Hannah: So, Eugene, you're Glenn's assistant.
Mateo: Eugene O'Malley is Glenn's assistant, yes.
Hannah: Oh, well, you can just say "I."
Mateo: Eugene O'Malley just thinks a little differently.

Sandra: Hey. Don't feel guilty. You're getting your ankle monitor off! [Mateo sighs] And all Eugene knows is that the door was stuck and he got to redecorate an office.
Mateo: Right. You're right. And I mean, he was barely kidnapped. We didn't ask for a ransom or do anything to his nipples.

Mateo: So who is she? You have a very obvious flirty texting face.
Jonah: Okay. Keep it on the down low, but, uh, Carol's lawyer, Hannah, followed me on Instagram last week, and we've been kind of DMing.
Mateo: Oh, my God, you're dating outside the store? I'm so proud of you.
Jonah: Well, nothing has actually happened yet, but she said that she has to come in to get Carol's signature on something, so I'm thinking I might ask her out.
Mateo: Aw! Go... get 'em, tiger. [both laugh] I don't know. What do straight boys say?
Jonah: [phone chimes] No, I mean, you nailed it. That's exactly what we say.

Eric: Hey, fiancé.
Mateo: Oh, God. What parts did you hear?
Eric: Not much, since my mom was crying a lot, but I was able to catch that we're getting married?
Mateo: Okay, I swear this is all Jonah's fault...
Eric: It's fine. I'm sure Parker will get a new tooth soon and they'll forget that we promised them a big wedding.
Mateo: [sighs in relief] Yeah. Although...
Eric: That's a pretty big "although" to leave hanging.
Mateo: [sighs] I don't know. I've been trying not to think about my future just 'cause it's so up in the air with my status, and, you know, everything being hell, but... I'm just sick of putting everything on hold. So... yeah. I want to marry you someday. I mean, not that I even know if that's something you want..
Eric: But it is.
Mateo: Really?
Eric: We should start talking about it. [Mateo sighs in relief] I just would've preferred we talk about it before my mom started sending me photos of matching white tuxes.
Mateo: [laughs] Oh. [kisses Eric] We would never do matching white tuxes, by the way.
Eric: Never!

[Carol strikes open the leprechaun pinata]
Mateo: Wait, are those potatoes?
Eric: Do people know they have candy in Ireland?
Nia: Shh, we're not questioning it. Great party, Glenn!

Mateo: Well, still, it's gonna be, like, the best proposal ever, so...
Jeff: Proposal? Someone getting married?
Mateo: Uh, yeah... Uh, Garrett's proposing. To his girlfriend. Doreen.
Jeff: What? Garrett, why didn't you call me, man?
Garrett: Yeah, sorry. Uh, probably 'cause I've never called you before.
Jeff: Yeah, I know. What's up with that? Anyway, congrats! I have a jeweler you should definitely talk to. He hit me with his car, so he owes me a favor. Let me get you his business card. It's in my attaché. [walks off]
Mateo: Hmm.
Garrett: Dude, what was that?
Mateo: Sorry. But don't you remember when he found out Eric and I were just dating? He flipped out! Also, I'm on a journey of growth and maturity, and I don't need to flaunt my relationship in my ex's face.
Garrett: Yeah.
Mateo: Plus, in my mind, Doreen is super hot. You should see what I'm picturing. It's almost like, "Is she too hot for Garrett?"

Cheyenne: Wait, so what kind of problems are we supposed to be making for the customers? Like, "You guys are out of cheese" problems, or, "Oh, my God, my baby was stolen" problems?
Mateo: So we're supposed to stash a bunch of stolen babies in the back? Gross. Well, actually, I don't think it's that gross. Wait, do I want kids?

Mateo: Oh, so I'm digging and digging, and then, all of a sudden, the whole shelf falls. And I'm like, "Not today, shelf." And I dive out of the way. [chuckles] Anyway, I got you the very last one.
Woman: Wow... shoot. I actually need two.
Mateo: Oh, you know what? I think I saw another one back there.

Garrett: Hey, dude, I just got off a 45-minute phone call with Jeff and his jeweler, and they were really judgmental because I don't know the size of Doreen's ring finger.
Mateo: I'm sorry. It's just for one day. Oh, and ring size is easy. You just take a ring they already have, and slip it on to a tapered candle...
Garrett: She's not real! Can't you just come clean and get him off my back?
Mateo: I wish I could, but I think the mature, healthy thing for me to do... is to avoid him.

Jeff: Well, Trevor is like... Hmm, how can I put this so you'll understand? It's like if you took all the best traits of the Avengers and put them into one person.
Mateo: I actually don't understand that because I don't watch nerd movies, but congrats.
Jeff: Yeah, I guess I'm just the happiest I've ever been. I mean, and I wish that for you, you know I do. Maybe you can get there one day.
Mateo: I'm already there, okay? You don't have to wish me anything because I'm the one proposing, not Garrett. Eric and I are happier than you and Trevor. I'm ahead. You're behind.
Jeff: You're the one proposing?
Mateo: Yeah, so we beat you and Trevor!