Red: Kitty, when it's three o'clock on a Saturday afternoon and you're still in bed, I know something is wrong.
Kitty: Oh, Red I'm fine. Why should I care that my sweet baby boy was defiled by some jiggly red-haired tramp?
Red: Kitty.
Kitty: What I can't figure out is how she tricked him into it.
Red: Look, it's not like we didn't know this was coming. You're always showing Eric anatomical diagrams and charts and slides. You've been prepping him since he was six.
Kitty: Are you blaming me?
Red: No, no, heck no. It's my fault. Men are dirty. It's...
Kitty: Well good.
Red: Kitty, I just want you to get out of bed. You know, none of us had lunch and, uh, we're kinda hungry.
Kitty: Well, it's a house full of grown men and I would think that one of you fully grown men would know how to make a damn sandwich!
Red: Well, maybe I should go-
Kitty: I sure as hell would!

Eric: Look, Mom, I'm not all grown up, and I do still need you for stuff.
Kitty: Oh, you do not.
Eric: Sure I do.
Kitty: Really? For what? List it.
Eric: I need you to love me. [Kitty slaps Eric] I need you to... I really need you to get out of bed because Dad's been making my life extra miserable.
Kitty: Well, okay, that one I buy.
Eric: So, are we okay now?
Kitty: Oh, honey. No! Well, I'm sorry, I just- I don't like you growing up and I don't like it and I'm not gonna. But I... I guess it's just something I'm gonna have to get used to.
Eric: You know what, Mom, I'm always gonna need you. Because chances are, Dad's gonna ride my ass for the rest of my life.
Kitty: Yeah. You really do rub him the wrong way, honey. [laughs]

Red: Hey. Let's see a smile. After all, no card game with the Looney Tunes tonight.
Kitty: Red, they are the only friends we've got. I am having them over tonight so we can clear the air.
Red: No. No, no. I don't wanna clear the air.
Kitty: Red, I'm clearing the air.
Red: Kitty, this is our chance to grow apart. How can you throw that away? How?
Kitty: Because six nights a week, I have to stare at your sour puss, and even God got to rest one day a week. [laughs]

Kitty: Hi, sweetie. How was work?
Eric: Oh, pretty good except for the fact that Dad's getting sued for firing a Price Mart employee.
Kitty: Okay. Well, good. Have a cupcake.
Eric: Mom, did you hear what I said?
Kitty: Uh-huh, and it's just so very unpleasant, I'm ignoring it. So, have a cupcake.
Eric: Earl is suing Dad for wrongful termination.
Kitty: Earl? He didn't do his job. He was always late. He was a complete dumbass... person.
Eric: Mom, you said "ass."
Kitty: Well, now so did you. Give me back the cupcake, foul mouth.

Kitty: Oh, Donna is gonna love you making dinner for her. There's nothing sexier than a man who cooks. Unless that man is Burt Reynolds. Then I don't give a darn what he's doing. He's just sexy! [laughs]
Eric: Ooh-hoo, Mom has a thing for the Bandit. [laughs]
Kitty: Ten-four. [laughs]

Donna: Hey, Mr. And Mrs. Forman.
Kitty: Oh, my. Look at this vision of lovely. [chuckles] Oh, this is just like when you two were little, and you- you used to eat pretend supper. Only now it won't end up with Donna sitting on Eric's head. [laughs] Oh. Oh, Red, let's go.
Red: Kitty, that was just awful.
Kitty: I know. Keep walking.

Kitty: Red, you should go talk to him.
Red: What? Why me?
Kitty: Well, because I don't really know how to mend a broken heart. I've never been dumped.
Red: Oh, I don't believe that.
Kitty: Why not?
Red: Well, there are certain things about you that are annoying that other people might not have been as tolerant of.
Kitty: You're bald!
Red: See? Like that!

Kitty: Welcome back, Steven. You know, maybe we can spruce up your old room since I decided to redo the basement.
Eric: What? You're redoing the basement?
Kitty: Well, honey, no one uses it.
Eric: I use it. Every day. It's my Batcave.
Red: I'll find you a good, cheap contractor.
Kitty: Oh, no, no, no. This is something I want to handle myself.
Red: This is going to be expensive, isn't it?
Kitty: Maybe.
Red: Don't you like anything cheap?
Kitty: I like you.

Kitty: Okay, here he is on the potty. Look how hard he's concentrating. Ooh, ooh, I have some earlier ones. Look at that baby. Didn't he have the cutest little behind?
Donna: Yeah. So when did he lose it?
Kitty: Right around when he turned 10. It was the strangest thing. Poof. Like someone ironed him.

Kitty: Oh, Red. What happened to you? That oatmeal was for the hobos.
Red: Well, the idiots used it for a prank.
Kitty: Eric, how many times have I told you, don't poke the bear. Don't poke the bear!
Fez: Well, technically, we didn't poke the bear. We pour oatmeal on the bear.
Red: Are you correcting my wife?
Fez: Kelso's laughing at you.