Moira: Alexis! Your father and I are going to meet for a celebratory lunch when he's done at the bank, and... I was supposed to invite you to join us.
Alexis: Yeah, I'm a little busy.
Moira: What in God's name do you have there? Please tell me it's not a Testudine.
Alexis: No, it's a turtle.
Moira: Alexis! Turtles do not pets make. The poor things are riddled with a myriad of diseases. You may as well tie a leash around a raw chicken cutlet.

Twyla: My mom had a turtle dove that was eaten by her ex-fiancé's snake. That was a bad sign.
Alexis: Oh my God.
Twyla: And it happened on Valentine's Day.
Alexis: Mm.
Twyla: And her fiancé was a Satanist.

Alexis: Well, I guess if this is what you look like after finding some gross fly, I can forgive you for being away for so long.
Ted: [on Skype] I've actually been bench pressing 100-pound tortoises because there's no gym here.
Alexis: Ted! Stop making me jealous of turtles.
Ted: Tortoises, but I do have "tur-tell" you that I've been thinking about you, a lot, especially at nighttime.

Johnny: Look, there must be something we can do here. I ran a major business for 30 years.
Roland: Yeah, and look at the way this guy bounced back from total financial ruin.
Johnny: You know, there was a day when banks would provide loans based solely on their faith in a very solid business idea.
Loan Officer: That's gonna be a tough sell to my boss. We don't offer faith-based loans.
Roland: Okay, uh, I did not wanna play this card, but... I will. I am the mayor.
Loan Officer: You already mentioned that.
Roland: 'Kay, did I mention I went steady with your mom?
Loan Officer: Unfortunately, you did.
Roland: Okay, then I'm out. I got nothing.

Alexis: All the blogs about successful long-term relationships say that the key is creating shared experiences.
Moira: Oh dear. If your coupling is too frangible to survive this brief disunion...
Alexis: Okay, I am trying my best. Is this supposed to be making me feel better?
Moira: Oh, very well. Alexis, if you desire a love with longevity, the key is to have as little in common as possible. After an award-worthy trilogy of decades together, your father and I still astonish each other. Although today, I will but feign surprise when he tells me he's secured a hefty loan to initiate our imminent connecting departure from this lengthy layover.

Stevie: Now is this look comfortable for you, or uncomfortable?
David: Uh, you dress for the job you want.
Stevie: So you wanna be a youth pastor?
David: Hi. Wow. While, that joke was surprisingly sharp, these are Patrick's clothes. So, you might wanna tell that to my fiancé's face.

Ted: [on Skype] I-I can see you! Can you see me?
Alexis: Finally! How many days has it been?
Ted: Yeah, sorry about that. We ended up having to extend our research trip. But it was totally worth it because we discovered a new breed of fly that mates with itself.
Alexis: Yummm!

Stevie: I need you to help me... put together an outfit. 'Kay, I have a job interview this afternoon and I need to look professional.
David: So, does that mean you're officially leaving the motel?
Stevie: No. just, I don't know, I'm just, you know, trying to see what's out there. And Larry Air is hosting an open call for employment opportunities.
David: Okay, "Larrierre" sounds like a dollar-store perfume.
Stevie: It's an airline. Larry is the name of the CEO. He used to own a chain of delis, but then he sold them to buy a bunch of planes.
David: Hm.
Stevie: I get to travel, see the world.

Johnny: I think the pitch for the new motel went well. If all goes to plan, we should be able to move forward even without Stevie.
Roland: I want you to know, Johnny, I am not gonna abandon you like she did.
Johnny: Stevie didn't abandon us.
Roland: Well, jump ship. Look, origami!

Loan Officer: The bank has assessed that you don't have enough assets to secure the loan.
Johnny: I have assets. I'm invested in the motel.
Loan Officer: Which doesn't appear to be in your name.
Johnny: That's right, it's in my partner's name.
Loan Officer: So, you're Stevie Budd?
Stevie: [chuckles] No. Believe it or not, that's actually a woman's name.