Eric: No, uh, Dad, this was just a prank that's gone wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong.
Red: Well, I've got a prank too. One where my foot doesn't plow through your ass. Let's hope it doesn't go horribly, horribly wrong!

Hyde: Well, that's a mighty big smile. What, did you get into the Play-doh?
Kelso: No. I'm happy 'cause today is Gift Day. And in honor of this special day, I got you all gifts.
Eric: All right. Aerosmith Live.
Kelso: Yeah, for my friend who rocks.
Hyde: Oh, man. The new Rolling Stone.
Kelso: For my friend who reads.
Fez: [gasps] Oreos!
Kelso: For my friend who snacks.
[Eric groans as he puts on a set of headphones. Fez groans as he bites one of the Oreos. A farting sound is heard as Hyde sits down on the couch.]
Kelso: A triple-decker burn! Awesome!
Eric: Wha-There's peanut butter on my headphones!
Fez: These cookies are filled with toothpaste!
Hyde: All right. That noise did not come out of my butt.
Kelso: Welcome to Prank Day. That's right. It's Prank Day. "Gift Day." You idiots.
Hyde: A whoopee cushion? What are you, two? [squeezes whoopie cushion] These things are great.

Kelso: Let's just watch TV. Hey, Fez, I think there's a Nancy Drew on.
Fez: Oh! She can solve my mystery any day. [chuckles] And by the way, the mystery is in my pants.
Eric: Okay. That's it. I got a peanut in my ear.
Kelso: Yeah. I used chunky, so it might get up in your brain.
Eric: Yeah. Ha-ha. Laugh it up now, man, 'cause fun time is over. [struggles to remove his hand from the freezer] What the hell? I'm stuck.
Fez: [struggles to remove hand from TV] I have been glued!
Kelso: Not glued, superglued.
Hyde: Whoa, whoa, whoa. So you covered the freezer handle and the TV knob in superglue? Knowing Forman's love for Popsicles and Fez's love for knobs!
Kelso: Yeah. I'm an evil mastermind.
[As Hyde stands up to give Kelso a high-five, the chair cushion comes with him]
Hyde: Kelso, is there a cushion glued to my butt?
Kelso: No. Not glued, superglued.
Hyde: You're a dead man.
Kelso: Yeah? What are you gonna do, sit on me with your cushion-butt? [giggles] It won't hurt, 'cause it's a cushion-butt.

Jackie: Okay. I'm here for our slumber party.
Donna: Wow. When you said you were gonna dedicate your whole day to me I figured that meant only until we left The Hub.
Jackie: No. I promised you twenty-four hours of Jackie time, which is equal to seven days of an ugly person's time.
Donna: Well, it's just, I'm in the middle of this really good book.
Jackie: Donna, books are for prisoners. Now, I brought tons of activities. First, some makeup for your long-overdue facial overhaul. The greatest board game ever... Mystery Date. And. Wait. Best of all my stuffed animals so we can perform an all-unicorn rendition of Grease.

Kitty: Oh, Red. What happened to you? That oatmeal was for the hobos.
Red: Well, the idiots used it for a prank.
Kitty: Eric, how many times have I told you, don't poke the bear. Don't poke the bear!
Fez: Well, technically, we didn't poke the bear. We pour oatmeal on the bear.
Red: Are you correcting my wife?
Fez: Kelso's laughing at you.

Red: Are you laughing?
Kelso: Oh, come on. You're covered in oatmeal! It's funny!
Red: That's it! [Kitty holds Red back as he charges at Kelso]
Kitty: Oh, oh, you know what you should do, Red? Forgive and forget. Turn the other cheek, like Jesus. Be like Jesus, Red.
Red: I can't even think of a punishment big enough for this! But trust me, it's going to be awful. The kind of thing that Harry Truman might order to end a war!

Eric: Is Dad still gonna kill me?
Kitty: Eric, I put him in his Corvette, tuned the radio to a hockey game and handed him a beer. I've done all I can.

Kitty: Well, this was another prank? See what happens when you act like a jackass?
Red: Kitty, I am so sorry and I promise: no more pranks, ever.
Kitty: Okay. So, we're done here. [walks away]
Red: Wait! You're not hurt. You were faking it.
Kitty: Oh, don't sound so surprised. I fake things plenty. [laughs]

Fez: Guys, who's Harry Truman?
Kelso: He invented electricity, dumbass.

Eric: We really did freak out those guys tonight, huh?
Red: Hmm. Now, it's time to go after Kelso, the head dummy. And we're gonna have the junior dummies help us out.
Eric: You know what? We make a good team. It's like I'm Batman, and you're- Oh, no. You're- You're Batman.