Reese: I'm bored.
Malcolm: Mom and Dad are gone. You want to make some crank calls?
Reese: Nah. I guess I'm getting old. I'm really not inspired.
Malcolm: We could cherry bomb Ms. Waller's mailbox.
Reese: What's the point? She'd just chase me, have an asthma attack. The neighbors would call 911. I'd get away with it because of her blackout. We'd both just be going through the motions.
Malcolm: You're right. Terrorizing the same old neighbors year after year just doesn't feel satisfying anymore. Maybe we're growing up. Maybe we don't need to go out and create random havoc.

Dewey: Hey, guys, I was digging around in the garage, and I found the spare key to Dad's car!
Malcolm: Do you know what this means?
Reese: We can key stuff!
Malcolm: No, we have mobility. We can drive over to the next city.
Reese: And key stuff there!
Malcolm: And key stuff there, and cherry-bomb stuff there. Reese, we have access to a car with no adult supervision. We can do whatever we want, and if we get caught? They'd blame Mom and Dad for being absentee parents. This is the perfect crime.

Malcolm: All right, do you think you could work your boy over in the back seat of the car?
Reese: What are you getting at?
Malcolm: After we push over those gravestones, we can pick up the lab partner. By the time you're done with him, we're at the promenade, where we do our pedestrian-only drive through. Then it's a straight shot down old folks' health walk.
Reese: A quick streak, and dude we're done!
Malcolm: Yeah!

Malcolm: Morning.
Dewey: Morning.
Malcolm: Last night was...
Dewey: Fantastic.
Malcolm: I'm glad we got these 600-thread-count sheets. Anything else would have been an insult to this beautiful mattress.
Dewey: We really have been living like beasts.
Malcolm: A good night's sleep. Just think what we can do with all this new energy.
Dewey: Yeah.
Malcolm: Five more minutes?
Dewey: I'm right behind you, buddy.

Malcolm: Oh, well. You know what would help? Sleep. I actually dreamed I was in this bed sleeping.
Dewey: Sleep is all we ever do anymore. Do you even know what day it is?
Malcolm: I don't even know what year it is.
Dewey: Get up! Don't you have a test tomorrow? It could affect college, your future!
Malcolm: I'm pursuing my dreams right here in a much more direct way.
Dewey: Well, I'm done with it.
Malcolm: Fine! More room for me.
Dewey: So that's your plan? You're going to sleep for the rest of your life? That's pretty pathetic.
Malcolm: I'll leave my mark. Long after I'm gone, the memory coils in this bed will still remember the contours of my body.
Dewey: Listen to yourself. That's insane. This bed is evil. It's draining your soul, Malcolm! [Malcolm snores] Malcolm?

Malcolm: [to camera] Turns out, I'm naturally talented at science and dancing. Two things that are guaranteed to get you beat up.

Lois: How was Stevie?
Malcolm: I didn't get to see him.
Lois: You left for the hospital over three hours ago.
Malcolm: I tried taking the express bus, but somehow I ended up on a shuttle to the airport. Seriously, they need to label those things better.
Lois: They're bright red and say "airport shuttle" on the side.
Malcolm: We drove right past the hospital, but the stupid driver wouldn't let me out. When did people stop caring?
Lois: Calm down, Malcolm. It's no big deal. You can go tomorrow.
Malcolm: Yeah, if the buses will let me.

Malcolm: [on the phone] And there isn't any kind of construction or quarantines, and you're not planning on moving the hospital before I can get there? Fine. Go take care of your precious bus crash. [hangs up] [to camera] I want to make sure I cover all my bases. I got the directions, I got a gift, his favorite cookies. This time, there's nothing that can stop me from visiting Stevie. There are very few things in this world as valuable as friendship.
Hal: Damn.
Malcolm: What's wrong, Dad?
Hal: Nothing, I just put the battery in backwards.
Malcolm: [to camera] Oh, God. Why now? I can't leave him like this.

Hal: It's nothing. Some punk kid swamped me.
Malcolm: And you're just gonna let him get away with that?
Hal: It's no big deal. I'll just go to another part of the lake.
Malcolm: Why? So he can sink you there, too? You've to fight back. What did you always teach me about standing up for myself?
Hal: I can't beat up a ten-year-old. I suppose I could hold him down while you hit him.
Malcolm: No, Dad. Let's beat him on the water. With just a few modifications, we can make this boat unstoppable. We can modify the propeller for more thrust. We can put a titanium tip on the prow. We'll slice his boat in half!
Hal: We can really do all that?
Malcolm: Absolutely.
Hal: Could we put a little skipper on the deck?
Malcolm: I don't see why not.
Hal: Malcolm, it's times like these I'm certain you weren't switched at birth.

Malcolm: Look who's in the hospital. Stevie Kenarban. What a surprise. Well, if you think I came down here to feel sorry for you, you've got another thing coming. 'Cause I didn't feel sorry for you when they bolted your spine or you got that mold on your brain, and I'm not going to feel sorry for you now. Glad you didn't die. See you when you get out. [exits and returns] Oh, and here's your cookie. [exits]
Stevie: [to another patient] I told you... he'd come. [eats cookie]