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‘Honeymoon’ Quotes

Schitt's Creek: Honeymoon

110. Honeymoon

Aired March 10, 2015

David and Stevie try to work out where they stand after they spent the night together. Meanwhile, Johnny and Moira try to socialize by attending Roland and Jocelyn's "Hawaiian night", and Ted hosts a dinner party for Alexis's friends.

Quote from Roland

Roland: My son lives in a barn in the woods, by choice. He could be the next mayor of this town if he wanted it.
Johnny: My son is pansexual.
Roland: Mm-hmm, I've heard of that. I know what that is. That's, uh, that cookware fetish.
Johnny: No.
Roland: Mm-hmm!
Johnny: No, no.
Roland: No, I read about that.
Johnny: No. He loves everyone. Men, women, women who become men, men who become women. I'm his father, and I always wanted his life to be easy. But, you know, just pick one gender, and maybe, maybe everything would've been less confusing.
Roland: Well, you know, Johnny, when it comes to matters of the heart, we can't tell our kids who to love. Who said that?
Johnny: You did.

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Quote from David

Stevie: So, just to be clear, um, I'm a red wine drinker.
David: That's fine.
Stevie: Okay, cool. But, uh, I only drink red wine.
David: Okay.
Stevie: And up until last night I was under the impression that you too only drank red wine. But I guess I was wrong?
David: I see where you're going with this. Um, I do drink red wine. But I also drink white wine.
Stevie: Oh.
David: And I've been known to sample the occasional Rosé. And a couple summers back I tried a Merlot, that used to be a Chardonnay.
Stevie: Uh, okay.
David: Which got a bit complicated.
Stevie: Yeah, so, you're just really open to all wines.
David: I like the wine, and not the label. Does that make sense?

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Moira, I have to ask you, are those wigs real hair? I just wanna reach out and just touch them-
Moira: Oh, please don't. No, Maureen does not like to be manhandled!

Quote from Moira

Moira: We understand you have found some local friends with whom to spend "time" with.
David: Oh, my God!
Alexis: Okay, I can't deal with this right now-
Moira: And that's fine.
Johnny: But we do have to be careful with our hearts and our parts.
Moira: Because a podunk baby out of wedlock is not something your father and I can afford to negotiate at this moment.
David: Well, that's crazy, because all I want to negotiate right now is some podunk baby out of wedlock!

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: You have what ifs, like, what if I had enlisted in the military? What if Roland hadn't been such a smooth talker? What-
Moira: Oh man, what if? What if I had not been crowned "Miss Snow Cone" at 16, and moved to the city with my driving instructor?
Jocelyn: Awesome.
Moira: And what if I had not hand modelled at that microwave trade show?
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Moira: What if I didn't ask, who's the eyebrows buying everyone's drinks?
Jocelyn: Wow, now you know.

Quote from Moira

David: Are you drunk?
Moira: Grass, too much grass.
Johnny: A little bit, but.
Moira: [to Stevie] Hey, track that cycle, missy!

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: You're quiet today.
Mutt: Am I?
Alexis: It's just that you're not talking, and it's annoying, because I'm bored.
Mutt: Can't we just think and work, or do we always have to talk?
Alexis: Okay, you're being super sketchy and emo right now, what is going on?
Mutt: Have you ever been in a relationship where you find yourself cheating-
Alexis: Yes!
Mutt: With someone in your dreams?
Alexis: Oh, what? Oh. Um, you know that if it's in your dreams, or over the clothes, it's not cheating, right?

Quote from David

Johnny: Is everything okay?
Stevie: Yes, I'm just a little tied up right now.
Johnny: [whispering] Is anyone in there?
Stevie: What? No!
Johnny: [whispering] Are you in danger? Blink if you're in danger.
David: [whispering] Stevie!
Stevie: That's really not necessary.
Johnny: [loudly] Okay well, I'm going back to my room now. [whispering] And I'm gonna call the police!
Stevie: No, Mr. Rose, please don't call the police!
David: Dad, please just take the towels, and go!
Johnny: Oh. Well, I, uh- I've got everything I need. Good seeing you both.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Um, okay, so I have to tell you this, um, Ted wants to meet my friends, so I think it's getting kinda serious.
David: It's been two weeks.
Alexis: I know. What's your point, David?! Ugh!

Quote from Moira

Johnny: You know, the more I think about it, the more I wonder whether David's whole "sexually adventurous" thing was just a phase.
Moira: It's not a phase.
Johnny: Well, you know, he was very influenced in college, all those haircuts.
Moira: It's not a phase, John. The kids are right, we've been talking about them far more than I care to do.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Look at us, all being together.
Johnny: Yes.
Moira: [to Roland and Jocelyn] Jonathan and I were just saying, wouldn't it be fun to have the mayor and his wife over for cocktails and charades tonight!
Johnny: Yes. Tonight.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Wow, it sounds like, um, quite the evening.
Moira: So whose pig do we have to slaughter to get an invite?
Jocelyn: Oh, my goodness. Well, um, we just didn't think that you and Johnny would wanna come, so...
Moira: Well, that's a touch presumptuous, Jocelyn. Why would we not want to be involved in a themed party in your yard?

Quote from Ted

David: Wow, Ted, the place is very new looking. Did you design the interior?
Ted: Oh, I wish! No, I found this website online that sells off old department store show rooms.
Stevie: So this whole room-
Ted: Just gets delivered, as is. This is the Bachelor's Den here, and then that's the Executive Dining Lounge that I got on Black Friday.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Listen, I don't know if you guys wanna partake in this, because I'm sure your fancy dinner parties didn't have illegal substances.
Moira: Illegal substances. Amateurs. We had friends in the F.D.A, but-
Johnny: When in Rome.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I've been with these people before. I know them all.
Jocelyn: Wow, you've really been getting around town.
Moira: No, I was with them in my other life. I'm gonna tell you something. I'm from a small town, just like this.
Jocelyn: No, I'm not buying that.
Moira: It's true.
Jocelyn: Really? Why would you leave?
Moira: Oh, God, I couldn't wait to get out. I was dying there. Have you never dreamed? Of a life beyond?

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: I had a best friend that hooked. She married one of her Johns on my birthday.
Alexis: Wow, so cool!
Mutt: It's not the time, Twyla.
Alexis: Um, Stevie, I don't think you're a big hooker.
Twyla: You don't talk all dinner, and now you're telling me I can't talk about Trixie?!
Mutt: I'm sorry, it's just I think sometimes you have a tendency to say the wrong thing, that's all.
Twyla: Is there a right time to talk about being a hooker?

Quote from David

David: Okay, so you're not like, raging mad at me, then.
Stevie: No. I think it's fair to say that neither of us have ever worked with a ceiling mirror before.
David: True.
Stevie: It was funny. And a little humiliating.
David: Yeah, I, uh, saw a lot of my body, and I didn't like it.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Oh, hello again. Spending another night together?
David: Dad!
Moira: Oh, Stevie, I hope you're being smart.
Stevie: Oh, my God.
David: Oh, my God.
Moira: Because we can't afford a baby right now, and, let's be honest, neither can you!


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