Francis: I can't believe what I'm hearing! Are you insane or just evil?
Ida: Aah! Wolves should rip out your throat!
Francis: What kind of a complete idiot butters their toast like that?! Everybody knows it's inside to outside!
Ida: Come talk to me of toast when you grow some hair in your pants. Stupid animal thinks he knows about toast.
Lois: Mom, would you please pass the potatoes?
Ida: I think you've had more than enough potatoes. Does the chair have to break before you stop eating?

Lois: What are we going to do? We're in debt up to our eyeballs as it is.
Hal: [sighs] Well, we're just going to have to cut back. No more vacations. Stop going out to fancy restaurants for birthdays. And, you know, it wouldn't kill us to stop wearing designer labels.
Lois: Hal, whose life are you leading? We don't do any of that stuff. We can't afford this baby. Where's he going to sleep? We're not even going to be able to feed him after my mother gets finished with us. Oh, God, this is so unfair.
Hal: Honey, relax. Here's what we're going to do. First, I'm going to go out and get you some mint chocolate chip ice cream. [Lois chuckles] Now, that always helps. And then we're just going to sit down and figure this all out, hmm? Hey, everything is going to be okay, hmm? We'll find a way. We always do. Promise.
[Hal walks out of the house and gets into his car:]
Hal: [bawling] Oh, no! Why me?! [Malcolm is in the backseat] No. Why?! Why?! Why?! Why, why, why, why?! [screaming, crying] Why?! [screaming] Oh, why?!

Reese: I have good news. You know how everybody's been so depressed around here lately? Well, I was thinking. What could I do to cheer everyone up? And then it hit me. It was the most obvious thing in the world. I bought us an above-ground swimming pool. And the best part is you don't have to pay for it for six months. It's a raft with cup holders. They're setting the pool up right now. Oh, and don't just thank me. Dewey was in on it, too.
Dewey: He's lying!
Reese: Huh? Wh- What's going on?
Malcolm: Mom's pregnant.
Reese: What?! You can't do that! Do you know how dangerous it is to have a baby and a pool?

Malcolm: Check this out.
Reese: What does it say?
Malcolm: Just read it. It's funny.
Reese: I don't read. Not unless I absolutely have to for school. Otherwise, I feel like they've won.
Malcolm: You never read the paper?
Reese: No.
Malcolm: Not even comics? Like Peanuts? You never read Peanuts?
Reese: Nope.
Malcolm: Are you serious? You've never read Peanuts?
Reese: Uh-uh.
[cut to Malcolm holding a football to the ground as Reese prepares to run and kick it:]
Malcolm: Go ahead. I promise I'll hold it.

Ida: Your fingers are too fat. Who has fingers like that? I'm losing my appetite just looking at them.
Hal: She can feed herself, Lois.
Ida: I didn't ask for this. This is your fault. You keep your yard like a jungle. And steps. Who builds a house with steps? You think you're better than everybody else?

Reese: Can I have more pancakes?
Hal: You've had ten already, Reese. Don't be a pig. We need to save every penny we can. Dewey, go easy on the orange juice. That stuff doesn't grow on... Wait, it does. So, why is it so damn expensive?

Francis: I told you my family was worse than your family.
Piama: Are you kidding? My grandpa chopped the pinky off our milkman for bringing us two percent.

Reese: Hey! Mom, Grandma just stole my bacon.
Lois: Reese, this is Grandma's last day here. If she wants your bacon, you let her have it.
Ida: Crybaby.

Francis: Grandma's back. Mom wants you to help her unpack.
Malcolm: This is unbelievable. It's all Reese's fault. If he had just cleaned up the yard like he was supposed to, none of this would have happened.
Francis: Malcolm, she slipped on a leaf. A tiny, single leaf. [sprinklers turn on] I wouldn't be surprised if she broke her collarbone on purpose just so she could stay here and torment us.
Malcolm: And I'm the one who suffers. I was so close to sleeping in the house again. I forget what a bed feels like.
Francis: What are you complaining about? I'm the one who had to carry her to the car with her dress hiked up over her hips. I went blind for almost 15 minutes.

[Reese jumps in front of the computer monitor when he hears somebody come in the room]
Reese: Oh, it's just you.
Dewey: What are you doing?
Reese: Everyone's blaming me for Grandma getting hurt, and I got an idea for how to cheer everyone up.
Dewey: What are you going to do?
Reese: I don't know if I can trust you.
Dewey: Come on, you can.
Reese: Hmm. Tell you what. Punch yourself in the face. [Dewey sighs and then punches himself in the face] Okay, you're in. First thing you can do is show me how to turn this thing on.