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‘The Plant’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Schitt's Creek: The Plant

503. The Plant

Aired January 22, 2019

Stevie poses as a guest to talk up the motel to a travel blogger. Meanwhile, Patrick asks David to look at apartments with him, and Jocelyn wishes her friends were more supportive now she's looking after a baby.

Quote from Ray

Patrick: I've actually seen a few photos of this place, it looks pretty good.
David: Yeah, the facade would indicate otherwise, but I trust you on this.
Patrick: Oh. You know, when I moved here and got a room with Ray, I didn't know how long I was gonna be staying.
David: Mmm-hmm.
Patrick: And now here we are.
Ray: For me this is bittersweet because on the one hand, I could lose you as a roommate, Patrick, but on the other, I would gain the commission.

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Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: I'm here! I got a sitter!
Moira: Oh, Jocelyn, I'm afraid that dirigible has ascended.
Jocelyn: But I'm here on time.
Moira: Yes, you are, but we started an hour early. Ronnie has a massage.
Jocelyn: You moved the rehearsal for Ronnie's massage?
Moira: Well, it was also conducive to Twyla's schedule. It's hard for her to juggle, what with the cafe.
Jocelyn: Oh, is it hard for her? To juggle? And none of you here thought to tell me about this little time change?
Moira: You said you couldn't make it because of the bébé.

Quote from Ray

Patrick: Fireplace?
David: Yeah, which I'm sure would heat the room quite quickly, considering it's just one big open space.
Patrick: I like the exposed brick. It's actually a pretty decent size.
David: Yeah. Speaking of size, Ray, I've yet to see a closet. Is there a is there a walk-in that I'm missing?
Ray: Oh, the closet is right over here. This is what small-space realtors refer to as, a "step-in" closet.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Oh, David. We have a V-VIP staying with us at the moment. So do you mind staying at Patrick's tonight? Your vibe can be a bit intense.
David: Um, excuse me? If anything, I'm a selling point. And Patrick's is a no-go. If fact, he just texted me the address of a new apartment that we might be going to see together later, so...
Alexis: Um, did I leave a Q-tip in, or did you just tell me that you guys are getting an apartment together?
David: Hey, we're just going to look.
Alexis: Yeah, and Adam Levine and I just went for bubble tea.

Quote from Roland

Alexis: Look who's back in da house!
Johnny: Safe and sound, Ms. Felmington. Feeling okay about everything?
Stevie: That's a weird thing to say, but yes, I am.
Roland: I turned down your bed for you, but I didn't have any chocolates, so I left a doggie bag of pot roast on your pillow.

Quote from Roland

Alexis: Anyway, Emir Kaplan is a very influential travel blogger, so it is of the utmost importance that we all make him feel at home.
Roland: Hmm. Well, if he's looking for that homey feeling, I should just invite him over for dinner. Joce is making pot roast. All he'd have to bring is a couple of sides, a bottle of wine, and something nice for the house. Nothing cheap.

Quote from Alexis

Johnny: Well, I don't want to second guess your publicity skills here, Alexis, but I don't think it would hurt to tilt the scales in our favour. When we wanted to impress people at Rose Video...
Roland: [groans] Okay. Coffee break.
Johnny: We'd sometimes hire actors who would come in as plants, pretending to be...
Alexis: Customers! Yes! Walk around, talk up whatever they're paid to talk up. I know, I was once paid to talk up Heartblaster Energy Drink at a Third Eye Blind concert.

Quote from Alexis

Stevie: I'm pretty sure we don't have the budget for actors.
Roland: I mean, if you're looking to pay some guy to lie about how great this motel is, I'm happy to step in.
Johnny: Do we need Roland?
Alexis: Stevie! You can be the plant. You look like someone who just wandered in off the road.
Stevie: Thanks.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: And Johnny can be our Manager.
Johnny: Okay, first of all, you've gotta stop with the Johnny business, okay? And secondly, I am the Manager.
Alexis: Okay, well, you should probably start getting into character, then. Okay, thanks.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Knock, knock, everybody decent?
David: Oh, my God!
Patrick: Once again, Ray, saying "knock knock" is not the same thing as actually knocking.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Knock knock!
David: Holy fuck.
Ray: I realized I don't have eggs, but I do have pancake mix. How do we feel about that?
David: Four, please.
Ray: David, you're constantly talking about how much you eat. But I've seen you walk from the bedroom to the shower, and you look fine.

Quote from Moira

Moira: And Zeljko says, "You eat, you expire pleasured." You expire pleasured.
Twyla: Okay. What are we talking about today? More Bosnia stories?
Ronnie: Yep, she never seems to run out of 'em.
Moira: Twyla, do you think it might be too much of an imposition to ask the chef to whip me up a kifla?
Twyla: What's a kifla?
Moira: Oh, how best to describe it.
Ronnie: I don't think you need to.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Hi, y'all! Oh, Ronnie, Moira, I see you've ordered without me, makes sense, because I was seven minutes late!
Moira: Well, we've yet to put in our kifla order, if you're peckish.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Well, I just feel bad because we really need to rehearse that Nine Inch Nails medley for our concert at "Yarn for Cheap."
Moira: I'd be more than happy to spearhead that effort, Jocelyn. After collaborating so closely with the director on "Crows," I feel even more finely attuned to the fluctuations of the human condition.
Jocelyn: Okay, it's just, I thought that was sort of my...
Moira: Even if you miss a performance, Jocelyn, there will be others!

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Welcome to the Rosebud Motel, Mr. Kaplan. Johnny Rose, and it's a pleasure to, uh...
Alexis: Johnny is our Manager, so just let me know if you need anything from him. And this is Roland, he is our Guest Services Liaison.
Roland: Yes, and it's actually pronounced "lee-as-on." And my name is actually pronounced "Ro-lahnd." And if there's anything you need, please tell me. Room service, turn-down service, valet service...
Johnny: Okay, Rolahnd, those are a few items that might be tricky to pull off, but we do have coffee and pastries every morning.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: I think you're really gonna like it here. It's clean, and the service is good. Yeah. Anyway, I'm just staying here as a guest.
Mr. Kaplan: It's always good to know who your neighbours are in a place like this, you know, it's kind of a roll of the dice, but, uh, you seem somewhat normal.
Stevie: Thank you for saying that. Everyone agreed that I was the normal one in my cell-block at the women's prison, so.
Mr. Kaplan: Oh, wow. Which prison? Maybe you know my wife. I don't -I'm kidding. I don't have a wife. Anymore.
Stevie: Oh, disappeared?
Mr. Kaplan: I'll never stop looking.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh, my God, so moody. Love it! Now, Ronnie? The line has been changed to, "I want to kiss you like an animal."
Ronnie: I'll remember it on the day.
Moira: I say we wrap things up on a high. Ladies, scour your closets for black leather. Pleather accepted.

Quote from Jocelyn

Twyla: We could start rehearsal over.
Jocelyn: Oh, no! Don't make any changes on my account, I mean, you've gotta get to the cafe, and Ronnie's gotta have a massage!
Ronnie: I have sciatica.
Jocelyn: I ran all over town looking for a babysitter.
Moira: Oh.
Jocelyn: Pulled a number off a telephone pole. She's a pet sitter, but she said she'd make an exception. I don't even know her last name!
Moira: Jocelyn, that sounds dangersome.
Jocelyn: I didn't wanna miss this rehearsal! But do any of you care? Apparently not! Because all of you have been acting like bunch of b-words!

Quote from Roland

Roland: Hey, Johnny? Our VIP is still in his room, so we should probably hold off on the turn-down service.
Johnny: What turn-down service?
Roland: Oh, that's just a little something I've initiated now that I'm Guest Services Manager.
Johnny: I thought you were a liaison.
Roland: No, I gave myself a promotion.

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: Okay, okay, well, Ronnie. I know that you've been getting a lot of massages lately, because they're supposed to help with your bad back, and stabilize your mood, but I haven't noticed an improvement! And sometimes you sing too softly.
Ronnie: Agree to disagree.
Jocelyn: And Twyla-
Twyla: I'm sorry, I'll sing louder.
Jocelyn: Nope, you are singing too loud.
Moira: Wonderful, let it out, Jocelyn.
Jocelyn: And Moira.
Moira: Okay, we can stop it there for today.
Jocelyn: We are all sick and tired of hearing about Bosnia.
Ronnie: Yep.
Jocelyn: It's Bosnia this, and "Crows" that, and Blajka...
Moira: We're just grasping at straws now, Jocelyn. But this has been a fruitful exercise, don't we all feel better? Look at Twyla, look how moved she is.

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