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42Quotes from ‘Honeymoon’

Schitt's Creek: Honeymoon

110. Honeymoon

Aired March 10, 2015

David and Stevie try to work out where they stand after they spent the night together. Meanwhile, Johnny and Moira try to socialize by attending Roland and Jocelyn's "Hawaiian night", and Ted hosts a dinner party for Alexis's friends.

Quote from Roland

Roland: My son lives in a barn in the woods, by choice. He could be the next mayor of this town if he wanted it.
Johnny: My son is pansexual.
Roland: Mm-hmm, I've heard of that. I know what that is. That's, uh, that cookware fetish.
Johnny: No.
Roland: Mm-hmm!
Johnny: No, no.
Roland: No, I read about that.
Johnny: No. He loves everyone. Men, women, women who become men, men who become women. I'm his father, and I always wanted his life to be easy. But, you know, just pick one gender, and maybe, maybe everything would've been less confusing.
Roland: Well, you know, Johnny, when it comes to matters of the heart, we can't tell our kids who to love. Who said that?
Johnny: You did.

Quote from David

Stevie: So, just to be clear, um, I'm a red wine drinker.
David: That's fine.
Stevie: Okay, cool. But, uh, I only drink red wine.
David: Okay.
Stevie: And up until last night I was under the impression that you too only drank red wine. But I guess I was wrong?
David: I see where you're going with this. Um, I do drink red wine. But I also drink white wine.
Stevie: Oh.
David: And I've been known to sample the occasional Rose. And a couple summers back I tried a Merlot, that used to be a chardonnay.
Stevie: Uh-okay.
David: Which got a bit complicated.
Stevie: Yeah, so, you're just really open to all wines.
David: I like the wine, and not the label. Does that make sense?

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Moira, I have to ask you, are those wigs real hair? I just wanna reach out and just touch them-
Moira: Oh, please don't. No, Maureen does not like to be manhandled!

Quote from Moira

Moira: We understand you have found some local friends with whom to spend "time" with.
David: Oh, my God!
Alexis: Okay, I can't deal with this right now-
Moira: And that's fine.
Johnny: But we do have to be careful with our hearts and our parts.
Moira: Because a podunk baby out of wedlock is not something your father and I can afford to negotiate at this moment.
David: Well, that's crazy, because all I want to negotiate right now is some podunk baby out of wedlock!

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: You have what ifs, like, what if I had enlisted in the military? What if Roland hadn't been such a smooth talker? What-
Moira: Oh man, what if? What if I had not been crowned "Miss Snow Cone" at 16, and moved to the city with my driving instructor?
Jocelyn: Awesome.
Moira: And what if I had not hand modelled at that microwave trade show?
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Moira: What if I didn't ask, who's the eyebrows buying everyone's drinks?
Jocelyn: Wow, now you know.

Quote from Moira

David: Are you drunk?
Moira: Grass, too much grass.
Johnny: A little bit, but.
Moira: [to Stevie] Hey, track that cycle, missy!

Quote from David

Johnny: Is everything okay?
Stevie: Yes, I'm just a little tied up right now.
Johnny: [whispering] Is anyone in there?
Stevie: What? No!
Johnny: [whispering] Are you in danger? Blink if you're in danger.
David: [whispering] Stevie!
Stevie: That's really not necessary.
Johnny: [loudly] Okay well, I'm going back to my room now. [whispering] And I'm gonna call the police!
Stevie: No, Mr. Rose, please don't call the police!
David: Dad, please just take the towels, and go!
Johnny: Oh. Well, I, uh- I've got everything I need. Good seeing you both.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Um, okay, so I have to tell you this, um, Ted wants to meet my friends, so I think it's getting kinda serious.
David: It's been two weeks.
Alexis: I know. What's your point, David?! Ugh!

Quote from Moira

Johnny: You know, the more I think about it, the more I wonder whether David's whole "sexually adventurous" thing was just a phase.
Moira: It's not a phase.
Johnny: Well, you know, he was very influenced in college, all those haircuts.
Moira: It's not a phase, John. The kids are right, we've been talking about them far more than I care to do.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Look at us, all being together.
Johnny: Yes.
Moira: [to Roland and Jocelyn] Jonathan and I were just saying, wouldn't it be fun to have the mayor and his wife over for cocktails and charades tonight!
Johnny: Yes. Tonight.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: You're quiet today.
Mutt: Am I?
Alexis: It's just that you're not talking, and it's annoying, because I'm bored.
Mutt: Can't we just think and work, or do we always have to talk?
Alexis: Okay, you're being super sketchy and emo right now, what is going on?
Mutt: Have you ever been in a relationship where you find yourself cheating-
Alexis: Yes!
Mutt: With someone in your dreams?
Alexis: Oh, what? Oh. Um, you know that if it's in your dreams, or over the clothes, it's not cheating, right?

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Wow, it sounds like, um, quite the evening.
Moira: So whose pig do we have to slaughter to get an invite?
Jocelyn: Oh, my goodness. Well, um, we just didn't think that you and Johnny would wanna come, so...
Moira: Well, that's a touch presumptuous, Jocelyn, why would we not want to be involved in a themed party in your yard?

Quote from Ted

David: Wow, Ted, the place is very new looking. Did you design the interior?
Ted: Oh, I wish! No, I found this website online that sells off old department store show rooms.
Stevie: So this whole room-
Ted: Just gets delivered, as is. This is the Bachelor's Den here, and then that's the Executive Dining Lounge that I got on Black Friday.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Listen, I don't know if you guys wanna partake in this, because I'm sure your fancy dinner parties didn't have illegal substances.
Moira: Illegal substances. Amateurs. We had friends in the F.D.A, but-
Johnny: When in Rome.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I've been with these people before. I know them all.
Jocelyn: Wow, you've really been getting around town.
Moira: No, I was with them in my other life. I'm gonna tell you something. I'm from a small town, just like this.
Jocelyn: No, I'm not buying that.
Moira: It's true.
Jocelyn: Really? Why would you leave?
Moira: Oh, God, I couldn't wait to get out. I was dying there. Have you never dreamed? Of a life beyond?

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: I had a best friend that hooked. She married one of her Johns on my birthday.
Alexis: Wow, so cool!
Mutt: It's not the time, Twyla.
Alexis: Um, Stevie, I don't think you're a big hooker.
Twyla: You don't talk all dinner, and now you're telling me I can't talk about Trixie?!
Mutt: I'm sorry, it's just I think sometimes you have a tendency to say the wrong thing, that's all.
Twyla: Is there a right time to talk about being a hooker?

Quote from David

David: Okay, so you're not like, raging mad at me, then.
Stevie: No. I think it's fair to say that neither of us have ever worked with a ceiling mirror before.
David: True.
Stevie: It was funny. And a little humiliating.
David: Yeah, I, uh, saw a lot of my body, and I didn't like it.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Oh, hello again. Spending another night together?
David: Dad!
Moira: Oh, Stevie, I hope you're being smart.
Stevie: Oh, my God.
David: Oh, my God.
Moira: Because we can't afford a baby right now, and, let's be honest, neither can you!

Quote from Stevie

David: This was a good choice.
Stevie: Yep. We make good choices.
David: Mm-hmm, this was a really healthy choice.
Stevie: Well, I'm gonna go to work now.
David: Okay.
Stevie: Which is where I should've been fifteen minutes ago.
David: Mm-hmm.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: You slept with Stevie!
David: What, did dad tell the whole motel?!
Alexis: Well no, but I heard through the wall, 'cause he was doing his high pitched voice.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: So, was it cute for you, or what?
David: It was fine, it was weird, it was weird, it was good.
Alexis: Love that.
David: It was good but weird.
Alexis: I love that!

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: So anyway, we're throwing a party at his place tonight, so I would say be there around like, seven.
David: That's presumptuous, what if I have plans?
Alexis: That's so cute, bring Stevie!
David: No, I'm not bringing Stevie, it's not a good time. I'm gonna let the dust settle on that.
Alexis: Well, okay, but Ted's already getting groceries, and I may I already invited her. So it's gonna be fun! David, it's gonna be so much fun!

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Okay, hi. Hi. I don't wanna sound negative about this at all, but I think that you two really actually need to consider the idea of, um, getting a life.

Quote from David

Johnny: Alexis, I would not concern yourself with your mother and me, because we have a flourishing social life here.
David: Walking over to the cafe and ordering a tuna melt is hardly what I would call a flourishing social life.
Johnny: Oh, that's funny. That's funny.

Quote from David

Alexis: Yeah, it's just that you're so involved in our lives right now, and that was fine when we were child actors for a little bit, but now David and I are grown up adults, and we're just feeling very like, um-
David: Suffocated.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Wait, stop, stop! We came in here to speak about you two.
Alexis: What could you possibly have to say now?
Moira: Well, now I don't remember.
Johnny: Yeah, I don't remember.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Oh, yeah, no, unfortunately that's not gonna work for us. We're having a huge party tonight at our place.
Jocelyn: Ton of people coming to our house.
Roland: Whoo. Oh yeah, big. But we're free any other night. Other than tonight.

Quote from David

Stevie: Hey.
David: So, um, so the other so, last night um- That was just a
Stevie: Was a one time thing.
David: That was a one time-
Stevie: Like a blip.
David: Just a blip. Just a blip blop.

Quote from David

Stevie: Okay, well I'm gonna leave from here, should I just come by your place, and get you when I'm done?
David: Yeah, we can go together, 'cause that's- That's like, a totally normal thing for us to do.
Stevie: Why would it not be?
David: No, it's not! I mean So um.
Stevie: So, cool!
David: Yeah, no, this is a good thing. So I'll just, um, I'll see you when you swing by, so...
Stevie: Yeah, I'll be-
David: Okay, all right, blippity blop. Blippity blip.

Quote from Jocelyn

Moira: I'm sorry, what kind of event are you hosting this evening?
Roland: Event. Oh, it's more of a soiree.
Jocelyn: He's just teasing. It's our annual Hawaiian night. Pineapples, pig on the spit, the whole nine yards.
Johnny: Oh, you roast pigs?
Jocelyn: We do! We have a big one hanging in the garage.

Quote from Johnny

Roland: Well, I mean, for one thing, you know, the two of you are a little-
Johnny: A little what?
Roland: Hoity-toity. All right, I've said it.
Jocelyn: We didn't think that you'd wanna hang out with "regular people."
Moira: Regular people?! Regular people are how Rose Video became such a-
Johnny: C- Careful, Moira.
Moira: Regular people! I mean, they made us who we were- What am I trying to say?
Johnny: We love regular people. W- We love regular people.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Um, this is just very new to me, so as long as you didn't roll over, and cry yourself to sleep with regret, then we're good, right?
David: No, no, no, I absolutely did that. Just wept for hours in the dark.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: You guys showed.
Twyla: Yeah, why wouldn't we show?
Alexis: Twyla, I love your outfit, you look like a little Georgia peach.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Hey, who turned off Don Ho?

Quote from Roland

Roland: Ooh, Johnny, I gotta tell you, that suit, that's pretty dangerous to wear at a party like this. I just wanna wipe my hands all over that.
Johnny: Oh, you just keep getting funnier.
Roland: I'm not joking though, I really do.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Now, listen, I'm the guy in charge of upholding the law around here, so if you have any ideas about turning me in, you'd just be turning me in to myself.
Jocelyn: Spark it up, Roley! Spark it up.
Roland: You got it, honey.

Quote from Jocelyn

Roland: Well damn, Roses! Let this party begin.
Jocelyn: I'll fire up the cheese fountain!

Quote from David

Ted: So Mutt, did you two criminals do any good for the community today?
Mutt: We washed a car.
David: You washed a car, wow. The judicial system is really cracking down on its delinquents these days, huh?

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: You know what, I just remembered, I have to wake up early tomorrow, I have an early check in.
David: Uh, nobody checks in.
Stevie: Tomorrow someone is, early. Uh, Ted, you have a really special place, and we should all do this again some time.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Whoa, thank you for playing along. I'm sorry, I just had to get out of there, it was like being in an episode of "couples therapy."
David: Okay, wait, this was all a put on, just to get out of dinner?
Stevie: Yeah, I thought you were in on it.
David: Well, you deserve a daytime Emmy for that performance.
Stevie: Thank you, I think so.

Quote from Ted

Ted: So I guess we won't be playing Hedbandz.

Quote from Johnny

David: Okay, well, I think it's about time that you two go to bed. Excuse me.
Johnny: David, I just want you to know that I support this. Not the fact that you're sleeping with a girl, which is great. But you know, I'd be just as happy if you were to bring home one of your guy friends.
David: What are you talking about?
Stevie: Excuse me while I just go draw a warm bath, and plug in my hair dryer.
Johnny: No, no, Stevie. You're a lovely girl, lovely girl. Bit of an edge, but you know, it's growing on me. David, I just want you to know that I endorse all your sexual encounters.


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