Bob: So did you get your shots yet?
Eric: Wait. What shots?
Bob: The vaccines to protect you against exotic diseases. I had to get them when I was in the military.
Red: You were in the National Guard. What exotic diseases were you afraid you'd catch, scaredy-cat-eating-pie-in-a-Jacuzzi fever?
Bob: Hey, I'm proud of my service. Somebody had to stay home and hose down those hippies.

Bob: [chuckles] You kids. Standing around the driveway. It's so darn cute. You know, you may not realize it but this is the most fun you're ever gonna have.
Eric: So it's all downhill from here, sir?
Bob: Yeah.

Bob: Those kids could be anywhere. Needle, meet haystack.
Red: Look, they left the house in a wood-paneled ocean liner. We should be able to find them.
Bob: Yep, it's a real asphalt jungle out here. The sun goes down, the rats come out. I lost my mailbox last year. Oh, yeah, you know what it is? The evil spilling over from Sheboygan. Oh, how many stories do you suppose there are in this naked burg?
Red: Eight, Bob. There are eight.

Bob: Hi, you two. Thought you might wanna know. Midge and I worked things out.
Red: Well, that's just great, Bob.
Bob: Yeah. We're separating.
Red: You can't stay with us.
Bob: No. I'll be staying at home. We're gonna live together. We're just gonna see other people.
Red: Okay, Bob, I want you to think about this. You're living in the same house, but you're dating other people. I'm not saying for sure there'll be problems, but I want you to think about it. Think hard, Bob.
Bob: I think it's gonna be sexy.

Midge: Your turn, Red.
Red: Okay, fine. "Cueball." [clears throat] I'm sorry, Bob.
Bob: Sorry? Why apologize to me? I like billiards. Billiards are fun. Okay, so you all know.
Midge: I don't know anything.
Bob: I wear a toupee.
Midge: Bob! If you tell them, they'll know.
Bob: I wear a rug. So what?

Bob: Look, I know it's silly. I guess I'm vain. Every morning I wake up wishing I had the courage to walk around looking like you. But I don't, Red. I don't. I guess that makes me a bad person.
Red: Look, Bob, I didn't mean to make...
Bob: No, no. You know what? No, you're right, Red. You're right. Maybe it's time I stop living the lie. [removes wig]
Kitty: [snorts] Sinuses. [all except Bob laugh]
Red: All right, all right, I was wrong, Bob. You need the toupee. Put it back on.

Donna: Huh, so, what's up?
Bob: Well, your mom and I have been talking. We have a few ideas about the vows. First of all, a wedding is a nice way to spend the day. Write that down. "Spending the day with your mom is nice." That's my first vow.
Eric: I don't think that's a vow.
Bob: Yes, it is. Okay, uh, Mom... Why do you want to get remarried?
Midge: Well, when your dad and I were in the attic, we figured out I still fit in my wedding dress.
Bob: Oh, that's good, too. "Midge, you're as thin today as the day I married you." That's a nice vow. Write.

Eric: Actually, Mrs. Pinciotti, Mr. Pinciotti, it's something I need to tell you. ... Sorry, I almost threw up. I'm fine now. You both know how much I respect your daughter, how much I love your daughter, and uh, funny thing about love, ha-ha, is, uh... sometimes, we express it in a physical way.
Bob: You better not say what I think you're gonna say, 'cause I'll be mad. And funny thing about mad, ha-ha, is sometimes I express it in a physical way.
Eric: I love your daughter, and I totally respect her, and I never stopped respecting her. Even when the cops came.
Bob: Well, I'm sorry, Eric, but I still gotta twist your neck shut!

Bob: Hey, Kitty, the Pinciottis are all here. Where's the rest of team Forman?
Kitty: Oh, I'm all alone today.
Midge: All alone? Ick! That's just embarrassing.
Bob: Well, that's a shame. Because if there's anyone who has some confessing to do, it's that dirty, dirty son of yours.

Bob: When I woke up, her bag was packed and she left. Didn't even say where she was going.
Kitty: On the other hand we have pancakes with egg eyes and bacon smiley faces! [laughs]
Donna: The hash-brown hair is nice.
Bob: I can't believe she would just take off without even a hint or a warning.
Donna: No warning? Dad, she was always saying, "I'm unhappy, and I'm gonna leave."
Bob: Honey, that's just what married people say.
Donna: Did she say where she was going?
Kitty: Well, um... She said she was going to California to- to be a star on Broadway. So...
Bob: Oh, Midgie. She may not have been smart, but she sure was sweet. And built too, boy.