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45Quotes from ‘The Cabin’

Schitt's Creek: The Cabin

105. The Cabin

Aired February 3, 2015

Unable to enjoy a moment of privacy at the motel, Johnny and Moira are offered Roland's cabin for the weekend. Meanwhile, Alexis tries to make the most of her parents' absence by throwing a party, despite David's reluctance.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Um, why don't you guys stay at the cabin for longer?
Moira: Oh, I would never just abandon you two in a motel in the middle of nowhere.
David: Didn't you once take the wrong baby home from preschool?
Moira: Alexis looked Chinese as an infant. How many times must I defend myself?

Quote from Stevie

David: Obviously they need to be funny, and smart, and have well-rounded sense of humour and a wide range of knowledge.
Stevie: Oh, all those types of people move away from here.
David: That's funny.
Stevie: No, I'm serious.

Quote from Moira

Moira: This place is almost charming. Very rustic cottage. I was half expecting early unibomber.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: David, I just- I miss my life! And I miss doing things. And I miss being surrounded by loose acquaintances who think that I'm funny, and smart, and charming. Will you? Just a few people. Please. You can't tell me that you don't wanna hang out with people other than me.
David: Obviously.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I, for one, think we should take them up on their offer.
Johnny: I can't believe what I'm hearing here. We're talking about Roland's place. Who knows what the hell we're gonna find up there?
Moira: Well, we can't share any real intimacy here in this internment camp, John, and I don't want to turn into my parents. Separate beds, separate rooms.
Johnny: Well, separate countries.
Moira: Exactly, a bad marriage.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Actually, I have a good feeling about this, John.
Johnny: You know, I'm starting to get a pretty good feeling myself.
Moira: Are you?
David: [entering] Oh, my God! Am I being punished for something?
Moira: David, are you dirty Peeping Tom?
David: I don't think parenting books would approve of you saying that to me.

Quote from Bob

Johnny: And once again, my apologies.
Moira: And I'm sorry, I don't know how to make a bed.
Johnny: And I may have damaged your corkscrew, Bob.
Bob: You broke it in half.
Johnny: Okay, the door, it won't open. The door won't open.
Bob: It's locked.
Johnny: Oh, it's locked.
Moira: What do you want from us?
Bob: Yes, it's it's locked to prevent strangers from coming into the cabin. See, uh, we didn't realize that, uh, strangers would already be in the cabin when we locked it.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Ew! Ew! Ew!
Moira: I hate to be the one to tell you, but having sex is not just about making children so they can grow up and make you feel bad about having sex.
Alexis: Oh, my God, can you stop this please?!
Moira: I will not be shamed. Shame on you.

Quote from Roland

Moira: Thank you so much for the loan of your cabin and your truck.
Roland: Looks like you folks got a lot of gear here, huh? Is that the tickle trunk?
Johnny: It's just clothes.
Roland: Yeah, okay, but just keep in mind there's only 60 amp service there, so don't be pluggin' a lot of gadgets in all at once, if you know what I mean.
Moira: Yet another disturbing look into his world.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: What about Sarah? She's cute and speaks English. Hmm?
David: Mm. She get it?
Stevie: Get what?
David: Like "get it" get it. It, like the vibe. Understand that games night needs to run a certain way, otherwise it won't work.
Stevie: Can I be on your team? You sound really fun.

Quote from Johnny

David: Shame on you for attempting that position at 8 o'clock in the morning.
Moira: John?
Johnny: You know what? Do you know how difficult it is for us to share a wall with you two?
David: I do now.
Johnny: Yes, well, if you don't mind, we are now going back into our room and don't even think about opening that door!
Moira: Are you serious?
Johnny: Next time.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Roland, I just need the door fixed.
Roland: Mm-hmm?
Johnny: Okay? My family can't keep living like this. My wife and I, we have no privacy.
Roland: Okay, all right. I get what this is about. You and the wife wanna bump the old uglies, huh? [chuckles]
Johnny: I have no idea what that means.
Roland: Having a little problem down there below there, Johnny boy, huh?
Johnny: No, there's no problem, Roland, I just need the locks fixed!
Roland: It's okay, I get it. I get it, captain. You've been a out to sea for a while you wanna bring the boat into port and maybe get your mast scrubbed. What're you guys down to now? Like twice a day?
Johnny: Okay, this is a conversation you and I will never have, all right? I just need the door fixed.

Quote from Roland

Jocelyn: Hey, Johnny.
Johnny: Jocelyn?
Jocelyn: How are you?
Johnny: Uh, good. Good.
Roland: Sex life's in the crapper. I just offered him the cabin.
Johnny: That is so not true.
Jocelyn: I knew something was wrong.
Johnny: N- Nothing is wrong.
Jocelyn: You should take the cabin. I wouldn't wanna see your relationship get any worse.

Quote from Jocelyn

Johnny: No, our relationship is fine. It's just a privacy issue-
Roland: Johnny, Johnny, come on, come on, come on, come on. Take the cabin, okay? And feel free to use the restraints. We keep 'em under the bed, so...
Johnny: Thank you. Thank you.
Jocelyn: Pick a safe word.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Well hellooooo.
Moira: Oh, my car broke down and it's raining, and I wondered if I might spend the night.
Johnny: Well, first let's get you out of those dry clothes and we'll see where the night takes us.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Ooh, what about Eric?
David: Hmm?
Stevie: He finished high school.
David: I don't love his look.
Stevie: Oh, looks are important? Oh, why don't we throw a pageant?
David: Trust me, if I had time, we would, but we don't, so...

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Oh, look! Roland and Jocelyn.
Moira: Who are the other two?
Johnny: Well, that's Bob. He's on the town council.
Moira: And his partner? Roland has gay friends? Again, shocked and delighted.
Johnny: I think that's his wife.
Moira: No, they're both called husband. Look at the them smiling away. What have they got to be so happy about?
Johnny: Well, they have no money issues. That's why they're so happy.
Moira: Yeah, they just don't know any better.

Quote from Bob

Bob: Oh good, you're done. We, uh, we didn't wanna interrupt.
Johnny: What're doing here?
Bob: Oh, just finishing off the latest Harold Zable novel. You ever read him?
Johnny: How long have you been here?
Bob: Quite a while. Yeah, you seemed to have a little trouble there, getting going. And, uh, well, we, uh, we didn't think you needed the extra pressure on you, so...

Quote from Bob

Gwen: Oh, hi! You're good.
Moira: And you are?
Bob: I'm Bob, this is my wife Gwen, and, uh, this is our cabin.
Moira: Oh, no, no, no. This is Roland and Jocelyn's cabin.
Gwen: No, they're a mile up the road.
Bob: Big tree, a fence. You can't miss it.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Okay, so then, hey, why don't we do something else, like a drinking game.
David: No! Absolutely not!
Alexis: Every time the vein in my brother's eye twitches, we take a drink.
David: Why would you bring up my eye in front of all these people?

Quote from David

Alexis: Oh, my God, what's happening?
David: I saw hell is what's happening. Oh, my God.
Alexis: What?
David: Oh, my God.
Johnny: David, what you just saw was your mother and me-
David: I know what I saw.
Johnny: -having an intimate moment.
David: I cannot unsee that!
Johnny: Okay, and I refuse to feel guilty about being in bed with my wife.

Quote from Alexis

Moira: Your father and I have some very important news.
Alexis: If you tell me that you're pregnant, I'm gonna vomit on this floor right now.
Moira: Oh, can you imagine?

Quote from David

Johnny: We're planning a trip.
David: Okay.
Johnny: Just to a cabin, overnight And we request that the two of you not try to contact us for the next 24 hours.
David: I really appreciate you doing that for me.
Johnny: I'm doing it for us.
David: Well, it's to my benefit.

Quote from Roland

Roland: All right, directions. Super easy, Johnny. Here's what I want you to do. Okay, I want you take highway 10 to Loon Lake Road north, okay? I want you to take a right there. There's gonna be a split in the fence, I want you to go left at that split, and keep going. Go through the intersection of Loon Lake Road south, okay? And then you're gonna find Pine Road. Now you go up Pine Road, I want you take a right at that big oak tree, all right? It's old, it's big, you can't miss it. You go down the hill to the left and we're the third cabin on the right, okay? The key's under the mat.
Johnny: Got it.
Moira: Really?
Johnny: Key is under the mat.

Quote from David

David: So I think I'm gonna go next door because your mess is making me anxious.
Alexis: What mess?
David: You know how clean my apartment was in New York. It was so clean. It was really clean.
Alexis: Well, it was very clean because you had a maid to keep it very clean for you.
David: No. I kept it clean after Cecilia cleaned. Anyway, I think it's best if we just take some space and um... I am looking forward to sleeping in a bed that his not made for a toddler.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Okay. I'll just chill here in my own space and Yeah. Maybe I'll do a mask or something and check in with myself and see how I'm doing...
David: Okay, so we're good?
Alexis: Yeah.
David: Okay. See you tomorrow.
Alexis: Okay.
[later, Alexis enters the other room:]
Alexis: I'm out of mask. I was so bored in there!

Quote from David

Alexis: Okay, so I think that we should take advantage of mom and dad being gone.
David: I am.
Alexis: Okay, but like throwing a party or something.
David: No. Absolutely not.
Alexis: Just a tiny, little, casual motel party.
David: Okay, Alexis, I have no interest in finding out what types of people are attracted to "casual motel parties."
Alexis: But you do have an interest in lounging on a bed that mom and dad have had sex all over?
David: Why would you do that to me right now?

Quote from David

David: Okay, fine. Something small.
Alexis: Yes!
David: Like a little games night.
Alexis: Yes, like a small, little games night party.
David: No. Like a little games night period.
Alexis: Okay, fine. And then, if it turns into something else, it turns into something else.
David: Well, it won't 'cause there's only six people invited. Any more and game play gets too yelly.
Alexis: It gets very yelly. Okay, this party is gonna be-
David: It's not a party.
Alexis: -awesome!
David: It's not a party.
Alexis: So. Much. Fun! I'm so excited!

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Hey, not bad! Rustic but nice, huh? The great outdoors, Moira.
Moira: I am shocked and delighted.
Johnny: Yes. I have to say I was nervous about this, but I've gotta hand it to Roland, he came through.
[later, as Johnny climbs through the kitchen window:]
Johnny: He's a moron! Key's under the mat, is it? The key is under the mat! Argh! That's great! Lying son-of-a Argh! Idiot man! Moron! [checking his shoulder for rips] Oh, good. [turns around to reveal a large tear in the back of his jacket]

Quote from David

David: So I need to flesh out this games night thing. Between you and my sister, and the barn guy and that girl in the restaurant, we have 5, and obviously we need an even 6 for ultimate game play.
Stevie: Well, what if I'm not a games person?
David: We're far too similar for you not to be, so... Options, please.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Have fun.
David: Okay.
Stevie: My money's on the other team.

Quote from Stevie

David: Yeah, I just, uh, came to apologize.
Stevie: For what?
David: For uninviting you to games night.
Stevie: You did not uninvite me. I uninvited myself.
David: Mm-hmm. Okay, well, um, I would really like it if you came and I would really love it if you could bring one other person of your choosing.
Stevie: So it doesn't matter if they don't blend?
David: Mmm-mmm.
Stevie: And this doesn't have anything to do with the fact that you couldn't find anybody else to come?
David: No. What? No. I- You are a very bright, funny person, with a wide range of useful knowledge and the fact that we don't have an ideal number for team style game-play, is not not why I'm here.
Stevie: You're such a liar. And I was bluffing when I said I wasn't coming. I just wanted to see you beg, so...
David: Okay.
Stevie: I'll put out some feelers, but, you know, such short notice, all the town hotties will have plans.

Quote from David

David: So, Eric, how do you know Stevie?
Eric: She used to be my babysitter.
David: Great. Wow. Okay. And how are your trivia skills?
Eric: My what?
David: Oh, my God. Okay. Good choice. Good choice.

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: Okay, so I brought this pie from work but on the way, I realized I didn't check what kind so there's a 50/50 chance there's meat in it.

Quote from David

David: Okay, so it's 8:15. It's 8:15. We should have started at 8. So fifteen minutes late, let's sit down and I will explain the game.
Alexis: And I would just like to thank everybody so much for coming. This is the first social thing that I've done in like a really long time, so let's just have so much fun and we'll just see where the night takes us.
David: Well, it'll take us to a three part games night that ends at 10.
Alexis: Okay, well, we'll see.

Quote from Mutt

David: Okay, so let's start. Let's start by putting down 10 famous names onto the pieces of paper in front of you.
Mutt: I don't think I can fit ten names on this piece of paper.
David: That's funny. That's funny. No. One per piece of paper. Ten pieces of paper, ten names.

Quote from Twyla

Eric: Who should I put down?
David: I can't tell you that, Eric, 'cause that would wreck the game.
Eric: So then how do I know what to put?
David: Oh, my God.
Stevie: [whispering] Relax.
Twyla: Can you put yourself down?

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Wow.
Moira: Yeah.
Johnny: I can't see out of one eye. But I'm still alive, that's the main thing.
Moira: I'm hungry. Should I go get-
Johnny: No! No. You don't have to get anything. I will get some food, I will get the wine. You have done more than enough.

Quote from David

David: She died! She's a dead person!
Twyla: Marilyn Monroe!
David: No! She helps people!
Twyla: Oprah.
Stevie: Calcutta! Calcutta!
David: Calcutta! The lepers!
Alexis: She's the mother. She's a mother.
David: It's not your turn, Alexis!

Quote from Mutt

Twyla: Princess Diana.
David: No! She's- The lepers in Calcutta, she helps them.
Stevie: Lepers! Lepers!
David: There's all these lepers.
Alexis: Stop yelling at her though!
David: It's the point of the game is the yell!
Mutt: She's a mother and has your cousin's name.
Twyla: Teresa? Mother Teresa!
Alexis: Yes!
David: You can't say mother! You can't say mother!
Mutt: She wasn't getting it.

Quote from David

David: No, that's it. I'm gonna call it a night. I'm gonna pack it in. Eric, don't look at my eye!

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Why are you being such an old woman? I'm sorry that I wanted to have fun tonight and invite a few random guys over and try and make out with them, okay? You're not the only one dying in this town. It is boring and I am just trying to make the best of it. I'm really sorry everybody. No offence, okay?

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: So his eye twitched five times, so drink up, bitches!

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Here's the thing. Um, I'm sorry that you and your sister are in a domestic, and I'm sorry that I invited Eric. That joke was funnier in theory.
David: Bad joke.
Stevie: But I'm gonna need you to come back in there.
David: Why?
Stevie: Because I don't really like most of those people and, believe it or not, we are in the middle of a very intense game of drunken charades and my team is losing. Badly.
David: Well, that's not really my thing.
Stevie: It's not my thing either, but you were right, we're way too similar and I am having a very hard time losing, so I will happily let you get back to this big queen bed if you'll just help us win a few more rounds. Just need somebody sober.

Quote from Johnny

Moira: Are you sure you don't want to call a tradesman or someone, John?
Johnny: Moira, I don't need a tradesman. I can handle a screwdriver, okay? This is working out just fine. And that is in. Look at this. Instant lock.
Moira: Yes, let me tell you, Eddie. You look awfully good in that blue collar.
Johnny: [goofy voice] Well, thank you very much, Mrs. Rose. I don't often get compliments when I'm fixing doors.
Moira: Oh, Edward, I'm afraid I must tell you, I shan't be able to pay you today.
Johnny: Well, that's okay, Mrs. Rose. Maybe there's um some other way you can pay me, if you get my drift.
[Alexis opens the door, ripping the lock off]
Alexis: Did you take my mask? Thank you.
Johnny: [goofy voice] Well, maybe I'll use a bigger screw, Mrs. Rose. Don't you go anywheres.
Moira: I'll be right here, Eddie.


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