Donna: Why can't my dad just see that Pam is a total gold digger?
Jackie: Oh, would you stop saying that?
Fez: Hey, either she digs for gold or she doesn't. It's easy to check. Are her boots muddy? Does she carry a pickaxe? When she comes home does she say, "Tough day at the gold mine"?
Jackie: No, Fez, a gold digger is what these idiots call a woman who knows that love eventually wears off, but money is forever.

Kitty: What I don't understand is how you can lie to a pastor in church.
Donna: Well, Mrs. Forman, what about the time you lied to Pastor Dan? You told him your dog ate your bake sale cookies, but you didn't bake them 'cause you were too busy sipping Kahlua and watching that Paul Newman retrospective.
Kitty: I did not lie to Pastor Dan in church. I lied to him at the market, and at the market, he is just a regular man. Now, you two march back to church and tell him the truth. And for your information, Donna, Kahlua is barely a drink. It's like root beer.

Fez: Oh, the cousin kiss. The sexiest of all relative kisses. Right above big-breasted aunt and sleepy grandma.
Hyde: Did you just say, "sleepy grandma"? You telling me you kiss your grandma?
Fez: Not my grandma, a grandma. Sick bastard.

Kitty: Stuart, Stuart. This is Bob, the stress causer. Bob broke Red's chainsaw. Bob, meet Stuart. Stuart, blame Bob.
Stuart Sutcliffe: Red, how do you feel about Bob? Does he cause you stress?
Red: Not really. Bob's just kind of goofy. Like a cartoon. Like living next to Elmer Fudd.
Bob: That may be the nicest thing you've ever said about me. You wascal.

Jackie: Why is Red so stressed? [gasps] It's a mystery. Just like when Nancy Drew had to figure out why the man in the clock tower was so mean to his cat.
Kelso: What did she find out?
Jackie: Oh, I don't know, books are too long.

Red: I'm throwing them away, Bob. Look, I appreciate the thought. No, well, that's not true. I mean, shoes are a weird gift to give another man. I mean, what's next? A weekend in Cancun?
Bob: Okay, fine. I bought the shoes for myself, but they pinch my toes, so I decided to pawn them off on you as a gift.
Red: You were just trying to screw me over? Well, I can respect that. Thanks for the shoes, Bob. [shakes Bob's hand] See, I have a friend.
Kitty: No, no. This is not the way friends act. He was gonna throw away your present, Bob.
Bob: Come on, Kitty. I gave him shoes. That's weird. I'm surprised you didn't punch me in the face right then.
Red: I almost did. [both laugh]

Red: Shoes are an inappropriate gift to give another man.
Kitty: Well, what about when you joined the service? Another man issued you your boots.
Red: But then he gave me a gun, so I let it go.
Kitty: Well, why don't you just accept the shoes because Bob is your friend?
Red: You don't understand how men work. We don't give each other presents. We pretty much ignore each other until someone scores a touchdown.
Kitty: You should listen to me. I know how to be a friend, and you obviously don't, since you don't have any.
Red: I have plenty of friends. Charlie's a friend. He saved my life during the war.
Kitty: And when is the last time you talked to Charlie?
Red: We said all we needed to say on the boat back home.

Red: Why do we celebrate the Fourth of July?
Fez: Because we are damn glad not to be a bunch of British, tea-drinking nancy pants.
Red: Nobody's gonna argue with that answer.

Fez: Okay, the INS called. I have to go in for a final review before I can pick up my green card.
Red: I bet they give you a test on US history. See, America is strict about who we let in here, 'cause we have stuff that people wanna steal. Unlike your lesser countries like Canada and France.

[Red picks up a tool]
Eric: Socket wrench.
[Eric picks up an action figure]
Red: Drives the spaceship. Sits next to the hairy guy.
Eric: Han Solo.
[Red picks up a tool]
Eric: Flathead screwdriver.
[Eric picks up an action figure]
Red: I know this. Guy with the breathing problem.
Eric: "Guy with the breathing problem." This is Darth freaking Vader. Seriously, Dad, if you don't know the Dark Lord of the Sith, the most hated enemy of the Jedi warrior, then I guess somewhere down the line I failed with you.