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That '70s Show: The First Time

216. The First Time

Aired February 14, 2000

When Bob and Midge decide to renew their wedding vows, Donna is tasked with writing their vows. While Bob asked Red to be his best man, Kitty is upset that Midge didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid.

Quote from Leo

Leo: Hey, I'm Leo, and I'm also a Leo. Think about it.

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Quote from Fez

Fez: Okay. Here we go. Right hand, blue.
Eric: Fez, you can't play Twister by yourself.
Fez: That's where you are wrong, my friend. Right leg, green. Oh, that's gonna be tough.
Hyde: Hey, Fez, man, the circus called. They said they'll pay you 50 bucks a week if you can kiss your own ass.
Fez: Take a message.
Donna: [enters] I have the greatest news in the world. How the hell are you doing that?
Fez: I'm double-jointed.

Quote from Bob

Donna: Huh, so, what's up?
Bob: Well, your mom and I have been talking. We have a few ideas about the vows. First of all, a wedding is a nice way to spend the day. Write that down. "Spending the day with your mom is nice." That's my first vow.
Eric: I don't think that's a vow.
Bob: Yes, it is. Okay, uh, Mom... Why do you want to get remarried?
Midge: Well, when your dad and I were in the attic, we figured out I still fit in my wedding dress.
Bob: Oh, that's good, too. "Midge, you're as thin today as the day I married you." That's a nice vow. Write.

Quote from Hyde

Hyde: Hey, man. All right. Check this out, okay? Friend of mine's having a wedding this weekend, and I told him that I'd be the photographer.
Leo: Oh, cool, man. I remember my wedding. It was magical, man. Chicks and booze everywhere.
Hyde: And I'd be willing to miss all that chicky-boozy fun to take pictures, you know? But, Leo, man, I got a problem. I can't see through the viewfinder because I have a glass eye.
Leo: How come your eye doesn't look like glass, man?
Hyde: Well, that's 'cause it's special space-age glass.
Leo: Whoa. Your eye was in space? That's awesome, man. [tries to touch Hyde's eye]
Hyde: Okay. So, here's the deal, right? Job pays 10 bucks and half a meatball sub. So I'm missing out on a pretty sweet deal here. Damn you, glass eye.
Leo: Well, hey, I could use the 10 bucks, man, and half a meatball sub. If only I had a camera. [Hyde grabs a camera] Whoa! Hey, it's all coming together, man.

Quote from Jackie

Kelso: Jackie, this is for you.
Jackie: Oh, my God. Pink and purple with a unicorn. You remembered!
Kelso: Of course I remember. I remember everything you tell me, even when you think I don't.
Jackie: Really? What's my favorite season?
Kelso: Fall?
Jackie: Why?
Kelso: Uh, the outfits flatter your chestnut eyes.
Jackie: And?
Kelso: Slimming lines and dark colors.
Jackie: Oh, my God, Michael! When you started acting like an immature jerk, I started having doubts about us, but now this purple and pink unicorn candy dish proves you're a grown-up. Oh!

Quote from Donna

Bob: First of all, Midge and I would like to thank everyone for coming. It really means a lot to us. The vows we're exchanging were written by our daughter Donna, whom we love very much. "Midgie, I consider it a privilege to be your husband." Donna, I actually feel that way.
Midge: "Bob, I'm proud and very grateful to be your wife."
Bob: "We've known each other since we were practically kids..."
[The camera focuses on Donna and Eric looking at each other]
Midge: "So we know all the good stuff..."
Bob: "And all the not-so-good stuff about each other."
Midge: "I can't imagine feeling about anyone else the way I feel about you."
Bob: "Because I love you. I always loved you, and I want to make you a promise."
Midge: "No matter what happens..."
Bob: "Good or bad..."
Midge: "I will always love you."

Quote from Donna

Eric: Okay. Donna, wait.
Donna: What?
Eric: Well, first you drag me away from the wedding, and then you kiss me all the way over here, and then you pull me upstairs and shove me into my bedroom and put your hands all over my body. I just... I'm sorry. I'm confused.
Donna: Huh. If only there were a way to make my feelings clear with some sort of action. [turns lights off]
Eric: Yeah. Ha. Okay. [turns lights back on] That's, uh, ahem, ha-ha, extremely funny. But, uh, every, every time this starts happening, it winds up not happening. And then you skip home... Tra-la-la-la-la.
Donna: [laughs] I know. I know, and I'm sorry. It's just, you know, before now, I wasn't ready.
Eric: Yeah, and I understand that, Donna. It's just that... wait! Wait! Go back!
Donna: I wasn't ready before now.
Eric: Before now, like... Right now?
Donna: Eric, when I had to write those vows, I had to think about love. When I thought about love, I thought about you. I love you, Eric, and I want to be with you.
Eric: God, Donna, I... Love you. Are you... Sure, sure?
Donna: Yes, yes.

Quote from Bob

Donna: Dad, can I talk to you for a second? I've been trying to work what we talked about into your vows, but I'm having a little trouble.
Bob: Did you put in that thing about your mom staying thin?
Donna: Yeah.
Bob: So what's the problem?
Donna: Well, Dad, it just doesn't seem very...
Bob: Hey, there's nothing in there about me being thin, is there? 'Cause I can't get enough of these wienies.

Quote from Kelso

Kelso: Oh, this is great. Jackie's gonna get wedding fever. Man, all I'm gonna hear is, "Michael, at our wedding, don't shove cake in my face," and, "You better know how to dance," and, "There will not be a trampoline." A wedding without a trampoline... That's crazy talk.
Hyde: Yeah. It'd be like a funeral without a dunk tank.
Kelso: Yeah. You know what? She even knows what kind of china patterns she wants. Pink and purple with unicorns. Who wants to see a unicorn when they're eating pie?

Quote from Hyde

Bob: Oh, Steven, how'd you like to be our wedding photographer?
Hyde: Nope. I like to party at parties.
Bob: I'll give you 10 bucks.
Hyde: 20 plus a meatball sub.
Bob: Deal.
Hyde: Deal.

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