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‘The Job Interview’ Quotes

Schitt's Creek: The Job Interview

603. The Job Interview

Aired January 21, 2020

When Stevie applies for a job at a local airline, David wants to prove he is the more worthy applicant. Meanwhile, Alexis and Ted's long-distance relationship is strained, and Johnny and Roland seek out a wealthy investor in the form of Bob.

Quote from Ted

Alexis: Well, I guess if this is what you look like after finding some gross fly, I can forgive you for being away for so long.
Ted: [on Skype] I've actually been bench pressing 100-pound tortoises because there's no gym here.
Alexis: Ted! Stop making me jealous of turtles.
Ted: Tortoises, but I do have "tur-tell" you that I've been thinking about you, a lot, especially at nighttime.

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Quote from Roland

Johnny: Look, there must be something we can do here. I ran a major business for 30 years.
Roland: Yeah, and look at the way this guy bounced back from total financial ruin.
Johnny: You know, there was a day when banks would provide loans based solely on their faith in a very solid business idea.
Loan Officer: That's gonna be a tough sell to my boss. We don't offer faith-based loans.
Roland: Okay, uh, I did not wanna play this card, but... I will. I am the mayor.
Loan Officer: You already mentioned that.
Roland: 'Kay, did I mention I went steady with your mom?
Loan Officer: Unfortunately, you did.
Roland: Okay, then I'm out. I got nothing.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Alexis! Your father and I are going to meet for a celebratory lunch when he's done at the bank, and... I was supposed to invite you to join us.
Alexis: Yeah, I'm a little busy.
Moira: What in God's name do you have there? Please tell me it's not a Testudine.
Alexis: No, it's a turtle.
Moira: Alexis! Turtles do not pets make. The poor things are riddled with a myriad of diseases. You may as well tie a leash around a raw chicken cutlet.

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: My mom had a turtle dove that was eaten by her ex-fiancé's snake. That was a bad sign.
Alexis: Oh my God.
Twyla: And it happened on Valentine's Day.
Alexis: Mm.
Twyla: And her fiancé was a Satanist.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: All the blogs about successful long-term relationships say that the key is creating shared experiences.
Moira: Oh dear. If your coupling is too frangible to survive this brief disunion...
Alexis: Okay, I am trying my best. Is this supposed to be making me feel better?
Moira: Oh, very well. Alexis, if you desire a love with longevity, the key is to have as little in common as possible. After an award-worthy trilogy of decades together, your father and I still astonish each other. Although today, I will but feign surprise when he tells me he's secured a hefty loan to initiate our imminent connecting departure from this lengthy layover.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Now is this look comfortable for you, or uncomfortable?
David: Uh, you dress for the job you want.
Stevie: So you wanna be a youth pastor?
David: Hi. Wow. While, that joke was surprisingly sharp, these are Patrick's clothes. So, you might wanna tell that to my fiancé's face.

Quote from Ted

Ted: [on Skype] I-I can see you! Can you see me?
Alexis: Finally! How many days has it been?
Ted: Yeah, sorry about that. We ended up having to extend our research trip. But it was totally worth it because we discovered a new breed of fly that mates with itself.
Alexis: Yummm!

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: I need you to help me... put together an outfit. 'Kay, I have a job interview this afternoon and I need to look professional.
David: So, does that mean you're officially leaving the motel?
Stevie: No. just, I don't know, I'm just, you know, trying to see what's out there. And Larry Air is hosting an open call for employment opportunities.
David: Okay, "Larrierre" sounds like a dollar-store perfume.
Stevie: It's an airline. Larry is the name of the CEO. He used to own a chain of delis, but then he sold them to buy a bunch of planes.
David: Hm.
Stevie: I get to travel, see the world.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: I think the pitch for the new motel went well. If all goes to plan, we should be able to move forward even without Stevie.
Roland: I want you to know, Johnny, I am not gonna abandon you like she did.
Johnny: Stevie didn't abandon us.
Roland: Well, jump ship. Look, origami!

Quote from Roland

Loan Officer: The bank has assessed that you don't have enough assets to secure the loan.
Johnny: I have assets. I'm invested in the motel.
Loan Officer: Which doesn't appear to be in your name.
Johnny: That's right, it's in my partner's name.
Loan Officer: So, you're Stevie Budd?
Stevie: [chuckles] No. Believe it or not, that's actually a woman's name.

Quote from David

David: Mm. "Larry Air, recent improvements: all chairs will have tray tables, not just first class." [simpering chuckle] I feel like I'm flying on the Concorde.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Well, she said there was nothing she could do. Apparently, I don't have enough assets.
Roland: Yeah, she said apparently Johnny doesn't have enough assets.
Johnny: Yeah, and the problem is, how do you get assets... without the loan?
Roland: But the the problem is, how do you get assets without a loan?
Johnny: Roland, you're not adding anything to the sentence, you're just repeating what I said.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Anyway, I don't know how long this will set us back, Moira. Could be another year or two before we make any headway.
Moira: Oh, surely there's some penny-wise townsperson with a hidden rainy-day reservoir.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Well, you know, uh, I don't wanna be the town gossip here, but, uh, the other day, I got a look at Bob's financial statement on his desk in the office, and that garage is doing great! Plus, he got plugs last year, but... you didn't hear that from me.

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: You know, come to think of it, Gwen has been coming to rehearsal in those fancy yoga clothes. Those are not cheap. I know because I buy the knockoffs, and they're not cheap.

Quote from Alexis

Twyla: Hey, Alexis. Another green smoothie, no greens?
Alexis: Um... yeah, if you're making one.
Twyla: No. I'm asking if you want one.
Alexis: [sighs] Okay, Twy, I didn't like leave anything behind when I popped by earlier, did I?
Twyla: I don't think so, but if you tell me what you lost, I can ask George if anyone turned it in?
Alexis: No, it's, it's nothing. It's just a turtle.
Twyla: What?
Alexis: His name is Ted and he's gone. And I can't remember where I put him, and I thought it was in the motel, but he could've like crawled out of my purse when I brought him by the cafe earlier.
Twyla: Okay. Turtles are actually kind of like huge health hazards, so when did you last see him?
Alexis: 'Kay, it's been weeks. But between the patchy Wi-Fi and like the ten-day nature trips, and me being alone here, kind of feels like he left the day that he flew to the Galapagos.
Twyla: The turtle flew to the Galapagos?
Alexis: No, Ted the turtle is missing, I am now talking about my boyfriend Ted, Twy. It'd be great if you could keep up.
Twyla: Right. Sorry.
Alexis: The slowest animal on earth escaped from me. That can't not be a bad sign.

Quote from Alexis

Twyla: I think you guys are just going through a tough time. But... who knows? Maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised by how much closer this brings the two of you. And if it makes you feel any better, turtles actually thrive out of captivity.
Alexis: Thanks, Twy. Oh, and if you do see Ted like waddling around in the kitchen, just feed him a carrot and shoot me a text.
Twyla: [laughs] I hope you're joking.
Alexis: Me too, girl. [air kiss] Love you!

Quote from David

David: Yeah, hi, Carol? Uh, it's just that some of us drove some of the other applicants here, so it might just be easier if we all just moved forward into the next round.
Carol: I think it's best if you wait in the hall.
David: Okay. I'll be taking some of these complimentary peanuts then.
Carol: Oh, as I pointed out, nothing is complimentary on Larry Air.
David: I'm taking the peanuts, Carol!

Quote from Moira

Moira: Speaking of yummy opportunities. John, were you able to return Bill and Melinda's call today about the hmm hmm-hmm?
Johnny: Well, you know, Moira, we're not supposed to be discussing investment opportunities at the table, no matter how lucrative they might be.
Moira: But you know what the Gateses are like - Bill and Melinda. You know, they're expecting your call about... [loud whisper] the investment.
Johnny: Yeah.
Bob: Wow! You know Bill Gates?
Moira: Oh, who doesn't? But you're right, Bob, why gild their lilies when there might be someone right under our noses looking for a lucrative venture?

Quote from Ted

Twyla: Good evening, Ms. Rose. The other member of your party has already been seated.
Ted: [on Skype] Oh, hi.
Alexis: Ted! What is this?
Ted: Well, I couldn't let our anniversary go without a celebration. Just because we're not in the same city doesn't mean that we can't go on a date.
Alexis: And you're wearing the little tie with your short-sleeved shirt. My little Galapo-guy.
Ted: Yeah, it's actually really hot here, so the bottom half is just my bathing suit and flip-flops.
Alexis: [gasps] Ted! More about your bottom half, please!
Ted: Twyla's not standing right behind you, is she?
Twyla: Hi, Ted.

Quote from Ted

Ted: [on Skype] Alexis, I'm sorry for dropping the ball on our calls. I thought that we would have Wi-Fi on the trip and we didn't, so... the rest of the team just had to listen to me talk about you for seven days. In fact, they actually named the new fly "Alexis."
Alexis: The fly that mates with itself?
Ted: Yeah, I think the important thing is that, now, I have a little Alexis here with me, just buzzing around.
Alexis: I'm just like so happy to see your face.
Ted: Me too.
Alexis: Boop.
Ted: Boop.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Okay, John, I'm going to throw another name at you: Ronnie. Owns her own business, no kids. Clearly doesn't spend any money on herself.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I'm, I'm sorry, I'm, I'm not comprehending.
Roland: We... are buying into the business. Say hello to your new business partners.
Moira: Oh, well, if that's not cause for alcohol I don't know what is.


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