Adrian Monk: Oh, ho-ho! You don't want to move there.
Sharona: Why not?
Adrian Monk: I'll capture your queen with my bishop. [Sharona licks the chess piece] What are you doing?
Sharona: What? Your move.
Adrian Monk: Okay. Okay, I win. You just forfeited.
Sharona: Why?
Adrian Monk: You can't do that. It's illegal.
Sharona: What?
Adrian Monk: You know what. You can't lick the queen. She's my queen. Doesn't matter whose queen it is. You can't lick any queen. It's an unwritten rule.
Sharona: There's an unwritten licking-the-queen rule?
Adrian Monk: You're not even allowed to touch a piece during a game. You can ask anybody.
Sharona: Oh, my God. You have been touching pieces left and right. You have been sexually harassing every piece on this board.
Adrian Monk: I was centering them. That's different.
Sharona: How's that different?
Adrian Monk: Okay. Okay. Okay. I'll move. There.
Sharona: Check.

Dr. Kroger: How do you feel when, when you lose something?
Sharona: Scared. But I can't show it because of Benjy.
Dr. Kroger: Okay, what, what are you afraid of?
Sharona: That I'm falling apart like my father.
Dr. Kroger: Tell me about that. My father was a very active man. Because he owned a hardware store back in Jersey, and, um, one morning, he never came downstairs. He wouldn't get out of bed. He said he couldn't. He said he was too tired. And he never got out of bed and my mother had to sell the store.
Dr. Kroger: I'm sorry.
Sharona: Everybody was sorry. And then he ended up in the hospital. Everybody called it a rest home, but I knew what that really was. So... You know what? All, all I can remember was that, that his room was this ugly blue color, and that it smelled like fish, and that's where he died. In that room. I was 12 at that time and... Oh, that's how old Benjy is. I swear to God, if I have a breakdown, I am never going to forgive him.
Dr. Kroger: Your father?
Sharona: Adrian.
Dr. Kroger: Sharona, you're, you're not... You're not saying that Adrian is responsible for this. You're a nurse. You know he's not... contagious.
Sharona: Look, I am with him all day, and all I know is that I was fine before I met him.

Female Officer: What's he doing?
Sharona: I love this part. He does this Zen, Sherlock Holmes thing.

Sharona: You can tell all that from the bumps in my head?
Dolly Flint: It's called phrenology. See, the shape of your head is like a spiritual road map. You just have to know how to read it.
Sharona: Feels good.
Dolly Flint: Shh. Okay. There's a young man in your life.
Sharona: That would be my son. His name's Benjy.
Dolly Flint: Oh. And another man. He's not young, but he's he's like a child.
Sharona: That would be my boss.

Sharona: Dolly? Dolly, what does he do, like, for a living? He has a job, right?
Adrian Monk: Sharona, please, please.
Sharona: What?
Adrian Monk: I'm- I'm working here. I'm working here. [Sharona licks Monk's hand] What did you do? Are you insane? I need I need a wipe.
Sharona: In the car.
Adrian Monk: Don't do this to me. Give me a wipe here.
Sharona: Go to the car and get the wipes. Go to the car.

Sharona: I have an idea. Start yawning.
Adrian Monk: Yawning?
Sharona: Yeah, to make it look like you're too tired to drive.
Adrian Monk: Why would I be too tired to drive? It's 10:00 in the morning. I'm not in kindergarten. I'm trying to get my badge back here!
Sharona: Everybody gets tired. You don't think cops get tired?
Adrian Monk: It's too late to start yawning now. I would have had to start yawning when I was upstairs to set it up.
Sharona: It is not too late to start yawning right now, because you have to start yawning at some point of the day. Everybody yawns all day. There's no rules. Yawn. [Monk yawns]

Willis: Look, truth is, I'll be out of a job soon, so if you're looking for a driver, let me know. Hey, is he a good boss?
Sharona: Well, my last paycheck bounced. I can't take a vacation because he can't live without me. And two nights ago, he called me at 4:00 a.m because he saw a cockroach.
Adrian Monk: It was pretty big.
Sharona: Yeah.

Adrian Monk: They were in it together, Captain. I'll tell you what troubled me from the very beginning the knee pads and the elbow pads. When your husband left that night, he wasn't planning to mug anyone and he wasn't planning to kill anyone. He was just going out to have a little fun. Maybe roll around on the ground. He thought he was gonna help you impress your date, Mr. Modine.
Archie Modine: That's ridiculous.
Sharona: Is it? You did it before 20 years ago. He wrote about it in his book. Back in college, Sidney had a big date with Angie DeLuca. He wasn't much of a ladies'man, and he was trying to impress her.
Adrian Monk: So the two of you cooked up a plan.
Sharona: Yep, you cooked up a plan.
Adrian Monk: Would you like to tell it?
Sharona: No, no, no, no. You're-You're-You're-You're better at telling it.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, but go ahead. You can tell it.
Sharona: No. You tell it. I'll tell it next time.
Captain Stottlemeyer: For God sakes, somebody tell it.

Sharona: Is that a new script?
Tim Daly: Yeah. I can't decide whether or not to do it.
Sharona: Hit Man's Diary. Hmm. If you do it, are you gonna shave your goatee?
Tim Daly: Why?
Sharona: Well, it's-it's just something that I notice. Um, when you're clean-shaven, whatever you're in is a big hit.
Tim Daly: Really?
Sharona: Mm-hmm. Well, think about it. You got Diner, Wings, Earth to the Moon, they were huge.
Tim Daly: That's true. And I got an agent, a lawyer and a manager, and they never noticed that.
Sharona: And when you had a mustache in Year of the Comet, it...
Tim Daly: Bombed.

Adrian Monk: Excuse me. Excuse me. My name is Adrian Monk, and this is Sharona Fleming, my assistant.
Sharona: Col- Colleague.
Adrian Monk: My assistant-slash-colleague.
Sharona: Colleague-slash-assistant.