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40Quotes from ‘The Plant’

Schitt's Creek: The Plant

503. The Plant

Aired January 22, 2019

Stevie poses as a guest to talk up the motel to a travel blogger. Meanwhile, Patrick asks David to look at apartments with him, and Jocelyn wishes her friends were more supportive now she's looking after a baby.

Quote from Ray

Patrick: I've actually seen a few photos of this place, it looks pretty good.
David: Yeah, the facade would indicate otherwise, but I trust you on this.
Patrick: Oh. You know, when I moved here and got a room with Ray, I didn't know how long I was gonna be staying.
David: Mmm-hmm.
Patrick: And now here we are.
Ray: For me this is bittersweet because on the one hand, I could lose you as a roommate, Patrick, but on the other, I would gain the commission.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: I'm here! I got a sitter!
Moira: Oh, Jocelyn, I'm afraid that dirigible has ascended.
Jocelyn: But I'm here on time.
Moira: Yes, you are, but we started an hour early. Ronnie has a massage.
Jocelyn: You moved the rehearsal for Ronnie's massage?
Moira: Well, it was also conducive to Twyla's schedule. It's hard for her to juggle, what with the cafe.
Jocelyn: Oh, is it hard for her? To juggle? And none of you here thought to tell me about this little time change?
Moira: You said you couldn't make it because of the bébé.

Quote from Ray

Patrick: Fireplace?
David: Yeah, which I'm sure would heat the room quite quickly, considering it's just one big open space.
Patrick: I like the exposed brick. It's actually a pretty decent size.
David: Yeah. Speaking of size, Ray, I've yet to see a closet. Is there a is there a walk-in that I'm missing?
Ray: Oh, the closet is right over here. This is what small-space realtors refer to as, a "step-in" closet.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Oh, David. We have a V-VIP staying with us at the moment. So do you mind staying at Patrick's tonight? Your vibe can be a bit intense.
David: Um, excuse me? If anything, I'm a selling point. And Patrick's is a no-go. If fact, he just texted me the address of a new apartment that we might be going to see together later, so...
Alexis: Um, did I leave a Q-tip in, or did you just tell me that you guys are getting an apartment together?
David: Hey, we're just going to look.
Alexis: Yeah, and Adam Levine and I just went for bubble tea.

Quote from Roland

Alexis: Look who's back in da house!
Johnny: Safe and sound, Ms. Felmington. Feeling okay about everything?
Stevie: That's a weird thing to say, but yes, I am.
Roland: I turned down your bed for you, but I didn't have any chocolates, so I left a doggie bag of pot roast on your pillow.

Quote from David

Alexis: We are a "must-stay".
Johnny: What?!
Alexis: "The Rosebud Motel is a must-stay for any road-tripper, or weary traveller. This charming, lovingly restored, roadside motel is a welcome pit-stop for anyone looking for a clean room, and first-rate hospitality."
David: Compared to what, a haunted house?
Alexis: "In fact, Johnny Rose and his Guest Services manager, will go almost too far out of their way to ensure a pleasant stay."
David: How do I sign up for this turn-down service? Is there a clipboard, or something?

Quote from Roland

Alexis: Anyway, Emir Kaplan is a very influential travel blogger, so it is of the utmost importance that we all make him feel at home.
Roland: Hmm. Well, if he's looking for that homey feeling, I should just invite him over for dinner. Joce is making pot roast. All he'd have to bring is a couple of sides, a bottle of wine, and something nice for the house. Nothing cheap.

Quote from Alexis

Johnny: Well, I don't want to second guess your publicity skills here, Alexis, but I don't think it would hurt to tilt the scales in our favour. When we wanted to impress people at Rose Video...
Roland: [groans] Okay. Coffee break.
Johnny: We'd sometimes hire actors who would come in as plants, pretending to be...
Alexis: Customers! Yes! Walk around, talk up whatever they're paid to talk up. I know, I was once paid to talk up Heartblaster Energy Drink at a Third Eye Blind concert.

Quote from Alexis

Stevie: I'm pretty sure we don't have the budget for actors.
Roland: I mean, if you're looking to pay some guy to lie about how great this motel is, I'm happy to step in.
Johnny: Do we need Roland?
Alexis: Stevie! You can be the plant. You look like someone who just wandered in off the road.
Stevie: Thanks.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: And Johnny can be our Manager.
Johnny: Okay, first of all, you've gotta stop with the Johnny business, okay? And secondly, I am the Manager.
Alexis: Okay, well, you should probably start getting into character, then. Okay, thanks.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Knock, knock, everybody decent?
David: Oh, my God!
Patrick: Once again, Ray, saying "knock knock" is not the same thing as actually knocking.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Knock knock!
David: Holy fuck.
Ray: I realized I don't have eggs, but I do have pancake mix. How do we feel about that?
David: Four, please.
Ray: David, you're constantly talking about how much you eat. But I've seen you walk from the bedroom to the shower, and you look fine.

Quote from Moira

Moira: And Zeljko says, "You eat, you expire pleasured." You expire pleasured.
Twyla: Okay. What are we talking about today? More Bosnia stories?
Ronnie: Yep, she never seems to run out of 'em.
Moira: Twyla, do you think it might be too much of an imposition to ask the chef to whip me up a kifla?
Twyla: What's a kifla?
Moira: Oh, how best to describe it.
Ronnie: I don't think you need to.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Hi, y'all! Oh, Ronnie, Moira, I see you've ordered without me, makes sense, because I was seven minutes late!
Moira: Well, we've yet to put in our kifla order, if you're peckish.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Well, I just feel bad because we really need to rehearse that Nine Inch Nails medley for our concert at "Yarn for Cheap."
Moira: I'd be more than happy to spearhead that effort, Jocelyn. After collaborating so closely with the director on "Crows," I feel even more finely attuned to the fluctuations of the human condition.
Jocelyn: Okay, it's just, I thought that was sort of my...
Moira: Even if you miss a performance, Jocelyn, there will be others!

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Welcome to the Rosebud Motel, Mr. Kaplan. Johnny Rose, and it's a pleasure to, uh...
Alexis: Johnny is our Manager, so just let me know if you need anything from him. And this is Roland, he is our Guest Services Liaison.
Roland: Yes, and it's actually pronounced "lee-as-on." And my name is actually pronounced "Ro-lahnd." And if there's anything you need, please tell me. Room service, turn-down service, valet service...
Johnny: Okay, Rolahnd, those are a few items that might be tricky to pull off, but we do have coffee and pastries every morning.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: I think you're really gonna like it here. It's clean, and the service is good. Yeah. Anyway, I'm just staying here as a guest.
Mr. Kaplan: It's always good to know who your neighbours are in a place like this, you know, it's kind of a roll of the dice, but, uh, you seem somewhat normal.
Stevie: Thank you for saying that. Everyone agreed that I was the normal one in my cell-block at the women's prison, so.
Mr. Kaplan: Oh, wow. Which prison? Maybe you know my wife. I don't -I'm kidding. I don't have a wife. Anymore.
Stevie: Oh, disappeared?
Mr. Kaplan: I'll never stop looking.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh, my God, so moody. Love it! Now, Ronnie? The line has been changed to, "I want to kiss you like an animal."
Ronnie: I'll remember it on the day.
Moira: I say we wrap things up on a high. Ladies, scour your closets for black leather. Pleather accepted.

Quote from Jocelyn

Twyla: We could start rehearsal over.
Jocelyn: Oh, no! Don't make any changes on my account, I mean, you've gotta get to the cafe, and Ronnie's gotta have a massage!
Ronnie: I have sciatica.
Jocelyn: I ran all over town looking for a babysitter.
Moira: Oh.
Jocelyn: Pulled a number off a telephone pole. She's a pet sitter, but she said she'd make an exception. I don't even know her last name!
Moira: Jocelyn, that sounds dangersome.
Jocelyn: I didn't wanna miss this rehearsal! But do any of you care? Apparently not! Because all of you have been acting like bunch of b-words!

Quote from Roland

Roland: Hey, Johnny? Our VIP is still in his room, so we should probably hold off on the turn-down service.
Johnny: What turn-down service?
Roland: Oh, that's just a little something I've initiated now that I'm Guest Services Manager.
Johnny: I thought you were a liaison.
Roland: No, I gave myself a promotion.

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: Okay, okay, well, Ronnie. I know that you've been getting a lot of massages lately, because they're supposed to help with your bad back, and stabilize your mood, but I haven't noticed an improvement! And sometimes you sing too softly.
Ronnie: Agree to disagree.
Jocelyn: And Twyla-
Twyla: I'm sorry, I'll sing louder.
Jocelyn: Nope, you are singing too loud.
Moira: Wonderful, let it out, Jocelyn.
Jocelyn: And Moira.
Moira: Okay, we can stop it there for today.
Jocelyn: We are all sick and tired of hearing about Bosnia.
Ronnie: Yep.
Jocelyn: It's Bosnia this, and "Crows" that, and Blajka...
Moira: We're just grasping at straws now, Jocelyn. But this has been a fruitful exercise, don't we all feel better? Look at Twyla, look how moved she is.

Quote from Ray

Ray: As you can see, this is open concept.
David: Oh, wow.
Patrick: It's good, eh, David?
David: I thought this was the penthouse.
Ray: Uh, it is the top floor of three floors.
David: You said this was a one bedroom.
Ray: It is, in the sense that it's a one - bed - room. Any more beds, and you'd be in trouble. Although bunk beds can be fun.

Quote from David

Patrick: I mean, I know it's like the first place that we've looked at, but there's just something very homey about it to me.
David: Yeah, a sentiment shared by inmates, after their first couple years in jail.
Patrick: Okay, so you hate it.
David: No. No. No, it's just if I've learned anything from "House Hunters", you always to see the loft space, the charming English cottage, and the renovated craftsman that you don't really wanna take, but the producers are gonna force you to see anyway, before you make any major decisions.
Ray: Gentlemen, I have one more thing to show you.
David: How are we still on this fucking tour?!

Quote from David

Patrick: Wait, does this mean that you were ready to move in with me?
David: No.
Patrick: No?
David: No, it's a closet space, and a timing thing.
Patrick: Uh-huh.
David: Yeah. So you know, maybe we can negotiate down the line at some point.

Quote from Ray

Ray: I can barely hear your conversation. Are we sure we want the door?
David: Are you sure?
Patrick: Up to you.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: There's a little piece of press you might wanna read.
Moira: Oh, if I've died again, I swear to God!

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: First of all, welcome to my office. Now I think we all know that most VIP guests wouldn't be caught dead at a motel like this, no offence. But I have been able to secure a V-VIP guest.
Johnny: Well, I'd go out on a limb and say all of our guests are very important, Alexis.
Alexis: That's cute.

Quote from David

David: Okay, I thought you were gonna talk to him about this. I let very few people see me before 9:00 AM.
Patrick: I did. The "knock knock" is him taking the note.
David: Well, you might want to invest in a "lock lock" then.

Quote from Ray

David: Ray: Gentlemen, you're gonna laugh, but I just remembered, we do have eggs. They're in the pantry, next to the pancake mix, which means they've been sitting out for days. Are we feeling lucky?
David: Can I still have the pancakes?
Ray: Yes!
Patrick: Ray!
Ray: Patrick?
Patrick: Door closed.
Ray: Of course.

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: And don't worry about your solo, Jocelyn. I know it by heart. I actually sing it quietly every time you do it.
Jocelyn: I know, Twyla. And it's not that quiet. [baby wails]
Ronnie: Aw, it looks like somebody's up.
Moira: No rest for the wicked.
Jocelyn: Well, these days, either he's crying, or I am. Okay. See you l-l-later. Bye! Bye! I'll get the door. I'm sorry. Excuse me.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Rolahnd, why don't you show Mr. Kaplan to his room?
Roland: Oh yes, formidab-le. If you would, uh, how do you say, um, voulez-vous with me please. I'll show you to your room.

Quote from David

David: I'm feeling very apprehensive about the whole thing, like, I never saw myself living with someone.
Alexis: That makes total sense, considering how nobody you dated ever expressed any interest in that.
David: I'm pretty sure I can think of someone. By the end of the day, so.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: David, I think this could be good for you guys. And also I know you're thinking like, Alexis is becoming a major girl boss, and is she just saying this so she can expand her home office when I move out?
David: I actually wasn't thinking that at all.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Hey, Stevie, what's the intel?
Stevie: Uh well, I had a nap, then a beer, and now I need $40.
Roland: What are you doing, buying a wedding dress?

Quote from Roland

Stevie: Uh, Emir would like me to go to lunch with him.
Johnny: What? No! You don't have to do that!
Roland: Oh, jeez.
Stevie: It's fine, it's just lunch.
Johnny: No, Stevie, this is going way too far.
Alexis: [enters] Um, what's going on?
Roland: Oh, Johnny's forcing Stevie into a very uncomfortable situation with a strange man.

Quote from Stevie

Roland: Stevie, I would go in your place, it's just, my afternoon is gonna be kinda crazy with all the turndowns.
Stevie: No, I want to go! So can I just have the $50?
Johnny: I thought it was $40.
Stevie: I also need shampoo.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Okay, you're telling me that you review motels for a living, and you've never met anyone?
Mr. Kaplan: Okay, this may shock you, but, uh, a lot of the people that you meet in motels are not exactly like...
Stevie: Not like what?
Mr. Kaplan: Well, they're not like you.
Stevie: Oh, yeah. Smart, charming, dazzling sense of humour?
Mr. Kaplan: I was gonna say modest, but...

Quote from Stevie

Mr. Kaplan: Okay, I don't even know where to start with this menu.
Stevie: I'm a plant.
Mr. Kaplan: I'm sorry?
Stevie: You were talking about never knowing what's genuine, and uh I can't keep this up. I work at the motel, and my coworkers thought it would be a good idea for me to like, talk up the motel. Uh, but the more we talked, the worse I felt.
Mr. Kaplan: So you cracked before we even ordered drinks?
Stevie: Yeah. It turns out I'm really bad at this.

Quote from Moira

Moira: It's not top secret, we all know Jocelyn has trouble being honest.
Jocelyn: Do we all know that?
Moira: Wrong word, okay. Authentic.
Jocelyn: I think I can take it from here, Moira.
Moira: All right, then.
Jocelyn: Gals, since the baby, things have just been really tough.
Moira: That's good, that's good, expand on that.
Jocelyn: Okay, and I feel like sometimes that my voice isn't being heard in this group.
Moira: Touch louder, Jocelyn.
Jocelyn: Just because I don't ask for your help, doesn't mean that I don't need it!
Moira: Just a little more specific, we're all here to help you.

Quote from Ray

Ray: You'll thank me later, but, uh, no more worrying about door open, door closed. All you have to do is open the curtain to the bathroom!
David: Ray, can we just have a moment?
Ray: Absolutely. I'll just wait in the bathroom. Curtain open, or curtain closed?
David: Oh, closed!
Patrick: Closed, I think.


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