Red: This mall is only big enough for one Santa, Bob.
Bob: Tell you what, you name five reindeer and I'll step down.
Red: I can name five toes that are gonna be in your ass.
Kitty: Oh, for goodness' sake! Why don't we stop calling it Christmas and call it "Assmas"?

Kitty: Okay, Mr. Claus, [laughs] let's hear your best Santa laugh.
Red: Ho, ho.
Bob: You left out a "ho", Red. It's three "ho's". Did you even read the Santa manual?
Kitty: Okay, Red, I'm sure you'll do fine. Just remember, Santa is a cheerful, jolly fellow, who never calls a child "dumbass".

Red: So, what do you want for Christmas?
Boy: I want a slinky.
Red: A slinky? Oh, you'll get sick of a slinky in a day. I'm putting you down for flash cards. Math, that's what you're getting for Christmas. Next.
[later:]
Girl: I want a pony.
Red: Ponies die. What you need is a good pair of boots. Go on, keep it moving.
[later:]
Girl #2: I want a flying car.
Red: I did, too, when I was your age, kid. But then the future came and took my dreams away. Just like it's gonna take yours.
Kitty: Okay, okay, little girl, you know what? I bet, if you're extra good, you'll get your flying car one day.
Red: Don't listen to her. It's a lie.
Kitty: Bad Santa.

Red: And that's what really happened in Vietnam.
Boy: I don't understand.
Red: Neither do I, kid. Neither do I.
Kitty: Okay, little boy, time to say goodbye to Santa.
Boy: What's an ambush?
Kitty: It's a pretty bush with yellow flowers.
Red: Kitty, I gotta tell you, I'm good with kids. I really taught him something. You know, I think I'm beginning to feel the Christmas spirit.
Kitty: Well, I'm glad, Red. But let's try telling a Christmas story where nobody gets caught in a firefight.

Announcer: [on TV] Don't go away, kids, A Year Without A Santa Claus will be right back.
Hyde: Man, Heat Miser's badass.

Kitty: Okay, now, please... Stand still. Nobody likes a Santa with plumber's butt.
Red: Why am I doing this?
Kitty: Because I wanna force some good cheer through your clogged arteries and into your cranky heart.
Hyde: Yeah, it's like Christmas Drano.

Bob: I can't believe you're replacing me as Santa, Red. Three years and now management says I'm too jolly.
Red: What do you want, Bob?
Bob: I want to be Santa.
Kitty: Well, it's Red's turn this year. Santa could use an elf.
Bob: Fine, but I don't wanna sit in the back and pretend to assemble toys. I want to participate.
Hyde: Yeah, Bob, you gotta keep your dignity. If you're in an elf costume, you don't want that tiny hammer making you look silly.

Kelso: Yeah, this is way better than hanging out at the library with Brooke. Lot of great memories in here. Did it in there. Did it back there. Got caught by Miss Tompkins doing it down there. Did it with Miss Tompkins over there.

Fez: Everyone, look for football players. I cannot spend another holiday in a locker. And this time, if I don't show up for two days, come look for me.

Red: Bob, what the hell are you doing?
Bob: You're depressing the kids. I'm Santa now.
Red: Get out of my chair, Bob, or you're gonna get a candy cane up your chimney.
Bob: I'm not moving.
Red: Kitty, hold my silly red hat.