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‘The Relapse’ Quotes Page 1 of 3    

That '70s Show: The Relapse

406. The Relapse

Aired November 6, 2001

Bob is devasted when Midge packs up and leaves. Kitty wants Red and Eric to help the Pinciottis through this. After Donna looks for comfort from Eric, he gets the idea they're back together.

Quote from Bob

Bob: When I woke up, her bag was packed and she left. Didn't even say where she was going.
Kitty: On the other hand we have pancakes with egg eyes and bacon smiley faces! [laughs]
Donna: The hash-brown hair is nice.
Bob: I can't believe she would just take off without even a hint or a warning.
Donna: No warning? Dad, she was always saying, "I'm unhappy, and I'm gonna leave."
Bob: Honey, that's just what married people say.
Donna: Did she say where she was going?
Kitty: Well, um... She said she was going to California to- to be a star on Broadway. So...
Bob: Oh, Midgie. She may not have been smart, but she sure was sweet. And built too, boy.

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Quote from Fez

Kelso: All right. Let's not get bummed out, guys, okay? There are a lot of other hot older women out there besides Midge. And they deserve our respect, 'cause they can teach us stuff.
Fez: Yes, I would love to make love to an 80-year-old. They must know everything. And not just about sex, but history and trivia too.
Hyde: Yeah. The young ones are too timid, but the older ones... they know it won't break.
Fez: How could it break? It is invincible.
Kelso: Yeah, and plus, they're, like, grateful you know, so they'll do it with, like, almost anybody.
Fez: Anybody? Well, that's me! Let's find Fez a dirty housewife to love.

Quote from Fez

Fez: What's his problem? This is the perfect outfit for picking up older ladies.
Kelso: Uh-huh. How's that?
Fez: Well, everyone knows that horny older ladies hang out at tennis clubs.
Kelso: Yeah, well, see, Fez... Point Place doesn't have a tennis club, or even a tennis court. We do have that concrete wall behind the gym, but people mostly use that just for smoking weed and beating up freshmen.
Fez: And foreign exchange students.
Kelso: You were new, okay? No. You know where we gotta go to get the ladies is the grocery store.
Fez: Oh, the Piggly Wiggly? I love the Piggly Wiggly. They have candy.
Kelso: Yeah. And older ladies.
Fez: And candy.
Kelso: Yeah, but the important thing is the older ladies!
Fez: And candy.
Kelso: All right, Fez. What do you want, the older ladies or the candy?
Fez: Fine, you win. The older ladies.
Kelso: Thank you.
Fez: And candy.

Quote from Kitty

Kitty: Good morning. I have terrible news.
Red: Are we out of bacon?
Kitty: No. I was outside, and-
Red: Remember that time we were out of bacon?
Eric: Do I? Nearly tore this family apart.
Kitty: Listen to me! Midge left Bob.
Eric: Are you sure? I mean, maybe she's just lost in the backyard. [Eric and Red laugh]
Kitty: This is serious. I was up early, and I saw Midge getting into her car with a suitcase. And I said, "Where are you going, Midge?" Because I'm concerned, not nosy. And she said to me, "I am leaving Bob, and I am never coming back." And I said, "Okay." And then I- I- I laughed like I do when I'm uncomfortable. [forced laugh]

Quote from Kitty

Kitty: Well, fine. Then I will go myself.
Red: Hey! Where are you going with my food?
Kitty: To Bob and Donna. When your wife or mother leaves you, you need a good breakfast.
Red: I need a good breakfast.
Kitty: Well, I didn't leave you. Eat a Pop-Tart.

Quote from Bob

Bob: Oh, what a nightmare.
Kitty: She was unhappy, Bob.
Bob: No, she took the Eldorado.

Quote from Hyde

Hyde: Yeah, not only did Donna lose her mom, we all lost Midge's sweet, uptown rack.
Fez: Oh, good God, man, what a marvelous set of kittens. Remember that sweater?
Kelso: Oh. Remember the other sweater?
Eric: Yeah. Remember that time she ran up to us in a sweater?
Hyde: Remember the week she took up jump rope? In a sweater?
[montage of Midge's chest]
Kitty: Eric! What are you boys thinking about so hard?
Eric: Nothing.
Hyde: Homework.
Kelso: Jesus.
Fez: Kittens.

Quote from Kitty

Kitty: Okay, um, Eric, I need you to take a casserole to the Pinciottis. So run upstairs and put on a nice, clean shirt and a sport coat.
Eric: What? No, I'm not going over there. Donna and I broke up, and things are weird with us. Well, that's too bad. Because I went over there, and Bob's a crier and a hugger. And when you get caught in a crying-Bob hug, there is no escape. And I cannot go back over there!
Fez: I don't know. I like to be hugged by Bob. He makes me feel safe.

Quote from Red

Kitty: Okay, okay, there he is. Go talk to him.
Red: No, Kitty. It's a personal matter, and I- [Kitty closes the sliding door] Oh! That's mature.
Bob: Oh, hey there, Red!
Red: Hi, Bob.
Bob: What a day, huh? What a day to be alive. I feel great.
Red: You do? Well, then I can go back inside. Bye. [the door is locked]
Bob: Yup, Midgie's been on me for weeks to weed the garden. [Red knocks on the door] I'm finally getting around to it, so when she comes back, she's gonna see that I did it.
Red: You think she's coming back?
Bob: Well, why shouldn't she? I did all the right things. We had an open marriage, experimented with drugs. I even threw nudist parties.
Red: Yeah, what more could a husband do? [knocks on door]

Quote from Hyde

Kelso: Hyde?
Hyde: I don't know, guys. I was gonna go watch Donahue. What do you think the chances are of Fez gettin' burned?
Kelso: Pretty good.
Fez: Damn good.
Hyde: Then I am in.

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