Jackie: So the cops caught you doing it? Oh, my God! Oh, my God. That is such a turn on!
Donna: That is not a turn on. You're a little pervert. Jackie, I have a big problem. How am I gonna tell my parents?
Jackie: Okay, if you need to use the bathroom, you should go now. Cause I have a lot to say.
Donna: No, I'm fine, thanks.
Jackie: Okay. You're first mistake was wearing pants for car-sex. When you do it in the car, skirts are your best friend! Zip-zap, bim-bam, you're done, you're dressed, you're back at the mall!
Donna: Jackie, I'm screwed. If I tell my parents, only one of two things could happen. Either they'll be furious, or they'll ask me how it was.

Red: Kitty, when it's three o'clock on a Saturday afternoon and you're still in bed, I know something is wrong.
Kitty: Oh, Red I'm fine. Why should I care that my sweet baby boy was defiled by some jiggly red-haired tramp?
Red: Kitty.
Kitty: What I can't figure out is how she tricked him into it.
Red: Look, it's not like we didn't know this was coming. You're always showing Eric anatomical diagrams and charts and slides. You've been prepping him since he was six.
Kitty: Are you blaming me?
Red: No, no, heck no. It's my fault. Men are dirty. It's...
Kitty: Well good.
Red: Kitty, I just want you to get out of bed. You know, none of us had lunch and, uh, we're kinda hungry.
Kitty: Well, it's a house full of grown men and I would think that one of you fully grown men would know how to make a damn sandwich!
Red: Well, maybe I should go-
Kitty: I sure as hell would!

Red: So, Kitty, you think maybe it's time to get up?
Kitty: No.
Red: Okay, you know what? Kitty, you gotta shape up! I can't believe that you're all surprised that your 17-year-old is doing what 17-year-olds do. Big deal! Now get the hell out of bed and buck up! [Kitty sobs] Oh, jeez. Honey, I'm sorry!
Kitty: Get out! [Red runs out]

Eric: Actually, Mrs. Pinciotti, Mr. Pinciotti, it's something I need to tell you. ... Sorry, I almost threw up. I'm fine now. You both know how much I respect your daughter, how much I love your daughter, and uh, funny thing about love, ha-ha, is, uh... sometimes, we express it in a physical way.
Bob: You better not say what I think you're gonna say, 'cause I'll be mad. And funny thing about mad, ha-ha, is sometimes I express it in a physical way.
Eric: I love your daughter, and I totally respect her, and I never stopped respecting her. Even when the cops came.
Bob: Well, I'm sorry, Eric, but I still gotta twist your neck shut!

Donna: Dad, you know you shouldn't be threatening Eric. You should be, uh, thanking him.
Bob: What?!
Midge: Wow!
Donna: He's treated me like a queen since the day we started dating. Eric and I have sex. There, you know. At least I have a nice boyfriend and not some juvenile delinquent.
Midge: Like that Fonzie!
Eric: Well, that's nice.
Donna: And at least Eric had the guts to come over here and tell you man to man.
Midge: Well, I'm happy for you. And thank you for being honest. That took a lot of courage, didn't it Bob?
Bob: I'm going to bed! [exits]
Midge: [clears throat] So, how was it?
Donna: Oh, God!

Eric: Look, Mom, I'm not all grown up, and I do still need you for stuff.
Kitty: Oh, you do not.
Eric: Sure I do.
Kitty: Really? For what? List it.
Eric: I need you to love me. [Kitty slaps Eric] I need you to... I really need you to get out of bed because Dad's been making my life extra miserable.
Kitty: Well, okay, that one I buy.
Eric: So, are we okay now?
Kitty: Oh, honey. No! Well, I'm sorry, I just- I don't like you growing up and I don't like it and I'm not gonna. But I... I guess it's just something I'm gonna have to get used to.
Eric: You know what, Mom, I'm always gonna need you. Because chances are, Dad's gonna ride my ass for the rest of my life.
Kitty: Yeah. You really do rub him the wrong way, honey. [laughs]

Red: Eric, we know what you were doing in the car.
Kitty: No, we don't "know".
Red: Trust me, we know.
Kitty: No, no, we don't "know"!
Laurie: I know! I know!
Eric: Course you know, you majored in it.

Red: What were you thinking?
Donna: Mr. Forman, uh, it was my idea too. So um, please stop yelling at Eric? Because...
Red: What?!
Eric: Just play dead and cover your face.
Donna: No, Eric, it's okay. [clears throat] What we did was a choice that we made. A choice we made as adults.
Red: Oh, really? You're an adult?
Eric: Don't answer! It's a trap.
Donna: Yes. We're adults.
Red: Okay, Donna, then as an adult I expect you to go next door and tell Bob and Midge just exactly what happened tonight.
Donna: Okay. I'll tell them.
Red: Good. And I'm gonna check to see that you did.
Donna: Oh, come on! Why would you do that?!
Red: Donna, I won't keep something like this from your parents. They think we're friends.

Bob: Something on your mind?
Donna: Yeah. There is something important I want to tell you guys. Eric and I have been going out for a while now and we did something you two should know about.
Bob: Yes?
Donna: Well see, Eric and I, uh... We um... We rode the Forman's motorcycle. There, I said it. The weight is just off my shoulders.
Bob: Donna, that was wrong. But not a wrong as it could have been, cause it could have been...
Midge: Sex! That's what I thought too!
Donna: What?! No, that's crazy. That's- That's silly. You guys are silly gooses! You make me laugh, cause you're silly!

Bob: So, what do you kids need to tell us?
Midge: I tried to guess but my mind's a total blank.