Bully: What are you doing on the pavement, huh? I told you to walk on the grass.
Dabney: There's another guy who doesn't let me walk on the grass.
Bully: Fine, you like the pavement so much, kiss it.
Dorene Hooper: Oh, my God Dabney! You come away from there! Did you make eye contact with that big boy? When you're in danger, you tuck and cower.
Dabney: I was cowering; he wouldn't let me tuck.

Dabney: Hi, Malcolm.
Malcolm: Where's your mom?
Dabney: In the shower.
Malcolm: Good. Then I won't have to put the laxative in her tea. We have to meet Stevie at paintball in an hour.
Dabney: Malcolm, I can't go Mom and I are going to put on our pajamas and watch videos.
Malcolm: Dabney, your grandfather got you this amazing gun, and you have to use it.
Dabney: Look, Malcolm, I know you think I'm a mama's boy-
Malcolm: No. Mama's boys are laughing at you with their mothers. Come on, I saw the look in your eye when you opened it. Admit it. You're dying to do this. You just have to break free from your mom.
Dabney: Malcolm, you don't understand. In exactly 17 minutes, she's going to open that shower door and expect to see me there with a warm, cozy towel. All right, let's go.

Lloyd: I don't know, Malcolm. This seems like a very drastic escalation.
Malcolm: You want to cheat, right? Since this is just a big cheating contest, I say we out-cheat everyone else.
[Dabney walks down the hall in his underwear]
Dabney: Why do I have to be the one who does this?
Kevin: 'Cause you look the most pathetic in a bathing suit.
Dabney: I do not! What about...? Yeah, okay. Go, Stevie.
[After Stevie throws a bucket of cold water on Dabney, the group run away as Dabney stands in front of the organizer's hotel room]
Dabney: [to maid] Uh, excu-excuse me. I got locked out of my room, and I forgot my towel and I'm very cold. [maid opens door] There you go.
Maid: Have a nice day.
Dabney: Thank you. I've been swimming!

Dabney: My soy burger... it's bleeding!
Lloyd: This is meat! We're eating meat!
Dabney: Oh, my God! We're eating meat!
[As the Krelboyne kids all scream and retch, Hal takes off his apron and backs away from the grill]

Stevie: Are you... coming over... Saturday?
Malcolm: For what?
Dabney: For what?
Lloyd: The Leonid meteor shower!
Dabney: Only once in a lifetime that the meteor Leonid reveal their full beauty before bedtime!
Malcolm: I wish I could, guys but Francis is coming home this weekend. And, since he missed Halloween last week, we're going to hang out together.
Dabney: Are you sure? Because Stevie has a new telescope, and I was thinking that after the meteor shower, we could watch Mrs. Feldman shower. [raises eyebrows]
Lloyd: And you call yourself a scientist.

Eraserhead: Angle: 47.9 Degrees.
Stevie: Check. Brakes locked.
Lloyd: This is for all the times I've been called "butt-tweefer."
Dabney: Fire!

Lloyd: Don't you see? The whole school needs you back administering your unique form of evenhanded brutality.
Reese: You're saying my being a bully's a good thing?
Dabney: Yes! You're our only hope.
Stevie: Stop it! Stop it! I'm... immune. I'm... immune!
Reese: Hey! Stevie's off limits!
Dabney: He used to be.

Dorene Hooper: [screams on TV]
Man: [on TV] Push! Push!
Dabney: Look! I'm starting to crown!
Dorene Hooper: [on TV] Get this horrible thing out of me! [screaming continues]

Dabney: Can I open Grandpa's present first, Mom?
Dorene Hooper: Well, we might as well get that out of the way.
Stevie: Whoa. The XJ... 7000!
Dabney: Cool! What is it?
Malcolm: It's a paintball gun. It's, like, the best one you can buy.
Dorene Hooper: I'll take that.
Dabney: But, Mom!
Dorene Hooper: When will your thoughtless grandfather learn? These gifts do nothing but overstimulate you. And when the so-called fun ends, you're left all red and giggly and up until 9:00. Well, not this time. Give it to Mommy. [they tussle]
Dabney: That's okay. I wouldn't know how to paint with it anyway.

Dorene Hooper: Why don't you open one of my gifts?
Dabney: A new hairbrush. Thanks, Mom.
Dorene Hooper: Want to give it a try?
Dabney: Sure.
Dorene Hooper: Count down from a hundred. You boys can help.
Dabney: [combs his mother's hair] One hundred...
Both: Ninety-nine, ninety-eight, ninety-seven...