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36Quotes from ‘Asbestos Fest’

Schitt's Creek: Asbestos Fest

403. Asbestos Fest

Aired January 23, 2018

Moira drives Jocelyn crazy when she won't make up her mind about her performance at a local charity event. Meanwhile, Johnny and Stevie wonder why Roland is lurking around the motel, and Alexis helps David and Patrick deal with some teens loitering outside the store.

Quote from Moira

Moira: You know, I know all about being left in the lurch for a fundraiser. Eva Longoria and I were supposed to perform our ventriloquist act for the "Everybody Nose" benefit for juvenile rhinoplasty, when she suddenly drops out due to exhaustion. I had to be both puppet, and puppeteer.

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Quote from Roland

Roland: No, I need to clean a toilet!
Johnny: You need to clean a toilet?
Roland: [sighs] Yeah, I need to Johnny, I- I mean, with the new baby coming, things are a little tight. Joce and I have been trying to save, but we've been living off cold cuts and waffles. And Jocelyn had to sell her Beanie Baby collection. She didn't get half what that Diana Bear was worth. And now she's working nights down at the gas station.
Johnny: She's working nights?
Roland: No, she's not, but she will have to if things get really bad.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Okay, you know what, Moira? There's just a lot going on right now. I've got a list of three different numbers that you're choosing from, and what would really be helpful to everyone, and when I say everyone, I mean me, is if you could just nail down which one you're gonna perform tonight. I did get the set list from the children's choir two weeks ago.
Moira: I- The easiest to go with is probably "Shoes, Glorious Shoes, the Imelda Marcos Story."
Jocelyn: Okay.
Moira: Never mind. I am going to dust off "Two Heads are Better".
Jocelyn: The one woman Siamese twin play.
Moira: Yes! No! No, you know what? I am going to resurrect "One Crazy Summer, The Patty Hearst Story." It's a tale of perseverance, much like your quest to bring asbestos back to the town.
Jocelyn: Okay, well first of all, we're trying to get rid of the asbestos, Moira, and we really just need you to make a decision, now.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Those kids are one hundred percent stealing from you.
David: I don't think so.
Alexis: Okay. They split up into four different directions, one takes the back left corner, one takes the right, one of them asks you if you have those wool hoodies in a different size, while the last one compliments you on your cuticle game. And while you're lapping all that up, the two in the back corner are filling their backpacks full of facial cleanser. It's the exact same move that I used with my klepto friends in the Hamptons.

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: What are you saying?
Moira: I'm saying I am stepping out of the limelight, Jocelyn.
Jocelyn: But we already re-printed the posters from "TV's Moira Rose," to "Television's Moira Rose!"
Moira: And that's great, that will get them in the door and then the kids take over from there! That's-
Jocelyn: Okay. I see what's going on here. Somebody's got cold feet.
Moira: Ha ha. Blocks of ice. I bit off more than I could chew.
Jocelyn: You know what, Moira, we have all been there. Yeah. On my wedding day, I thought, what if I just got in my car and drove to New Mexico, and left Roland at the altar at the Elmdale Bingo Hall? Bottom line, I got cold feet too, and I faced my fears, and now look at us! 27 years of bliss.
Moira: Was I to perceive something encouraging within that little anecdote?

Quote from Moira

Moira: Well, let me think. Uh, "Two Heads" it is. The Foxwood Casino Gazette did say it was a performance they'd never seen before. Don't write that down.
Jocelyn: Okay Moira, I just wanna slap you right across the face.
Moira: Patty it is! Patty. Although, Jocelyn, I'm wondering, does "TV's Moira Rose" send a different message than "television's Moira Rose?" Something to think about? I said, something to think about! [to her poster] Hello, you.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: You know, when I started Rose Video we had one employee per store working start to close, so keeping an eye on the bottom line, that's how a young business grows.
Roland: Uh huh.
Johnny: Besides, Stevie and I are managing just fine on our own.
Roland: All I'm saying is keep an open mind, okay? It might be nice to have a guy around here who has some basic skills for a change. And I'm sorry, but we all know how Rose Video turned out!

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Did you ask him why he's been wandering around with a notepad, it's really starting to creep out the guests.
Johnny: Yeah, he's pitching a guy he knows to help out around the motel, but don't worry, I told him that we're a well oiled machine at this point.
Stevie: Yeah, that I've been greasing. Your new policy about helping the guests with the bags.
Johnny: Yeah, and you know, we're getting very good feedback about that on the comment cards.
Stevie: But I've been the one carrying them, because "somebody" has a bad back.
Johnny: Well, Stevie, if I lift a roll of toilet paper, you know, it flares up.
Stevie: Okay well, I'm starting to look like a Slovakian shot putter, so I'm with Roland. We're gonna be hiring someone else.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Give it an hour, they'll be back. They only took the toner and the cleanser, and if they're not selling it on the black market, then they'll need to come back and get the moisturizer, or their t-zones are going to be, like, super effed!

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: And I got you extra performance time, I got the children's choir down to one song! Some of the kids cried.
Moira: Oh, Jocelyn. Jocelyn, why? Why, why, why, would you do that?
Jocelyn: Because you asked for more time, Moira!
Moira: But Jocelyn! Did you know that rehearsal, it can be the most enlightening and even heuristic exercise.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Oh, um wait, but-you forgot something, though. What?!
Teen #2: Look, please don't do anything crazy, it took me so long to make that.
Alexis: Well, I'll be happy to give it back, when you and your skid mark friends give back all of the products that you've stolen. And if I'm being honest, someone with your combination of skin should really be using product with tea tree oil in it.

Quote from Alexis

Teen #2: I thought she was too cool to work here.
Alexis: I don't work here, and I am really cool, so. Don't do it again, and I won't call the Po Po.
Teen: Did she say Po Po?
Alexis: Okay! Okay! I think we're done here.

Quote from Roland

Stevie: Okay, uh, why don't you just start by changing the sheets?
Roland: Honey, that kinda sounds like a Johnny job to me. Why don't we just put a "J" next to that.
Johnny: No, no, no. We're putting an "R" next to that, Roland, I thought you said you had no problem doing grunt work.
Roland: Well, Johnny, how's it going to look to have the mayor of the town changing sheets?
Johnny: Uh, we change sheets.
Roland: Well great, so then, you've got it covered, let's put a big, fat "J" next to that one.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: All right. Here's what we're gonna do.
Roland: Hmm?
Johnny: We're putting an "R" beside every single thing on this list.
Roland: Got it. Okay. Now when you say "R," does that stand for Rose, as in Johnny Rose-
Johnny: Roland! It stands for Roland!

Quote from Moira

David: Ew! What are you doing in my bed?
Moira: Oh, David please, I couldn't possibly make it all the way to my own bed. I'm- I'm just, uh- I'm exhausted!
David: Was it the footwork?
Moira: Oh, it was the footwork. It was the score, it was the book, it was all of that, David. But most severely lacking was me. You were right, my dear. I've had my time, and it's over now.
David: Um, I don't think I said that.
Moira: There is an elephant in the room David, and he's whispering, "retire!" Run, David, go to Jocelyn, and tell her to cancel the evening.

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: Okay, let's have another round of applause for the children's choir, and their Kylie Minogue medley! [audience applause] Those were some racy lyrics! Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, I know that your headliner tonight is gonna surprise you, because she certainly surprised me when she told me just moments ago that she'd switched up her entire act, even though somebody put down a really hefty deposit on a wall of mirrors! [chuckle turns into a sob] Okay anyways, without further ado, the main event!

Quote from Moira

["Jingle Bells" plays on the piano]
David: Ding!
Moira: Dong!
David: Ding!
Moira: Dong!
David: Ding!
Moira: Dong!
David: Ding!
Moira: Dong!
Both: On the first day of Christmas, My true love gave to me, The keys to a Lamborghini - On the... Oh come all ye faithful Deck the halls with boughs of holly Yes, I said faithful, which rules out all of you! [forced laugh] God rest ye, merry gentlemen Let nothing you dismay may-may-may


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