Johnny: No, this place has good bones.
Roland: Oh, look... the maid forgot to pick up her tip.
Johnny: Is that a bag full of money?
Roland: Yeah, it's kinda a generous tip when you consider she didn't clean up this garbage and this loaded gun.
Johnny: All right. Don't point it, put it down. Put the gun down. Someone's clearly been squatting here. And by the looks of it, they don't appear to be on the up and up.
Roland: Well, maybe Benny and Betty left this here. And we just inherited a bag of money and a gun. If we're gonna split it up, I call the money.
Johnny: We're not taking the money, Roland. Whoever left it here is obviously coming back for it.
Roland: Why do you say that? I left a pack of chewing gum at the movie theater two weeks ago, and I haven't gone back for it.

Johnny: Roland, I say we go to the police. We have to let them handle it.
Roland: And then what? We offer our guests a discount to stay in the middle of a crime scene.
Johnny: Then what do you suggest?
Roland: Let's stake out the place, Person comes back, takes their stuff, leaves, and we can change the locks. Johnny: Okay, we give it a day, see if the guy comes back.
Roland: Or gal. This is the 21st century, Johnny.
Johnny: Okay.
Roland: Let's get with it. Come on. I'm with it.

Ronnie: I assume this has something to do with all the calls we're getting from TV stations, asking where they can park their vans?
Alexis: Um, yeah. So the premiere may be getting like a little bit bigger than I had planned.
Ronnie: Oh, snap! It's a premiere now? 'Cause first you said it was, and then you said it was just a viewing party.
Roland: Yeah, and, and if it's a premiere, we're all in trouble, because my skinny jeans are in the wash.

Johnny: Or, what if... we take Bob out for the evening and kind of act as his wing-men.
Roland: Johnny, you know, the whole dating scene has kind of changed a little since you were single. [clears throat] First off, we now have electricity. [laughs]

Bob: I don't think we're the same size, Johnny. I might have a trouble fitting tissues into these pockets.
Johnny: Oh, you won't need tissues. There'll be no crying tonight, Bob. You look like a million bucks.
Roland: Well, actually, Bob, in Johnny's suit there, you look like a guy who had a million bucks, but then lost it. [laughs]
Johnny: Very funny, Roland.

Roland: Well, if you must know, Jocelyn and I had been renting our extra bedroom to uh, help pay for this place.
Jocelyn: Yeah, and so we thought there's nobody here, it might be nice to have a weekend where a total stranger wasn't making themselves at home in my kitchen.
Johnny: Okay, look Roland, I may have been a bit too much of a stickler earlier.
Roland: Ah no. No, it's fine, Johnny. We'll just, uh... We'll just sleep in the truck with the baby. Or you know what, you could give us the keys to your place. It would be like Wife Swap, except we wouldn't be swapping wives, we'd be swapping mattresses.

Jocelyn: I've never stayed in a Presidential Suite.
Roland: [Boston accent] Enjoy it, honey, this one, uh, reminds me a lot of the uh, suites in, uh, Cuba before Castro took over.
Johnny: That's not... That's not JFK.
Roland: Yes, it's JFK, he's always...
Johnny: [Boston accent] Ask a not what your country can do for you.
Roland: Who said that?
Johnny: The man's from Boston.
Moira: John!
Roland: He didn't say... No he's not, he's from Upstate New York.
Johnny: Coming Moira.
Roland: And FDR said that.

Ronnie: No, I don't think you need more people knowing which car is yours, Moira, but I do have an idea that I think will solve all our problems.
Roland: Okay, but can we discuss it over lunch? I pre-ordered a tuna sandwich, and those things can turn on a dime.

Johnny: Well, thanks for turning up so early, everyone. And welcome. My name is Johnny...
Roland: Johnny Rose. It's printed right here on the cover of the book that he's handing out to all of you.
Roland: And my name is Roland Schitt... And I'm the boss you're gonna come to when you don't understand why this guy is making you read about VHS tapes.
Johnny: Not exactly the united front we had discussed, Roland.
Roland: Well, Johnny, somebody has to inspire these people.

Roland: Hm. Hm. Mmm. I don't know, Johnny, I have been racking my brain to come up with the cash. I mean at this point, I'm willing to sell my baseball signed by Geena Davis.
Johnny: Might take more than that, Roland.