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Pregnancy Test

‘Pregnancy Test’

Season 4, Episode 2 - Aired January 16, 2018

Johnny is stunned when he finds a positive pregnancy test in David and Alexis's bathroom. Unaware of the unfolding drama, Alexis enrolls in a local college. Meanwhile, David and Patrick try to find some alone time.

Quote from Moira

Moira: It's just flagrant irresponsibility! To allow an unscheduled conception to occur!
Jocelyn: Moira?
Moira: Oh, she has no idea of the toll a bébé can take on its mother, or its mother's mother.


Quote from Moira

Moira: No, I'll talk to her. Yes, I'll tell her she has no right to lay this financial and psychological burden on us!
Johnny: Well, maybe I'll talk to her.
Moira: Now she has to move into one of those homes for unwed mothers!
David: Oh, my God, imagine?
Johnny: Moira, that's not gonna happen.
Moira: Oh, I'm sure there are plenty of them on this side of the tracks. Let the nuns take care of the little stranger!

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Welcome. Make yourselves at home. Just so you know, there's nothing in the fridge. Oh, and I marked the booze, so I'll know if you touch it.
Patrick: I noticed the line is a couple inches above where the whiskey starts.
David: I am stunned by your generosity.

Quote from Alexis

David: I'm sorry, I was processing Alexis' situation.
Johnny: David, Alexis isn't-
Alexis: No, it's okay. I mean, have your fun now David, because when the twins arrive, I'm gonna really need your help.
David: Um, that's a hard pass.
Alexis: You're gonna be so involved in their lives.
David: Mm, your body, your problem.
Johnny: David, Alexis isn't pregnant.
Alexis: Okay, but just picture them as like, tiny little roommates, whose tiny little poops you get to clean up!

Quote from Roland

Jocelyn: Honey are you okay?
Roland: Okay? [chuckles, laughs wildly] Of course I'm okay. Oh, my God! We're having a baby! [applause] Champagne for everybody, on me!
Jocelyn: I can't drink, Rollie.
Roland: Oh right, you're driving. Uh, you know what, Twyla, actually, let's just do one beer, one beer for me.

Quote from Patrick

Stevie: Ooh, what's that?
Patrick: What's what?
Stevie: You got a little red um is that a bug bite? Or a little mouth shaped sunburn? Looks like a hickey, actually.
Patrick: But it's not- It's not a- It's not a hickey, right? Because that would be disgusting, and wildly unprofessional. David, did you give me a hickey?!
David: Okay no, I didn't, I gave you a- a half hickey, because we haven't had the time or the privacy for me to give you a full hickey!

Quote from Moira

Moira: Alexis isn't the one who's pregnant. Someone else is, but don't press me for details, because I've been sworn to secrecy.
Johnny: You've been sworn-
Moira: It's Jocelyn! But you're not supposed to know. She hasn't told Roland yet.
Johnny: Jocelyn! Huh?
Moira: She was appropriately gobsmacked herself. And I must say, I am entirely relieved.
Johnny: Yeah, that's it's not Alexis!
Moira: But save that spreadsheet, John, and you might want to add a line item for prophylactics. Tomorrow's another day.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: I would like a refund, please.
Gary: Uh, the problem is, is we don't give refunds.
Alexis: Okay, then I guess I would just like my money back, then.
Gary: Again, we don't give refunds.
Alexis: Okay, okay. This is the first time that I've ever invested in anything myself, and I thought that was like, the responsible choice, but clearly, this is like, a joke school.
Gary: Well, that's why most students do their courses online.
Alexis: Oh. So like, potentially, I could refund my refund request, do all my courses online, and like, never have to ever come back here again?
Gary: That's actually how I keep my side hustle going, part time DJ. Here's my card, in case you have any problems, or you wanna go on a date, or something.
Alexis: Okay. Well, I won't be doing any of that, but thank you so much.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Okay, so I'm thinking like, season five Carrie Bradshaw, like, super professional and polished, but also like, chill and flirty in an impossibly expensive sort of way.
David: You do know that this is your first day at Elmdale College, and not Vogue, right?
Alexis: Hush, David, because Jocelyn said that only her top students go to Elmdale.
David: Okay, I think that says more about Jocelyn as a teacher than it does her students.

Quote from David

Johnny: Well, it's a smiley face, so I'm assuming it's a positive result.
David: Well, that's presumptuous.

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