Pam: Oh, hi! Kramer.
Newman: [whispers to Kramer] Hi. How are you?
Kramer: Hi. How are you?
Pam: I'm great.
Newman: I too am well.
Kramer: I too am well.
Newman: Do I smell Pantene?
Kramer: Do I smell?
Newman: Pantene!
Kramer: Uh, Pantene.
Pam: Oh, my shampoo. Yeah, it is Pantene, I got a free sample in with my junk mail.
Kramer: Well, there really is no junk-mail. Well, everybody wants to get a check or a birthday card, but...
Newman: It requires just as much man-power to deliver it as their precious little greeting cards.

Jerry: Seth, you're the manager, can't you turn off the sign?
Seth: Jerry, I lied. I'm just an assistant manager. [over loud speaker] Number sixty seven, family feast.
Newman: Number 67, right here. Right here!
Jerry: Hello, Newman.
Newman: Hello, Jerry.
Seth: And don't forget your steamed broccoli.
Jerry: Hold it. Broccoli? Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce.
Newman: I love broccoli. It's good for you.
Jerry: Really? Then maybe you'd like to have a piece?
Newman: Gladly. [spits it out] Vile weed!
Jerry: It's Kramer isn't it? The greasy door knob, the constant licking of the fingers, he's hooked to the chicken isn't he?
Newman: Yes! Yes, now please. Someone, honey mustard. [drinks the mustard like it's scotch]

Mr. Lippman: So, what is this guy again?
Elaine: They call him a Cleaner. He makes problems go away.
[A fancy car speeds down the road and parks badly by the side of the curb. Newman steps out, wearing sunglasses. He enters the store.]
Newman: Hello, Elaine.
Elaine: Where'd you get the car?
Newman: It's a rental. Where are they?
Elaine: In the back.
Newman: All right, I'm going to need a clean eight-ounce glass.
Mr. Lippman: What is going on here?
Newman: If I'm curt, then I apologize. But as I understand it, we have a situation here and time is of the essence.

Newman: June 14, 1987. Mets/Phillies. We're enjoying a beautiful afternoon in the right field stands when a crucial Hernandez error to a five run Phillies ninth. Cost the Mets the game.
[spoken over Zapruder-style footage of Kramer and Newman at the game:]
Kramer: Our day was ruined. There was a lot of people, you know. They were waiting by the player's parking lot. Now, we're coming down the ramp... Newman was in front of me. Keith was coming toward us, as he passes Newman turns and says, " Nice game pretty boy." Keith continued past us up the ramp.
Newman: Then, a second later, something happened that changed us in a deep and profound way front that day forward.
Elaine: What was it?
Kramer: He spit on us. And I screamed out, "I'm hit!"
Newman: Then I turned and the spit ricochet of him and it hit me.
Elaine: Wow! What a story.

Newman: [enters] I hear you've got some lip reader working for you. You gotta let me use her for one day. Just one day.
Jerry: Can't do it, Newman.
Newman: But Jerry, we've got this new supervisor down at the post office. He's working behind this glass. I know they're talking about me. They're going to transfer me, I know it. Two hours, give me two hours.
Jerry: Not going to happen.
Newman: [angry] All right, all right. All right you go ahead. You go ahead and keep it secret. But you remember this. When you control the mail, you control... information.

Newman: Well, I wouldn't hear of it. I said, "Nice try, granny!" And I sent her to the back of the line! [laughs]
Jerry: Hello, Newman.
Newman: Hello, Jerry. Say, this yogurt is really something, huh? And it's non-fat. I've been waiting for something like this my whole life. And it's finally here!

Kramer: You knew I was having a millennium party, but you just had to throw yours on the same day!
Newman: I have done nothing unethical.
Kramer: Yeah, well you're gonna have to cancel it, because I've told everybody about my party.
Newman: Cancel?! Think again, long shanks! I started planning this in 1978. I put a deposit down on that revolving restaurant that overlooks Times Square and I booked Christopher Cross.

Newman: Mmm. You present an interesting dilemma. Each of you seemingly has a legitimate claim to the bicycle, and yet the bicycle can have only one rightful owner. Quite the conundrum. As a federal employee, I believe the law is all we have. [getting worked up] It's all that separates us from the savages who don't deserve even the privilege of the daily mail. Stuffing parcels into mailboxes where they don't belong!
Kramer: Newman!
Newman: [calms down] But, you must promise That you will abide by my decision, no matter how unjust it may seem to either of you. Do I have your word?
Kramer: Uh, yeah.
Elaine: Yeah.
Newman: All right, let's begin. [ding] Ooh, my cocoa! [runs to the kitchen]

Elaine: I don't really know why I'm here. Kramer talked me into coming up here. But, obviously, I could never really do anything.
Newman: Of course. Obviously.
Elaine: Well, so, anyway, I'm sorry for wasting your time.
Newman: What kind of dog did you say it was?
Elaine: Um, I don't know. I've never really seen it.
Newman: I see many dogs on my mail route. I'll bet there's not one type of mutt or mongrel I haven't run across. If you ask me, they have no business living amongst us. Vile, useless beasts!
Kramer: Newman! Newman!
Newman: [calmly] Anyway...

Newman: Well, you'll never guess what happened to me today. I was, uh, driving home on the palisades parkway when I looked in the rear view mirror and what did I see? The fuzz. And it's funny because my new radar detector was on, but I didn't hear a thing. Isn't that strange?
Kramer: Yeah. That's strange.
Newman: A radar detector, as I understand it, detects radar. With a series of beeps and flashing lights. But oddly, for some reason I didn't hear a thing except for the sound of a police siren.
Kramer: That's queer uh?
Newman: I want my helmet back! You give me back my helmet, and you're gonna pay for that ticket!
Kramer: Oh, yeah? You better think again, Mojumbo.