Red: Have you been in bed all day?
Eric: Yeah, I have. I've been reading the Jack Kerouac classic On The Road. See, as I see it, why get out of bed when you can read about people who got out of bed?
Red: You have got to be the laziest non-communist I've ever met. And you are about to read a book that my foot wrote. It's called On The Road To In Your Ass.

Red: I can't believe that is what you idiots have been doing in my basement all these years!
[The background behind Red and Kitty sways as Eric stares at them]
Red: I wish I had 2,000 feet so I could put 500 of them in each of your asses!

Kitty: Okay, Mr. Claus, [laughs] let's hear your best Santa laugh.
Red: Ho, ho.
Bob: You left out a "ho", Red. It's three "ho's". Did you even read the Santa manual?
Kitty: Okay, Red, I'm sure you'll do fine. Just remember, Santa is a cheerful, jolly fellow, who never calls a child "dumbass".

Red: So, what do you want for Christmas?
Boy: I want a slinky.
Red: A slinky? Oh, you'll get sick of a slinky in a day. I'm putting you down for flash cards. Math, that's what you're getting for Christmas. Next.
[later:]
Girl: I want a pony.
Red: Ponies die. What you need is a good pair of boots. Go on, keep it moving.
[later:]
Girl #2: I want a flying car.
Red: I did, too, when I was your age, kid. But then the future came and took my dreams away. Just like it's gonna take yours.
Kitty: Okay, okay, little girl, you know what? I bet, if you're extra good, you'll get your flying car one day.
Red: Don't listen to her. It's a lie.
Kitty: Bad Santa.

Red: And that's what really happened in Vietnam.
Boy: I don't understand.
Red: Neither do I, kid. Neither do I.
Kitty: Okay, little boy, time to say goodbye to Santa.
Boy: What's an ambush?
Kitty: It's a pretty bush with yellow flowers.
Red: Kitty, I gotta tell you, I'm good with kids. I really taught him something. You know, I think I'm beginning to feel the Christmas spirit.
Kitty: Well, I'm glad, Red. But let's try telling a Christmas story where nobody gets caught in a firefight.