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38Quotes from ‘Don't Worry, It's His Sister’

Schitt's Creek: Don't Worry, It's His Sister

103. Don't Worry, It's His Sister

Aired January 20, 2015

As Johnny tries to sell the town, he's concerned the welcome sign is putting off potential buyers. Meanwhile, Moira is tormented by an anonymous Internet comment, David tries to get a job, and Alexis wonders if there's anything between her and Mutt.

Quote from Moira

Moira: You must prepare for life, and whatever it will throw at you. The opportunities will diminish, and the ass will get bigger. Oh, you can bet your bottom dollar it will! Especially yours. You're going to have a huge ass. And you, future baldy. Sorry, hairless, homeless! So what? Who cares? When they get mean, you tell them to go to hell! Because only you know who you are! And those cruel Internet people cannot take that away from you! You will forge on! And you will find some glimmer of something to hold on to. And only then will you find your way back. Only then will you become once again who you are! [to a seated boy] Lady standing! [sobs] [groans]

Quote from Stevie

David: Hi, um, question. If one were to theoretically look for a job here in Schitt's Creek, where would you suggest that that person go to look? Is there, like, a bulletin board or a pamphlet, or something with information on it?
Stevie: No. No bulletin board. What kind of job are you looking for?
David: Um, something in, like, art curating or trend forecasting.
Stevie: Oh, okay. Um, hmmm, let's see. Not seeing anything in art curating or trend forecasting. That's weird.

Quote from Ray

Johnny: So, this is the town limits?
Ray: Yes, sir. 4,500 acres that ends right here at the town sign. And it's all yours, Johnny. It must be a nice feeling, considering you don't have a lot right now. You know, because of the crooked business manager. You know, the money scandal-
Johnny: Yes, I know, I know, I know, Ray.

Quote from Moira

Moira: [o.s., slurred] They dare to call me irrelevant? Shag carpeting, that's irrelevant! L.A. is irrelevant... I am relevant! "Good riddance," is what they said.
Johnny: Oh, who said that, sweetheart?
Moira: I don't know! They're no name commentors. Tormentors.
Johnny: Are we having a bad day, honey?
Moira: Anonymous. Ominous. [closing the closet door] That'll be fine, thank you. I'm afraid I don't have a gratuity right now.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: I don't hate you. I don't hate you.
Roland: Well, then, why do you have a problem with a sign that celebrates my family?
Johnny: It's not- It's just the way they're celebrating, that's all.
Roland: Okay, so now you hate my family.
Johnny: I don't hate your family.
Roland: Well then, what is your big fat problem with the sign?!
Johnny: It looks like your great grandfather's fucking your great grandmother right up the ass!

Quote from Johnny

Roland: Oh my go- That is so demented!
Johnny: You can't tell me you don't see that.
Roland: Well, you know, now that you put that creepy thought in my head, sure, I- I see it, but you got it all wrong, pal. Let me enlighten you, Mr. Johnny Rose! That isn't even Horace's wife! That's his sister.
Johnny: Well, how does that make it any better?
Roland: Ohhh! Well, I don't know how they do things where you come from, but around these parts, we don't do that sort of thing with our sisters!
Johnny: Roland, how is anybody driving past this sign supposed to know the woman getting banged from behind is that man's sister?!
Roland: Oh my.

Quote from David

Johnny: What's that?
David: Eye cream.
Johnny: From where?
David: From Paris.
Johnny: How did you pay for it?
David: Oh, one of my credit cards is still working.
Johnny: Oh, you're charging things to your credit card?! I see, and how are you gonna pay for it?
David: I don't think you understand, I already have it.
Johnny: Well, I know this is a bizarre concept for you, David, but if you want cream from Paris, you need a job, so you can pay for the cream from Paris!
David: Okay. Well, tell that to the bags under my eyes, then.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Help me out. Help me!
Alexis: Okay.
Moira: Oh, shhh. My foot's fallen asleep. Hey, shall we see what they're saying about you and Stavros?
Alexis: No!
Moira: It's not my idea! You were a couple of doe eyed lovers aboard a trans-Atlantic airship filled with gas!

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Um, hey! So, why do they give you table scraps? Are you, like, a poor person, or?
Mutt: Uh, no, but thanks for asking. No, I use it to compost. You know, that way nothing gets thrown out. Composting?
Alexis: Yeah, no, I I know composting. Um, Gwyneth Paltrow does a compost gift exchange.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: How are you?
Moira: I'm eating egg whites, and hoping the building will collapse.

Quote from Moira

Moira: It's not your fault, the script is garbage! Okay, which one of you wrote this?
Jocelyn: I did.
Moira: Jocelyn, have you ever been addicted to drugs?
Johnny: No!
Moira: Then write what you know, okay? The quiet suffering of a woman trapped in a relationship with a simpleton.
Johnny: That's not what I know, Moira, and drug awareness is part of the curriculum, so...

Quote from Moira

Moira: Start wherever.
Boy: Um... Do you wanna smoke a joint?
Moira: Oh, Mark, you are better than this. You can't let others define you. Look at me! Never let the bastards get you down!
Jocelyn: [whispering] Can't say bastard!

Quote from Ray

Johnny: What the hell is this?!
Ray: The town sign.
Johnny: Is this the real sign, or the joke sign?
Ray: What do you mean?
Johnny: You don't see anything wrong with this? The man! Standing awfully close to that woman, wouldn't you say?
Ray: Well, he's holding on to her so she doesn't fall into the creek.
Johnny: Look a little closer, Ray.
Ray: Well, it need a little sprucing up.
Johnny: Sprucing up?!
Ray: It's very popular, people come from all over to take a picture with it.
Johnny: I'll bet they do! You know what? This is coming down!
Ray: That's the mayor's family up there! That sign's been here over forty years.
Johnny: And you wonder why this place won't sell?
Ray: Oh, I think I see it now. His shoulders are too big.
Johnny: Get in the car, Ray.

Quote from Alexis

Johnny: Have you seen your mother today?
Alexis: Um, yeah, she was face down on the carpet before dragging herself into the closet.
Johnny: And you didn't say anything?!
Alexis: I thought she was maybe looking for a contact or something.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Um, do you have any other skills or areas of expertise?
David: I've been told I have really good taste.
Stevie: Oh, well, that's good. Um, let's see... Oh! Bag boy at the grocery store.
David: I don't know what that is.
Stevie: You put groceries in bags, so that people can carry their groceries out of the grocery store.
David: Okay, and how much do you think that would pay?
Stevie: Mmm, I'm gonna say minimum wage.
David: Which is what? Forty, forty-five something an hour?
Stevie: Mmm-hmm, exactly.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I would like two apple fritters, sliver of pecan pie, large fries with gravy and bacon!
Alexis: Okay, so, she will have scrambled egg whites and some steamed spinach, please, thank you.
Moira: And some pecan pie! Onion rings, and ice cream!
Alexis: Actually, none of that, and I will have a tea, thank you.

Quote from Ronnie

Johnny: Well, I can see you've got a million things on your plate, so I'll get to the point, it's about the town sign.
Ray: I told you he wouldn't let this go! [Ray and Bob chuckle]
Bob: The sign tells people what to expect when they're in town. Do you have a problem with that message?
Johnny: A major problem, Bob. Yeah, you see, it's the first thing you see when you drive in, and as the owner of the town, I'd like to convey a better, cleaner image.
Bob: There's a lot of history in that sign, Johnny. Schitt history.
Ronnie: That's all we need, some outsider coming in here and changing everything. If it ain't broke, don't fix it!

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Anyways, I have a giant favour. My class is putting on a play for the younger grades, and I just thought that you'd be perfect, you know, to help coach the kids. ... Because they'd be thrilled to have someone like you, an actual star... Teach them?
Moira: That must have taken such courage to ask me that. But in show business boldness is rewarded, so my answer is yes. Yes, yes!
Jocelyn: That is such good news.
Moira: Fuck, I know!

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Come in! Ah, David Rose. You're applying for the bag boy position.
David: Yeah.
Johnny: Tell me David, why do you want this job?
David: I don't want this job.
Johnny: Well, thank you very much, and don't expect a phone call! All right, do it right! Or let's not do it. Now, we're gonna start again.
David: Okay.
Johnny: Tell me, David, why do you want this job?
David: I ran out of eye cream.
Johnny: Okay, you're not gonna get this job. You're not gonna get this job! You know why? Your attitude sucks! And look at how you're dressed! What is this?! Colostomy bag pants! I'm the manager of a family run grocery store. I'm not gonna hire you! You're not gonna get the job, you're the last person...

Quote from Moira

Moira: Okay, how many of you beautiful young things have a background in the theater? Raise your swords! [nobody raises their hand] I see, a class grounded in realism, nice work. Because that is where we find our deepest well.
Moira: May I be up front?
Jocelyn: Yes.
Moira: We're not here to play, or to have fun. You will work until it hurts!

Quote from Moira

Moira: What is it that you want?
Boy: To go home.
Moira: Is that where you keep the stash? You want the marijuana?
Girl: Yes?
Moira: No, you want to be seen, and heard, and loved! Now, what is it you need? It's different, be careful, what is it you need? [shouting] What is it you need?

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: You want the smooth under eyes of a 16-year-old, get a job.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: So, that guy from the other night. He's not for me, right?
David: What guy?
Alexis: That beardy guy that I kissed at the party. He's gross, right? Like, that's not a thing for me. There wasn't, like, a spark or anything.
David: You mean the hitchhiker that was burning meat over a garbage can?
Alexis: Yeah, that one.

Quote from David

Johnny: Yeah, she googled herself again, now she's having one of her "things."
David: How bad is it?
Johnny: How bad is it? A solid seven.
David: It's not an eight, which seems manageable for you.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Well, except I've got a few things I have to take care of, so I need you two to go in, and take-
Alexis: No, I did Saint-Tropez, so...
David: And I did her birthday, and Aspen twice.
Johnny: And I'm trying to sell this town. So, if you kids want any chance of getting out of here, you'll help me out, and go in and look after your mother.
Alexis: Well, my horoscope said that I shouldn't assume responsibility for anybody but myself today.
Johnny: Yeah, and my horoscope says, why don't you go in and help your mother. And don't let her out of your sight, okay? We don't want her detonating in public!
Alexis: I know! Though it is kind of fun to watch, though.
Johnny: Not when you're the one she's trying to back over with a car.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: You just need to relax, because it's not like your boyfriend left you for a Scandinavian flight attendant. What kind of name is Kika anyway? I'm the one that should be in the closet right now, not you.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: You know what I think we should do? I think we should go get something to eat, because when you're eating you can't be talking to me, okay?
Moira: You know what I think?
Alexis: What?
Moira: [snorts like a pig] You date pigs.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Okay, I just remembered that being a mother is not your strong suit.
Moira: Oh darling, I'm only telling you because it's true.
Alexis: And because you gobbled down a hundred thousand anti-depressants this morning.
Moira: I was hungry. But I could still eat.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Um, hey! Stay here, okay? Don't move. [exits]
Moira: Oh, wow, I'm really bored.

Quote from David

Johnny: So, how'd it go?
David: I met with a woman at a very sad grocery store, and I have a quote unquote interview to be a bag boy.

Quote from David

Johnny: When's the interview?
David: This afternoon.
Johnny: Well, the interview's where you make your first good impression, so, it's gotta count.
David: I'm interviewing to be a bag boy, not a personal injury lawyer.

Quote from Alexis

Johnny: Where's your mother?!
Alexis: She's with Jocelyn.
Johnny: With Jocelyn?
Alexis: She's fine! And I'm fine too, if anybody cares.
Johnny: I told you to watch her!
Alexis: I did watch her! I watched her talk to Jocelyn.

Quote from Alexis

Twyla: Did you wanna come in? I was just about to make some tea.
Alexis: Mmm, no, I'm good. Uh, I should be getting back to my mom, who's not well, yeah, so, I'm gonna go.
Mutt: Okay.
Twyla: Oh.
Alexis: You guys have fun!
Twyla: Thanks!
Alexis: [hollow laugh] Bye! Blaaaaah!

Quote from Roland

Roland: That is my great grandfather up there, Horace Schitt. He was a visionary, Johnny! He discovered this land, he developed it, and he turned it into the little slice of heaven that it is. And I'm proud of him! You understand that?
Johnny: Roland, you've got this all wrong.
Roland: Why do you hate me?

Quote from David

Store manager: Good, you're gettin' the hang of it.
David: Well, putting groceries in a bag is not as complicated as one might think.
Store manager: Watch the eggs. What did I say?
David: You said put them in a separate bag.
Store manager: Good. Quick learner.

Quote from David

Woman on P.A.: David Rose, line one.
David: Sorry, I just gotta just one thank you. [answering phone] Hello?
Johnny: Hey, how's it going?
David: Yeah, I can't talk right now, so.
Johnny: Ah, they're working you hard, huh?
David: Yeah, I can't talk, so I'm gonna hang up, bye. Sorry, sorry about that.

Quote from David

David: Someone's on a health kick, huh?
Woman on P.A.: David Rose, line one.
David: I'm just gonna scoot past. [answering phone] Yeah?
Johnny: You hung up.
David: [hangs up] Sorry. Okay. Where were we?
Woman on P.A.: [annoyed] David Rose, line one!
[The store manager holds out her hand. David takes off his uniform and hands it to her]
David: Right. Take that off. Hand that to you. Now I'm gonna I'm gonna go.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: This is worse. This is much worse!
David: You did this?
Johnny: No, I didn't do this, I tried to fix this!
Moira: Well, it- It is what it is.
Alexis: Okay, it looks like-
Johnny: I know what it looks like, Alexis! I know!


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