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I Coulda Been a Lawyer

‘I Coulda Been a Lawyer’

Season 6, Episode 13 -  Aired January 23, 2019

Beverly campaigns for another stop sign following a minor car accident, reigniting her claim that she could have been a lawyer. Meanwhile, Murray gets behind Barry when it's time to apply to colleges.

Quote from Beverly

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, my mom didn't go into an office but she did have an important job, getting the Goldbergs' day off and running, and it all started with a hearty breakfast.
Beverly: Ghostbusters cereal for my little Marshmallow Man.
Adam: [singing] Crunchin' makes me feel good!
Beverly: Triple protein, quadruple egg, and quintuple cheese omelet for my grizzly Barry.
Barry: My body will turn all of this into muscle immediately. Watch.
Beverly: Erica, Raisin Bran with a prune juice chaser. What's good for the heart is also good for the bottom.
Erica: Gah, Mom! But also, thank you.

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Quote from Beverly

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And when she sent us off, that's when my mom's work really began. Yes, I'm calling about my flight to Fort Lauderdale, which might as well have been to hell because that's what my back and upper groin have been in since we landed. What does "TWA" stand for, anyway? "The Worst Airline"? You know what, Wayne? Just connect me to your supervisor. I'm gonna need to speak to your supervisor, Lydia. You know what? I need to talk to your supervisor. Just connect me to your supervisor. Well, maybe your supervisor feels differently. Let me speak to someone higher. Well, maybe your supervisor can help me. You know what? I demand to speak to your supervisor. Oh, you're the CEO? Well, then, I'm gonna need two first-class tickets and a mess of those little pretzel bags.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: I've been saying it since the first time I ran that stop sign, that intersection is an accident waiting to happen, and it's high time Mama fixes the problem! You could've been seriously hurt!
Adam: How? I wasn't even there.
Beverly: But you could've been.
Adam: That's true.
Beverly: And, God forbid, you could've gone through the windshield like a delicious, little sack of potatoes, and, God forbid, a piece of glass could have lodged in your brain!
Adam: Oh, no!
Beverly: Thank God the shard got lodged in a place where you're fine, and they don't need to operate.
Adam: Thank God.
Beverly: But, God forbid, 20 years from now, you could sneeze, and boom! The shard shifts, and you're a veggie.
Adam: But I sneeze all the time!
Beverly: This is a parent's worst nightmare, and it's all because of a stupid stop sign!

Quote from Barry

Murray: Okay, that does not help. We really gotta wow 'em with your extra curriculars. All right, let me see your resume.
Barry: Boom!
Murray: All you wrote down was "left-handed" and that you're an Aries? That's not exactly "boom" material.
Barry: That's all I got. And technically, I'm a Pisces, but I don't want to be no stupid fish.

Quote from Murray

Barry: So you're telling me you're okay with shoulder padding my resume?
Murray: I would do anything to get you into college.
Barry: Come on.
Murray: I'm serious. This is legitimately the most important thing to me.
Barry: So you're telling me you would spend every cent you have if it would mean getting me into a good college.
Murray: Yes.
Barry: What if you had to wear pants at all times?
Murray: Yes.
Barry: What if the Eagles never, ever won again?
Murray: Yes.
Barry: What if the only way was for Tom Selleck to shave his mustache?
Murray: [shouting] Too far! You hear me? You leave Selleck's mustache out of this!

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Hello, Mr. Schnitz. I'm not sure you remember me.
Mr. Schnitz: Oh, I remember you. You're the lady that comes in here demanding I help you because I'm city comptroller.
Beverly: Exactly. And things have gotten out of comptrol.
Mr. Schnitz: Again, I think you gravely misunderstand the reach the comptroller has.
Beverly: Well, if you can't comptrol this city, then who can?
Mr. Schnitz: You realize I am just an accountant?
Beverly: And I am holding you accountable.

Quote from Beverly

Mr. Schnitz: Just tell me what you want.
Beverly: I'd like you to take comptrol of a traffic situation heretofore known as Goldberg v. Jenkintown.
Mr. Schnitz: Ma'am, this is just an office above a tuxedo shop, not a court of law where I can make any real-
Beverly: Exhibit A.
Mr. Schnitz: Okay, sure.
Beverly: This is the intersection in question. Note that there are only two stop signs, but by the time I rest my case, there will be four. Exhibit B.
Mr. Schnitz: Exactly how many exhibits are there?
Beverly: Behold, a scale model of our neighborhood. And please note Exhibit C. These are shards of windshield that almost had to be removed from my son's brain.
Mr. Schnitz: Oh, my God, that is horrib-
Beverly: We decided not to operate because he wasn't actually in the car.
Mr. Schnitz: What?
Beverly: Don't worry, he's fine and super talented, which is why I tasked him with Exhibit D. All rise.
Mr. Schnitz: I really don't want to.
Beverly: Overruled!
Mr. Schnitz: Again, this is not a court You know what? Fine. Motion to get this over with, then.

Quote from Barry

Mike: Wow, there's so much here. Uh, you're an "unpaid assistant to a primate physician." W well, I love monkeys, so what's it like to work with them?
Barry: It's good. [nods]
Mike: Care to elaborate?
Barry: Uh, they love throwing barrels and stuff.
Mike: Barrels?
Barry: Yeah, it's annoying, 'cause you just got to save your girlfriend and then jump over rolling barrels, but luckily, they break apart when you whack 'em with a mallet.
Mike: We're talking about Donkey Kong, aren't we?
Barry: Yes! I'm sorry. It's a lie, all of it! I I don't deserve to be in Tufts.

Quote from Beverly

Murray: Bevy, which shirt do I like?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] My mom was also our in-house stylist.
Beverly: Left hand.
Murray: And which pants do I like?
Beverly: The ones you're wearing.
Murray: That's why I put 'em on! I know what looks good.
Beverly: You really do. Now go change your socks. They're two different colors.
Murray: Oh, yeah. I'll be right back.

Quote from Beverly

Adult Adam: [v.o.] She was also our pharmacist.
Beverly: Blood pressure, cholesterol, heartburn, and dewormer.
Pops: Dewormer? What aren't you telling me?
Beverly: Not for you, Dad, for Lucky. Who's my little dumper?

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