Vivian: Now, stop it all of you. Now, I cannot wait for this baby to get here. And that's not just because I'm retaining more water than the Hoover Dam.

Geoffrey: What can I get for you, madam?
Vivian: Geoffrey, I've got a proposition for you.
Geoffrey: Oh, perhaps if we were both younger, and I didn't work for you.
Vivian: Not that kind of proposition, Geoffrey. I will give you $50 to drive me over a set of railroad tracks.

Vivian: Wait a minute, where's Helen?
Vy: Oh, well, she couldn't come. She had to go to court with Lester.
Vivian: Well, I thought the divorce was final months ago.
Janice: That's right and everything was going so well until she saw Lester with another woman and that's when she snatched off the wig.
Vivian: She snatched off the woman's wig?
Janice: No, Lester's.

Vivian: Hi, honey, your dad and I just had the most romantic lunch.
Philip: Romantic? I don't mean to be critical, Vivian but you did mention the baby, what, three or four dozen times?
Vivian: It was so romantic when you asked that strolling violinist to play my favorite song.
Philip: Yes. And what did you request? "The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round."
Vivian: [sings] The wheels on the bus go round and round...

Vivian: Philip, what's going on?
Philip: What's it look like, Vivian?
Vivian: Looks like a bunch of middle-aged men with too much time on their hands.
Dan: Hey, we're bikers.
Vivian: Dan, you're an accountant. Got a moment, Fonzie?

Vivian: Honey, you've also got an infant son who needs you... in one piece.
Philip: I don't see Dan's wife giving him any heat over this.
Vivian: From what Helen tells me she ain't giving him any heat anywhere else either.
Philip: Oh, you women discuss that?
Vivian: You'd be surprised what we talk about. Honey, be reasonable. Get off the midlife-crisis highway and come home.
Philip: Oh, yeah, I can't wait to see your first hot flash.

Will: Look, Uncle Phil, you go to college to figure out what you wanna do. I mean, I found what I wanna do, and it ain't taking me no four years.
Philip: Going to college is not about finding a job. It's also about finding yourself.
Vivian: And the search should take more than one weekend.
Will: Why can't you guys respect my decisions and treat me like an adult?
Vivian: Okay, fine. I'm telling your mother.

Vivian: Kids, I don't know how to thank you. Such thoughtful gifts.
Ashley: Well, you deserve them, Mom.
Vivian: And these roses they are exquisite. Thank you, honey.
Geoffrey: You're welcome.
Philip: Well, you know, it's the thought that counts.
Vivian: Yes, so think about sleeping on the couch for a while.

Vivian: How are you doing?
Will: No, I'm cool, Aunt Viv. I stopped on the way home. I had a few drinks. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm fine, I'm fine. You think that Uncle Phil is gonna be cool with this?
Vivian: I think so.
Will: Yeah. All right.
Vivian: If I can stop him from coming home.

Vivian: All right, I've heard enough. Now, I did see something good on TV today. I saw two people begging for forgiveness and feeling very badly for hurting someone that they love.
Philip: Oh, please, Vivian. Don't buy into the propaganda.
Vivian: That's enough. Now, what I wanna hear now is an apology and the acceptance of the apology. Go ahead.
Will: We sorry.
Hilary: We're sorry.
Will: We sorry, man. We sorry. Man, we sorry.
Hilary: We're really, really, really sorry, Daddy.
Vivian: Okay, now you.
Philip: [mumbles] I accept your apology.
Vivian: Philip.
Philip: I accept your apology.
Vivian: Okay. Now hug.