Roland: Oh, Johnny, come on. Just enjoy it, okay? You're gonna be gone soon. You're gonna miss this place.
Johnny: I will be back, Roland. My son still lives here.
Roland: No, I know there is that, but... you are gonna be gone gone soon. Something can fall from the ceiling and just go.... Boom! I'm dead! [laughs]
Johnny: Okay.
Roland: Not me though, I'm prepared. [puts on hard hat]
Johnny: All right.
Roland: Okay, everybody, back to work!

Johnny: Look at this, a cigarette and a newspaper.
Roland: That stuff could've been here for years.
Johnny: Then explain why the coffee is still hot?
Roland: It's called global warming, Johnny.
Johnny: Okay.
Roland: Why do you strike me as one of those people that doesn't believe in that.

Roland: Well Johnny, I'm about to make you the most popular guy in room 6.
Johnny: Is this the mattress?
Roland: Okay, yeah, I've got a big heart, all right, don't spread it around. I talked Jocelyn into letting you have it.
Johnny: You're giving us the mattress?
Roland: Well, practically. It's yours for $200 bucks.
Johnny: That's a dollar less than you paid for it!

Johnny: Well, she said there was nothing she could do. Apparently, I don't have enough assets.
Roland: Yeah, she said apparently Johnny doesn't have enough assets.
Johnny: Yeah, and the problem is, how do you get assets... without the loan?
Roland: But the the problem is, how do you get assets without a loan?
Johnny: Roland, you're not adding anything to the sentence, you're just repeating what I said.

Johnny: Boy, these have a bit more weight to them than the usual pills.
Roland: Well, you know, Johnny, that weight might actually work in your favour if you take into consideration the humidity in here.
Johnny: Wow, well, thank you, Roland.

Roland: That is my great grandfather up there, Horace Schitt. He was a visionary, Johnny! He discovered this land, he developed it, and he turned it into the little slice of heaven that it is. And I'm proud of him! You understand that?
Johnny: Roland, you've got this all wrong.
Roland: Why do you hate me?

Roland: All right, directions. Super easy, Johnny. Here's what I want you to do. Okay, I want you take highway 10 to Loon Lake Road north, okay? I want you to take a right there. There's gonna be a split in the fence, I want you to go left at that split, and keep going. Go through the intersection of Loon Lake Road south, okay? And then you're gonna find Pine Road. Now you go up Pine Road, I want you take a right at that big oak tree, all right? It's old, it's big, you can't miss it. You go down the hill to the left and we're the third cabin on the right, okay? The key's under the mat.
Johnny: Got it.
Moira: Really?
Johnny: Key is under the mat.

Roland: Wait. Are you saying that I had something-
Johnny: I'm not pointing any fingers,
Roland: Uh-huh.
Johnny: But if I find out you had anything to do with this, even though you're acting like you don't-
Roland: Well, if I find out that you're accusing me of doing something I didn't do, then I'm going to accuse you of making false accusations.
Johnny: Fine. But if you're denying doing something you might have done and making me feel guilty For accusing you of something you claim you didn't do-
Roland: Ooh, is that a threat?
Johnny: I think so.
Roland: Because I don't wanna tell you how I respond to threats.
Johnny: And I don't wanna tell you how I respond to illegal political activity.
Roland: Okay, fine, then don't.
Johnny: Fine, I won't. Maybe.

Roland: Hey, who turned off Don Ho?

Johnny: Rolahnd, why don't you show Mr. Kaplan to his room?
Roland: Oh yes, formidab-le. If you would, uh, how do you say, um, voulez-vous with me please. I'll show you to your room.