Laurie: What about Hyde? I mean, he doesn't have to go.
Hyde: While I respect the Judeo-Christian ethic, as well as the Eastern philosophies and, of course, the teachings of Muhammad, I find that organized religions have corrupted those beliefs to justify countless atrocities throughout history. Were I to attend church, I'd be a hypocrite.

Eric: Hey, how about you? How come you never have to go?
Red: Eric, God and I had a heart to heart while I watched my destroyer go down in the South Pacific. We're real good. You're not. Go.

Bob: Hey, Kitty, the Pinciottis are all here. Where's the rest of team Forman?
Kitty: Oh, I'm all alone today.
Midge: All alone? Ick! That's just embarrassing.
Bob: Well, that's a shame. Because if there's anyone who has some confessing to do, it's that dirty, dirty son of yours.

Leo: Excuse me, ma'am. Is this seat taken, ma'am?
Kitty: Do you see anyone?
Leo: I love it here, man. The guy up there tells stories, that guy wails on the organ, you can sing as loud as you want. It's almost a religious experience, man. I kind of think this is what heaven's gonna be like, you know. Plus they'll have an open bar.

Fez: So, Eric, I see you're not in church today.
Eric: Uh, no. Now that I'm not a virgin anymore, there's really nothing left to pray for.

Eric: Hey, you know what might make our little church ploy work better? If you'd button your shirt. Uh, and, uh, hey, what's that in your hair? Oh, a cigarette butt. That's nice.
Laurie: Ugh. That's the last time I make out on asphalt.

Kelso: Man, my life sucks. Ever since Jackie left, I'm no good at pinball.
Fez: You were never good at pinball.
Hyde: Let's look at the bright side of not having Jackie. First, no Jackie. Second, now you can do all the things that you could never do when you were with her, man. Which was at last count... everything.
Kelso: Oh, man. You're right. You know, Jackie never ever wanted me to, like, cheat on her, or grow a beard, and I always wanted to. And now I can let this grow out!
Fez: May I grow one, too?
Kelso: I don't know, Fez. The two of us growing beards together... Isn't that kind of girlie?
Fez: Hmm, well, I just figure the more the hairier. [laughs] [nobody else laughs] Oh, I'm surrounded by idiots.

Red: Ah, there they are.
Kitty: My little angels are home. How was church, good sermon?
Eric: You know, fine. Jesus said something really wise. People said, "Oh, that Jesus." And now we go and try and live our lives that way.
Red: You mean, like a couple of, uh, big, fat liars?
Kitty: Yeah. I ran into Bob out in the driveway, and he told me you weren't at church.
Eric: God! I hate Bob!
Laurie: I tried to go, Daddy, but Eric wouldn't give me a ride.
Eric: Hey, Mary Magdalene, there's some gum on your neck.

Kitty: You know, I don't understand this at all. You give me one good reason why you don't want to go to church.
Eric: It's hot.
Laurie: It's boring.
Eric: The music sucks.
Laurie: The pastor's ugly.
Eric: I have to wear a tie.
Laurie: I have to wear a bra.
Kitty: Enough.

[fantasy:]
St. Peter: Right this way. Wipe your feet, please. Sorry, no flash photography. Next.
Kitty: Oh, that's us. Forman, party of four.
St. Peter: I'm sorry, I can't let you in.
Kitty: What? All of us or... Just Laurie?
St. Peter: All of you. Hi, Laurie. Kitty, if you'd only gone to church with your family, but you didn't. So, down you go. [Formans scream] [laughs] I love that gag. Step aside, would you please? Next.
Bob: Hey there, ho there. Hi there, coming through.
Kitty: Oh, you have got to be kidding me.
St. Peter: What can I do? They went to church.
Bob: Here's 20. Can you find us a place up front?
Red: All right, that's it. I'm kicking Bob's ass.
Kitty: Red!
Red: Well, Kitty, we're going to hell anyway.
[reality:]
Kitty: Well, that's just not gonna happen.