Patrick: It just doesn't make any sense. I mean, I can understand taking the wine, but who steals a jar of tapenade? And the brie?!
David: Yeah, the brie. Stevie? The brie?
Stevie: Well, at least we know if the cops don't get him, his cholesterol will.

Alexis: Look at you all dressed up, Mr. Sporty Spice.
Ted: Uh yeah, I'm dressed for the run that we're supposed to be going on, but I don't think you can run in those.
Alexis: Tell that to me at 21, escaping the yakuza.

Moira: Jocelyn!
Jocelyn: Moira, you're back. Did you just let yourself in?
Moira: I have been knocking on your door since the beginning of time! Although now that I'm standing here, it's equally possible that I didn't knock at all. I suppose we'll never know, will we?

Moira: Well, well, "John-John" returns.
Johnny: Okay, Moira, don't tell me you still haven't slept.
Moira: What would give you that impression?
Johnny: Sweetheart, you've got to find a way of getting some sleep!
Moira: Easier said than done, John, when your only husband is longing for his epistle-writing inamorata.

Moira: Oh, and what a journey it has been! Production had me routed through Nairobi for some reason, and then our plane was grounded after flying through a swarm of locusts. I didn't want to miss my third connection, so I took a Bosnian upper just to keep awake. Those things are the size of a nickel, so I only took one, at least, I think I did. I may have taken a second one just to be safe, because I don't know if I took that first one, or not. Either way, I've been up since eight am three days ago, with time changes factored in, and I couldn't be happier to see you!

Twyla: So do you want the locket?
Alexis: No, Twy, I got it for you. But what I'm saying is, let's swap for it. I have a toe ring that would look so cute on you!
Twyla: We're not allowed to wear open-toed shoes, but, um, maybe I could take that bracelet?
Alexis: Yes! Um, I actually got this in a swap with Sienna Miller. And by that I mean it fell off her wrist at a Halloween party, and I kept it.

Police Officer: So let me get this straight. You have no idea what it looks like, or whether there was one in the first place.
Patrick: You guys said you were held up!
David: Emotionally! I mean, I don't know if there was a gun, but it was still a robbery, he was wearing a mask. And would we all not agree that words are weapons?!
Patrick: Okay, so you offered the wine, and you offered the cheese and the tapenade, and there was no gun? This guy just sounds like a lucky customer, David!

Johnny: Moira, you wrote those letters!
Moira: Don't be absurd, that is not my writing!
Johnny: It was that week on Sunrise Bay when Vivian Blake had her accident. You were in a body cast, they wouldn't let you take it off. You were writing with your left hand!
Moira: The spelunking incident.
Johnny: No. It was after she got thrown upwards through a skylight.

Moira: John! Are you awake? John!
Johnny: What? What's happening?
Moira: Your wayfaring thespian has returned! I-I don't wanna jinx anything, but the shoot was a triumph. The local Bosnians are calling it a stunning re-invigoration of the "Crows Have Eyes" franchise. That, of course, is a loose translation.

Johnny: Oh, well that sounds great, sweetheart.
Moira: John, no need to get out of bed, dear. I'm sure you considered planning a little more fanfare for my return, but oh, it's best to ease back in.
Johnny: It's 3:30 in the morning, you said you were coming in today at noon.
Moira: Yes! Noon Bosnian Mountain Time, that is! Which was several hours ago, John.