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33Quotes from ‘Baby Sprinkle’

Schitt's Creek: Baby Sprinkle

410. Baby Sprinkle

Aired March 27, 2018

Jocelyn asks David to throw her a baby shower. Meanwhile, Alexis runs into an old friend, and Johnny and Moira attend a singles' event.

Quote from Moira

Ricki: Often times in these situations, I ask a participant to go within, and to reflect why she might be having trouble connecting.
Moira: Connecting is my livelihood. No, it's these discount locks. I've tried every other one. [The single man from earlier waves to Moira] Ooh! You know what, John? You're right, we should go. Jocelyn has that bébé thing. Rene, pleasure as always.

Quote from David

David: Okay, now this game is called sleepy mommy. Jocelyn's sitting on the couch, she's our sleepy mommy. Now mommy's had a very hard day with baby, and needs a bit of a break. And that's where we come in. We're each gonna take turns popping pills into mommy's mouth. Now unfortunately, these are breath mints, we couldn't afford actual benzo's, but the person that does get the most tranqs into mommy's mouth, will walk away with whatever's left of the soft cheese station.

Quote from David

Patrick: What's goin' on?
David: Well, um, Jocelyn came in here this morning looking like Adam Sandler on a red carpet. Poor thing is planning her own baby shower, so I volunteered to help.

Quote from Patrick

David: She basically forced me into it! This isn't even her first baby!
Patrick: Oh, so it's more of a sprinkle, then.
David: What the hell is a sprinkle?
Patrick: No, it's like a shower, but for your second kid. It's not a full shower, it's like a sprinkle.
David: That is the stupidest fucking thing I have ever heard.

Quote from David

Patrick: Uh, also booze and fish, not ideal for a pregnant woman.
David: Yeah, well, she's one person, and everyone knows you don't plan a whole party around one person.
Patrick: Maybe you do, if the party is for her.
David: Says who? Fine! Worst case scenario, she grazes at the soft cheese station.
Patrick: Are you sure that she can eat that?
David: This is why I hate babies!

Quote from Moira

Moira: David, why does this game feel vaguely familiar?
David: You invented it. We played it a lot growing up.
Moira: I can't remember playing.
David: That's because we got very good at it. I remember Alexis got on in from across the room once.

Quote from Patrick

David: Yeah, I thought it could be a good opportunity to promote the store. So, Heather's supplying some of her cheeses, not at cost, but she's giving us a deal, and I thought we could bring some wine from the store, and Colleen's express-shipping a branzino, so.
Patrick: Sounding a bit expensive, David.
David: Well, we haven't talked budget yet, but I'm assuming that Jocelyn's wanting to spend some money on her baby shower.
Patrick: I'm assuming that Jocelyn's planning on spending no money on her baby shower.
David: What do you mean?
Patrick: Well, typically the person who throws the shower, pays for the shower.

Quote from Moira

Single #1: It's funny, because before my dear Gloria passed, she told me her dying wish was for me to move on.
Moira: Ah, did she?
Single #1: I know you're gonna find this hard to believe, but she predicted that I would meet a woman with shoulder-length blonde hair, and red lipstick.
Moira: Telepathic, was she? And tremendously specific! If I may leave you with a bit of advice, I would wait until much later in the relationship before mentioning any of the things you just mentioned to me.
Single #1: Okay? Uh, wait, you haven't even tried your key.
Moira: Uh, it won't fit.

Quote from David

Jocelyn: Welcome, boys! I can't thank you enough for jumping in like this!
Patrick: Oh, it's our pleasure.
David: Okay, um, so what's going on here?
Jocelyn: I thought I would what I could to get a jumpstart on the decorations.
David: Here's the thing, Jocelyn, when you asked me to throw this event, you were essentially handing over creative control. Considering our name is gonna be all over this, I think it's important to streamline the aesthetic direction we're taking for tonight.
Jocelyn: Okay, well I guess I could move some of the balloons?
David: That could be good. Yeah, we could move those. Maybe to the garbage? We're also gonna need to drop-cloth the interiors.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Okay, guys! Where do you want me to hang the pinata?
Patrick: I'm sorry, is that supposed to be a baby?
Roland: Yeah, it's pretty realistic, isn't it? I got it at the dollar store in Elmdale. I didn't even have to pay for it, honey. They just gave it to me.
David: Yeah, don't think we can smash a baby with a stick tonight, but-
Roland: It's not a real baby, Dave.
David: The fact that you got it from the dollar store does make me wary of what's gonna fall out of it, though?

Quote from Roland

Jocelyn: Don't worry, Rolly, we're still gonna play the diaper game.
Roland: Ah, good!
David: Hi! What's the diaper game?
Jocelyn: Oh my gosh, it is so fun! We played it at Mutt's baby shower!
Roland: Basically, you melt different chocolate bars into different diapers, and then people take turns guessing...
David: Gonna stop you right there. I will literally do anything for us to not play that game.

Quote from Roland

Jocelyn: Well, I'm getting nervous, because we're gonna need some sort of entertainment, David.
David: Well then, I will come up with some games that don't involve sniffing a diaper.
Roland: You don't just sniff it.
Jocelyn: No. You don't.
David: Oh my god.

Quote from Roland

David: Okay, is this vase movable?
Roland: Uh, no, that there is grandpa's ashes, and no, you cannot move it, it's bolted down. There's been a lot of urn thefts lately. I'll tell ya what, I will get my ratchet, and see what I can do for ya, okay?

Quote from David

David: Hi, Jocelyn. Is everything okay?
Jocelyn: Yeah. Why?
David: Um, I love your pajama set.
Jocelyn: Thank you. It's been a hectic morning, David, I'm not gonna lie.
David: Well, I lit a patchouli candle, so hopefully it'll calm your chi.

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: It's times like this I wish I had your eye for decorating and party planning. Roland's been trying to help me, offered off his movie posters, you know, but I just don't think that "The Pelican Brief" is festive enough for a baby shower.
David: Well, I'd have to agree.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Okay, so I was thinking as incentive for our singles, we could do like, a lonely heart's special. So 50% discount for those singles dining alone.
Twyla: Okay, um, but wouldn't it make more sense to offer a discount for people not dining alone?
Alexis: But it's Singles Week though, is the thing.
Twyla: Right. Um, but if the point of Singles Week is to get matched up, then why not offer a discount for singles who eat together?
Alexis: Okay, I have a better idea. A 2-for-1 discount for 2 singles eating together.
Twyla: That's it, that's the winner.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Boy, these have a bit more weight to them than the usual pills.
Roland: Well, you know, Johnny, that weight might actually work in your favour if you take into consideration the humidity in here.
Johnny: Wow, well, thank you, Roland.

Quote from Johnny

Moira: Oh dear. Oh! Bit of a misunderstanding, here. We're-we're looking to observe your event, for research.
Ricki: Well, we could peek in on the experience like group voyeurs, but it would be much more educational for both of you if you would let me immerse you in it.
Moira: And what would this immersion process entail?
Ricki: Today's activity is called "A Lock and Key". Our ladies get the keys. Our men get the locks. And then we spend an hour mingling, trying to find that perfect fit.
Johnny: Well, lucky for us, this lock has already found its key.

Quote from Johnny

Moira: John? Could be fun. And I know who I'll be leaving with.
Johnny: All right, let's give it a try!
Ricki: Wonderful. I just have to ask, before the event, will you grant me access to your most intimate selves?
Johnny: No. But we'll play the game.

Quote from Alexis

Klair: Oh my god! I almost totally forgot! I have a job for you.
Alexis: Are you serious?
Klair: Yeah. I just like, I can't talk about it around Albany, because she needs to get fired first, so basically the job is yours, if you want it. It's a junior PR position, but you could totally climb the ladder. Look, take your time, just let me know by tomorrow.
Alexis: By tomorrow?
Klair: Hmm, yeah, we're gonna get a super early start, so make sure you find me before 2 pm.
Alexis: Oh wow, okay. It's just like, all happening so fast, 'cause I'd have to like, pack, and find a place to stay.
Klair: Oh my god, don't even worry about that. You can totally stay at my dad's place. He hasn't lived there for like 15 years. I think he started a new family, or something.
Alexis: Oh.
Klair: So it would be you, and my dad's ex-wife. But don't worry about her, she's two years younger than us, and like super chill.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Now, ask me when the last time the motel sold out, before I showed up? Never! Zero! Didn't happen.
Charlene: Must take a special touch.
Johnny: Well, call it what you will, Charlene.
Charlene: Maybe I'll spend the night sometime. At the motel, I mean. [laughs]
Johnny: Very good, Charlene. Very good.

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: Hey, Jocelyn, why don't you, why don't you get ready, get changed, and we'll take good care of the place.
Jocelyn: I am ready.
Patrick: And you look great, so, do you wanna have a seat? Relax?

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: Was this a mistake?
Patrick: Oh, probably, but you know, we're here now, you know.
Jocelyn: Yup.
David: [holding the baby pinata] Where do I put this fucking thing?

Quote from Moira

Rene: Hello.
Moira: And just when I thought I'd tried every lock. You are?
Rene: Rene. I work in ad sales and can drive at night.
Moira: Ah.
Rene: I know that sounds like an odd thing to mention, but it does separate me from the crowd.

Quote from David

Patrick: I've gotta hand it to ya, David, it's a little unconventional, but people seem to be gettin' really into this.
Roland: Hey, Dave? Do I get an extra point if I can bounce one of her forehead?
Johnny: Yeah, we need some clarity on the point system, David, because I've landed three in Jocelyn's bangs, and that's gotta count for something.
David: Or nothing.

Quote from Alexis

Klair: So like, she's telling me that she's going to Mexico, and I'm like, if you're not going to Tulum, then like where the hell are you even going? You know what I'm saying?
Alexis: So where is she going?
Klair: Ugh, god. Cabo.
Alexis: Oh my god, poor thing.

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: Yeah, well, I didn't get much sleep last night. Somebody decided to do a synchronized swimming routine at 2am.
David: Oh, no.
Jocelyn: Yeah, so long night. And then followed by the news that my sister can't drive into town to host my baby shower!
David: Oh.
Jocelyn: Something to do with her husband's heart.
David: Oh, well, hope it clears itself up.
Jocelyn: Yeah, well, it won't. That's the problem.
David: Well, you never know.
Jocelyn: Well, I do.

Quote from David

Jocelyn: Yeah, well, if only there was someone like you who could help me organize this.
David: Very kind of you to say.
Jocelyn: Yeah, I mean, somebody like you, or you. Who would just help me organize this, before I snap!
David: Well, I'm sure I could help you out.
Jocelyn: David! Oh my goodness! Are you sure? I don't want you to feel like you have to do this.
David: Are you sure about that?

Quote from David

Jocelyn: Well, it is tonight, so I suppose you better, uh, get to work!
David: Tonight?
Jocelyn: Yes.
David: Okay, will the store be promoted, at least, at this event?
Jocelyn: Absolutely!
David: And what is the venue?
Jocelyn: My house!
David: And are we married to that venue?
Jocelyn: Yes!
David: Okay.
Jocelyn: Thank you, David. [exits]
David: What just happened?

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Oh my god, what are you doing here?
Klair: Okay, so me, Albany, Jitney, and Candy, we just needed to get away from the city for a bit, and so Vice put out this guide to the most random cities in North America, and we were like, lets him 'em.
Alexis: Oh, my God, that sounds so random.

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: Can I get you something?
Klair: Stop. Oh my god, I'm obsessed with your look. You look just like a small-town waitress! Beep!
Twyla: Thanks.
Klair: Actually you know what [clears throat] I would love like a hot water, but if you could just let it sit so it cools, I just need to know that it was once hot. Sorry, I'm the worst. [Twyla chuckles] Thank you.

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: Okay, here is your not-so-hot water.
Klair: Sweetie, no, I didn't order that.

Quote from Johnny

Moira: Well, it's good of you to come with me, John.
Johnny: Well, not a problem, Sweetheart. Stevie was thrilled to be left looking after the motel with Roland.
Moira: Of course your accompanying me today would have nothing to do with any concerns you may have, about me being left alone in a room teeming with eligible bachelors?
Johnny: I have no concerns about you, Moira, you can handle yourself. But if you ever unleash your feminine wiles on those bachelors, they wouldn't know what hit them.


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