisor. Just connect me to your supervisor. Well, maybe your supervisor feels differently. Let me speak to someone higher. Well, maybe your supervisor can help me. You know what? I demand to speak to your supervisor. Oh, you're the CEO? Well, then, I'm gonna need two first-class tickets and a mess of those little pretzel bags.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: I've been saying it since the first time I ran that stop sign, that intersection is an accident waiting to happen, and it's high time Mama fixes the problem! You could've been seriously hurt!
Adam: How? I wasn't even there.
Beverly: But you could've been.
Adam: That's true.
Beverly: And, God forbid, you could've gone through the windshield like a delicious, little sack of potatoes, and, God forbid, a piece of glass could have lodged in your brain!
Adam: Oh, no!
Beverly: Thank God the shard got lodged in a place where you're fine, and they don't need to operate.
Adam: Thank God.
Beverly: But, God forbid, 20 years from now, you could sneeze, and boom! The shard shifts, and you're a veggie.
Adam: But I sneeze all the time!
Beverly: This is a parent's worst nightmare, and it's all because of a stupid stop sign!

Quote from Barry

Murray: Okay, that does not help. We really gotta wow 'em with your extra curriculars. All right, let me see your resume.
Barry: Boom!
Murray: All you wrote down was "left-handed" and that you're an Aries? That's not exactly "boom" material.
Barry: That's all I got. And technically, I'm a Pisces, but I don't want to be no stupid fish.

Quote from Murray

Barry: So you're telling me you're okay with shoulder padding my resume?
Murray: I would do anything to get you into college.
Barry: Come on.
Murray: I'm serious. This is legitimately the most important thing to me.
Barry: So you're telling me you would spend every cent you have if it would mean getting me into a good college.
Murray: Yes.
Barry: What if you had to wear pants at all times?
Murray: Yes.
Barry: What if the Eagles never, ever won again?
Murray: Yes.
Barry: What if the only way was for Tom Selleck to shave his mustache?
Murray: [shouting] Too far! You hear me? You leave Selleck's mustache out of this!

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Hello, Mr. Schnitz. I'm not sure you remember me.
Mr. Schnitz: Oh, I remember you. You're the lady that comes in here demanding I help you because I'm city comptroller.
Beverly: Exactly. And things have gotten out of comptrol.
Mr. Schnitz: Again, I think you gravely misunderstand the reach the comptroller has.
Beverly: Well, if you can't comptrol this city, then who can?
Mr. Schnitz: You realize I am just an accountant?
Beverly: And I am holding you accountable.

Quote from Beverly

Mr. Schnitz: Just tell me what you want.
Beverly: I'd like you to take comptrol of a traffic situation heretofore known as Goldberg v. Jenkintown.
Mr. Schnitz: Ma'am, this is just an office above a tuxedo shop, not a court of law where I can make any real-
Beverly: Exhibit A.
Mr. Schnitz: Okay, sure.
Beverly: This is the intersection in question. Note that there are only two stop signs, but by the time I rest my case, there will be four. Exhibit B.
Mr. Schnitz: Exactly how many exhibits are there?
Beverly: Behold, a scale model of our neighborhood. And please note Exhibit C. These are shards of windshield that almost had to be removed from my son's brain.
Mr. Schnitz: Oh, my God, that is horrib-
Beverly: We decided not to operate because he wasn't actually in the car.
Mr. Schnitz: What?
Beverly: Don't worry, he's fine and super talented, which is why I tasked him with Exhibit D. All rise.
Mr. Schnitz: I really don't want to.
Beverly: Overruled!
Mr. Schnitz: Again, this is not a court You know what? Fine. Motion to get this over with, then.

Quote from Barry

Mike: Wow, there's so much here. Uh, you're an "unpaid assistant to a primate physician." W well, I love monkeys, so what's it like to work with them?
Barry: It's good. [nods]
Mike: Care to elaborate?
Barry: Uh, they love throwing barrels and stuff.
Mike: Barrels?
Barry: Yeah, it's annoying, 'cause you just got to save your girlfriend and then jump over rolling barrels, but luckily, they break apart when you whack 'em with a mallet.
Mike: We're talking about Donkey Kong, aren't we?
Barry: Yes! I'm sorry. It's a lie, all of it! I I don't deserve to be in Tufts.

Quote from Beverly

Murray: Bevy, which shirt do I like?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] My mom was also our in-house stylist.
Beverly: Left hand.
Murray: And which pants do I like?
Beverly: The ones you're wearing.
Murray: That's why I put 'em on! I know what looks good.
Beverly: You really do. Now go change your socks. They're two different colors.
Murray: Oh, yeah. I'll be right back.

Quote from Beverly

Adult Adam: [v.o.] She was also our pharmacist.
Beverly: Blood pressure, cholesterol, heartburn, and dewormer.
Pops: Dewormer? What aren't you telling me?
Beverly: Not for you, Dad, for Lucky. Who's my little dumper?

Quote from Geoff

Naked Rob: Well, we've really been beefing up our extra curriculars.
Geoff: Naked Rob is an Eagle Scout.
Naked Rob: It's the highest level of Boy Scout and the lowest level of cop.
Geoff: Andy's a youth basketball coach.
Andy: Which is cool 'cause I'm taller than all of 'em.
Geoff: And Matt Bradley's in the Big Brother program.
Matt: Jeremiah really stole my heart. And I think also my car keys.
Geoff: And I'm the treasurer for the Model UN. It's really stressful, so all my armpit hair fell out, but it'll all be worth it if it impresses Dartmouth.

Quote from Murray

Barry: Apparently, I got so swept up in not getting married to Lainey, I forgot about the whole "getting into college" thing!
Murray: Did you say "college"? I heard "college." Don't screw this up, moron.
Pops: Where did he come from?
Barry: Dad, you gotta back off. I don't even know where I want to go to school!
Murray: That's where I can help. Okay, I need you to focus up here, 'cause picking a school is not something you just rush into.
Barry: Done. I'm going to Tufts.
Murray: Moron! You don't just open up a book and pick out some random school and say, "That's the one."
Barry: But it just makes sense.
Murray: Why?
Barry: 'Cause its name is Tufts, and I'm basically the toughest man in the world.
Murray: Tufts, fine, done.
Barry: Really?
Murray: Hey, even if you got there the dumbest way possible, Tufts is still a great school, so I'm good.
Barry: So did we just decide where I'm applying to college?
Murray: My son's going to Tufts! Hoo-hoo!

Quote from Erica

Erica: What's going on?
Beverly: We're making the very gut-wrenching decision about whether or not Adam should have surgery to remove the glass in his brain from a car accident.
Erica: Oh, my God! What do we do?
Beverly: Oh, I'm sorry. Let me clarify. Adam's fine. We need another stop sign at the end of the block.
Erica: What? Are you kidding me? I almost gave Adam a hug.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: I know, baby. We're all scared, but Mama will fix this. I'm gonna take this case to City Hall. I don't know if you know this, but I could have been a lawyer.
Erica: I think you've said it once or twice before.
Beverly: ["I coulda been a lawyer" montage] I guess that rings a bell.
Erica: It should, 'cause that bell rings constantly.
Beverly: Well, as the lawyer I could've been, I'm going to collect evidence to support my case.

Quote from Barry

Murray: Okay, let's go over what you need to get into Tufts.
Barry: Besides just being super tough?
Murray: Uh-huh. All right, first, your grades. Oh, okay, you squeaked out a B-minus in English. Wow! Straight A's in math and science.
Barry: All that math stuff just clicks, but English not good much.

Quote from Barry

Murray: Well, it looks like I'm gonna have to help you with your essay.
Barry: Or we freestyle my essay. Check it out. [rapping] Yo, Tufts I got the right stuffs Yo, Tufts I got the right stuffs Yo, Tufts I got the right stuffs-
Murray: You're just repeating the same thing over and over.
Barry: I got stuck in a rap loop. I'm sorry!

Quote from Barry

Murray: Damn it! All you had to do was play an instrument or volunteer somewhere, and you did nothing!
Barry: I know! I'm not Tufts enough.
Murray: Relax, moron. We'll just give your resume a little padding.
Barry: You mean lie?
Murray: Think of it like your mother's shoulder pads. She wears them even though she still has shoulders, right?
Barry: I bet she does.

Quote from Adam

Adam: You may be seated.
Adam: [on tape] The year is 2033, crime is at an all time high and volcanoes are everywhere!
Beverly: What is this? We agreed you were only gonna film the stop signs.
Adam: Trust me. You need to hook in the audience with a story.
Pops: [on tape] The President's plane has crash-landed in Jenkintown. That's the forbidden sector. Only you can help us! Is that right, what I'm saying?
Adam: [on tape] Even though I only have one eye, I'll do it. I'll save the President. It's go time. Nothing will stop me! [tires screech, metal crunches]
Pops: [on tape] The President blew up before Snake could get to him. The mission has failed. I'm re- I'm really not following the story.
Adam: [on tape] We need a stop sign.

Quote from Beverly

Mr. Schnitz: Okay. Well, I did not understand any of that, but I really would like you not to be here, so I'm gonna give you that stop sign.
Beverly: So I won the case?
Mr. Schnitz: You took comptrol of the courtroom. Which is my office, so, yeah, sure.
Beverly: Great! So just, uh, bang the gavel and make it official.
Mr. Schnitz: Well, I don't have a ga- You know what? Let me just do this Fanta can.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Oh, thank you, Boopie, and you know what? I've made a decision. I am going to realize my potential as a potential lawyer.
Erica: Oh, my God, are you serious?
Beverly: You're damn right I am! Beverly Goldberg's gonna be a [bleep] lawyer!

Quote from Barry

Murray: The trick is to take a nugget of truth, and you spin it a little. You do play a lot of sports, right?
Barry: Hockey, wrestling, football.
Murray: Moron, if you played a bunch of sports, why aren't any of them on your college resume?
Barry: A variety of reasons, but mostly 'cause of unsuccessful tryouts.
Murray: So you played all three for a little bit, so you're at least a three-letter varsity player, and an MVP.
Barry: I never won MVP.
Murray: You never won Most Valuable Player, but "MVP" could stand for anything.
Barry: Like Magic Velvet Pants?
Murray: Who wins Magic Velvet Pants?
Barry: I don't know. A genie? Should we put down that I'm a genie, too?

Quote from Murray

Murray: Let's move on. So we covered sports. What about community service?
Barry: I guess I am in the community when I'm walking around the community.
Murray: Wow, sounds like you're the head of a neighborhood watch.
Barry: And I do shout at dogs sometimes.
Murray: Seems to me that you train service animals.
Barry: I think I'm getting the hang of this, like that one time I played checkers with Pops. I was basically volunteering with sad, old veterans.
Murray: Perfect, throw more at me!

Quote from Murray

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And with that, my dad spun all of my brother's antics into resume gold. His bad BMX-ing became-
Murray: School cycling team.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Goofing off in the gymnasium became-
Murray: Gymnast!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Trying to eat an apple in one bite became-
Murray: Head of the Isaac Newton Society.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Doing whatever this is became-
Murray: Gravity experiments elective.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Just walking became-
Murray: Hall monitor!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] His lifelong obsession with Donkey Kong became-
Murray: Unpaid assistant to a primate physician.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And dressing as a pirate became-
Murray: Pirate!

Quote from Geoff

Barry: Read it and weep, suckers.
Naked Rob: What's this?
Barry: Oh. Just the best college resume ever assembled.
Matt: Three-letter varsity athlete? Captain of the diving team? Geology club? Dude, you didn't do any of these things.
Geoff: It says you're the treasurer of the Model UN?
Barry: I once gave that foreign kid who smells like beets a quarter to buy a donut, so that pretty much makes me official treasurer of the Model UN.
Geoff: Except you're not 'cause I am! In the name of Luxembourg, I declare war on your lies! We don't have a real army, so it's more of a symbolic gesture.

Quote from Beverly

Erica: There she is, ready to fold my intimates. Put down the basket. We need to talk.
Beverly: Erica, it's fine. I don't need to be a real lawyer.
Erica: Okay, forget law, but there's so many other things that you're good at, so let's pick one of those and make it your thing.
Beverly: Okay, like what?
Erica: I'm glad you asked, because I made this. A list of potential dream jobs tailored to your very talents. For instance, diplomat.
Beverly: Well, I do have a way of helping people to get what I want them to think they want.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Here he is, the future of Tufts!
Mike: Murray, you may be right, if this resume is to be believed.
Murray: And it is! I'm gonna get you guys some cookies.
Mike: Hydrox, if you got 'em! Hydrox is the Oreo of our people.


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