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46Quotes from ‘Pregnancy Test’

Schitt's Creek: Pregnancy Test

402. Pregnancy Test

Aired January 16, 2018

Johnny is stunned when he finds a positive pregnancy test in David and Alexis's bathroom. Unaware of the unfolding drama, Alexis enrolls in a local college. Meanwhile, David and Patrick try to find some alone time.

Quote from Moira

Moira: It's just flagrant irresponsibility! To allow an unscheduled conception to occur!
Jocelyn: Moira?
Moira: Oh, she has no idea of the toll a bébé can take on its mother, or its mother's mother.

Quote from Moira

Moira: No, I'll talk to her. Yes, I'll tell her she has no right to lay this financial and psychological burden on us!
Johnny: Well, maybe I'll talk to her.
Moira: Now she has to move into one of those homes for unwed mothers!
David: Oh, my God, imagine?
Johnny: Moira, that's not gonna happen.
Moira: Oh, I'm sure there are plenty of them on this side of the tracks. Let the nuns take care of the little stranger!

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Welcome. Make yourselves at home. Just so you know, there's nothing in the fridge. Oh, and I marked the booze, so I'll know if you touch it.
Patrick: I noticed the line is a couple inches above where the whiskey starts.
David: I am stunned by your generosity.

Quote from Alexis

David: I'm sorry, I was processing Alexis' situation.
Johnny: David, Alexis isn't-
Alexis: No, it's okay. I mean, have your fun now David, because when the twins arrive, I'm gonna really need your help.
David: Um, that's a hard pass.
Alexis: You're gonna be so involved in their lives.
David: Mm, your body, your problem.
Johnny: David, Alexis isn't pregnant.
Alexis: Okay, but just picture them as like, tiny little roommates, whose tiny little poops you get to clean up!

Quote from Roland

Jocelyn: Honey are you okay?
Roland: Okay? [chuckles, laughs wildly] Of course I'm okay. Oh, my God! We're having a baby! [applause] Champagne for everybody, on me!
Jocelyn: I can't drink, Rollie.
Roland: Oh right, you're driving. Uh, you know what, Twyla, actually, let's just do one beer, one beer for me.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Alexis isn't the one who's pregnant. Someone else is, but don't press me for details, because I've been sworn to secrecy.
Johnny: You've been sworn-
Moira: It's Jocelyn! But you're not supposed to know. She hasn't told Roland yet.
Johnny: Jocelyn! Huh?
Moira: She was appropriately gobsmacked herself. And I must say, I am entirely relieved.
Johnny: Yeah, that's it's not Alexis!
Moira: But save that spreadsheet, John, and you might want to add a line item for prophylactics. Tomorrow's another day.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Okay, so I'm thinking like, season five Carrie Bradshaw, like, super professional and polished, but also like, chill and flirty in an impossibly expensive sort of way.
David: You do know that this is your first day at Elmdale College, and not Vogue, right?
Alexis: Hush, David, because Jocelyn said that only her top students go to Elmdale.
David: Okay, I think that says more about Jocelyn as a teacher than it does her students.

Quote from David

Johnny: Well, it's a smiley face, so I'm assuming it's a positive result.
David: Well, that's presumptuous.

Quote from David

Johnny: What Alexis needs now is to feel supported by her family.
David: Okay. Um, I'm just gonna say it, I am not in a place right now to be emotionally available to a baby.
Johnny: You know I'm a little disappointed in you, David, you spend a lot of time with Alexis, you could've done a better job looking out for her!
David: Okay, I'm sorry I'm not a condom.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Jocelyn, oh, I seem to have left my sunglasses behind, you haven't discovered them amidst your cleaning, have you?
Jocelyn: You mean, the ones on top of your head?
Moira: And there they are. [laughs] And I'm off, then.
Jocelyn: Moira, is everything all right? You seem a little distracted today.
Moira: No, I'm- I'm just a little distracted today.

Quote from Moira

Moira: We're in the midst of a family crisis, if you must know.
Jocelyn: Well, I don't wanna pry, so...
Moira: Well, you've cracked me open. Alexis is pregnant.
Jocelyn: What?
Moira: I know! We discovered the test in her bathroom today.
Jocelyn: You did?
Moira: And to think when I awoke, my biggest concern was how to make that ragtime medley of yours work.

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: Moira, I'm the one who's pregnant.
Moira: If only.
Jocelyn: It's true. I was dropping off Alexis' course book, and I had gotten the test from the pharmacy, and I was so anxious to find out, that I took the test in Alexis' bathroom.
Moira: Oh Jocelyn, oh Jocelyn! Oh, what a wonderful surprise for us all! Oh!
Jocelyn: I know. I thought it was menopause that was making me late, and giving me the cravings, and morning sickness.
Moira: I wouldn't know.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Listen, can you do me a favour, and just keep this between the two of us, because Roland doesn't know yet.
Moira: Oh! Oh Jocelyn, Roland's not the father?
Jocelyn: Of course he is, I just haven't found the right time to tell him.
Moira: Don't wait, best to rip it off like a band aid.
Jocelyn: You're probably right. It's just that we weren't expecting this.
Moira: One must prepare for any event. Miracles don't take reservations.

Quote from Johnny

Alexis: Can I help you with something?
Johnny: Just wondering how you're feeling.
Alexis: Fine, a little nervous.
Johnny: Well, that's understandable, comes with the territory. Uh, it might help if we chat about it.
Alexis: Um no, I don't want to chat about it. I'm late.
Johnny: Well, I know you're late, sweetheart.

Quote from Patrick

Stevie: Ooh, what's that?
Patrick: What's what?
Stevie: You got a little red um is that a bug bite? Or a little mouth shaped sunburn? Looks like a hickey, actually.
Patrick: But it's not, it's not a It's not a hickey, right? Because that would be disgusting, and wildly unprofessional. David, did you give me a hickey?!
David: Okay no, I didn't, I gave you a-a half hickey, because we haven't had the time or the privacy for me to give you a full hickey!

Quote from David

Stevie: If you give me $50 bucks I'll stand outside, and tell people you're on lunch.
David: I'll give you 50 cents to stand outside and never come back.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: You know, Moira, it's not as bad as I thought.
Moira: Mmm.
Johnny: If David sells the store, and, uh, and you get some part time work, and we get a good price for the car, I think we can make it through the first two years easy, and then we just have to figure out preschool.
Moira: John, as much as I appreciate your budgetary prowess, it turns out there is no immediate need for concern.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: I am what this brochure calls a prospective student.
Gary: Cool, so you're not enrolled yet?
Alexis: No, I am enrolled, um, prospectively. I was wondering if there's like, a campus tour, or something?
Gary: Wow... Well, it wouldn't be much of a tour, but yeah, I guess I could walk you back up the hall, if you want.
Alexis: Okay, it's just that this brochure is like, a little bit confusing.
Gary: Yeah, we couldn't afford in house photography, so we just used stock images. See? Watermark there. [laughs] This is actually a still from "Dead Poets Society."
Alexis: I feel like that's false advertising, especially considering what I am paying for these courses.
Gary: Yeah, but you get free coffee and doughnuts. Oh, and like, um, an agenda. Yeah, it's off by a day. So I wouldn't use it.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: I would like a refund, please.
Gary: Uh, the problem is, is we don't give refunds.
Alexis: Okay, then I guess I would just like my money back, then.
Gary: Again, we don't give refunds.
Alexis: Okay, okay. This is the first time that I've ever invested in anything myself, and I thought that was like, the responsible choice, but clearly, this is like, a joke school.
Gary: Well, that's why most students do their courses online.
Alexis: Oh. So like, potentially, I could refund my refund request, do all my courses online, and like, never have to ever come back here again?
Gary: That's actually how I keep my side hustle going, part time DJ. Here's my card, in case you have any problems, or you wanna go on a date, or something.
Alexis: Okay. Well, I won't be doing any of that, but thank you so much.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: It's okay, Moira, take a seat.
Moira: Okay, okay well, John and I will just study the menu, as they keep making amendments.

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: Sorry, I've just gotta go through that one more time. So you dated Jake and then Stevie dated Jake.
David: Mhmm mhmm.
Patrick: And at one point, you all...
David: No, see, that's where you're wrong. We almost all, but I said no.
Patrick: Ah.
David: Because Stevie and I agreed that that would be a bad idea, but it appears that I'm the only one that held up my end of that agreement.
Patrick: And you're upset about this because you still...
David: No, I'm not upset. I- I don't want any of that. No, It's a principle thing. And we are getting sidetracked right now. Okay? So who is feeling sexy?
Patrick: Getting there for sure. I just- You know, I knew you had a rich dating history, David, I just didn't expect to be graced by the presence of two of your exes tonight.
David: Yeah, funny thing, neither did I.

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: Given that we only have the apartment for one night.
David: Mmm.
Patrick: Maybe it's best if we lock that box back up for now?
David: I think that's a good idea. Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. You know what, we didn't even get into your history-
Patrick: Lock it up, David. Lock it up.
David: Oh, okay.

Quote from Alexis

David: This is the same college where Malala gave that devastating commencement speech, right?
Alexis: I don't know, David, maybe he did.

Quote from Alexis

Johnny: Kids, it's garbage day.
Alexis: Oh good, ours is full.
Johnny: Okay, I've told you both a thousand times, tie up the bags and leave them outside your door.
David: Okay, but I like, just put something in it that made it full, though.
Alexis: Yeah, and you're already wearing your little gloves, though.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Okay, do me a favour, David, and don't mention this to dad, 'cause I haven't chosen my courses yet, and if he finds out he's just gonna like, buzz around until I ask him his opinion. And no offence to him, but I don't want it.

Quote from David

Johnny: Where'd Alexis go?
David: She went for a run, apparently there are some really big changes happening in her life right now.
Johnny: Yeah, I should say so.
David: Why are you waving a thermometer in my face?
Johnny: It's a pregnancy test.
David: Ew! What?!

Quote from Moira

Moira: Are we a 100% sure it's hers?
Johnny: Well, this test is a 100% sure it's someone's! [Johnny looks to Moira]
Moira: Oh, are you serious? I was ready to stop after one!

Quote from David

David: Come to think of it, she has been very up and down lately, but I've been just chalking that up to the fact that her personal life is like a steaming pile of...

Quote from Moira

Moira: Aaaah! I always knew this would happen! Oh, God help us all.

Quote from Patrick

David: Okay, I just think I'm in a state of shock right now, you know, the news was very numbing, and I'm feeling very alone. [Patrick kisses David]
Patrick: Imagine how Alexis must feel.
David: Yeah, I haven't spoken to her.
Patrick: Huh. Remind what this is again?
David: That is a eucalyptus under eye serum. [Patrick kisses David]
Patrick: Mmm-hmm. And remind me why you can't apply it to yourself?
David: Because it requires a steady hand, and I'm going through a lot right now. [Patrick and David kiss again]

Quote from Patrick

David: Okay, between Alexis getting knocked up, and us not having enough privacy to connect, I'm feeling very shaken.
Patrick: Do you think you're gonna make it, though?
David: Unclear. Unclear on whether I'm gonna make it through or not.
Patrick: [whispers] Hang in there.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Oh, hi, honey.
Alexis: My God, how long have you been sitting there?
Johnny: Oh, I didn't realize it took you so long to put your makeup on.

Quote from Alexis

Johnny: Now, Ted. Is he being supportive?
Alexis: I haven't even told Ted.
Johnny: Oh.
Alexis: I just wanna do one thing on my own!
Johnny: And you're sure this is the right one thing to pick?
Alexis: Okay, please don't stress me out about this! This is supposed to be fun!
Johnny: And it will be fun, honey, it will be, in time. You know, it will also be a lot of work.
Alexis: I know that!
Johnny: And not to mention, a lot of money.
Alexis: Why do you think I've been saving up my money from the vet's office?
Johnny: How long have you known about this?
Alexis: Oh, my God, you are being so extra right now!

Quote from Alexis

Johnny: Okay, clearly this is not a good time, but I just want you to know your mother and I are here, whenever you feel comfortable enough to talk, although I'd suggest talking to me, and not your mother.
Alexis: You are making way too big a deal of this. If I don't like it, I'll just give it up, and move on! Okay?

Quote from Patrick

Stevie: Ding, ding!
David: [clears throat] Hi. We're actually closed today.
Stevie: It's one o'clock on a Friday.
David: Okay, is there something I can help you with?
Stevie: Do you give all your customers this kind of VIP treatment?
David: Actually, I do, and I would love to keep chatting, it's just that Patrick and I were working on fixing a, uh, a light bulb in the back, so we oh, hey.
Patrick: Hey, Stevie.
Stevie: Hi.
Patrick: David and I were just in the back doing some inventory.

Quote from David

Stevie: Desperate times, huh?
David: No, trying times. Nothing about this is desperate. It's just that there's a lot of people at the motel, and Patrick is renting a room from Ray.
Patrick: Who really likes to chat.
David: Yeah. So there has literally been zero privacy.

Quote from Stevie

Patrick: That is super generous, but wouldn't be a little bit weird us having alone time at your place? Especially because you guys have-
David: Oh God no! No, we've never.
Stevie: No, never, ew!
David: We've never done that there.
Stevie: Never. I still live there.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Yeah, well, don't worry, I've already had a serious talk with Alexis, though now I'm wondering what exactly we were talking about.

Quote from Patrick

Jake: David. Wow, it's been a while.
David: Pony. Hey [Jake kisses David] Mm-mmm! Ahem!
Jake: Wow, you look good. Who's this guy?
David: This is my... That's-
Patrick: Patrick.
Jake: That's Patrick.
Patrick: And you are?
Jake: Picking up Stevie.
Stevie: Yeah, we're gonna go, so...
Patrick: So I'm not getting a name, then.

Quote from Stevie

David: Um, so you and "pony," what do you have planned for tonight?
Jake: Well, it's date night, so we thought maybe we'd spend it in the woods.
David: Yeah, just galloping around the woods, huh? Yeah, with your "pony." Not at a spa. So... I take it you two are still...
Stevie: Seeing each other, yes. As it turns out we are.
Jake: After we all broke up, Stevie came over to end things officially, and it just didn't stick, so.
David: Yeah. Yeah. No, it didn't stick, did it.

Quote from David

Patrick: Now, when you say "we all broke up"...
David: So you offering your apartment had nothing to do with any guilt you felt about harbouring a little secret?
Stevie: Nope. Just trying to be a good person, so. We're gonna go, leave you two lovebirds.
Jake: Unless you two wanna come?
David: Nope! I don't think so. Come on.
Jake: You do you.
Patrick: Good to meet, you... Man.

Quote from Johnny

Roland: Hey, Johnny, Moira, Jocelyn's just about to tell me something exciting, come and join us.
Moira: Oh, no, no, no, far be it for us to intrude. No, I think it's best that Jocelyn share this life altering news, whatever it may be, on her own.
Johnny: Yeah. And we'll probably take another table, because I skipped lunch and you know me when I'm hungry. Look out! [laughs] Uh, we'll sit over here.

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: So, Roland, you might have noticed that I've been on a real Dorito casserole kick lately, and there's a reason for that.
Roland: Besides wanting to keep me as your husband? [laughs uproariously] Am I right, Johnny?
Johnny: Oh, I need to be a part of this.
Jocelyn: The last time I made that casserole was when I was pregnant with Mutt. And I've really been craving that casserole again.
Roland: Yeah. Well, that's understandable, honey, I mean, it's a terrific casserole.
Johnny: I'd kill for a casserole right now.
Jocelyn: Rollie, how are you not getting this?
Twyla: Have we decided?
Jocelyn: I'm pregnant!
Moira: [gasps]
Jocelyn: We're having a baby.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Congratulations, you two. Well, I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart, that I couldn't be happier that this is happening to you and your family!

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Hey, so I've been thinking about what you said, and it is a big expense, but I think I can find a way to make it work.
Moira: What's happening?
Alexis: Dad's trying to get me to drop out of college.
Johnny: No, that's not what was happening! I-I thought we were talking about something else.
Alexis: What else?
Johnny: Oh, he thought you were pregnant.
Alexis: What? Ew!
Johnny: Well, we all did.
Alexis: Oh, my God, that's so mean!

Quote from Alexis

Moira: Oh, look who's here. Where were you all night?
David: Um, out-side. I was outside.
Johnny: A little past curfew.
Alexis: Oh burn, David.


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