Roland: My son lives in a barn in the woods, by choice. He could be the next mayor of this town if he wanted it.
Johnny: My son is pansexual.
Roland: Mm-hmm, I've heard of that. I know what that is. That's, uh, that cookware fetish.
Johnny: No.
Roland: Mm-hmm!
Johnny: No, no.
Roland: No, I read about that.
Johnny: No. He loves everyone. Men, women, women who become men, men who become women. I'm his father, and I always wanted his life to be easy. But, you know, just pick one gender, and maybe, maybe everything would've been less confusing.
Roland: Well, you know, Johnny, when it comes to matters of the heart, we can't tell our kids who to love. Who said that?
Johnny: You did.

Stevie: So, just to be clear, um, I'm a red wine drinker.
David: That's fine.
Stevie: Okay, cool. But, uh, I only drink red wine.
David: Okay.
Stevie: And up until last night I was under the impression that you too only drank red wine. But I guess I was wrong?
David: I see where you're going with this. Um, I do drink red wine. But I also drink white wine.
Stevie: Oh.
David: And I've been known to sample the occasional rosé. And a couple summers back I tried a merlot, that used to be a chardonnay.
Stevie: Uh, okay.
David: Which got a bit complicated.
Stevie: Yeah, so, you're just really open to all wines.
David: I like the wine, and not the label. Does that make sense?

Jocelyn: Moira, I have to ask you, are those wigs real hair? I just wanna reach out and just touch them-
Moira: Oh, please don't. No, Maureen does not like to be manhandled!

Moira: We understand you have found some local friends with whom to spend "time" with.
David: Oh, my God!
Alexis: Okay, I can't deal with this right now-
Moira: And that's fine.
Johnny: But we do have to be careful with our hearts and our parts.
Moira: Because a podunk baby out of wedlock is not something your father and I can afford to negotiate at this moment.
David: Well, that's crazy, because all I want to negotiate right now is some podunk baby out of wedlock!

David: Are you drunk?
Moira: Grass, too much grass.
Johnny: A little bit, but.
Moira: [to Stevie] Hey, track that cycle, missy!

Jocelyn: You have what ifs, like, what if I had enlisted in the military? What if Roland hadn't been such a smooth talker? What-
Moira: Oh man, what if? What if I had not been crowned "Miss Snow Cone" at 16, and moved to the city with my driving instructor?
Jocelyn: Awesome.
Moira: And what if I had not hand modelled at that microwave trade show?
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Moira: What if I didn't ask, who's the eyebrows buying everyone's drinks?
Jocelyn: Wow, now you know.

Alexis: You're quiet today.
Mutt: Am I?
Alexis: It's just that you're not talking, and it's annoying, because I'm bored.
Mutt: Can't we just think and work, or do we always have to talk?
Alexis: Okay, you're being super sketchy and emo right now, what is going on?
Mutt: Have you ever been in a relationship where you find yourself cheating-
Alexis: Yes!
Mutt: With someone in your dreams?
Alexis: Oh, what? Oh. Um, you know that if it's in your dreams, or over the clothes, it's not cheating, right?

Johnny: Is everything okay?
Stevie: Yes, I'm just a little tied up right now.
Johnny: [whispering] Is anyone in there?
Stevie: What? No!
Johnny: [whispering] Are you in danger? Blink if you're in danger.
David: [whispering] Stevie!
Stevie: That's really not necessary.
Johnny: [loudly] Okay well, I'm going back to my room now. [whispering] And I'm gonna call the police!
Stevie: No, Mr. Rose, please don't call the police!
David: Dad, please just take the towels, and go!
Johnny: Oh. Well, I, uh- I've got everything I need. Good seeing you both.

Alexis: Um, okay, so I have to tell you this, um, Ted wants to meet my friends, so I think it's getting kinda serious.
David: It's been two weeks.
Alexis: I know. What's your point, David?! Ugh!

Johnny: You know, the more I think about it, the more I wonder whether David's whole "sexually adventurous" thing was just a phase.
Moira: It's not a phase.
Johnny: Well, you know, he was very influenced in college, all those haircuts.
Moira: It's not a phase, John. The kids are right, we've been talking about them far more than I care to do.