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41Quotes from ‘Love Letters’

Schitt's Creek: Love Letters

502. Love Letters

Aired January 15, 2019

After Moira returns from Bosnia having gone without sleep for three days, she is alarmed when she discovers a trove of love letters written to Johnny. Meanwhile, David and Stevie are held up at the shop, and Alexis tries to show Ted she kept hold of things from their earlier relationship.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Look at you all dressed up, Mr. Sporty Spice.
Ted: Uh yeah, I'm dressed for the run that we're supposed to be going on, but I don't think you can run in those.
Alexis: Tell that to me at 21, escaping the yakuza.

Quote from Stevie

Patrick: It just doesn't make any sense. I mean, I can understand taking the wine, but who steals a jar of tapenade? And the brie?!
David: Yeah, the brie. Stevie? The brie?
Stevie: Well, at least we know if the cops don't get him, his cholesterol will.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Jocelyn!
Jocelyn: Moira, you're back. Did you just let yourself in?
Moira: I have been knocking on your door since the beginning of time! Although now that I'm standing here, it's equally possible that I didn't knock at all. I suppose we'll never know, will we?

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh, and what a journey it has been! Production had me routed through Nairobi for some reason, and then our plane was grounded after flying through a swarm of locusts. I didn't want to miss my third connection, so I took a Bosnian upper just to keep awake. Those things are the size of a nickel, so I only took one, at least, I think I did. I may have taken a second one just to be safe, because I don't know if I took that first one, or not. Either way, I've been up since eight am three days ago, with time changes factored in, and I couldn't be happier to see you!

Quote from Moira

Moira: Well, well, "John-John" returns.
Johnny: Okay, Moira, don't tell me you still haven't slept.
Moira: What would give you that impression?
Johnny: Sweetheart, you've got to find a way of getting some sleep!
Moira: Easier said than done, John, when your only husband is longing for his epistle-writing inamorata.

Quote from Alexis

Twyla: So do you want the locket?
Alexis: No, Twy, I got it for you. But what I'm saying is, let's swap for it. I have a toe ring that would look so cute on you!
Twyla: We're not allowed to wear open-toed shoes, but, um, maybe I could take that bracelet?
Alexis: Yes! Um, I actually got this in a swap with Sienna Miller. And by that I mean it fell off her wrist at a Halloween party, and I kept it.

Quote from Patrick

Police Officer: So let me get this straight. You have no idea what it looks like, or whether there was one in the first place.
Patrick: You guys said you were held up!
David: Emotionally! I mean, I don't know if there was a gun, but it was still a robbery, he was wearing a mask. And would we all not agree that words are weapons?!
Patrick: Okay, so you offered the wine, and you offered the cheese and the tapenade, and there was no gun? This guy just sounds like a lucky customer, David!

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Moira, you wrote those letters!
Moira: Don't be absurd, that is not my writing!
Johnny: It was that week on Sunrise Bay when Vivian Blake had her accident. You were in a body cast, they wouldn't let you take it off. You were writing with your left hand!
Moira: The spelunking incident.
Johnny: No. It was after she got thrown upwards through a skylight.

Quote from Moira

Moira: John! Are you awake? John!
Johnny: What? What's happening?
Moira: Your wayfaring thespian has returned! I-I don't wanna jinx anything, but the shoot was a triumph. The local Bosnians are calling it a stunning re-invigoration of the "Crows Have Eyes" franchise. That, of course, is a loose translation.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Oh, well that sounds great, sweetheart.
Moira: John, no need to get out of bed, dear. I'm sure you considered planning a little more fanfare for my return, but oh, it's best to ease back in.
Johnny: It's 3:30 in the morning, you said you were coming in today at noon.
Moira: Yes! Noon Bosnian Mountain Time, that is! Which was several hours ago, John.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Okay, if you insist, one quick story. So, day three of shooting, Hamza and I find ourselves stuck in a hail storm.
David: Oh, my God, not tonight. Thank you, though.
Johnny: I'm sorry kids, your mother's had a rough couple of days. Moira, why don't we get to bed, sweetheart?
Moira: Ooh, frisky, John.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: "Dearest John-John, I'm lying here, stuck, sweaty. All I can think about is you, and the last night we spent together, bed shaking" Ew! Why are you making me read this?
Moira: I know, right?
Alexis: Ew!
Moira: Before your father met me, he was not quite so selective. I hesitate to add, he even had a predilection for boom boom girls!
Alexis: Okay, I would like to remind you that I don't have a therapist anymore.

Quote from Alexis

Ted: So that's a no on the run, then?
Alexis: Okay, honestly Ted, I've had a very traumatic morning at home, so going on a run is like, the last thing that I wanna do. Also, I forgot.
Ted: Okay. Well, that's actually like, scary, because we texted about it twice last night, and twice this morning. But anyway, is everything okay?
Alexis: Like, other than reading some very porny love letters that someone sent my dad, sure.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: And very likely some jewellery. Like a ring, or...
Ted: A locket?
Alexis: Yes. The locket you gave me. I kept that the most.
Ted: Oh, yeah, it's just funny, I don't think I've ever seen you wear it.
Alexis: I'm just so scared of losing it.
Ted: That makes sense.
Alexis: Okay, well, you have a run to go on, so I should probably go and update my journal.
Ted: You've never written in a journal, have you?
Alexis: No, but um, one time I did do a book report on David's diary, and it was very dark.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I've had a bit of a rebirth myself, in Bosnia.
Jocelyn: I hope it wasn't as painful as mine.
Moira: The music, Jocelyn. In Bosni-wood, as the industry will soon be calling it, I I picked up some beautiful Sevdah, that I absolutely must teach to the Jazzigals! Would you like to hear me sing a traditional love song?
Jocelyn: I- I would, it's just the baby's sleeping, so...
Moira: Shhh [singing in Bosnian]
Jocelyn: Yeah, it's a sad one. I would be feeling it too, if I knew what the heck you were singing about.

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: What are these?
Moira: Oh, just some old love letters, written by another woman, onto which John has been clutching.
Jocelyn: Wow, I have been down this road. I once found a bag of Roland's ex-girlfriends' bras. Burned them. Except for the ones that were my size.
Moira: But this is incomparable, Jocelyn, there's a perfectly logical explanation for this!
Jocelyn: Oh, there always is. Woo! Wow. [laughs] This little "butterfly" is quite the writer. It's like 50 Shades of Johnny Rose! Holy cow.

Quote from David

David: You know, I've never been robbed before, and I had friends that lived in Brooklyn.
Stevie: Yeah that was a robbery, right? I mean, we were robbed. Right?
David: Yeah! Someone walked out of here with two bags of product, I mean, I don't know what else you'd call it.
Stevie: I mean, he had a weapon, right?
David: Yeah! Yes. I mean, it must've been in his pocket, because he used both hands to carry the bags out of the store, but...
Stevie: I can't believe you just offered him the wine.
David: You offered him the skincare. I mean, we don't know what was going on under that mask! He could've had perfect skin.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Uh, word on the street is that you're in a little hot water with Moira, huh?
Johnny: No, everything's fine with Moira. I just thought she was coming in today.
Roland: Look, Johnny, everybody likes to take trips down memory lane, but you gotta get rid of the evidence. Do you know what a burnt under-wire smells like?

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Moira is showing my letters?
Roland: Yeah, I was talking to Bob about it.
Johnny: Why were you talking to Bob about it?!
Roland: We're trying to save your marriage, bud! Although, Gwen thinks it's probably a lost cause. She's thinks you might be a sexaholic.

Quote from David

David: So I guess it was sort of like a a low end poly-blend hooded sweatshirt, in what I could only describe as an aubergine color.
Police Officer: And just in case he changes his outfit, do you have a rough idea of his physical description?
David: Right, um, well, I guess, my build.
Stevie: That's being generous.
David: If I was at my goal weight.

Quote from Stevie

Patrick: Officer, they mentioned there was a weapon involved.
Police Officer: Can you describe the weapon?
David: You describe it.
Stevie: Well, if there was a weapon, it was concealed.
David: Yeah, so you know, it's it's sort of hard to describe a concealed weapon.
Stevie: Yeah, I mean, if we could tell you what it looked like, he wouldn't be doing a good job of concealing it.

Quote from Ted

Ted: And, in that spirit, I should probably tell you that I didn't actually keep everything that you gave me.
Alexis: That's fine.
Ted: Yeah, after the breakup, I uh well, I took some of your stuff to the incinerator, along with some pets that needed to be cremated.
Alexis: Ew.
Ted: And you think you feel bad? The wallet that you gave me was still in there, and I had forgotten to take some of the cards out, and I was actually only one stamp away from a free sub, so...
Alexis: Okay well, if it makes you feel any better, that was David's wallet.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Look "I'm lying here in bed, I can't move, I miss you." It's all there, Moira. You're telling me none of this rings a bell?
Moira: In my defence, John, I had asked for actual painkillers, to help ease me into my character's plight.

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: Okay, here we go. I know you asked for a small, but I "swapped it" for a large.
David: Twyla, may I say, you are looking very chic.
Johnny: Would you look at that? That looks like the tiara you wore at your bat mitzvah, Alexis.
Twyla: Well, I had a little help from a friend.
Alexis: We should probably coordinate a time to swap everything back.
Twyla: Oh, don't worry, I'm fine.
David: And what exactly did you get out of this fun swap?
Alexis: I got Twyla's step-brother's dog tags. And a whistle.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Oh! Well Moira, it sounds like a nightmare of a trip. Why don't we leave the unpacking 'til tomorrow, and just get some rest?
Moira: Good idea. Kids!
Johnny: No Moira, it's 3:30.
Moira: David! Alexis!
David: Oh! Who is it?
Alexis: Oh, my God, what?!
Moira: I don't know what you kids are still doing up so late. I didn't want to disturb you, I just wanted you to know that Mummy got home safe and sound!

Quote from Moira

Moira: No! No one would believe this! These cannot be real!
Alexis: What's going on?
Moira: Well, instead of sleeping last night, I decided to just power right through. You know, best to round up to an even four days. And while I was doing some light reorganization, I came upon this stack of love letters written to your father by another woman.

Quote from David

David: Good morning. Is there something I can help you with?
Robber: Yeah, I'd like you to open your cash register, and give me your money!
David: Okay, small problem. Um, our money isn't for sale.
Robber: I'm robbing you!
David: Thought so, yeah.

Quote from Stevie

David: So here's the problem. Our till doesn't currently have any cash in it, because my partner is at the bank getting money for the float.
Robber: What about you, what do you have?
Stevie: A wallet full of debt.

Quote from David

Robber: Can someone put something in a bag, please?!
David: Um, we only have cloth totes, I hope that's okay.
Robber: Whatever!
David: Would you like some wine?
Robber: Okay, yeah, yes, put some booze in a bag.
David: Do you drink red wine, or white wine? Maybe some chilled rose in the back?
Stevie: I'll get it!
Robber: I'm not letting you go into the back! What else?
Stevie: Cheese goes good with wine.
David: Suddenly she's a sales associate.

Quote from David

David: Would you like some cheese?
Robber: Uh yeah, I'll take some cheese.
David: God forbid he be specific. I guess throw in some brie, some aged cheddar.
Stevie: Uh, that tapenade goes good with the brie.
David: Tapenades, great, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Stevie: Do you have bad skin?
Robber:Yeah, sure, just hurry it up!
David: There you go. [to Stevie] Could you help the man with the door? His hands are full.
Stevie: Sorry. Thank you.

Quote from Ted

Ted: I've certainly kept some things from our past.
Alexis: Ted!
Ted: I take it that you haven't?
Alexis: Um, harsh. I for sure have.
Ted: Yeah, it's just that your face is doing some really weird stuff right now.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: No because you put me on the spot! There's like, a very long list of things that I've kept.
Ted: Oh, really. Like what?
Alexis: Like that empty book that you gave me.
Ted: The journal?
Alexis: Yes! The journal.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I don't know if you know what it's like to be mortally deprived of one's sleep!
Jocelyn: I haven't slept in eight months.
Moira: Why's that?
Jocelyn: Because of the baby.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: So Hey, Twy? I've always admired your jewellery game. You just like, pick a few pieces, and just and wear them to death.
Twyla: Oh, if you're talking about my earrings the clasp broke, so I actually physically cannot take them off.
Alexis: Okay, I am experiencing the same problem. All of my jewellery is boring.
Twyla: Is that what I said?

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Okay, Roland, I actually don't know what you're talking about.
Roland: Those spicy letters from Miss Butterfly that you left out for Moira to find.
Johnny: How do you know about those letters?
Roland: Well, Moira's out showing 'em around town. Jocelyn's read 'em. She told me about some very racy parts, young man.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Okay, first of all, everyone should mind their own business, and stay out of my affairs.
Roland: Affairs, plural? Oh.
Johnny: There's no affair, okay? Now, would you unlock the door, and open the blind?
Roland: Jeez, Johnny, I'm on your side, pal. Unless things get messy, in that case, I'm gonna be on Moira's side.

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: So you upsold the robber?!
David: I did not! I didn't even tell him about the vintage wines we have in the back.
Patrick: Oh.
Stevie: Speaking of I think we should probably open one of those bottles, just to calm the nerves.
David: I thought you had to go to work.
Patrick: Great. Great stuff, you guys.

Quote from Alexis

Ted: I uh, see you're wearing the locket.
Alexis: Oh! I don't know, am I? Oh, right.
Ted: Well, you proved me wrong, Alexis. And I have to say, I'm actually kind of relieved, because that means that you also kept favourite photo of the two of us.
Alexis: I keep that photo in a locked folder on my phone.
Ted: No, no, I'm talking about the one in the locket. Hmm! Now, this appears to be a photo of Twyla?
Alexis: Yes, I put that there. Because Twyla is an important friend.
Ted: And Twyla's mom?
Alexis: Is her important friend.
Ted: You gave the locket to Twyla, didn't you?
Alexis: Okay, I would've kept it. But the necklace just kept reminding me of all the bad things that I'd done, and then Twyla gave me a Christmas gift, and I didn't have anything to give her...

Quote from Moira

Moira: But why are you reading them now?
Johnny: [sighs] I was missing you, so I took out the letters, because reading them made me feel like you were still here with me.
Moira: Oh, you're too sweet. Unfortunately, we're going to have to stick with my version of the events.
Johnny: What? Why would we do that?
Moira: I don't want anyone thinking I wrote these!
Johnny: Well, I don't want people thinking I'm reading some other woman's love letters!
Moira: Well, it'll give you an edge. No one will ever accuse you of being vanilla again.
Johnny: Who's saying that?

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: No kids, I understand that you both have read a somewhat adult-themed correspondence between a loving wife and her husband?
Alexis: Yeah, and I'd prefer if you could stop talking about it.
David: This is why I think it's best to torch everything from past failed relationships.
Johnny: I'd hardly call this a failed relationship, David. We're still here, 35 years later.

Quote from Alexis

Moira: Caw! Caw! Oh! [speaking Bosnian]
David: Is she okay?
Johnny: Yeah, she's just sleeping. Well, I'm ready to order.
Alexis: Okay, can somebody close her eyelids, at least? Please?


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