Jocelyn: Moira, I'm the one who's pregnant.
Moira: If only.
Jocelyn: It's true. I was dropping off Alexis' course book, and I had gotten the test from the pharmacy, and I was so anxious to find out, that I took the test in Alexis' bathroom.
Moira: Oh Jocelyn, oh Jocelyn! Oh, what a wonderful surprise for us all! Oh!
Jocelyn: I know. I thought it was menopause that was making me late, and giving me the cravings, and morning sickness.
Moira: I wouldn't know.

Jocelyn: Okay, let's have another round of applause for the children's choir, and their Kylie Minogue medley! [audience applause] Those were some racy lyrics! Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, I know that your headliner tonight is gonna surprise you, because she certainly surprised me when she told me just moments ago that she'd switched up her entire act, even though somebody put down a really hefty deposit on a wall of mirrors! [chuckle turns into a sob] Okay anyways, without further ado, the main event!

Jocelyn: So, he seems to be making himself comfortable here.
Johnny: Yes, a little little too comfortable. Jocelyn, I don't wanna start anything here, but Roland did finish work a few hours ago, and I was telling him that he should be heading home?
Jocelyn: Here's the thing. I have just remembered how attentive Roland gets when I am pregnant. He is very hands on, very concerned, and he is just always there. So we were thinking that it might better, for me, if we could just kind of extend his work day, you know, to allow for some more alone time. For me.
Johnny: Okay. I understand.
Roland: Oh! [laughs] Wow! I just upgraded my wand! Two more levels and I'll have enough opals to buy the harp.
Jocelyn: Way to go, honey! Alone time, Johnny. I just need some alone time.

Jocelyn: You must think that this is silly, but keeping the gender of the baby a secret is a bit of a tradition in Roland's family.
Moira: I believe he said so, yes.
Jocelyn: It goes way back. Way, way back. Salem, Massachusetts, actually. Yeah, his great-great-great great-grandmother accurately guessed the sex of her daughter's baby, and then was put on trial for witchcraft, - so, you would see why.
Moira: Toil and trouble.
Jocelyn: Roland never should've left that envelope on your desk. And now look at you, burdened with this secret. I mean, you must just wanna shout out "it's a boy!" Or, "it's a girl!" Is it a girl?
Moira: Valiant attempt, Jocelyn.
Jocelyn: I was just testing you. I mean, I wouldn't wanna break the Schitt family tradition. Stupid witch!

Jocelyn: It's times like this I wish I had your eye for decorating and party planning. Roland's been trying to help me, offered off his movie posters, you know, but I just don't think that "The Pelican Brief" is festive enough for a baby shower.
David: Well, I'd have to agree.

Jocelyn: What are these?
Moira: Oh, just some old love letters, written by another woman, onto which John has been clutching.
Jocelyn: Wow, I have been down this road. I once found a bag of Roland's ex-girlfriends' bras. Burned them. Except for the ones that were my size.
Moira: But this is incomparable, Jocelyn, there's a perfectly logical explanation for this!
Jocelyn: Oh, there always is. Woo! Wow. [laughs] This little "butterfly" is quite the writer. It's like 50 Shades of Johnny Rose! Holy cow.

Twyla: We could start rehearsal over.
Jocelyn: Oh, no! Don't make any changes on my account, I mean, you've gotta get to the cafe, and Ronnie's gotta have a massage!
Ronnie: I have sciatica.
Jocelyn: I ran all over town looking for a babysitter.
Moira: Oh.
Jocelyn: Pulled a number off a telephone pole. She's a pet sitter, but she said she'd make an exception. I don't even know her last name!
Moira: Jocelyn, that sounds dangersome.
Jocelyn: I didn't wanna miss this rehearsal! But do any of you care? Apparently not! Because all of you have been acting like bunch of b-words!

Jocelyn: Okay, okay, well, Ronnie. I know that you've been getting a lot of massages lately, because they're supposed to help with your bad back, and stabilize your mood, but I haven't noticed an improvement! And sometimes you sing too softly.
Ronnie: Agree to disagree.
Jocelyn: And Twyla-
Twyla: I'm sorry, I'll sing louder.
Jocelyn: Nope, you are singing too loud.
Moira: Wonderful, let it out, Jocelyn.
Jocelyn: And Moira.
Moira: Okay, we can stop it there for today.
Jocelyn: We are all sick and tired of hearing about Bosnia.
Ronnie: Yep.
Jocelyn: It's Bosnia this, and "Crows" that, and Blajka...
Moira: We're just grasping at straws now, Jocelyn. But this has been a fruitful exercise, don't we all feel better? Look at Twyla, look how moved she is.

Jocelyn: Please, Moira. You'd be doing me a favour. I mean, it's either that, or you could call Mr. and Mrs. Tekenos and let them know that their daughter bit another student at school today.
Moira: I accept.
Jocelyn: Thank you, Moira! I am happily stepping down.
Moira: In title only. You will be there with me every step of the way, Jocelyn. Assistant directing.
Jocelyn: Assistant directing?
Moira: Mmm-hmm, some would argue it's even more responsibility than directing.
Jocelyn: What have I done? No!

Jocelyn: Maybe there's a better role for you.
Alexis: What's better than the lead?
Moira: Yes, I'm curious about that as well.
Jocelyn: Kit Kat Club Dancer Number Six! Hah!
Alexis: Sorry?
Jocelyn: She doesn't have a lot of lines, but she has a very sexy costume, and a lot of face time on stage, which I know that you love.
Alexis: I love both of those things. Okay, um would that require like, another audition?
Jocelyn: No, no! No, the part is yours.