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34Quotes from ‘The Hospies’

Schitt's Creek: The Hospies

508. The Hospies

Aired February 26, 2019

Johnny and Stevie attend a regional hospitality awards show. Meanwhile, Moira and Jocelyn search for their Cabaret leading actress, and Patrick tries to push Ronnie along with the renovation of the store's bathroom.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: [singing] Are you ready? Let's do it. I'm a Lamborghini I'm a Hollywood star I'm a little bit tipsy When I drive my car I'm expensive sushi I'm a huge, huge yacht I'm a little bit single Even when I'm not Ah! Ah! I'm little bit I'm a little bit I'm a little bit of la la la-la-la-la-la A little bit Alexis La la la-la-la-la-la A little bit Alexis
Jocelyn: Oh wow, okay. [stops music]
Alexis: La-la-la.
Jocelyn: Just wonderful.
Alexis: Okay, yeah, I still actually had a few more verses. And in the last verse, I really get to showcase my range.

Quote from Alexis

Jocelyn: Well, I'm sure that Alexis has a song that she could sing for the audition.
Alexis: Audition? Okay, do I have to remind you about the album that I released?
Jocelyn: Moira, what's the worst that can happen?
Moira: Besides the inevitable accusations of nepotism!
Johnny: Well, for what it's worth, Alexis, I always thought "Hampton's Hoes" was quite catchy.
Alexis: Boop!

Quote from Moira

Moira: So what do we think?
Jocelyn: Well, there is a place for her somewhere.
Moira: On stage?!
Jocelyn: No! Moira, I saw your talent, and I thought, well, the apple can't fall far from the tree.
Moira: Different orchard, Jocelyn. Though I do admire the confidence.
Jocelyn: What are we gonna do now?
Moira: "We?" We are at the precise intersection of which I tried to steer us clear. No, Babs Streisand's vocal coach quit the business after just two lessons with our sweet Alexis. He now lives in a monastery.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: I'll step in as the star of your musical.
Moira: No! No, with your responsibilities as our in-house publicist, I couldn't ask you to do that now.
Alexis: Okay, well, you seem pretty desperate, so I'm happy to help.
Johnny: Well, Moira, I'd consider it. I mean, we did spend all that money flying in Barbra Streisand's vocal coach that summer Alexis wanted to be the next Jessica Simpson.
Moira: Alexis, a brief stint on a reality show, that's one thing, but acting? That's..?
Alexis: Um, the producers of "A Little Bit Alexis" insisted that I take acting classes after we started shooting, so...

Quote from Roland

Roland: Hello, guys, uh whoa! Look at us! Who are we? Brad Pitt and his handsome brother? And Johnny?
Johnny: Why the jacket, Roland? You know you're not going to the awards.
Roland: Johnny, you asked me to manage the motel while you were away. I'm not gonna show up just dressed like some schlub off the street!
Stevie: Like you do every day?
Roland: Wow, okay. This one puts on a dress and suddenly she's Rita Rudner. Guys, I am really gonna miss this workplace banter.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Okay, you're actively trying to prevent Alexis from auditioning here, and I don't want to get in the middle of some mother daughter competition thing...
Moira: Competition! Nothing of the sort. No, Alexis just doesn't have the life experience.
Jocelyn: Really? Because according to her stories...
Moira: Well, she's had her fair share of adventures, yes. But the role of Sally Bowles requires an actress who can mine a deeper, darker cave. A woman encumbered with secrets she will take with her to the tomb. Hence the high praise Gina Gershon and I received for the role.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Hi, my name is Alexis Rose, represented by Alexis Rose Talent.
Jocelyn: Okay, what are you gonna be singing for us today, Alexis?
Alexis: I have chosen to perform the title track off of my critically reviewed, limited reality series, "A Little Bit Alexis."
Jocelyn: Ooh!
Alexis: Feel free to sing along if you know the words.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Well, hello, you!
Stevie: Mrs. Rose, what are you doing here?
Moira: I thought you and I might celebrate your big award!
Stevie: Come in. Oh, thank you.
Moira: And I was made aware there was a loss, as well.
Stevie: Yeah. Turns out, someone who's been working the front desk of a motel her whole life isn't exactly a turn-on.
Moira: I was speaking of his loss. Stevie, underneath the brambly tartan blousant is a chrysalis, just bursting with potential.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Very dapper, Mr. Rose! Like the maestro of a Lebanese orchestra.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Oh, Stevie. You look very nice.
Stevie: No, I don't.
Johnny: Uh, yes, you do! Very spiffy! That's a lovely dress.
Stevie: I literally pulled it out of the laundry, Mr. Rose. I've had it forever.
Johnny: You know it's not a bad thing to admit you really care about these awards, Stevie. You're bringing a bag? You know, I almost brought a change of clothes myself. Moira told me to pack a second suit for the after-party, but uh, who am I, George Clooney?

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: Hey. You're home. I was just gonna leave you that little note and a box of chocolates.
Alexis: I got the part, didn't I? Come in, come in! Ohhh Yay! Nom nom!
Jocelyn: I now see that there are different ways to interpret chocolates. Alexis, I just wanted to say...
Moira: Am I hearing Jocelyn?
Alexis: Yeah, she's come to tell me the good news!
Moira: Oh, did she? Chocolates? Are we celebrating, Jocelyn?
Jocelyn: The chocolates were a mistake.

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: Congratulations, Johnny, I never thought I'd see this little motel recognized for anything, besides the occasional cockroach. [laughs] I made myself laugh there.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: It's the last day of our auditions, Moira. We might have to lower our standards if we're gonna find our lead.
Moira: Lowering your standards is a slippery slope, Jocelyn. Next thing I know you'll be telling me we'll be staging this production at the school gymnasium.

Quote from Moira

Moira: The revisions for your acceptance speech are on the vanity, dear.
Johnny: Oh, thank you, sweetheart. So how's the uh, casting hunt going?
Moira: Oh, disconsolate, John. We may be looking at putting an ad in broadwayworld.com. Perhaps there's a chorus girl on holiday, looking for a leg up.

Quote from David

David: I just don't get the big reveal, it's a bathroom.
Patrick: It's not just a bathroom, David, it's a passion project.
David: I'd kill to be that passionate about a bathroom that you've now decided to open up to the entire town.
Patrick: Yeah, well, we can't afford to keep a private bathroom, David, we're losing customers to the cafe. Besides, you're the one who started serving booze at those evening events.
David: Um, those evening events are part of a summer series. We sold 30 dreamcatchers at that Cosmic Meditation Clinic.

Quote from David

Patrick: What the f-?
David: So, I'm confused. Where does the bathroom start, and all this garbage end?
Patrick: Ronnie swore this would be done today.
Ronnie: Yep, but you ran out of tiles. It doesn't help that you picked the most expensive ones.
David: Okay, you asked for my opinion. I don't know how much Romanian marble costs!

Quote from Patrick

Ronnie: I was hoping to get my hands on a few more in an hour or so, but that is TBC at this point.
Patrick: Okay, Ronnie, uh, this installation was just supposed to last two days. And now half of our store is covered in tarps, and David's organized some writers' retreat for tomorrow night.
David: It's a calligraphy workshop.
Ronnie: We're working as fast as we can, you have my cell!
David: Could you have not at least asked her to finesse the tarps? I mean, there's green tape everywhere!
Patrick: The tarps aren't staying up, David. This bathroom's getting finished today, because that's what we discussed, that's what's gonna happen.
David: Okay, it's just that you waited until after she left to put your lil' foot down, so I'm just not sure if she's aware of that plan.
Patrick: She obviously thinks we're a couple of pushovers.
David: Okay, speak for yourself. All I did was pick out some gorgeous tile.

Quote from Moira

Auditioner: I'm pregnant. That's it, that's the end of my audition.
Moira: Indeed it is.
Auditioner: I'm fine with nudity.
Jocelyn: Not necessary. Thank you.
Moira: She looks like she may have seen the inside of a smoky German bar or two. Who knows, a haircut, some dance lessons...
Jocelyn: Moira, I feel like we're really scraping the bottom of the barrel here. I think that we should bring Alexis in.
Moira: Jabberwocky! There are still stones left unturned!

Quote from Ronnie

Roland: Oh hey, Pat. What are you doing? Playing hooky, or did the store finally close?
Ronnie: Ha! I don't laugh a lot, but that was good.
Patrick: That is funny, especially considering we are open, but hey, who knows for how long? Because right now, it sorta looks like a quarantine station.
Ronnie: I'm sorry, are you implying something?
Patrick: You know, I'm just saying, uh, the bathroom's supposed to be done today, and you say you're working as fast as you can, but, uh, here I find you with Roland.
Ronnie: Okay, FYI. Roland is the hook-up for your tiles. His cousin, Arnie, gets them at cost. So I thought I would thank Roland by buying him lunch. Because that's how I do business.
Patrick: Makes sense. I was just sort of, uh, checking in.
Ronnie: I could always cancel the order, if that's how you wanna do business.
Roland: Ooh! Ouch. I would run out and get some Aloe vera pal, 'cause you just got burned.

Quote from David

David: Okay, do you still need to use the restroom?
Patrick: What? Nope. Uh, came here for you. So we should go.
Ronnie: Thanks for checking in.
David: [to Patrick] Is everything okay? You look more pale than normal.

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: Maybe there's a better role for you.
Alexis: What's better than the lead?
Moira: Yes, I'm curious about that as well.
Jocelyn: Kit Kat Club Dancer Number Six! Hah!
Alexis: Sorry?
Jocelyn: She doesn't have a lot of lines, but she has a very sexy costume, and a lot of face time on stage, which I know that you love.
Alexis: I love both of those things. Okay, um would that require like, another audition?
Jocelyn: No, no! No, the part is yours.

Quote from Alexis

Moira: Jocelyn, how wonderfully generous of us.
Alexis: Okay. Well, I'm guess I'll have to put you in touch with my agent. But I think you already have her number. And we'll get going on negotiations!
Moira: I would have my agent accept that offer, dear.
Jocelyn: Yes.

Quote from Ronnie

Patrick: So what would be the update on the tiles, then?
Ronnie: Funny you should ask. I was just heading out to run them over.
David: Hmm. So I wonder if you still need the basket, then.
Ronnie: Oh, I still need the basket.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Well, the kind of shock I'm referring to, Stevie, will not come in the form of a man.
Stevie: What is this?
Moira: Oh, just a gift that once jolted me out of my little Podunk routine.
Stevie: Me, in front of people? I am not an actor.
Moira: And neither is the lead in the play. She's simply a headstrong young woman, who's been knocked about a few times, and looking to make the most of herself.
Johnny: Did Mr. Rose put you up to this?
Moira: No, this inspired piece of stunt-casting was an idea all my own. And we can't find anyone else.

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: David, look. Ronnie is sitting in that booth with Roland, laughing about something.
David: Okay.
Patrick: She says she's working as fast as she can. We don't have a bathroom, David!
David: I'm well aware of that.
Patrick: You know, my uncle's a contractor. I know how this works, you've gotta stay on top of it, or they will find a million reasons to just drag it out.
David: Mmm-hmm, well, my ex-best friend was a crisis manager, and she told me multiple times, not to talk to anyone. Especially while they're eating. So I'm gonna just...

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Well, you got back at the perfect time. Elmdale Moto Lodge just won "Best Motel Suite." Coincidentally, the Hospies Committee just had their retreat there last fall. I'm not saying something's up, but uh...

Quote from Johnny

Emcee: The winner is Rosebud Motel.
Johnny: Oh! Yes! Stevie, we did it! Oh, my God! Oh! Stevie! Look at her, she's stunned!

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Alexis, after very careful consideration, I've decided that you are overqualified for the role.
Alexis: I know, but I'm totally fine with that.
Jocelyn: And I really value you as our in-house publicist.
Moira: Jocelyn, no. Oh, we can see where this is going.
Jocelyn: Part of me thinks that maybe we should give the role to somebody who really needs it.
Moira: Oh, Alexis, I wanted to fight for you, but I had to recuse myself as your Mummy!

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Okay, um Who did you pick?
Jocelyn: We're still looking.
Alexis: So you picked no one over me?
Moira: That would be a Jocelyn question.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: How 'bout that, partner, huh? Not bad for a couple of years' work. Hey trust me, I'm just as shocked as you are. But this is ours, and no one can take it from us.
Emcee: Sorry, sir, uh, I'm gonna need to take that for the next category. We'll be mailing yours in six to eight weeks, along with the bill.
Johnny: Okay, great. Yeah, okay. Well, that's probably for the best, I mean, I don't wanna be lugging that thing around to all the after-parties.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Your weekend plans got pushed, or..?
Stevie: Uh no, just cancelled. It was a stupid idea anyways. I don't know what I was thinking.
Johnny: Okay, well, you know what, if it's okay with you, why don't we beat the traffic, and just just head home, 'cause I gotta be honest, I'm I'm feeling awfully tired, actually.
Stevie: Mr. Rose, I know how important this is to you.
Johnny: Oh, Stevie, we got what we came for. Well, we didn't actually get it, they took it back. I mean, what kind of cheap-ass award show takes back an award?!
Stevie: Mr. Rose, I don't think I can go back out there.
Johnny: Well, tell you what, you stay here, I'll grab your bag, and maybe a few shrimp for the road?
Stevie: Yeah, thanks.

Quote from David

Patrick: Ronnie, we want to apologize for the miscommunication this afternoon.
David: We?
Patrick: What's that? This is just a- an expression of our continued appreciation.
Ronnie: I don't see any of that blue cheese in here.
Patrick: David, did you put any of the blue cheese in there for Ronnie?
David: That cheese was very expensive.
Patrick: We'd be happy to run some over.

Quote from David

Patrick: So, uh, does this mean that the whole project could be wrapped up then, by tonight?
Ronnie: Did I just say that I was heading out right now?
David: Yes, she did!
Patrick: She did, great. Uh so, should we just jump in with you?
Ronnie: I don't think so.
David: What about just me then, Ronnie? This went well... I think.
Patrick: Yeah.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I should've led with this. Please tell me you can sing.
Stevie: I sing in the car.
Moira: Good enough. Okay. Peruse. At your leisure.
Stevie: Okay.
Moira: Oh, I see you've opened a bottle of wine already, I won't burden you with another. Bye.


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