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37Quotes from ‘A Whisper of Desire’

Schitt's Creek: A Whisper of Desire

507. A Whisper of Desire

Aired February 19, 2019

Johnny thinks Ted's mother, Cheryl, is hitting on him. Meanwhile, Moira joins Jocelyn as she auditions actors for a production of Cabaret, and David looks after Roland Jr.

Quote from Moira

Moira: And who, may I ask, is bold enough to scale this cultural monolith?
Patrick: Jocelyn's actually directing for the community theatre, so.
David: Jocelyn? That's very ambitious of Jocelyn.
Patrick: Yeah well, I just thought it could be a fun thing to do.
Moira: Yes, the exact sentiment expressed by the passengers as they stepped aboard the Titanic.
David: Okay, well, that's really encouraging.
Moira: What?! They were having a rip-roaring bash before that bloody iceberg.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Moira since you have the strong personal connection to "Cabaret", do you think that you could help me?
Moira: No, this is your bébé, Jocelyn, and an artistic cradle robber, I am not.
Jocelyn: Okay, it's just that I have this actual baby at home, plus a whole lot of term papers to grade.
Moira: I wouldn't want to step on anyone's toes. But if you would indulge me a promenade along memory lane, I'd love to sit in on the auditions.
Jocelyn: Okay, if that's as much as you're willing to contribute. All righty.
Moira: It's settled, then. Consider me a silent monarch on the wall.

Quote from Roland

David: Roland. You brought a baby into the store.
Roland: Shhh. Yeah. And I don't know why I haven't brought him in sooner, this place is perfect.
David: Thank you so much.
Roland: Yeah, they say that babies fall asleep quickest when they're surrounded by an eerie, almost crypt-like silence.
David: What can I do to shorten your stay in my store, Roland?
Roland: Oh, uh, Joce wanted me to pick up uh, some of this. This organic applesauce. Organic. Listen to me! Who am I? Gwyneth Paltrow?

Quote from Alexis

Cheryl: And there he was, naked as the day he was born, just wailing! It had rained, and his cotton candy was melting all down his hand!
Ted: Yeah, that was fun, but uh, maybe we can start telling some stories about someone else who was naked and crying?
Alexis: Okay, fine, but I think everyone here has already heard about my Vin Diesel adventure.

Quote from Moira

Moira: The year was 1979.
David: '79.
Moira: I was but 17.
David: She was not 17.
Moira: Hostessing at a charming gas station deli, when the great director, Rocky Nickels, came in for a Reuben. That's a sandwich. Little did he know, he would end up biting into something far more suffonsifying.
David: Far more suffonsifying.
Moira: A ripe young actress who he'd soon cast in the leading role of Sally Bowles.
David: Sally Bowles, yes.
Moira: In the production of [in unison] "Cabaret". Yes! Ask me how many ovations I got on closing night.
David: Six.
Moira: David, you know the answer!
Patrick: That's a lot of ovations.
Moira: Mmm-hmm, three by demand, and three on the house.

Quote from Moira

Patrick: Hi, Mrs. Rose.
Moira: Hello, Patrick. Care to ensconce yourself?
Patrick: Oh, I wish I could. Um, David? You told me you were just running across the street for a cup of coffee.
David: But then I got hungry. I hadn't eaten since last night.
Patrick: It's just that I have to get ready for my audition, and somebody has to be at the store, so.
Moira: You're being audited? Those bastards!

Quote from Roland

David: Everything okay?
Roland: Well, Gwen was trimming that big oak tree behind her place, and she took out a power line, and now there are live wires flailing every which way but loose. [laughs] So I guess, uh, Rollie Jr. and I should head over there. Hey, this applesauce, it's not gonna go bad in the sun, is it?
David: I'd be more concerned about the baby, but what do I know?

Quote from David

Roland: You know what I'll do? I'll leave 'em both here.
David: No! No, absolutely not! I have a meeting in half an hour with a potential big money client, and a rogue baby in my store does not present as polished, or professional.
Roland: He'll be fine. If he gets cranky, give him some applesauce.
David: Those are $10 a jar!
Roland: Okay. [exits]
David: Dammit! [Roland Jr. cries] No, I will not accept that.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Well, Stevie uh can you run some towels down to room four?
Stevie: Why do I need to do it?
Alexis: Okay, what's the big deal? Just walk them over, and drop them off.
Johnny: Well, Alexis, if you must know, when I was checking Cheryl in this morning, I-I got a bit of a vibe.
Stevie: Ew, what kind of vibe?
Johnny: I think I might've gotten a whisper of desire.
Alexis: "Whisper of des-" Oh, my God! Please never use that phrase like, ever again.

Quote from David

David: Oh my goodness! We are so excited at the prospect of working with "Premium Parties".
Tina: Oh, that's very sweet.
David: Yeah, so as you know, we can source basically anything you need when it comes to party essentials. Gift bags, catering, Shaman-blessed crystals, artisanal Reiki gloves.

Quote from David

Tina: Oh, I didn't know that you had a little guy!
David: Yeah, his dad is just out right now, but he should be back any time. Oh yeah, they say that, and next thing you know, it's been an hour, am I right?
David: Yes. Yeah. They say it's an emergency, but is it really, Tina?
Tina: Yeah, so tell me the last time that watching the new "Fast and the Furious" was an emergency!

Quote from Patrick

Moira: Okay, the thing you must understand about Cliff, Patrick, is that he has been with many women, but he's never derived true pleasure from it.
Patrick: I think I can wrap my head around that.

Quote from Roland

Tina: Tina Holbridge. It is so nice to meet you. I've just been spending the whole afternoon with your two special guys.
Roland: Oh, well, you know, Roland Jr. and I, are gettin' there, but, uh, this guy, I've known him for a long time. You know that he, uh, took me shopping once?
David: Yeah, you know what? Are you ready to take, um, him? Because I'm sure you have a busy day.
Roland: Yeah, I should probably grab him, and go. I'm sorry, I would've been here sooner, but I got electrocuted three times. And the last time I didn't bounce back quite as fast.
David: Well, the important part is that you're-you're here now.
Roland: Yeah, and luckily Gwen's fine, too. I don't know why she was wearing that rubber dress when she cut that wire, but it saved her life.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Well, I think you deserve most of the credit. You know, watching you work with the actors today, I think it was pretty obvious that you should-
Moira: Reprise my role of Sally?
Jocelyn: Uh, maybe? But-
Moira: There's the age discrepancy. Bit of a challenge there. Although I did play Liesl Von Trapp at 50.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Actually working with you made me realize that I may not have the skills to do this. But you, you were practically directly by yourself today.
Moira: Oh, Jocelyn, thank you. And now I fear I've overstepped.
Jocelyn: No, no, no, please! Step all over me. You should be the director, it's clearly in your blood.
Moira: Well, humility forbids me from thinking I could become a quadruple threat that easily.

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: Please, Moira. You'd be doing me a favour. I mean, it's either that, or you could call Mr. and Mrs. Tekenos and let them know that their daughter bit another student at school today.
Moira: I accept.
Jocelyn: Thank you, Moira! I am happily stepping down.
Moira: In title only. You will be there with me every step of the way, Jocelyn. Assistant directing.
Jocelyn: Assistant directing?
Moira: Mmm-hmm, some would argue it's even more responsibility than directing.
Jocelyn: What have I done? No!

Quote from Moira

Moira: David.
David: Hmm?
Moira: Perhaps your indigestion is caused by the speed with which you consume your food.
David: We should do breakfast more often, this is really fun.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Hey, Stevie. [to female guest] Excuse me, I'll just be a minute. I just heard from Alexis that Ted's mom, Cheryl, will be coming in from Elm Ridge, and joining us for the weekend. So uh, I'd like to just keep an eye out for her, okay? She's a lovely woman, very striking, full-figured-
Stevie: Mr. Rose!
Cheryl: It's Cheryl Mullens.
Johnny: Cheryl!
Cheryl: Yes!
Johnny: Oh, I-I-I I didn't recognize you there for some reason.
Cheryl: Well, I lost 80 pounds, I changed my diet, and I started taking Zumba classes.
Johnny: Well, good for Zumba.
Cheryl: And you haven't changed at all, Johnny. Still as handsome as ever.
Johnny: Oh, well, there you go.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Uh anyway, we're gonna put you in our best room, okay?
Cheryl: Aw!
Johnny: And, tell you what. It's on us, Cheryl.
Stevie: Is it?!
Cheryl: Thank you. You're a sweetheart. They don't make men like you anymore.
Johnny: Well, we try to treat people good. Try to treat good... [laughs] Have a nice room. Day! Day. Have a nice day in your room.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Jocelyn!
Jocelyn: What the- Moira! You really snuck up on me there. Those shoes do not make a sound.
Moira: Blame Wang.

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: What're you doing here?
Moira: Alas, I was sure there was a council-related symposium here this afternoon, but it appears the room has been set up in an audition configuration?
Jocelyn: I'm so glad I'm doing it right. Today is day one of auditions for "Cabaret".
Moira: "Cabaret!"
Jocelyn: Yeah, I actually wanted to do "Cats", but everybody said that it was too political, so.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I'm not sure you're aware of this Jocelyn, but "Cabaret" is the very show that launched my career.
Jocelyn: Right!
Moira: Mmm-hmm.
Jocelyn: 1979, you had a Reuben.
Moira: No, but never mind.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: My face was touched. She was doing this. She called me handsome!
Alexis: Okay, Cheryl is in a happy marriage. She just happens to be very like, warm, and affectionate.
Johnny: Her hand was warm and affectionate.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Psh! Shh! Wait! Do you hear that?
Johnny: What?
Stevie: It's like a faint whisper of desire.
Alexis: That was a good one.
Stevie: Thanks! [Alexis tries to high five Stevie] Oh boy. Don't do that.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Wow, Bob. Who knew you were a man of so many talents? Well, I don't need to see any more. Bob-
Moira: Ahem!
Jocelyn: Moira, is there anything you'd like to add to Bob's audition?
Moira: I'm just marinating in memories.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Okay well, we start rehearsals-
Moira: But while I marinate, it might be worth observing your giving Bob a slight redirection. If that's all right?
Bob: Oh, I've cleared my afternoon for this.
Jocelyn: Okay, uh well, try it um, angrier? You know, like, grr, put your hands on your hips.
Bob: Like this?
Moira: Oh dear.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Well, it seems to me, that it would be helpful to both of us if you would just join us here at the table.
Moira: Well, there's a note I'm incapable of rebuffing. You heard the director. Thank you.
Bob: Do you want me to sing "Ave Maria" again?
Moira: If you must, but I think what Jocelyn is looking for here is a foreboding vibration of pre-war Berlin, easy on the accent.
Bob: Roger that, yeah. [laughs, runs up, puts his hands on his hip]

Quote from David

Tina: It must be so helpful to have your own little product tester here in the store with you.
David: You know what? Why don't you take this home with you, try it out on your little one.
Tina: You know, I'm actually throwing a baby shower next week, uh, but I mean, that's probably not enough notice for you.
David: I threw a baby shower for my dear friend, Jocelyn, within a day, I'm pretty sure I can get supplies by next week.
Tina: You two might be my new favourite vendors. Do you think that maybe he could um, show me around?
David: Yeah. You want, you wanna show her around, little tyke?
Tina: Show me around.

Quote from Alexis

Ted: Mom, I really wish I'd have known about this trip a little bit sooner, I wouldn't have asked Alexis to help me out at the clinic today, and she could've kept you company.
Alexis: Mmm-hmm, I also wish you hadn't asked me to help out at the clinic today.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: So Ted, your mom is currently unattached?
Ted: Yeah, yeah, but she's in a much better place these days. She's got like, a whole new lease on life. She told me that she's just going after whatever she wants, no holds barred!
Johnny: Oh, well hopefully, some holds barred.
Cheryl: Johnny? I'm ready to go.
Alexis: Um, Dad, if you do have too much work this afternoon...
Johnny: Well, we're in it now, Alexis.

Quote from Jocelyn

Moira: Patrick, thank you. Or should I say thank you to our new Emcee!
Jocelyn: Oh no, no, Patrick was auditioning for the role of Cliff.
Moira: Yes, he was. But we all know you put your biggest talent front and centre. Isn't that right, Jocelyn?
Jocelyn: Sure. As long as I never have to act again.
Moira: Okay, no.
Patrick: Thank you!
Jocelyn: We'll- We'll call your people.

Quote from David

David: So, if ever you need me to babysit this little one, I have some openings.
Roland: Oh, well, that's great, because Joce and I were thinking about going to the movies tomorrow night.
David: I was thinking next Wednesday between four and five pm.
Roland: Mm, yeah, no, Thursday, that's probably gonna be better for us.
David: Let's go with Wednesday.

Quote from Johnny

Cheryl: Alexis, I was just about to tell Johnny, so I might as well tell you, too. Ted's Step-Dad and I have separated.
Alexis: Oh, my gosh.
Johnny: Oh!
Cheryl: It's for the best. In fact, I think I've already started to develop feelings for someone new.
Alexis: So soon?
Cheryl: You wanna know the best part?
Johnny: Not necessarily.

Quote from Ted

Cheryl: He's charming, and handsome.
Johnny: Okay, I think we understand where this is going.
Cheryl: And ten years younger!
Alexis: Than?
Cheryl: I've fallen for my Zumba instructor.
Ted: Bill?
Cheryl: Bill.
Ted: Well, Bill's great! Does this mean that I get his gym discount?
Cheryl: It does!

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Oh! I'm just worried about what that young, hot young Zumba instructor is gonna do when he finds out that Cheryl has a huge crush on you.
Johnny: Okay, Alexis. But you bought into it for a second there.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Well that was a great day of auditions today, Moira.
Moira: Agreed. Wow, in a desert of mediocrity, you managed to divine a quiet revelation in Ronnie's Fraulein Schneider.

Quote from David

Tina: How old's this little one?
David: He's, um, three to four months.
Tina: Oh, wow. He's huge for four months.
David: Mm, big eater. You know, we-we do sell these delicious granola bars.
Tina: You're giving him granola?
David: No, no, I eat the granola bars, while taking care of him. He prefers, um, the organic applesauce.


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