Jazz: This is the best day of my life. Did I thank you for everything you've done?
Will: Well, not everything.
Jazz: I hope you two will be close. She touched me, Will. And I know she'll touch you too.
Will: Yeah, actually, Jazz, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. See, listen, last night...
Jazz: She told you about our decision?
Will: What decision?
Jazz: The one we made last night. We're gonna have 10 kids. One for every month of the year. But we gonna name them all after you.
Will: Jazz, hey, you ain't got to do that, man.
Jazz: Okay, then, we'll name them Earl.

Jazz: Here you are, my brother, I brought you a card.
Will: Hey, thanks, Jazz. "Heard you had a stroke"?
Jazz: It was the closest we could find. You know, for some reason, Hallmark has overlooked this occasion.

Will: So, what am I supposed to do, Jazz?
Jazz: Only one thing to do. I give you the hoodlum pages. Let's see. Counterfeiters, extortionists, car salesmen. Ah, here it is. Guys who take dives.
Will: Wait, give me this. Wait a minute, this guy will let me punch him 10 times for 40 dollars?
Jazz: Mention this ad, and he'll throw in a head butt.
Will: Okay. So dude comes down to the Peacock he kicks up a little static, I lay him down. Lisa and everybody thinks I'm a hero. Ahh. Hey, man, where'd you get this from anyway?
Jazz: I stole it.

Vivian: So, Janet, how long have you been in town?
Janet: Well, I just moved here. I got a scholarship to go to UCLA.
Hilary: Oh, well, we certainly know who got the brains in your family.
Jazz: Yeah, but Janet ain't stupid.

Janet: So, Mrs. Banks, Jazz tells me you're a college professor.
Vivian: That's right. I teach English.
Janet: And Mr. Banks, Jazz tells me you're a professional wrestler.
Philip: Well, I'm afraid he was mistaken. I'm a lawyer.
Jazz: My apologies. I was misquoted.

Jazz: Prince, is your uncle here? I think I dislocated my hip last night dancing. Man, I don't want to risk getting thrown out. [Will removes Jazz's jacket] Yo, man, what's up? Come on, man, that tickles.
Will: I want my clothes back, Jazz. You set me up with a maniac. Man, your sister's the bossiest woman in the world.
Jazz: I know.
Will: You know?
Jazz: Man, she gets on my last nerves. Ever since she moved out here she's been hanging out at my place, bossing me around all the time. I had to pawn her off on some sucker.
[Will throws Jazz out of the house]

Philip: Practice is over, Will. Ashley, honey, it's teatime.
Jazz: Ooh, tea. Biscuits!
Philip: Geoffrey, put on our teatime music, please. You'll love this, honey. It's Brandenburg Concertos.
Will: Jazz, hit me with some sugar, man.
[Jazz throws a sugar cube across the table into Will's tea cup]
Will: How about a little milk?
Ashley: No, I'll get it.
Jazz: [holding a spoon] I thought this was sterling. It's got that certain weight to it.
[Geoffrey takes the spoon out of Jazz's hand]
Philip: Yes. This is my favorite part. Ashley, honey, this is possibly the most beautiful music ever written. Would someone turn it up for me, please?
Will: Jazz, crank it up for me.
Philip: Yes. Listen, darling. Listen to the violins. Beautiful. The oboes will be coming next.
[After Jazz starts "scratching" the record like a DJ, he is thrown out of the house]

Christina: Who are you?
Jazz: I am Raphael de la Ghetto.
Christina: Where's your afro? And where's your dashiki?
Jazz: I worked all that out in therapy.
Christina: I don't know who to believe anymore. How do I know you're the real Raphael de la Ghetto?
Jazz: Listen. "My love for you is like a river Like a summer breeze That makes my soul shiver One look from you Is more precious than gold Let's go get some barbecue And get busy"
Christina: Oh, Raphael. Tell me more.
Jazz: [to Will] Works every time.

[As Jazz tries to sneak around behind Uncle Phil's back:]
Philip: What is that smell?
Will: Oh, I'm sorry, Uncle Phil, I thought I was alone.
Philip: No, no, I don't mean that.
Philip: It smells like cheap cologne and fried chicken.
Jazz: I resent that. [Uncle Phil turns around] Oops.
[Uncle Phil throws Jazz out of the house at night]

Eric: Hey, Hilary, don't worry about it, it's all settled, sweetheart. Will, I'll see you in court.
Jazz: Court, huh? There's a ball and a hoop out back, we can go now, sucker.