Erica: Okay, let's just take a deep breath of the fresh mountain air and think. I lied my way into this mess. I can lie my way out of it.
[cut to:]
Erica: And just as the scholastic gala was ending, Geoff and I walked outside and found a sack of abandoned puppies. Naturally, we raced the car to the animal hospital, but there was a drawbridge being raised and we tried to jump it for the puppies because we're good people, but the car didn't make it. Luckily, we're fine and so were the two dozen puppies that have now all found homes.

Beverly: Drawbridges are death ramps. My nail girl's brother tried to jump a drawbridge. They found his head and torso on a fishing trawler. He's in culinary school now, but every day is a struggle. Thank God the two of you were not hurt.

Erica: Move, dumbass. We can't see.
Barry: I know. I was once like you. But thanks to major advances in contact-lens technology, I now have the vision of an eagle holding a telescope. Now that I have better-than-perfect vision, a whole new world of careers has opened up for me. Be hold. I can now be a fighter pilot, umpire, professional Where's Waldo-finder, Avid reader, guy who writes things on rice, long-distance peeping tom, and Olympic athlete.
Erica: It's a tad late to start training for the Olympics.
Barry: Not with these laser-focused baby browns. Oh, God, my contact lens popped out. Help. Help me.
Erica: Mark my words, if Barry somehow makes it in, it will be the most memorable thing to ever happen at the Olympics.

Adam: They actually make sports tolerable with their on-field shenanigans.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And Barry loved the unhinged, badass pitcher, "Wild Thing."
Barry: Dude, Wild Thing can't control his rage or his fastball. That's just like me.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was January 30, 1980-something, a landmark day for Gerica.
Geoff: Happy Kissa-versary. Here are some tulips to celebrate the day these two lips first kissed those two lips.
Erica: Ew. But also aww.
Geoff: And wait, there's more. I also booked us a romantic getaway to the Poconos.
Erica: Poconos? That's our most scenic and budget-friendly mountain range.
Geoff: You know it.

Geoff: Get packing, lady.
Erica: This is amazing. The two of us, alone. How did you convince your dad to say yes?
Geoff: Oh, it was easy. Uh, mostly because I haven't done it yet. But I have a foolproof plan. I'm going to lie to him.
Erica: Well, this was a fun ride. I'll just rent us a movie.
Geoff: Oh, come on. What, are you implying I can't lie? I can lie. I lie all the time.
Erica: You really don't. And when you do, you bail immediately and then overcompensate by revealing a deeply personal secret that nobody wants to know.
Geoff: Surely you're thinking of some other unskilled liar.

Erica: Hey, Mom, Geoff has some thoughts on your new Jazzercise ensemble that he wants to share with you.
Beverly: Ah, don't you just love it, Geoffrey? The Lycra is form-fitting, but it still gives me the freedom to explore all my moves.
Geoff: Uh, well, I suppose I enjoy the bold colors and the sleeve length and- Oh, my God. Also, one time at summer camp, I took a puff of a cigar and then it made me really nauseous and I threw up in a lake.
Erica: And there it is.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] I just couldn't stop wondering why Crosby and Ball didn't seem to care that our team was so epically bad. And then it hit me.
Adam: [grunts] The ball just punched me.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] They wanted us to lose, like in Major League.

Geoff: It's a lie. We were in the Poconos on a secret getaway. We parked your station wagon on the hill without the parking brake, and also I copied part of my Bar Mitzvah speech from a Winston Churchill biography.
Lou Schwartz: So you lied right to my face, Geoffy?
Erica: Wait, no. It- It's not Geoff's fault. It's all mine, and I'm so sorry.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And then my sister braced herself for a nuclear Murray meltdown.
Murray: [laughs maniacally] You sent my car off a cliff! [laughing]
Erica: Wow, he's taking this really well. I figured that he would be screaming his head off.
Murray: [laughing] Off a cliff! Who does that?
Beverly: Oh, no. Your father has reached a stage beyond anger.
Murray: All my family does is wreck my car! Third time this year! [laughing]
Beverly: Oh, this is not good.
Murray: [breathlessly] The Poconos. You could've been killed.
Erica: To be honest, I'm digging this way more than the screaming and the "moron" calling.
Murray: [laughing] My insurance is gonna go through the roof!
Beverly: Okay, I got to get him inside and try to calm him down with warm milk and Steak-umms. I don't know if it'll work, but I'm a desperate woman.

Adam: Gentlemen, Principal Ball and Mr. Crosby are Major Leagueing this team.
Dave Kim: What?
Barry: Just one glaring problem with your theory. If he wanted us to lose, they'd never let me pitch.
Adam: Barry, he let you pitch because of how bad you are.
Barry: Adam. A word? Just between us, the last thing I would want is for me to seem weak in front of the team, but what you just said about my pitching hurt me to the core.
Andy: Uh, bro? We can hear everything you're saying. You're, like, not that far away. [Barry pushes Adam away a few steps]
Adam: I'm sorry. I just thought it was important you all know the truth.
Barry: But I don't suck. I'm literally gonna cry right now.
Matt: Guys, it's not so much a distance thing as a volume thing, 'cause we're getting every word.