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37Quotes from ‘Major League'd’

The Goldbergs: Major League'd

614. Major League'd

Aired January 30, 2019

Adam and his friends wonder what's going on when they make the school baseball team. Meanwhile, Geoff's father forbids him from dating Erica after he lies about a romantic getaway.

Quote from Erica

Erica: Okay, let's just take a deep breath of the fresh mountain air and think. I lied my way into this mess. I can lie my way out of it.
[cut to:]
Erica: And just as the scholastic gala was ending, Geoff and I walked outside and found a sack of abandoned puppies. Naturally, we raced the car to the animal hospital, but there was a drawbridge being raised and we tried to jump it for the puppies because we're good people, but the car didn't make it. Luckily, we're fine and so were the two dozen puppies that have now all found homes.

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Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Drawbridges are death ramps. My nail girl's brother tried to jump a drawbridge. They found his head and torso on a fishing trawler. He's in culinary school now, but every day is a struggle. Thank God the two of you were not hurt.

Quote from Barry

Erica: Move, dumbass. We can't see.
Barry: I know. I was once like you. But thanks to major advances in contact-lens technology, I now have the vision of an eagle holding a telescope. Now that I have better-than-perfect vision, a whole new world of careers has opened up for me. Be hold. I can now be a fighter pilot, umpire, professional Where's Waldo-finder, Avid reader, guy who writes things on rice, long-distance peeping tom, and Olympic athlete.
Erica: It's a tad late to start training for the Olympics.
Barry: Not with these laser-focused baby browns. Oh, God, my contact lens popped out. Help. Help me.
Erica: Mark my words, if Barry somehow makes it in, it will be the most memorable thing to ever happen at the Olympics.

Quote from Barry

Adam: They actually make sports tolerable with their on-field shenanigans.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And Barry loved the unhinged, badass pitcher, "Wild Thing."
Barry: Dude, Wild Thing can't control his rage or his fastball. That's just like me.

Quote from Geoff

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was January 30, 1980-something, a landmark day for Gerica.
Geoff: Happy Kissa-versary. Here are some tulips to celebrate the day these two lips first kissed those two lips.
Erica: Ew. But also aww.
Geoff: And wait, there's more. I also booked us a romantic getaway to the Poconos.
Erica: Poconos? That's our most scenic and budget-friendly mountain range.
Geoff: You know it.

Quote from Geoff

Geoff: Get packing, lady.
Erica: This is amazing. The two of us, alone. How did you convince your dad to say yes?
Geoff: Oh, it was easy. Uh, mostly because I haven't done it yet. But I have a foolproof plan. I'm going to lie to him.
Erica: Well, this was a fun ride. I'll just rent us a movie.
Geoff: Oh, come on. What, are you implying I can't lie? I can lie. I lie all the time.
Erica: You really don't. And when you do, you bail immediately and then overcompensate by revealing a deeply personal secret that nobody wants to know.
Geoff: Surely you're thinking of some other unskilled liar.

Quote from Geoff

Erica: Hey, Mom, Geoff has some thoughts on your new Jazzercise ensemble that he wants to share with you.
Beverly: Ah, don't you just love it, Geoffrey? The Lycra is form-fitting, but it still gives me the freedom to explore all my moves.
Geoff: Uh, well, I suppose I enjoy the bold colors and the sleeve length and- Oh, my God. Also, one time at summer camp, I took a puff of a cigar and then it made me really nauseous and I threw up in a lake.
Erica: And there it is.

Quote from Adam

Adult Adam: [v.o.] I just couldn't stop wondering why Crosby and Ball didn't seem to care that our team was so epically bad. And then it hit me.
Adam: [grunts] The ball just punched me.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] They wanted us to lose, like in Major League.

Quote from Geoff

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yep, this is 100% true. My oldest sibling snuck off on a romantic getaway and actually did this to my dad's car.
Erica: Oh, God!
Geoff: What are we gonna do? Cars don't just fall off cliffs at scholastic award shows!
Erica: Forget the awards! My dad's car just rolled off a cliff!
Geoff: Oh, my dad's gonna kill me! Please make sure some nice lady gets my eyes! Promise me!

Quote from Murray

Geoff: It's a lie. We were in the Poconos on a secret getaway. We parked your station wagon on the hill without the parking brake, and also I copied part of my Bar Mitzvah speech from a Winston Churchill biography.
Lou Schwartz: So you lied right to my face, Geoffy?
Erica: Wait, no. It- It's not Geoff's fault. It's all mine, and I'm so sorry.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And then my sister braced herself for a nuclear Murray meltdown.
Murray: [laughs maniacally] You sent my car off a cliff! [laughing]
Erica: Wow, he's taking this really well. I figured that he would be screaming his head off.
Murray: [laughing] Off a cliff! Who does that?
Beverly: Oh, no. Your father has reached a stage beyond anger.
Murray: All my family does is wreck my car! Third time this year! [laughing]
Beverly: Oh, this is not good.
Murray: [breathlessly] The Poconos. You could've been killed.
Erica: To be honest, I'm digging this way more than the screaming and the "moron" calling.
Murray: [laughing] My insurance is gonna go through the roof!
Beverly: Okay, I got to get him inside and try to calm him down with warm milk and Steak-umms. I don't know if it'll work, but I'm a desperate woman.

Quote from Barry

Adam: Gentlemen, Principal Ball and Mr. Crosby are Major Leagueing this team.
Dave Kim: What?
Barry: Just one glaring problem with your theory. If he wanted us to lose, they'd never let me pitch.
Adam: Barry, he let you pitch because of how bad you are.
Barry: Adam. A word? Just between us, the last thing I would want is for me to seem weak in front of the team, but what you just said about my pitching hurt me to the core.
Andy: Uh, bro? We can hear everything you're saying. You're, like, not that far away. [Barry pushes Adam away a few steps]
Adam: I'm sorry. I just thought it was important you all know the truth.
Barry: But I don't suck. I'm literally gonna cry right now.
Matt: Guys, it's not so much a distance thing as a volume thing, 'cause we're getting every word.

Quote from Adam

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Even though Earl Ball wanted us to lose, I'd use my favorite sports movie to help us win.
Adam: Okay, our Major League journey from underdog scrubs to skilled champions begins with one thing. Meet Jobu, the idol that Pedro Cerrano prays to that helps you hit the curve ball.
Matt: Uh, bro? That doll seems a little super insensitive.
Adam: He's hilarious in the movie, but presenting it now just makes me feel kinda weird.
Matt: Yeah, I'd- I'd put it away.

Quote from Andy

Jesse Wudders: Okay, we're gonna lose.
Adam: Not if we have a sexy incentive for us to win.
Andy: Aw, yeah, like in the movie. Whenever the Indians would win, they would remove a sliver of clothing from a cardboard cutout of the team's super hot yet evil owner.
Adam: Which is why I made a cardboard cutout of our nemesis, school principal and avid swimmer, Earl Ball. [all groan] Relax. We're only gonna take a piece off when we don't win.
Naked Rob: This team shall never lose again.
Matt: We can't let it happen, guys.
Andy: For sure! But also, where did you get that picture?

Quote from Barry

Adam: Finally, we have to band together and address each of our weaknesses. Like in the movie when the team had to convince Wild Thing to wear glasses.
Barry: Bro, I think someone would know if they needed glasses.
Matt: Not to be this guy, but we're all painfully aware that you're super nearsighted but refuse to acknowledge it.
Barry: I can see just fine. I'll prove it. I'll read your shirt. "Spice Inventors."
All: No.
Barry: "Spork Investors"?
All: No.
Barry: "Shark Incisors"?
All: No.
Barry: "Snake Inhalers." Yeah?
All: Nope.
Barry: "Spanish Inquisition"?
All: No, that's-
Barry: "Saint Ignatius"?
Naked Rob: What?
Matt: How have you made it this far?
Barry: "Spare Bedroom"?
Adam: No.
Barry: "Spanakopita"?
Dave Kim: Here. I'm nearsighted, too.
Barry: Oh, it's "Space Invaders." That makes sense.
Naked Rob: So you're finally admitting to yourself that you need glasses?
Barry: I've always known! I can't believe you all knew and never cared enough to tell me. [crushes Dave Kim's glasses]
Dave Kim: Why?
Barry: I'll get us each a new pair.

Quote from Erica

Erica: Thank you, Dr.Schwartz, for joining us today in your home. We've all heard some murmurs that I'm not good enough for Geoff.
Lou Schwartz: What's happening right now?
Erica: You may think you know the whole story of Geoff and Erica, but do you really know Geoff and Erica?
Lou Schwartz: Yes.
Erica: But I think once you see my presentation, you'll see that I'm the perfect girl for Geoff. [music plays] Long before I was a free spirit who treated life as one big party, I actually used to be a doofy bookworm who went to bed by 9:00, just like Geoff here.
Lou Schwartz: So you think my son is a doof?
Erica: Uh, Geoff, you wanna maybe jump in here and talk about our love?

Quote from Erica

Geoff: Erica's a great influence on me.
Lou Schwartz: Are you drinking a beer?
Geoff: Moving on. Look. Last week, she took me mini golfing for half-price Tuesdays.
Lou Schwartz: But Tuesday's a school day.
Geoff: Moving on. See, Erica's really thoughtful, Dad. She threw me a surprise party, and it was the best night of my life.
Lou Schwartz: Is that my living room? Did you throw a party when I was in Miami?
Geoff: Erica, please take over again.
Lou Schwartz: No! I've had enough. This just confirms what I already knew. You may love my son, but it doesn't mean you're good for him.
Erica: I'm [bleep].

Quote from Barry

Adam: This is bad. Ball knows we know he's Major Leagueingus and that we're Major Leagueing him back.
Barry: I'm confused, but ready to act with anger.

Quote from Geoff

Erica: Gah! Geoff, what are you doing?
Geoff: I'll stop at nothing to see you!
Erica: That's sweet, but you could've just used the front door. It's your dad who doesn't want us together.
Geoff: Oh, God, I'm so upset I'm not thinking straight.

Quote from Murray

Erica: Relax. You're forgetting that I have parents, too. And once Beverly Goldberg hears that your dad called her baby girl a bad influence, she'll unleash such unbridled fury that your dad will wish he was in that car.
[cut to:]
Beverly: Yeah, not my place.
Erica: Not your place? Everywhere's your place! You have no boundaries!
Beverly: Schmoo, how do I put this delicately?
Murray: We agree with Lou. You're a horrible influence on the boy.
Erica: What? You're supposed to be on my side.
Beverly: Oh, how do I put this delicately?
Murray: Geoff is a college-bound future doctor. You're a drop-out liar who can't even hold a job.
Erica: Would you just let her put it delicately one time?

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Look, Erica, we don't think you're not good enough for Geoff. It's just that, right now, it seems Geoff is too good for you.
Erica: Thank you, Mom. Wait. That's exactly the same thing. You just said it in a nicer tone.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Oh, I'm alive. And I'm sick of being a joke. I'm gonna get revenge for you, and every other four-eyed nerd out there.


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