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40Quotes from ‘Happy Ending’

Schitt's Creek: Happy Ending

614. Happy Ending

Aired April 7, 2020

David stresses out when bad weather upends his wedding plans, but the whole town pulls together to put the ceremony back on.

Quote from Moira

Moira: [sniffles] Good... [voice breaks] Good evening, everyone, welcome to the marriage of Patrick Brewer and David... [voice breaks] David Rose. We are gathered here today to celebrate the love between two people, whose lives were ostensibly brought together by the fated flap of a butterfly wing. It is all but impossible to explain why things happen the way they do. Our lives are like little bébé crows, carried upon a curious wind. And all we can wish, for our families, for those we love, is that that wind will eventually places us on solid ground. And I believe it's done just that for my family here. In this little town. In the middle of nowhere.

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: David, I can't believe this is happening. I'm gonna keep this very short because I think you already know that I would climb a thousand mountains for you. So I'll just say this: you will always be a part of me. [singing] And I'm part of you indefinitely Boy don't you know you can't escape me 'Cause you know you'll always be my baby And we'll linger on Time can't erase a feeling this strong No way you're never gonna shake me Ooh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby

Quote from David

David: Patrick, I've never liked a smile as much as I like yours. I've never felt as safe as I do when I'm with you. [crying] I've never known love, like I have when we're together. It's not been an easy road for me. But... knowing that you will always be there for me at the end of it, makes everything okay. Patrick Brewer, you are my happy ending.
Patrick: [chuckles]

Quote from David

Moira: Patrick, do you take David to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Patrick: I do.
Moira: And David. [voice breaks, shouts] David, do you take Patrick to be your lawfully wedded husband?
David: I do.
Moira: I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may kiss each other.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Wait! Stop the car!
Moira: What is it?
Johnny: Just wanted one last look. Driver, we're ready.
[The camera pans around to reveal the "Welcome to Schitt's Creek sign" has been repainted with Moira and Johnny in place of the "brother and sister". David and Alexis have been added to the background.]

Quote from Ronnie

Ronnie: I know the florist. I can see if she can throw in some extra flowers.
Johnny: Ronnie, you don't seem to realize we don't have the time.
Ronnie: Johnny, when I say I know the florist, I mean, I know the florist.
Johnny: Oh.
Patrick: Yes! Ronnie! That's great! Thank you so much.
Ronnie: I'm doing this for David.
Patrick: Of course you are.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Ah, everybody, I'd like to thank you all for coming out today, and uh helping to save David and Patrick's big day. And on a personal note, I'd like to thank you all... for helping to save my family over these past few years. I don't think we could have gotten through without you all...

Quote from David

Alexis: This might be a stupid question because there is like literally nothing you can do about it, but why didn't you guys get a tent?
Johnny: Not helping, Alexis.
David: Because I wanted the wood-fired pizza oven and we couldn't afford both. Someone has to call the officiant. He's on his way from Elmdale. What happened to Fabian?!
Johnny: He cancelled because of the rain.
Moira: What kind of adult man rides a penny-farthing?
David: He's a haikuist!

Quote from Alexis

David: What is that?
Alexis: Thank you, David. You look very expensive and gorgeous too.
David: It's-it's white. You're wearing a white dress.
Alexis: Duh. It's black and white themed. What was I supposed to show up in pink?
David: Or black! You're wearing a wedding dress to my wedding!
Alexis: This is not a wedding dress. It's a white, floor-length gown. It's very different.
David: Did it come with a veil?
Alexis: No. It came with a headdress.
David: A what?
Alexis: It came with like a white, tulle, headdress, but I thought it overwhelmed the dress so I decided not to wear it.
David: You're walking me down the aisle in a wedding dress. Everyone is gonna think we're getting married to each other. Ugh!

Quote from Jocelyn

[The Jazzagals sing at David and Patrick's wedding:]
Jazzagals: Ohhhh, I was so lost Didn't know what to do with myself I was my own worst enemy I was lost, oh I needed help Then you came along And saw the state I was in You picked me up when I was down Showed me how to live again This is precious love, precious love No I can't let it go This is precious love, and it's teaching me Everything I need to know This is love, love Love, love, love Precious love (Yes) Love, love, love, love Love, precious love Oooohhhhhh

Quote from David

David: Okay, can you please stop doing that? You're making me nervous.
Alexis: I'm sorry. I've just like, I've been thinking a lot about it, and I think you're right.
David: I know. About what?
Alexis: Like, I think I'm wearing a wedding dress.
David: Oh, I know that.
Alexis: I really wanted to impress you today. And now I feel like I'm ruining your wedding.
David: I think you're giving yourself a lot of credit. My wedding was already ruined. But for what it's worth, I am continuously impressed by you. Now can you please walk me down the aisle before people lose interest?
Alexis: Hey, David, it would be my honour.
David: Okay.

Quote from Jocelyn

[The Jazzagals sing at David and Patrick's wedding:]
Jazzagals: Take my heart and make it stronger You're simply the best Ohhh-ooooohh-ohhh Better than all the rest Ohhh-ooooohh-ohhh Better than anyone Ohhh-ooooohh-ohhh Anyone I ever met I'm stuck on your heart I hang on every word you say Ohhh-ooooohh-ohhh Tear us apart Ohhh-ooooohh-ohhh Baby, I would rather be dead You're simply the best

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Well, you did such a great job, sweetheart. I don't know how you do it.
Moira: Oh, someone has to hold it together? There's a time and place for sentimentality, and your only son's wedding day is hardly the moment.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: I'm going to miss you, Mr. and Mrs. Rose.
Moira: Oh.
Johnny: Thank you, Stevie, that's awfully sweet.
Moira: Yes, just as sweet as the liqueur wafting off your breath.
Stevie: I also didn't go to bed last night.
Johnny: You take care of the place, Stevie. And, uh, if you get the chance, Room 7 needs a turn down.
Stevie: Okay.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: [loud cough]
David: [wakes up, gasps] What happened? Who died?
Johnny: Who died?
David: Did Patrick die?
Alexis: No, Patrick didn't die, David.
David: Then why did you startle me awake like this? My mind went straight to some kind of unthinkable tragedy. Like something really, really bad happened.
Johnny: Oh. Imagine.
Moira: Well, the day did have a slight singultus.

Quote from David

David: What is she talking about?
Moira: A hiccup.
David: What hiccup? Who's hiccuping?
Alexis: Okay, David, shush for a minute. There was a big storm last night. And things got a bit wet.
David: How wet?
Johnny: We've been looking into changing venues.
David: Oh my God. To where? Bob's Garage?
Moira: No, his roof was no match for the cumulus clouds.
David: I've woken up in a Black Mirror episode.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Well, David... I-I-I could easily step in here. I have a lot to say about... [getting emotional] my son getting married...
David: Okay. You can barely get through this without crying, so that's a no.
Moira: A note, I did bring the house down at Pat Sajak's first wedding.
David: Oh my God.
Johnny: Oh, I remember that. "Can I buy a vow." [all laugh]
Moira: I had the studio audience wrapped around my finger.

Quote from David

David: Okay. We should've gotten a tent. I didn't need pizza that badly.
Patrick: Wow, let's not get crazy.
David: No, we should have gotten married indoors.
Patrick: You said indoor weddings are tacky.
David: No. I said most weddings are tacky. And they often take place indoors.

Quote from David

Patrick: David, we all know how much the success of this wedding means to you. So we are going to make the absolute best of today, okay? And regardless of how that happens or where that happens, at the end of the day, I am going to kiss that worried-looking face of yours and call you my husband. And that's the only thing that matters.
David: Okay, I just refuse to get married in Roland's living room. I have to draw the line somewhere.
Patrick: Okay. Okay.
David: Besides those carpets do not photograph well.

Quote from David

Patrick: All right, I am heading to the motel to sort all this out with your Dad. In the meantime, I have arranged for a massage to chill you out a little bit. So you can just lie down, relax and not talk until we have a plan, all right?
David: How did you book a massage so last-minute?
Patrick: Oh no, all this was planned weeks ago. Just had a hunch you wouldn't handle stress well today.
David: Okay, I've been handling the stress just fine.
Patrick: You had like three bagels in half an hour.
David: They were a mistake.

Quote from Moira

Moira: "Hello, you. Are-are we all ready to spin the wheel of life today?" Even Vanna White didn't laugh at that one.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Alexis, have I ever told you how bewitching you are. It's a compliment.
Alexis: No. I know. I'm sorry. I'm just feeling like, a little emotional today.
Moira: Is it David? Did he say something to upset you? He can be very cruel, but it's all fear-based, Dear. So please don't take it personally.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Like, soon I won't be able to just like come in here and say hey.
Moira: No, I think you'll be surprised at how quickly you'll appreciate the luxury of privacy.
Alexis: I remember there was like a whole year that we just didn't even see each other.
Moira: That's not true. Unless it was the year I booked that international campaign for Looky-Loo Binoculars.
Alexis: I'm just saying... A part of me feels like... I'm almost glad that we lost the money.
Moira: [forced chuckle] Well, I'm happy you and your feeling are so well acquainted. But you wouldn't be the first hostage to fall in love with their captor.

Quote from Ray

Johnny: Ray, you don't need to be documenting this.
Ray: I was told to capture the day.
Patrick: Ray, I don't think this is a part of the day that anybody is gonna wanna remember.
Ray: Can you say that again for the camera?

Quote from Bob

Twyla: I can free up the café between the lunch and dinner rush.
Bob: Yeah, I guess we could use the garage for parking. We just have to keep a space clear in case Gwen comes back.
Johnny: Well, thanks, Bob, but it's really hard to talk parking when we don't even know where we're holding the thing.

Quote from David

David: I mean, listen, just because I didn't have the Town Hall... on my mood board doesn't mean we still can't have fun. And as long as my husband doesn't stand me up at the altar, I don't care where we get married.
Patrick: Wow. That massage really did a number, huh?
David: Uh, yeah. That was the first time I've ever received a happy ending.
Patrick: I'm sorry, what did you just say?
David: The happy ending that the masseur gave me. I've always heard of things like that, but I've never actually gotten one. Did you have to pay extra for that?
Stevie: [shocked gasp]
Patrick: I didn't pay for a happy ending! I paid for a massage! He gave you a happy ending?! On our wedding day?!
David: I thought you wanted that?!
Stevie: See, this is what Ray should be filming.

Quote from David

Patrick: Why... would I want you to get a happy ending from a stranger on our wedding day, David?
David: You tell me! Because I was stressed out! And you told me that you wanted to de-stress me. I just assumed you knew what you were paying for! I was both shocked and impressed!
Patrick: Oh...
Stevie: Okay, but to be clear, you didn't stop it from happening?
David: Okay, Marcia Clark? Court's adjourned for the day.

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: This is unbelievable. At no point was that ever discussed. All I did, was leave an envelope full of cash and a note that said to take very good care of you. And now that I've said those words out loud, I can see how a certain kind of person would interpret that the wrong way.
Stevie: Okay, but was it good at least?
Patrick: Do not answer that. Was it? Don't.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Oh, Johnny, come on. Just enjoy it, okay? You're gonna be gone soon. You're gonna miss this place.
Johnny: I will be back, Roland. My son still lives here.
Roland: No, I know there is that, but... you are gonna be gone gone soon. Something can fall from the ceiling and just go.... Boom! I'm dead! [laughs]
Johnny: Okay.
Roland: Not me though, I'm prepared. [puts on hard hat]
Johnny: All right.
Roland: Okay, everybody, back to work!

Quote from Stevie

David: Now, Stevie, as my Maid-of-Honor, does it not look like Alexis is wearing a wedding dress?
Alexis: Or just, like, a dress that happens to be white?
Stevie: I don't wanna get involved.
David: You don't have a choice. You work for me today.
Stevie: So much for the massage.
Stevie: I mean, I don't think it's gonna look like a wedding dress unless you guys are standing next to each other.
David: She's walking me down the aisle!
Stevie: I don't think you should worry about it. I'm sure this town has seen far weirder things.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Okay. Everybody chill. My brother is getting married today. Still feels so weird to say that, so drink up, David. It's your big day. And we love you. Right, Stevie?
Stevie: Right.
David: Hm. [glasses clink] Is that a bow in the back?
Alexis: Don't, David.

Quote from David

Johnny: Moira!
Moira: It's 6:00 A.M., John. I'm moving as fast as I can. Hmm. Well, I guess this is it. You know after our goodbyes last night, Roland mentioned a going away gift, I guess he forgot.
Alexis: I personally would not have missed this for the whole wide world.
David: Okay. You're only saying that 'cause you haven't gone to bed yet.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh, the couriers are coming for the bulk of the luggage.
Alexis: Yeah, today.
David: Yes. This afternoon.
Moira: Okay. Make sure the girls are shipped in an...
David & Patrick: Temperature controlled cargo container. Uh-huh.

Quote from David

Johnny: Well, there's one problem solved. So let's leave the rest to me, okay? We have money now and the last thing I want is to leave town with some cheap-ass, soggy wedding.
David: Okay. What if the sun comes out and everything's fine. [thunder booms and rolls] Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Alexis: Yep. Mm-hmm.
David: Where are you going?!
Moira: Somewhere safe.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: I love you very much.
Moira: Okay. Okay.
Alexis: And I'm here if you need any help with your speech.
Moira: No, I'm good, but thank you. Thank you, I needed a moment of levity today.
Alexis: Boop.

Quote from David

David: Either you're very good at this, or the half pill I just took kicked in. Or both. Because I am feeling very calm right now.
Masseuse: Well, that's good, because your neck is like a block of granite.
David: Okay. Are we sure that's not just muscle...
Masseuse: Yes.
David: All right, you answered that too quickly.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Okay, team, we only have a few hours, so we need to act fast.
Ronnie: It's raining. What's the plan?
Johnny: Okay. Well, Roland, you've got some pull here, we need a venue, and don't say...
Roland: Our living room is yours, Johnny.
Jocelyn: And we still have some baby sprinkle decorations gathering dust.
Stevie: Oh, as David's Maid-of-Honor, I'm gonna shut that down on his behalf.

Quote from Patrick

Roland: Well, the closest place to there would be the Town Hall.
Jocelyn: What about the Town Hall, Johnny?
Patrick: I mean, David's gonna have a heart attack, but it... it could work.

Quote from David

Patrick: Okay, David. We've managed to secure a venue for tonight, and I really don't want to hear anything but enthusiasm from you when I tell you.
Stevie: You are shockingly calm for David Rose on his wedding day.
David: I am. So where are we getting married? An indoor parking garage?
Stevie: Those were all full.

Quote from David

David: Okay. I think Stevie and I should probably go get ready. Leave you to put your little suit on.
Patrick: Mm-hmm.
David: Okay? Nothing compares to you. My... husband-to-be. I love you.
Patrick: This is gonna make for a very strange story one day.
David: Oh yeah, absolutely.


 Episode 613