Bob: Okay, you gotta admit it, this one's pretty funny. [chuckles] I'm sorry, I love word play.
Kitty: I don't get it. What's so funny about a muff?
Red: Kitty.
Kitty: I mean, muffs aren't funny. I have a beautiful gray one that I have been using for years.
Red: For the love of God, please.
Kitty: Just tell me what's so funny about my...
Red: Nothing. Nothing is funny.
Kitty: Exactly.

Eric: Okay, you guys, I made a list of all the things I wanna do on my year off. Check out number five.
Fez: "Jump into my car through the window like the Duke boys."
Eric: No, no, no, no. No, I already did that. That should be crossed off. Number six.
Donna: "Vandalize a local business"?
Eric: Yes, and today I happened to see an out-of-business muffler shop. Imagine the muffler shop signs with the "L-E-R" scratched off the word "muffler."
Donna: Eric, no, that's gross.
Fez: What's gross? I don't get it. I want to know what's gross.
Eric: Replace your old "muffler" without the "ler."
Fez: "Replace your old muff..." Oh, I get it. I get it.

Bob: Oh, hey, Kitty. Listen, I think I'm just gonna take Donna home and call it a night.
Kitty: Oh, don't you dare. We need to act like everything is normal. Keep the party going. Keep Donna happy. Didn't you have a speech to give?
Bob: Kitty, I don't think it's still appropriate...
Kitty: Okay, Bob's got a speech. Everybody, listen to Bob's speech. Speech! Speech!
Bob: I guess I could change a few things as I go along. [clears throat] "To the lovely bride and the handsome...
bride. I know the... one of you will make... yourself very happy. Your life will surely be enriched by all the time you spend with... alone. You are truly one soul becoming one joined... alone forever. So I don't look at this as the day I lose a daughter. I look at this as the day I gain... nobody." Salute.

Hyde: Ready? One, two, three. Cockroach beats nuclear bomb. That is 38 wins in a row. I think it's safe to say that I'm the best man.
Fez: No, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I just noticed something. Cockroach always wins. One more time, for all the marbles.
Hyde: Fine. One, two, three. [Hyde plays foot and Fez plays cockroach]
Fez: Foot, I forgot about foot. So foot always wins. One more time. Winner, best man, period.
Hyde: One, two, three.
Fez: Bomb! Nuclear bomb beats foot. It's like everything in this game loses to something else!
Hyde: Yes, it's exactly like that.
Fez: Wait, except... Aha! I was so blind. Nuclear bomb beats everything. One more time, winner take all.
Hyde: One, two, three. [Hyde plays cockroach and Fez plays nuclear bomb]
Fez: I'm going home.

Kitty: Washer and dryer, Red. They are going to have a washer and dryer. That redheaded harlot is gonna be Shouting-out my baby's grass stains! What about my last summer with my youngest child? I bet you weren't thinking about that when you went fishing. I bought sparklers for the Fourth of July. He loves sparklers and now he's leaving, and what are we gonna do for the Fourth of July?
Red: Uh... there's a car show in Kenosha.
Kitty: A car show? I don't want to go to a [bleep] car show in [bleep] Kenosha. I want three more [bleep] months with my baby boy and now they're gone because of your bull[bleep]. Way to go, dumbass!

[circle:]
Hyde: I'm telling you, the government has a car that runs on water, man. They just don't want us to know, because then we'd buy all the water. Then there'd be nothing left to drink but beer. And the government knows that beer will set us free.
Fez: Hyde, you told us about the car a million times. Can we please talk about how hungry and horny I am? I wish I had a lady made of pizza. Or a pizza made of boobs!
Eric: Yeah, hungry, check. Horny, check. It's getting a little old, Fez. God, I feel like I'm Luke Skywalker, you know? Remember when he was living on Tatooine before R2 and 3PO showed up? Just working on Uncle Owen's water farm all day. Not even allowed to go into Toshie Station to pick up some power converters. Boring.
Kelso: Eric, enough with the Star Wars crap! Whenever you talk about that stuff, I frown. And when I frown, my skin wrinkles. And if I get wrinkles, my free ride is over. And I like my free ride!
Hyde: Yeah, we get it. You're good looking. Look, doesn't anybody have anything new to say?
[Fez, Eric and Kelso are stumped when the camera pans over to them]
Hyde: So there's this car that runs on water, man. [guys throw beer cans at Hyde] It runs on water, man!

Kitty: Steven. You got a big tear in that jacket.
Hyde: Yeah. It's hard hopping over a fence carrying two 12 packs. I mean, library books.
Kitty: Well, I'm gonna ignore that, 'cause you don't even have parents to buy you a new coat. He doesn't have parents, Eric.
Eric: He told me that sometimes when he's all alone, he cries.
Kitty: Oh, that settles it. I'm taking you shopping for a new coat. Here, here. Take some Tang and go.
Hyde: Man, if I had a dollar for every time I heard a chick say that. [Hyde and Eric laugh]
Kitty: What? What? Never turn down Tang. Growing boys need Tang. [Hyde and Eric laugh] What is funny here?

Kelso: This chapter just helped me figure out the answer to you and Donna's problem, vis-a-vis your crappy score.
Eric: "Vis-a-vis"?
Kelso: It's a PBS word, Eric. Stay with me here. Yeah, I liken your situation to that of Pavlov's dog. You see, Pavlov was this science guy and every time his dog would ring a bell, Pavlov would eat.
Eric: Are you sure it was the dog who rang the bell?
Kelso: Yeah. I mean, who else would it be?
Eric: Pavlov?
Kelso: Well, that wouldn't be a trick, Eric. I mean, what man can't ring a bell? Anyway, every time that dog would ring that bell, old Pavlov would eat, and then he would drool.

Hyde: Hey, what do I need Jackie for, man? I know more about this stuff than she does. The three true branches of the government are military, corporate, and Hollywood. I need a pencil. I got it. I got it.

Red: This mall is only big enough for one Santa, Bob.
Bob: Tell you what, you name five reindeer and I'll step down.
Red: I can name five toes that are gonna be in your ass.
Kitty: Oh, for goodness' sake! Why don't we stop calling it Christmas and call it "Assmas"?