Moira: And who, may I ask, is bold enough to scale this cultural monolith?
Patrick: Jocelyn's actually directing for the community theatre, so.
Moira: Jocelyn?
David: That's very ambitious of Jocelyn.
Patrick: Yeah, well, I just thought it could be a fun thing to do.
Moira: Yes, the exact sentiment expressed by the passengers as they stepped aboard the Titanic.
David: Okay, well, that's really encouraging.
Moira: What?! They were having a rip-roaring bash before that bloody iceberg.

David: Roland. You brought a baby into the store.
Roland: Shhh. Yeah. And I don't know why I haven't brought him in sooner, this place is perfect.
David: Thank you so much.
Roland: Yeah, they say that babies fall asleep quickest when they're surrounded by an eerie, almost crypt-like silence.
David: What can I do to shorten your stay in my store, Roland?
Roland: Oh, uh, Joce wanted me to pick up uh, some of this. This organic applesauce. Organic. Listen to me! Who am I? Gwyneth Paltrow?

Jocelyn: Moira since you have the strong personal connection to "Cabaret", do you think that you could help me?
Moira: No, this is your bébé, Jocelyn, and an artistic cradle robber, I am not.
Jocelyn: Okay, it's just that I have this actual baby at home, plus a whole lot of term papers to grade.
Moira: I wouldn't want to step on anyone's toes. But if you would indulge me a promenade along memory lane, I'd love to sit in on the auditions.
Jocelyn: Okay, if that's as much as you're willing to contribute. All righty.
Moira: It's settled, then. Consider me a silent monarch on the wall.

Cheryl: And there he was, naked as the day he was born, just wailing! It had rained, and his cotton candy was melting all down his hand!
Ted: Yeah, that was fun, but uh, maybe we can start telling some stories about someone else who was naked and crying?
Alexis: Okay, fine, but I think everyone here has already heard about my Vin Diesel adventure.

Moira: The year was 1979.
David: '79.
Moira: I was but 17.
David: She was not 17.
Moira: Hostessing at a charming gas station deli, when the great director, Rocky Nickels, came in for a Reuben. That's a sandwich. Little did he know, he would end up biting into something far more suffonsifying.
David: Far more suffonsifying.
Moira: A ripe young actress who he'd soon cast in the leading role of Sally Bowles.
David: Sally Bowles, yes.
Moira: In the production of [in unison] "Cabaret". Yes! Ask me how many ovations I got on closing night.
David: Six.
Moira: David, you know the answer!
Patrick: That's a lot of ovations.
Moira: Mmm-hmm, three by demand, and three on the house.

Moira: Okay, the thing you must understand about Cliff, Patrick, is that he has been with many women, but he's never derived true pleasure from it.
Patrick: I think I can wrap my head around that.

Tina: Tina Holbridge. It is so nice to meet you. I've just been spending the whole afternoon with your two special guys.
Roland: Oh, well, you know, Roland Jr. and I, are gettin' there, but, uh, this guy, I've known him for a long time. You know that he, uh, took me shopping once?
David: Yeah, you know what? Are you ready to take, um, him? Because I'm sure you have a busy day.
Roland: Yeah, I should probably grab him, and go. I'm sorry, I would've been here sooner, but I got electrocuted three times. And the last time I didn't bounce back quite as fast.
David: Well, the important part is that you're-you're here now.
Roland: Yeah, and luckily Gwen's fine, too. I don't know why she was wearing that rubber dress when she cut that wire, but it saved her life.

Jocelyn: Actually, working with you made me realize that I may not have the skills to do this. But you, you were practically directing by yourself today.
Moira: Oh, Jocelyn, thank you. And now I fear I've overstepped.
Jocelyn: No, no, no, please! Step all over me. You should be the director, it's clearly in your blood.
Moira: Well, humility forbids me from thinking I could become a quadruple threat that easily.

Patrick: Hi, Mrs. Rose.
Moira: Hello, Patrick. Care to ensconce yourself?
Patrick: Oh, I wish I could. Um, David? You told me you were just running across the street for a cup of coffee.
David: But then I got hungry. I hadn't eaten since last night.
Patrick: It's just that I have to get ready for my audition, and somebody has to be at the store, so.
Moira: You're being audited? Those bastards!

David: Everything okay?
Roland: Well, Gwen was trimming that big oak tree behind her place, and she took out a power line, and now there are live wires flailing every which way but loose. [laughs] So I guess, uh, Rollie Jr. and I should head over there. Hey, this applesauce, it's not gonna go bad in the sun, is it?
David: I'd be more concerned about the baby, but what do I know?